Alone in the Night - 3. Alone 3

In the morning while Andrew made breakfast, I sat quietly looking out the window trying to decide what to do. It was a nice fantasy to think I could be happy here. With the whirlwind of the last few days, it didn’t seem like a realistic dream. One of the men had picked me up with the hope of having sex with a hitchhiker. I knew it was only a matter of time before something happened. I waited until after the wonderful meal. “I’m really grateful for you picking me up and giving me a place to stay for the night.” My voice faltered as I tried to get out what I needed to say. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome and I’m not your problem to be stuck with. I should take off today.”

They looked at each other before turning back to me. Andrew placed his hand over mine, causing me to flinch. “We don’t want you to go. You’re only sixteen. Where are you going to go? Where will you sleep?”

I could hear a voice in the back of my head screaming at me that I should stay.

Dan reached for my other hand. “You could make this your home for as long as you want. Neither of us will ever do anything to hurt you. We’ll take care of any legal issues with you being here and get you into a school here.”

I sat quietly as tears flowed. ”It’s not that I’m not grateful for the offer or not very tempted to accept. It’s just not something I’m ready for yet.” They had already done more for a stranger in one night than most people would do in a lifetime. I wanted so badly to stay and believe them. I couldn’t bring myself to trust anyone that much yet. I mean, my own parents had destroyed my trust. How could I put my faith in a stranger, even two that had been so kind to me?

After making one final impassioned plea for me to stay it was with great reluctance they let me leave. They each gave me their card telling me if I changed my mind, ever needed anything, or even just wanted someone to talk to that I was to call them and they would come get me. They knew it had to be my decision to stay and that trying to force the issue would only make me run. I put on a strong front as I left and didn’t allow the tears to start again until I was well out of sight of their house. Truth be told, I just wasn’t ready to trust anyone yet, even myself.

I made my way from the suburbs into downtown Richmond. I stopped at a convenience store to get some water and when I pulled out my wallet to pay I found that the guys had put two hundred dollars in it. I barely got out of the store and around the corner before I was once again crying my eyes out. I had never been the type to cry much, but lately I just couldn’t turn the tears off. I must have sat there for an hour or two before I pulled myself together and walked around trying to figure out what to do and where to sleep. The prospect of being on the street scared the hell out of me. A part of me, a large part to be honest, just wanted to give up. I thought about the guys and their offer of staying with them. I knew it would be safer then the streets even if they demanded sex in exchange for a bed to sleep in. Regardless of their actions, I refused to trust another human. If parents could do what mine did, what would strangers do? I didn’t know if I could survive on the street or if I even wanted too. I finally got back to the matter of finding someplace to spend the night.

After walking around for several hours, I ended up at Brown’s Island along the James River. I wasn’t overly thrilled with the location since there are train tracks overhead, but the sound of the water was calming to me. I could see a few other homeless scattered around. I scoped out a spot that I thought looked okay. It was fairly well hidden from the park’s footpaths. I worked up the courage to talk to one of the park’s residents. “Hey. How safe is it around here at night?

He seemed shocked that some kid was talking to him. “It’s no place for kids, but the police usually ignore us as long as we don’t cause a problem for the park visitors.” He gave me a once over. “Just what we need around here, a runaway.” His eyes shifted around the area. “Most of the people who come to the park leave us along.”

“Thanks. I guess I’ll be seeing you around.”

The sun was fading from the sky. After the hours of walking I’d done, I was rather hungry so I went off to find something to eat. I walked through downtown trying to find someplace I could get cheap food when I came across what looked like a nice restaurant. Even with the money Andrew and Dan had given me, I figuring I had to be careful with spending what I had. Knowing I had to get used to living on the streets I made my way around the back. I tried to convince myself to go through the dumpster to see if there was anything I could eat. The alternative was going in search of a store or fast food place. After staring at the dumpster for some time I finally looked in it and began rummaging around when one of the employees came out.

He saw me and started to yell. “Get away from there and get lost before I called the cops. Useless fuckin’ scavengers.” I hung my head in shame and started to walk away he called out to me. “Hold up for a second.” He dumped the bags he had in the garbage and ran over to me.

“I don’t want any trouble. I’m leaving like you wanted. You won’t see me around here again. I’m sorry.”

He appraised me as he drew close. “Hey, how old are you?”

“Sixteen. What does it matter?”

His voice softened a little. “Why are you going through the dumpster? Why aren’t you home?”

I was quiet for a minute debating on walking off or answering him. “I was hungry and didn’t want to spend what little I have ‘til I have to. I don’t have a home anymore. Parents kicked me out. Don’t worry I’m leaving and won’t come around again.”

“Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.” With that he ran back inside. I thought he was going to call the cops or something so I was starting to walk off when he came out with a to-go box and some water.

I stared blankly at him for a moment. “Thanks.” I started to walk off.

“I’m off the next two days, but I usually work nights around this same time. If I happen to see you, I’ll try to get you something from the kitchen, but I can’t make any promises.” He flashed a smile that made me wish I could get to know him better. All too soon, he was back inside.

I took the food and returned to the spot I’d found earlier. I ate about half of it and saved the rest for morning. It was time to get some rest. Sleeping outdoors was rough and was nothing like camping. When you’re camping you feel you’re pretty much safe, but when you’re homeless and sixteen there is no such thing as pretty safe. It was a very scary night for me.

******

I woke up with every sound I heard. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep. When morning came, I finished the food I had and moved over to the river, splashing some water on my face. I washing up a little, and then changed into some clean clothes. I made sure my money and wallet were safe and secure in my pocked before I headed out to explore the surrounding area.

I wandered around downtown exploring my new surroundings and made my way past Capitol Square and the Old City Hall building. Taking in the sights of all the cool old buildings I briefly forgot why I was there. I ending up at the far end of downtown by the Jefferson Hotel. Like the old city hall it is a large building with a beautiful clock tower. I could only imagine what the inside might look like. I knew with my situation, it was something I would never get to see. I was in awe of what I was seeing and kept thinking Richmond is a beautiful city. I tried to figure out what was in the area and what could be of use to me for getting by.

I found places I could do my laundry when needed and a YMCA I hoped I might be able to shower at. I naively though even if I was going to live on the street, I would to try my best not to look like I did. I had no clue what awaited me and little knowledge on how to survive on my own in a big city.

Even though I still had thoughts of suicide, for the moment I was doing my best to focus on what I needed to do to live. It was hard not let what my parents had done push me over the edge to actually kill myself. I hoped to try and get by as normally as I possibly could even though I knew my life was going to be anything but normal from now on.

It took me a while, but I finally build up the courage to walk into the Y. I cautiously approached the attendant at the counter. “Excuse me, sir. What do I need to do to join?

He had a friendly smile. “You can fill out the membership online or we have the paperwork here. There are a couple different membership levels so the fee depends on that. Oh, and you’ll need your parents to sign a consent form.”

That crushed my hopes of having someplace I could shower regularly. “Thanks. Sorry for wasting your time. They’ll never give their permission.” I turned to leave.

“Hold up for a second. Are you a runaway?” There was concern in his eyes.

I guess everyone thinks a kid by himself during school hours with a black eye is a runaway. “I’m not.”

He crossed his arms, obviously not believing me.

“You can’t be a runaway when you get thrown out and told not to come back.” I turned to walk away but felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Why would any parent…” He fell silent for a moment and his eyes softened. “I think I understand. If they did that to your face, you should go to the police. Child Protective Service can help you.”

“Not gonna happen. I’ve seen on the news too many times what happens to gay kids in that system. I’m not getting caught up in that mess of a program.” I crossed my arms as I directed my stare at his eyes. “If any cop or CPS comes looking for me, I’ll just take off for a different city.”

“Okay. I promise I won’t call them.” He reached behind the counter. “But, you have to promise if you’re in danger you’ll come here and tell someone.” With that he handed me a membership pass. “I just need to enter a name in the system. I’ll fill out the other details later.”

I made up a name that he typed into the computer. “Thank you. I really just wanted someplace I could swim, workout, and take a shower regularly.”

“Where ever you’re staying and whatever you do, be careful. A lot of things can happen to a young guy like you. If you need to talk, I’ll listen.”

“Thanks.”

I sat on a bench downtown watching people go by. I’d try to figure who was gay and who was straight as they walked passed. It gave me something to do and was a distraction from reality. From time to time I would see guys walk by that seemed a little too close to be straight, but I couldn’t be sure. I did see one pair that looked to be my age or a little older holding hands. That just made my heart hurt all the more since I didn’t think I could ever have anything like that now. It made me think of my ex-boyfriend too as that was something we were never able to do. Overall, it was a decent day and I was proud that I had made it through another one. One day at a time is all I could focus on.

******

As night started to approach, I found a corner market and got a couple of apples and a banana along with some water and headed back towards my new home in the park. Along the way I stopped and ate one of the apples while sitting on a bench when I noticed an older guy walk passed me a couple of times. In the light it was difficult to tell if he was in his late thirties, forties, or even his fifties. After the third time he went passed me he stopped in front of me “How much?”

I looked at him and was ready to run, but returned with, “depends on what you’re looking for.”

He thought for a minute looking around nervously. “A blowjob.”

I pretty much knew this was going to happen at some point, but it had been a decent day and this ruined it. I was thankful a blowjob was all he was looking for. I immediately felt the same shame and disgust I felt the other two times. Swallowing my pride I tried to sound confident. “Fifty bucks for you to do me and seventy-five for me to do you.” I really had no idea what to charge, but since I still had some cash on me if he turned it down I could still get by for a few days I thought.

He glared. “That seems a little steep. I can get it for twenty bucks a few blocks away.”

“I’m not some cheap street corner hooker, so if that’s what you’re looking for then go get a twenty dollar blowjob somewhere else. If you want someone young and fresh, that’s the price, take it or leave it.” I got up and started to walk off.

“Ok fifty then.”

Thankful I didn’t have to blow him, we went to a nearby alley and I stood behind a dumpster. I unzipped and pulled it out for him. “Sorry, but cash up front.” He dropped to his knees and handed over the money. The guy wasn’t very good at it. I had to keep imaging any hot guy I’d seen and was able to get off in a few minutes. When he finished, I put it away, zipped up and got out of there as quick as I could. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that to survive I was going to have to do things I didn’t want to do. I told myself that no matter what I wasn’t going to steal or hurt anyone unless it was to defend myself. I guess I was lucky that my looks and age were marketable assets. I made it back to my sweet home by the river and settled in for the night. I was disgusted for allowing myself to get paid for sex. I liked sex, but if I did it, I wanted it to be with someone I was attracted to, not just with someone who had the cash for it.

* * * * * *

After the first week, life started to take on a little bit of a routine. That helped settle my nerves though didn’t do much for my fear. I figured if I wasn’t afraid, I was stupid as the fear was going to help keep me alive and safe. I knew if needed I could take care of myself in a fight, I just didn’t like to fight if there was any way to avoid it. There would be the occasion when someone would try to use intimidation to take what you have or just try to steal from you while you sleep. The deep cover of the spot I had found to sleep at least offered a little protection. I quickly learn how to sleep with one eye open. All in all I was surviving.

I would go to the YMCA every day and workout for an hour or two before swimming laps at the pool. As far as anyone knew I was home schooled. One of the instructors was impressed with my style and form and talked to me about joining the swim league. I told him I couldn’t. I went to some of the classes for Tai Chi and stayed in the back. I caught the attention of that instructor as well. We talked a little and I told him about my training and belt level in karate. I apologized for going into the class without signing up or paying, but was told with my skills it was okay and I was welcome anytime. He mentioned the Karate class they had, but said that I was unlikely to find a sparring partner at my level beyond the instructor.

I’d occasionally have someone approach me at the Y and proposition me, especially in the showers. Most times I just ignored them but if they pressed the issue I made it clear I wasn’t free. That usually got rid of some guys while my prices took care of a few more. Once in a while I’d have to go to one of the staff and let them know another member was making inappropriate advances and giving me a problem. I didn’t want to “work” while I was there. I was there to get cleaned up, workout, and spend some time keeping up on my swimming. Those things let me forget for a little while that the rest of my life was a mess. The staff knew that from time to time “things” went on and pretty much turned a blind eye to it unless there was a complaint, and a few of them participated on occasion as well. I just wanted to have a little time that I could just try to be a sixteen year old.

******

I was always cautious about not go through my cash too quickly. Even though I was earning money regularly, I did finally break down and began to checking the dumpsters at some of the nearby restaurants. I hadn’t tried it since the first night when the worker caught me and ended up giving me some food. It took me nearly an hour of just looking at the dumpster before I could bring myself to walk up to it, let alone look in it. When I finally did, the smell was bad. I saw some a few items on the top that looked like they could be edible. I stood there looking at it wondering if I could actually bring myself to eat out of the garbage. I felt my stomach tighten and barely made it to some bushes before I threw up. It was going to take a little while to convince myself I would have to do it to survive. I tried to convince myself if I could get some food that way. If I did, I wouldn’t need to hustle as much to pay for food. There was really no upside to either decision.

I eventually learned where I could scavenge food and if I found more than I could use before it would go bad I’d share with some of the other homeless living in the park. Being on the streets at only sixteen, you can’t show any weakness or everyone will take advantage of you. But a little kindness can go a long way towards others watching your back. I was hustling a couple times a week, trying my best not to think about what I was doing. I tried telling myself that winter wasn’t far off and I was going to need some cash for warmer clothes and other items to get me through it. Or to be able to move to a warmer climate. Some of the clients I had would get upset that no matter how much they offered me I only allowed safe sex. If they argued too much I’d just walk off. If they tried to be aggressive about it, I was thankful I had the martial arts experience I had. I’d defend myself by whatever means were needed. I had standards and even for cash, I wasn’t dropping them, at least I hoped I never would become desperate enough to drop them.

Being every watchful, I found where the drug dealers and adult prostitutes worked and tried to stay well clear of them. My interactions with them were odd. Walking around town as much as I was I found plenty of alleys, dumpsters, and other assorted locations where I could apply my trade with a degree of shelter from public eyes. Since it was usually a quick service no place fancy was needed.

******

It was going on mid October and I’d been on the streets for just over a month. I hadn’t been back to the riverfront restaurant since my first night on the streets. I walked passed there in the evening and saw the guy that gave me the food standing out back taking a break.

He smiled when he saw me. “I was wondering if I’d see you again. I was kind of worried something might have happened to you.”

I was a little surprised he remembered me. I mean do you often remember an individual homeless person unless you see then all the time? “Thanks. I’ve been okay. I didn’t want to cause a problem by coming around. It was cool of you to give me food the last time. It was my first night in Richmond

“I’ve kept an eye out for you in case you needed another meal.”

I was surprised. “I don’t want to take advantage of anyone’s kindness or risk getting you into any trouble with your boss.”

“I’m Chad.” He held out his hand.

I told him my name and we talked for a little bit like normal teens. He finally asked me if I had eaten yet. I hadn’t, but I really didn’t want to be any trouble. “I haven’t, but I’ve got enough money to buy some food.”

He told me to wait, ran inside and came back with a nice meal for me.

“Thanks. You didn’t have to do this.” I sat down to eat while we continued to talk.

He had a beautiful smile. “If you really wanted to thank me, you’ll hang out with me some night when I’m off.”

Part of me was already for him to ask me to show him how grateful I was for the food. “I don’t think it’s a good idea because of my age.”

“It’s not like we’re gonna be having sex or anything and I’m only two years older then you.” He was really nice to me when I had seen him and I didn’t want him to get into trouble. “At least think about it.”

Just as he was going back in to return to work, his boss stepped outside to take her break. I was about to bolt from there when she looked towards us with a bright smile. “So is this your young friend you were telling me about?”

“Yeah. He finally made it back. I’ve got to get back to work. Don’t stay away so long again.” With that, he disappeared through the door.

I was feeling unsure about someone else seeing me there and I didn’t want to drop any of the food I had if I ran off.

She stayed near the door and lit a cigarette taking a long drag on it. After blowing out the smoke she leaned against the wall. “How’s the food?”

“It’s really good. I don’t want him to get into any trouble, so I’d be happy to pay for it.”

She laughed. “He isn’t going to get into trouble and he had paid for it himself. Seeing how young you are, it’s on me.”

I know I blushed and I quietly thanked her. I asked if I could leave a tip for him at least to cover what the meal had cost, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Seeing that I was looking a little hurt, she came over to where I was still sitting and knelt down. “I don’t know what your situation is other then what Chad mentioned to me, but from the way you act you’re not trying to take advantage of anyone. You don’t appear to be using drugs and I hope that’s the case, so let others help from time to time.” She then handed me a card and added, “I know it’s still a few weeks away, but we’re having a private dinner on Thanksgiving for our employees who don’t have families to spend the evening with. You’re welcome to join us and given how Chad has had us all keeping an eye out for you, I’m sure he would be happy if you did.” She then stood up, stamped out her cigarette, and walked back inside.

I still had a hard time accepting handouts from people, and I knew I needed to get over it. It was easier to accept money for sex then taking something for free. I don’t know if it was pride or what. It didn’t leave me with the disgusted feeling that hustling did, but it still didn’t feel right. I was also afraid to trust what anyone’s motive might be for their generosity. Before I got kicked out I had no problem trusting people, and now even the people I wanted to trust I just couldn’t. I wished I could just go back to being an average sixteen year old and not have to think about any of these things.

Walking back to my water front home, two different job opportunities presented themselves. I was getting better at doing it while mentally removing myself from the situation, yet making the client think I was into whatever was happening. There seems to be an endless supply of guys that are willing to pay for sex with what they at least hoped was a minor. I’d notice little things about them and most would have a wedding ring on. Most all started by telling me I looked sexy. It was rare when I made the first move, but I guess if you hang around the right spots you don’t really need to. I might not be able to get myself a place to live, but I could buy food as needed. With a little more cash in my pocket I went back to the bush I called my home trying to keep myself from thinking about what I had done. I was exhausted and quickly dozed off.

Something woke me and I heard yelling across the park. I got up and put my backpack on; making sure it was tight as I moved under more cover from the brush. A couple minutes later, someone entered my little den hoping to catch me sleeping. From where I was hiding I could see a glint of moonlight flash off the knife in his hand. I heard whoever it was telling someone else, “I know he’s around here someplace, I saw him go in there earlier. Go see if any of the others have anything worth taking.”

All I could think was, “Fuck, someone followed me back here.” I’d have to be more careful in the future. I knew I could try and run, but this was now my home. When it was evident he wasn’t going to just walk off, I moved to where he could see me. “What the hell do you want?”

There was an evil sneer on his face. “Give me that cash I know you have faggot. And I’ll take that backpack of yours too. Hand it over and you won’t get hurt.”

I was furious and seeing red. This guy was not one of the local homeless. He and his friend were probably in his early to mid twenties and I was sure he and his buddy had just robbed one or more of the others living close by. For the first time I was very happy I’d taken up Karate and had learned MCMAP. I went on the attack and relieved him of the knife fairly quick. Pinning him to the ground I knocked out cold before he could do much. When I dragged the guy out onto the path, his friend tried to run so I went after him. Some of the other locals surprised him and he stopped briefly to look for another escape route. I quickly put him on the ground. I straddled him, my fist ready to strike. “It would be in your best interest if you want to survive to never target the homeless around here again.” I held him by the throat and drove his friend’s knife into the ground right next to his head before swinging my fist as hard as I could into his face leaving him unconscious like his friend. Some of the others dragged the other guy away from my spot and let me get back into hiding before they flagged down some police telling them the two guys had robbed some of the homeless until they were stopped. They didn’t think someone my age should be living in the park, but knew I’d probably be arrested if my involvement was known. Most people look down on the homeless as not worth their time or as people that are beneath them. We are as much a community and in some cases more so than people living in their suburban homes. We’re not all drugged out, mentally unstable misfits. Misfits maybe. I’ll step off my soap box now.

The next morning, some of the locals joked around about me being a badass little guy. I just brushed it off saying I’m not a violent person, but I sure as hell will do what’s needed to protect myself and those around me from harm. That kind of built up a little reputation for me around the park. I think it was also the moment the locals pretty much accepted me. They also probably figured it could be handy having a feisty little guard dog around.