Ryan's Heart - 1. Chapter 1

This had to be the day. It just had to be. I had dodged around it, avoided it, hid from it, and denied it until I just couldn't bare to live with the secret anymore. I was in love. I knew it was love, because I've never thought about another person so much. My dreams, my visions, my sexual fantasies, my every waking thought and action seemed to revolve around one other person, and if I didn't say something soon, I knew I'd never find a love like this again. Not ever. This feeling inside me was just so real, it had to be the angels preparing me for the love of my life time, it HAD to be. So what was the big deal about it all? What made telling this wonderful person how I feel and following through? It's the fact that it wasn't a girl I was in love with...it was another boy, just like me. This whole love and affection thing is hard enough without having to worry about being gay.

My name's Ryan. Not much to look at really. A lot of people have told me that I was, quote, 'to die for'....but when I look in the mirror, I'm never that impressed with what I see. The girls chase me enough, but they chase everybody at this age, right? Hard to really use that as a way to judge how you look. I've always been kinda skinny, but not wiry though. Strawberry blond hair. Geez, something about that color just sounds 'gay'. But that's what it is. A little brighter in color during the summer, a little darker in the winter. If you ask me it's just hair. And hazel eyes, slanted eyes. Sometimes I catch people staring at me, and it's a bit uncomfortable, but I try to ignore it anyway. But the thing that bothers me most is the fact that I'm too shy to approach anybody about anything. Not to say hello, not to ask for the time, not to be friends, and CERTAINLY not to tell another boy that I love him for the first time. But I was moving away the day after tomorrow, and I had to say something. ANYTHING! God, I was so head over heels for this guy. His name is Tyler, and he's been my best friend for years now.

Tyler is what you would call undeniably gorgeous. I would look at him sometimes and sigh to myself, both thanking and cursing fate in the same breath for bringing this angel into my life. The pleasure of being close to him, and the pain of not being as close as I wish I could, constantly battling for control of my heart, trying to force me to make a decision. Love him or leave him. The answer isn't always so easy. I would talk to him on the phone and feel my chest inflate and my head spin. There was just something so sexy about this kid's voice, and he was always so caring. He always thought of me first in any situation, and he was quick to stand up for me whenever I needed him to. We've been together since we were like 7 years old, we knew EVERYTHING about each other. It got to the point where we would even finish each other's sentences, and we had our own little inside jokes too. I knew that I would never have that with anybody else, not like I did with Tyler. That's how I knew it was love. To him, I was his best friend on the whole planet, but to me he was so much more.

To look at Tyler was both a torture and a blessing. By far one of the most attractive boys t ever walk the Earth. He just had this wonderful, sexual grace about him that was just so incredibly amazing. The way he would walk, or talk, or brush his hair out of his eyes, it was so awesome. I never looked at him once without immediately thinking of sex. I have never spoken to him without thinking of sex. I had never heard his name without thinking about sex. His very presence turned me on in every possible way. His blond hair always shimmered like gold, and sometimes the sun would catch it just right, and it would almost drive me to orgasm to see him with such a wonderful glow about him. His lips were magical, and his eyes...oh his blue eyes captivated me like nothing else ever could. I now know what love is....it's wanting to be with someone, wanting to have sex with them so badly, that emotion can't help but follow it. That's how I felt about Tyler. I could taste him, I could feel him, and if I thought for a second he felt the same way, I'd be in paradise. I wanted him that bad...my slim, blond, blue eyed, sexy love muffin. Just one day with him would be enough, I could be happy after that.

I met him outside of the 7-Eleven around the corner. I was all packed up, almost ready to move, and I only had a day and half to tell him. Geez, no pressure or anything. I thought I had the guts, I thought I could just walk up to him and tell him without being afraid...but the second he walked outside, his blond hair blowing in a slight gust of wind, his baby blues meeting my gaze, I knew that whatever courage I had before was an illusion. He greeted me with a happy grin, and he was eating some candy out of his bag. Great, now with every word he spoke, there was the sweet scent of apple jolly ranchers on his breath, making him even more desirable than before. This was going to be so much harder than I thought.

"Hey bud, what's up? So, you all packed up and ready to go or what?" He said, his voice making me want to just grab him and basically rape him right there in the parking lot. My erection started growing all on it's own, and I leaned against the wall to hide it a little bit.

"Um....yeah. I guess." I said quietly. I didn't know how I was going to do this, how I was going to break the news, but I knew that today had to be the day. "Say....Tyler? Look man...can we..."

I was suddenly interrupted as Carlos, Tony, and Patrick walked out of the door to join us. Good friends of ours, but probably closer to Tyler than to me. "Hey Ryan, dude! So when's the big day?" Patrick asked. He was a cute blond kid, but nowhere NEAR being in Tyler's class.

"I...I leave tomorrow night actually." I said, wishing they could just disappear somehow so I could get this off my chest.

"Really? Man, so you'll be gone for good huh? It won't be the same without you." Tony chimed in. Again, a very cute kid, a Korean with spiked hair...but next to Tyler, not much competition. Even Carlos, the Latino suave-meister paled in comparison. I just wanted to have sex with Tyler more than anyone on Earth, and all others fell into the 'other' category. It's not just hormones, it had to be love.

"Thanks. I'll miss you guys too." I said, figuring that they'd never leave. I suppose Tyler saw me struggling with a little something, and he must've sensed something was on my mind.

"Well...look I'll see you guys tomorrow, okay? Me and Ryan here got stuff to talk about. I've gotta spend some time with my best friend on his last day here." Tyler said. Hearing him say that was just so special for me. He had no idea how much that one sentence meant to me. For the first time, I thought past the sex, and I felt a slight tingling in my stomach. Something that was small, but noticeable, something that I had never felt before, even for Tyler. It was like having a butterfly in my stomach or something. Then I just ignored it and looked back into his adorable face. I've waited so long to have sex with somebody, anybody, and Tyler was my first choice. I needed him so badly!

The crew left, and I filled myself with all the strength I could. All I wanted was one quickie, that was it. Just one night of sex before I left for good. That's all I wanted, just to be held by someone. I just wanted to be in love so badly that anyone as good looking and friendly as Tyler was a prime candidate for a crush. I loved him so much. So I started to speak. "Tyler. We have to talk about some things before I go."

"Damn right we do. You've gotta give me your new address so I can write you. And your new phone number too." He said, playfully slugging me in the arm. I went crazy every time he touched me, and it was so special. But this was not the time to lose my focus.

"No. No Tyler, not just that...there's something else..."

"If you're talking about the Playstation games you loaned me, I'll give them back, I promise. Except Tekken 3 of course, you said I could keep it. You're the world champion at that game already!"

"Tyler....no, it's not that either. Listen..."

Just as I was ready to start off with some kind of decent icebreaker to the whole thing, Tyler reached into his bag of candy and interrupted me again. "Say dude, you want some Tootsie Rolls?"

"What? Are you kidding? I hate the taste of those things! Look, are you even listening to me?" I said, trying to quiet him long enough to get this out. I wanted him right then and there. This love just made me want it all right now, tonight, this minute...I simply couldn't wait any more.

"I'm sorry dude. Go ahead, I'm listening." And then he looked at me. Tyler looked straight at me, waiting to hear what I had to say. His eyes pierced their way through me, and I got scared. I could feel that artificial strength of mine leaving me in a hurry like rats from a sinking ship. A cold fear swept over me and the words got stuck in my throat, refusing to come to the surface. Tyler looked on as the uncomfortable silence between us grew longer and longer by the second. I tried to look towards the ground, thinking that maybe if I could avoid his eyes, his kissable lips, that I could somehow say what I needed to say. Tyler was my very first love, and if tonight was to be our night, I was going to have to start this.

"Tyler?....I'm.....I'm....I'm...." I stuttered, I was sweating, and that single butterfly came back to my stomach and started fluttering around again. I tried so hard, soooo hard, but in the end, all I could say was, "I'm...really gonna miss you Tyler."

"Was that all? Aww man, I'm gonna miss you too." He said, and he walked over to give me a huge hug around the neck. His body felt so soft, so warm, and I cherished the feel of it against me. But the very thought that I had one chance to say something, and I chickened out, overwhelmed me, and I began to cry. Tyler moved back and looked puzzled. "Are you crying?"

"God Tyler...I'm just...I'm really gonna miss you, you can't imagine how much..."

"Hey...don't worry so much. I'll be coming up that way in a couple of months anyway. You said you were going to southern Illinois for a while, and then you'll be moving right down the street from my grandmother's house. I'll HAVE to come visit her right? I mean, if my parents get divorced like they're talking about, I might even be moving in with her some day. Then we'll be buds again, just like always." He said, tearing up a little himself, but he hid it well. That Tyler, he'd never have to shed a tear if he didn't want to. He was bound to find himself a wonderful girlfriend some day.

But it wasn't enough. I didn't want him a couple of months down the road, I wanted him now. I wanted to feel his lips touch mine, I wanted to grab two hand fulls of his luscious ass and pull him into me. I wanted to lick every inch of him, to taste him and moan out in pleasure at the sheer passion of it all. But I had blown it, and that day I walked home with him, regretting the biggest mistake of my life.

I stayed awake all night, jacking off, and then crying into my pillow right afterwards. My life was over, there was no more to reach for. I was in love, it was the strongest feeling that I have ever known up to that point, and I was sure that it couldn't get any better. Nobody would ever say I love you again, Tyler was my only chance. I've never wanted to have sex with anyone else more than I did with Tyler, how can that not be love? That night I replayed our every moment together since we had first met on the playground all those years ago. And with every memory, another tear rolled down my cheek, seemingly accompanied by a romantic soundtrack that only I could hear. That night...I cried myself to sleep in that room, for the last time.

The next morning I packed all my stuff into a truck and we were ready to go as soon as I got home from school. It would be hard, but I knew that if I couldn't tell Tyler I loved him, at least I could tell him goodbye. The school day passed by so quickly it dazzled me. 7 hours never went by so fast. And Tyler walked me home one more time. We laughed about some of the good old days, and chatted about a few other things, but as I rounded the corner, I could see the moving truck in my driveway, my dad packing up the last few pieces of furniture, and I teared up again. It was as if the reality of it all had suddenly struck me for real, and I felt it all rip a hole in my heart. Tyler was walking next to me, chatting away as usual, and the sunlight caught his golden hair in that special dreamy way. I felt a tear drop from my eye, and I knew that I had reached the very limit of what I felt for him. I simply couldn't love him anymore, not even if I tried. My dad called over to me, I guess trying to hurry me so we could lock the house up for good and take off. But I wasn't going to rush these last pleasant moments with Tyler, they were all I had left.

I watched my dad get into the front seat and start up the engine...the final goodbye was here. "Well...I guess this is it." Tyler said.

"Yeah...I suppose it is." I wanted to be a man about the whole thing, but knowing that this could be the last time I ever gazed into the eyes of my first love forced me to gush over with sadness, and I wept openly on his shoulder. He hugged me tight, letting me get it all out, and I could feel him trembling, letting a few tears escape himself. "Promise you won't forget me Tyler. Please?"

"Never Ryan. Never." Then he hesitated a second and then he said something that confused me a little bit. "You know, you're my best friend in the whole world, Ryan. One of these days...I'll let you in on a few things, maybe even everything."

We broke the hug finally, and looked into each other's eyes one more time. Staring, without saying a word, and for some odd reason we had a moment. A quick 'connection' that we never had before, something that was silent, and yet understood. I couldn't explain it if I tried, but suddenly my dad honked the horn and snapped me back into reality. Tyler looked a little confused, but I knew that he felt it too, and we just had this weird feeling, as though we had just shared the same dream. But my dad was waiting, and I knew I had to go. I walked back to the truck and got in. Tyler stood there on the sidewalk, waving as we started to drive away. I looked at him for as long as I could, and something told me that I'd see him again in a few months like he promised. But something else told me that it wouldn't be the same the next time we met. I don't know what it was, but there was this feeling of prophecy that just said that this wasn't meant to be. Maybe I just wasn't meant to be happy...and this was fate's way of keeping me alone. Sigh....goodbye my love. I'll never find another like you, not even if I tried.

The next few months were pure hell for me. I stayed in southern Illinois for two months, not long enough to make any real friends, not that I could have kept them if I HAD made any. After all I was moving in another week anyway. I had a few girls write me some notes, some guy was eyeing me in the showers, and I think my Spanish teacher was giving me the eye, but other than that, there was no one for me to talk to, be buds with, and especially fall in love with. It made me realize that Tyler really WAS my last chance, and I'd never find another. Everyone says 'be patient, true love will find you' and 'love is not in our choice, but in our fate'...you know, that philosophical crap that people tell you when you don't need to hear it. But I knew that it just wasn't going to happen. Patience is for suckers, I had my chance to be in love, and I blew it. Maybe I'll just wallow in it for a while and appreciate what I once had. I had done my two months in that hell hole, and now it was time for me to move to a town on the outskirts of Chicago. I didn't really miss that little town I was in. There were no emotional goodbyes this time, not like with Tyler. Then again, the most exciting conversation I had the whole time was about the Special Edition Star Wars flicks. One kid said it would be awesome, and I disagreed. I mean, come on...who would take a classic first episode like that, and have the nerve to do it AGAIN? So he soups it up with a few extras, the original was fine like it was. I guess they just can't leave a decent story alone these days. Anyway, the move was a welcome one, and I was happy to be going somewhere more permanent.

I only had one day to try to move into our new house and get my room in some kind of workable order. It was a nice enough place, better than my old house. And this time I had a room upstairs with my dad's bedroom on the ground floor, so that meant more privacy for me. I even had my own bathroom across the hall. My room was bigger, an it was in a nice neighborhood with plenty of kids my age around to talk to. But there was something missing. Not having Tyler across the street from me was going to still take some getting used to. But after dreaming about being with him so much, I had remembered his every detail. That would be enough to jack off to for quite awhile. But like I said, I only had one day to get my stuff together, then my dad was shipping me off to some local school. Great, more mindless homework and fake smiles for the brat packers. I was coming in the middle of a semester, surely everybody would know each other by now. Making even one friend was going to be beyond difficult. So it looked like I was going to be playing the new kid in school all over again.

It was raining that day, cloudy and cold, and it was already shaping up to be one of the worst days of my life. But little did I know that it was that gloomy day in March that I would meet the guy who turned my life upside down. I got my schedule as soon as I walked through the door, and I had first period history. First period HISTORY? How I got stuck with that, I'll never know. Another unfortunate schedule planned. I went to the room the guidance counselor told me to go to, and sat down. I waited about ten minutes for everyone to settle down and then the teacher called everybody's name off of the attendance list. Everybody except me that is. It was bad enough that I was in a room full of strangers, but now I was going to have to endure the humiliation of finding out why I wasn't on her list. I reluctantly raised my hand and told her my name. She looked at her list, examining it for what seemed like forever in silence while the other kids tried to keep from giggling to themselves. Then she said, "Actually Ryan, you've been transferred to another history class. You should be in 602 instead." Then she made me get up in front of everybody and walk out. I could hear them laughing at me quietly, and I had never been so embarrassed. This was definitely not a good start to a miserable life without love. It could only get worse from here on out. 'Be patient' my ass. I walked down the empty hallway to room 602, and took a deep breath before opening the door. I could hear the teacher talking, and I knew class was already in session, and that going in would be even more humiliating than leaving the last one. But what was I going to do? Ditch school? So I finally opened the door and walked in.

The teacher stopped in mid sentence and the whole class turned to look at me. Great, here we go again. I gave the teacher my schedule, and there was another long pause as he looked it over. I took the uncomfortable moment to look over the room a little bit, and something caught my eye...actually, someONE caught my eye. I can't really explain it, but something about him just seemed...'friendly'. Warm and caring and sweet. Just looking at him reminded me of Tyler's friendship, something just clicked right away, and I could just see myself laughing and fooling around with this kid. I still don't know what made me feel that way, but it was like finding a kindred spirit in this world and realizing it at first sight. He was slim with short dark brown hair that just shined and shimmered with every dim ray of light that tried to pierce through the rain outside the window. His eyes met mine, and that familiarity increased ten times. It was like suddenly finding your other half. I had only seen him for ten seconds, I didn't even know his name, and yet there was a level of comfort that just didn't make sense to me. I would gladly bare my soul to this boy, and I didn't understand why. I'm just being weird I guess. He was oh so cute too, making me take a few more hidden peeks before the teacher caught my attention again.

"You can take this seat here next to Mr. Stephens." He said, and I looked over to where he was pointing. One empty seat was left, and it was right next to the boy I was staring at. Cool! Maybe now I could make at least one good friend while I was here. I started to walk closer, not thinking anything of it really, but with every step he seemed to get more and more beautiful to me. Something strange happened, something that scared me a little bit. I felt that jittery feeling in my stomach again, but this time it wasn't one butterfly, it was a whole bunch of them, fluttering at once, and when my eyes met his up close, they went wild. He shyly looked away from me and started digging around in his bag or something, but I couldn't help but watch him out of the corner of my eye after that first glimpse of him. He just had this powerful aura around him, this glow that let me understand that he was a good guy. So much of him reminded me of Tyler in that moment, and then some. I took my seat, and waited a couple of seconds for him to stop looking in his bag. I was hoping to at least try to get to know him a little better. I was still pretty shy, but I could fake it well sometimes if I tried. Besides, I promised myself after leaving Tyler that I'd never be too shy to say what was on my mind again. I was starting over again here, I want to do this right. I was going to wait for him to get out of his bag first, but he seemed to be fumbling in there forever, so I figured I'd just go ahead and say something.

"What's up?" I said quietly. He stopped digging for a second, so I figured he heard me, but then he ignored it and started digging around again. I had hoped that it wasn't intentional, I'd hate to think that this boy that I had such an instant connection for, hated me already. I'd at least like to know him well enough to give him a REASON to hate me. So I spoke to him again, hoping that this time he'd respond. Please respond, if not, I'm really going to be lonely in this place. "Hellooooo..." I said. Please kid...just give me a chance. Please?

He turned around nervously, and finally he spoke back to me. "Um...hey..." He said. Wow, he had the cutest voice I'd ever heard, even better than Tyler's. It was this hazy little soft pitched voice that sounded like it had so much heart behind it. It made me so happy to just hear him speak. I looked into his spectacular eyes and my heart melted...actually melted. He WAS cute, but not in a lustful way, but just beautiful as in someone you could spend the rest of your life with. And his lips just looked so soft and kissable. He was so nervous, so shy, I was sure he wouldn't say anything else if he didn't have to. So I decided to put myself out there again.

I stuck out my hand and said, "My name's Ryan. What's yours?" Please answer me. I bet it was something cool, something really cute maybe.

"I'm Randy...nice to meet you." He said. For some reason, his name just fit him perfectly. I shook his hand, and chills ran up my spine. I got really nervous and scared without warning, and it seemed to get really hot in that room. The butterflies were going mad now and threatened to burst out of my stomach at any moment. I don't know what made me feel this way, it wasn't like with Tyler. I wasn't suddenly thinking of the great sex we could have, or kissing his sweet lips, or rolling around with him on the floor...I was just shaking his hand for crying out loud. But every feeling I ever had for Tyler was enhanced beyond anything I've ever known. But how could that be, I was in love with Tyler, I was so sure of it. The beauty, the sex, the eagerness, I was sure that was love. How could this 'Randy' kid come in and take his place so quickly? And with nothing more than a handshake? It's gotta just be my imagination, that's all. We broke our electric handshake and I wanted to suddenly tell him he was beautiful. I wanted to say how cool it was to meet him. I wanted to tell him about the time I smoked a cigarette for the first and last time with Carlos under the monkey bars when I was 12. I wanted to tell him SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I was still reeling with these newfound jitters in my stomach, but I just wanted to be closer to this kid. Something about him just welcomed me in a way that didn't make sense. He could be 500 pounds and ugly and sin, but for some reason I'd still want to be closer to him. His beauty ran deeper than what was on the surface, and it was so visible, it was almost blinding. I wanted to say something else, but I couldn't, and I just let it go. Damn this fear of mine.

I sat in that room, thinking about what to say to him. He was so quiet. Not really antisocial, just shy I guess. Normally I am too, but something made me pursue this, something deep inside of me. He didn't really say anything, but I could tell he wanted to. I just had to think of some way to let him know that I wanted to talk to him too. While looking around for some kind of answer in the ceiling and the floor, I caught a girl watching me from across the room. A cute blond with shoulder length hair and some of that red raspberry lipstick on. She wasn't shy about it either. She stared at me, and it almost seemed like she was getting ready to run over and kiss me or something. I looked away and saw Randy looking over at her too. Then all of the sudden he asked me about the weather. Then about my old hometown, then a bunch of other things. His whole attitude changed and he just started talking to me out of the blue. It was refreshing to know that I wasn't just forcing him to talk to me. That's pretty much what started it all.

We talked throughout the entire class, trading jokes and bits and pieces of information about each other. It was just so comfortable, like it was with 'what's his name'....um...Tyler. We just hit it off right away, and you would've thought that we had been friends since birth. I still have no idea what the teacher was talking about, but I was having too much fun to care. At one point, he warned us to stop talking "or else", and Randy and I figured we had better cool it for a while. He sat up and looked forward, but I couldn't get enough of this kid. I had found a huge piece of myself in him, and looking at him, that gorgeous profile of teen beauty, made me want more. I was addicted to him already, and the fear crept over me again...but this fear was welcomed. It felt just like terror, but it wasn't cold, this feeling was warm, and fuzzy, and it spread to every part of my body. It made me smile when I didn't even know it was coming, and I just couldn't stop looking over at him. I waited about 90 seconds, but then I just HAD to talk to him again. I took out a piece of notebook paper, and started drawing a picture of our history teacher. I was surprised at the remarkable likeness, and snickered a bit to myself. I drew a space helmet on him and gave him a giant penis for a space rocket. Then...hmmm...I needed a quote to make it all come together. I thought about it for a second, then wrote down 'take me to your peter!' in a little speech bubble. I waited for the teacher to turn his back, and then I gave it to Randy and hoped he would get the joke. I bit my lip nervously as he looked it over. Then a smile broke out on his face, and he laughed. He actually laughed! Hearing those sweet childish giggles coming out of him made me laugh too, and bells went off in my head. We were trying to hold it back, but we couldn't, it just got worse. The teacher turned around to see what the disturbance was, and just as he was about to scold us in front of everybody, the bell rang and the class sprang to attention and walked out. Saved by the bell.

We left class, and I thought I might not be able to see him again until tomorrow, but he showed up in three more of my classes that day. As soon as one of us saw the other walk into the room, we would start cracking up. We couldn't help it, it was just so strange to find that kind of friendship right away. It didn't even seem real. And he was such a cutie too...bound to be another Tyler if he was going to keep charming me like he is now. It wasn't until study hall that I noticed my feelings for him. I was one of the first kids there, and I was sitting in a corner when the girl from my first period class came over to say hello. She was the one who was staring at me, and she had no trouble saying hello.

"Hi, my name's Hailiey. I was in your history class this morning, remember?" She said. There was no doubt that she was beautiful, but to me she looked like a female version of Tyler. She didn't interest me that way really, not that I didn't see why some of the other guys would die for her. We continued to talk for a few minutes, and it became obvious that she liked me. Just the questions she asked and the way she asked them...it was almost like she wanted me know. I enjoyed talking with her, no doubt about that, but all I could really think of was when Randy was going to show up so we could talk again. That's when I let my focus slip for just a second, and Hailiey asked me, "So maybe you could come and read some of my stuff after school at my house. If you're not too busy."

"Huh? Wha?" I said confused, what had I missed?

"My poetry. I asked if you liked poetry and you nodded your head and I said I had some more, and you nodded your head again. So I wanted to know if maybe you wanted to come over after school and read some." She said, all in one breath I might add.

This is what happens when you nod your head without knowing what you're nodding to in a conversation. I had really planned to find a way to go to Randy's house after school if it was at all possible. Like I said, I couldn't get enough of him, he was just so cool to me. But she kept pressing and pressing. Asking why not, and it wouldn't take long, and so forth and so on. So I figured that maybe Randy could wait for one day, and I'd need to make more than one friend eventually. So maybe I could go to her house instead...just this once.

"Well...Hailiey...I guess if you really wanted to, I could..." I was getting ready to accept her offer, when all of the sudden something unexpected happened. This kid, this dark haired cute little kid accidently tripped over his own feet and fell over grabbing onto Hailiey's shirt and almost taking her down with him. When his hand moved, there was a big ink spot on her top. Evidently his pen had burst and he had ink all over his hand when he touched her.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Hailey." He whined.

"Ariel! God, look what you did, you dork!" She shouted and stormed of to go clean herself up. The kid looked at me sadly for a second and then walked away to clean up himself. Looks like I'm not the only one who has hard times in school.

As soon as the kid left, Randy walked in, and my whole world brightened up. I couldn't believe how good seeing him made me feel, and when he smiled at me, I nearly fainted. We talked through the whole period, smiling and chatting and joking, without a dull moment the whole time. That's when it happened...that's when I looked over at Randy and felt something so strong, so magnificent, so undeniably real, that it took a hold of my heart and wouldn't let go. While he was talking, I phased out, and just stared at him, in awe of that special 'something' about him that made him so damn sexy. But this wasn't like it was with Tyler...this wasn't some sexual frenzy or a roll in the hay. This wasn't about the loss of my virginity. This wasn't about me wanting him in that way. This ran deeper, this was more about my emotions, more about walking hand in hand, sharing a kiss, or just talking like we were in that study hall that afternoon. I watched him intently, seeing his mouth form each individual word, his lovely lips moving in slow motion for me, and I began to get hard just being near him. I gave him a serious look, and I think he caught onto it, but he ignored it. I just wanted so badly for him to kiss me, right then and there. But like I said, this was different from my affection for Tyler. Because with Tyler, I wanted it now, I wanted it to just happen right away and be taken to heights of passion I've never known. But I could wait forever for Randy. During some of those moments in the study hall, I realized that if it took Randy a hundred years to ever work up the nerve to kiss me on the lips, it would be worth the wait, and my heart would be full with love until then. I sat there, dreamy eyed an lovestruck, and it hit me without warning. It was so strong, so incredibly powerful. THIS was love. THIS was what people were talking about when they said to wait for true love. THIS was what I needed in life. And for the first time ever, I was glad I had waited for this moment, because anything less would be a waste. The more he talked, the harder I fell for him, and when a few stray hairs fell over into his eyes, I had to fight every instinct I had to keep from brushing it out for him. His hair looked so silky, so soft, and to touch it would be heaven for me. My whole body felt weightless and I was walking on air for the rest of the day.

Later, when I got on the bus and saw Randy took the same one, I was ecstatic. The angels above were definitely weaving me a web of pure gold this time. This was fate at its all time best, working for me to make everything fall into place perfectly. We got off at the same stop, and I found out that this boy, this gorgeous, friendly, beautiful boy, only lived down the street from me. Not even a full block away really. That alone made me silently jump for joy...on the inside of course. Didn't want Randy thinking that I was crazy, not YET anyway. He was getting ready to go home when I asked "Say, do you think maybe I could come over for a while? Maybe we could play some video games? Maybe talk without all the interruptions?" After saying that, I started to shake and tremble. I was so scared he was going to say no that I nearly hyperventilated. But he actually said yes! How much better could this day get?

He took me in and we got some sandwiches and went up to his room. Can you believe it, he actually challenged me to a few quick games of Tekken 3? HA! He had no idea, the poor sap! We sat there and played game after game after game after game. I guess we were pretty evenly matched, but I couldn't really concentrate...I couldn't stop staring at him. He was just so cute, in a way that intrigued me. This kind of love didn't have a limit to it, it could go on forever. I wanted to say that I couldn't love Randy any more than I did at that moment, but it just wasn't true. I kept think of deeper ways to love him, stronger ways, and it was then that my sexual fantasies took over. I thought about the two of us making love in slow sensual ways, not with the savagery that I had planned to use to devour Tyler if he was gay. I wanted to hold and be one with Randy. I wanted to cup and caress his baby soft bottom. I wanted to run my fingers through his silken hair as he kissed me tenderly on the lips and told me his every fantasy. Sighhhh...I was so in love. Where did this come from? Why was it so strong? Randy was like a million Tylers in one, and it just hit my heart so hard that it was difficult to breath. So I just played the game and kept sneaking glances at him when I could. And every now and then, I could have sworn I caught him staring back. I reveled in it for a while, but then a new feeling came over me...and I realized that Randy might turn out to be just as inaccessible as Tyler was. That's when love moved over for a minute, and disappointment, rejection, fear, and guilt took over. What if there was no chance? What if the only friend I had in this weird place shunned me, made me feel like an outcast because of what I was? It wouldn't just be at school either...I mean he just lived down the street. He could basically ring the bell and kick my ass whenever he felt like it. I took all of these things into consideration, but the love fought for the spotlight. It wrestled with every other emotion inside of me and battled for control. I loved Randy, I didn't care what anybody said or did. This was real, and I wasn't going to make the mistake I made with Tyler. I wasn't about to just let it slip away and hope that I find another love like this one. They say to be patient, and I have been. This is what I want. Someone who has so much heart, so much of himself to give, someone who makes me laugh to the point of tears, someone who shares my every common interest. I wanted Randy, and I had to at least try, for me. So I decided to give him the test. And I switched the conversation to girls.

"So what do ya think? Who's hot and who's not? You've been there longer, so you'll have to fill me in." I said. I was hoping so badly that he wouldn't have a clue, or that he'd just say he was gay like me and then I could tell him how I feel. But unfortunately he started naming names of girls in class, and I almost thought I had lost him. I was sad, hurt, depressed, but I kept up with him so he wouldn't catch on. "She's nice I suppose. What about that Jenny girl?"

Randy's face changed a little, "Yeah...well...she's pretty and all, but we've known each other since, like, forever. She's more like a sister I guess. But how's about you and that Hailiey? She seems to like you."

"Nah...for some reason she doesn't float my boat." I said. We kept going back and forth for a few rounds, but the more I talked about girls, the more uncomfortable Randy got with the idea. I saw a slight change in him, a gradual decline in his attitude. And the more he talked, the more he gave away. I got a weird feeling that this had all been 'rehearsed' somehow. I even heard him say something about one girl that was word for word what someone else had said about the same girl. And when I looked into his eyes, I felt something else, a connection. Almost identical to the one I felt with Tyler on my last day in town before I moved away. I felt that psychic instinct kick in and somehow I KNEW he was lying. I knew he wasn't really into girls, and I knew in that instant, that if he was at all gay, that he had mutual feelings for me. And that made me want to burst into tears of joy, because if I had even the slightest chance with someone so complete, then I would never let go of him, I would never hurt him, and I would always be there for him. Because he deserves it, and because I want to give him the world.

So I finally decided to do it. To go ahead one step further than I did with Tyler and take the biggest chance of my life. I was going to call him on it, oh God please let me be right. "You don't really like girls, do you?" I asked. I was shaking when I said it, I was almost on the verge of breaking down at that moment.

"What do you mean?...I love girls...heh heh....love 'em all." He said. His words were telling me he was straight, but this feeling wouldn't let me go. Every internal red flag I had went up and I KNEW he was lying, I knew he was like me. I should have left it alone, but I couldn't deny what I was feeling, I couldn't fight this explosion of heartfelt emotion that swept over me. Something inside told me that he wouldn't say no, that he wouldn't turn me away. It was like fate tapping me on the shoulder with Tyler, but this time it was screaming in my ear, pushing me forward, and telling me that this boy, this lovely soul, was meant to be here for me. And I was meant to be here for him. I looked at him, through the mask and right into his heart, and I knew he could see the love in my eyes. I concentrated so much of my focus on him that I was caught up in an intense stare, one that poured out of me and took some of love's heavy pressure off of my heart by directing it outwards. Directing it to the one I truly loved. He filled every part of me that was ever missing, he was the other piece of my soul. I knew it, I didn't guess at it, I didn't wonder about it or fantasize, I KNEW it. The angels were DEFINITELY giving me the signal, and they let me know that if only I could make this effort, if only I could give of myself without waiting for the other person to do it first, that Randy and I could share some really good times together, and create a love that would protect us both for years to come. It was that knowledge that gave me strength, I wasn't going to leave until he said it...just once.

All of the sudden, Randy dropped his controller and said in a Clint Eastwood voice, "Are you calling me a liar, punk?" Then he tackled me on the bed. He was on top of me! I wrestled around with him a little bit, laughing hysterically, wallowing in this never ending joy, and to hear him laugh too was music to my ears. I could feel his slim body against me, and as he wiggled and squirmed above me, I grew dizzy with lust, and only my love for him kept me grounded. We rolled around more and more, and eventually fell over onto the floor. As he struggled more, the feelings in me grew more intense, beyond anything I've ever known. My heart was ready to burst, and all I had to do was let him know I was ready. All he had to do was give me a sign, ANY sign. I wanted this, sooo badly. Not even the sex, if he said he loved me I could go home and leave satisfied. I couldn't control myself anymore, and I rolled him over onto his back, pinning his hands down and trying to hold him still. He was trapped, it was now or never. I looked deep into his eyes, deep into his soul, and Randy's face became one of terror. He tried to look away, to fight whatever it was he was feeling. But I couldn't let him go, I knew this was right, I knew this was real. If only he would say it...PLEASE Randy...just say it. I know you want this too, you HAVE to. Please don't let me be wrong about this, please don't turn me away. Don't be afraid of me Randy, I will never hurt you, never disrespect you, never abandon you...I'd wait an eternity if it meant receiving your 'love', but I needed an 'answer' today. Just enough to let me know that I have a chance. Please don't be afraid of me Randy, this is too strong to let fear take control of our hearts. Our hearts were beating as one, and as he tried to get away and I pushed down to keep him steady. That's when I felt it. A hardness in the front of his pants as it rubbed up against the inside of my thigh.

This was it! This was my sign, the omen I was looking for! My heart raced with the prick of his manhood, and a feeling of passion swept over me so strong that an uncontrollable smile broke out on my face as I looked down into his eyes. He knew it, I knew it, we knew it...we had fallen, and there was no turning back now. It was bold of me, but the energy I had now allowed me to throw caution to the wind and let me move forward without any shyness at all. I ground into him a little bit. Very softly at first, but having my hard cock rub alongside Randy's made me want more, NEED more. I pushed harder, and harder still, and then I whispered, "Mmm...there we go." I had him, he had me, and if I could just get him to let down his defenses, just for a second to let me in, we could be so happy together. He was enjoying this, I could tell, but he kept holding back, he didn't want to hug me, didn't want to give in to his feelings. I didn't want to push him, but I couldn't stop, I never wanted to be away from his subtle body heat ever again. He was so soft, so warm, so tender...grinding on him was more erotic than any wet dream I've ever had about Tyler or anything else for that matter. Because I wasn't just making love to a beautiful boy, or a hot body, or someone who I found attractive. I was making love to 'Randy'. An individual like no other. I was making love to a personality, to a voice, to a smile, to a laugh, and to a soul that was my exact duplicate and exact opposite at the same time. This wasn't about sex at all, this was about wanting to be so close, so intimate, so unbelievably attached to another person that you want to be inside of them, to be one with them, and to mix in a way that no other person possibly could. Sex would be the advantage we had with each other that everyone else could not. Others could see Randy, could touch him, maybe even kiss him...but sex was a pleasure made for the two of us alone. It was the only way we could be closer to one another than to everyone else in the world. And that's what made it beautiful.

Randy started to put up his defenses again, trying to deny himself the pleasure of it all. I could see it in his eyes. He tried to speak, but I knew if he did, he would chicken out. No matter how bad he wanted it, society's influence would have made him turn it down. No Randy, please don't, just give in to it. Please. He opened his mouth to talk and I silenced him by putting my hand up to his lips. "Shhhhhh..." I said. At first, the grinding was enough, but the second my fingertips felt the smooth soft surface of his think pink lips, I was drawn towards him. If only he would let me kiss him, just one time, that would be it. We would be forever together, forever in love. I had never kissed anybody before, it was the most terrifying experience of my life, moving closer to him, inch by inch. My lips parted slightly, and my eyes seemed to close all on their own. Love would guide me to his lips, love would find a way. Please don't stop me Randy, please don't turn me away. I have so much love to give you, if you'll only let me. And soon, through the darkness of my closed eyes, I felt my lips touch his, in a sweet kiss that blew my mind. And he RETURNED it! His breath passed into me, his struggling stopped, and his whole body went limp underneath me. He relaxed, and then his kiss became stronger, and our tongues timidly met between us. Here I was, with the most gorgeous boy in the world underneath me, kissing me on the lips, and he was enjoying it. We were both getting more and more into it, and we were kissing and grinding on each other hard. I had never known a more magical moment then when Randy first gave himself over to me and wrapped his loving arms around me for the first time. No matter how much he gave me, I only wanted more.

Just then, the phone rang. Once, twice, three time...we tried to keep going, but you'd be surprised how loud a telephone ring can sound when you're trying to ignore it. I hated to stop kissing him, even for a second, but he had to get up and answer it. He walked over to the receiver and picked it up shouting "WHAT?!?!" It was kinda funny to see him so frustrated about it, and I grinned to myself as he rambled on to whoever it was. I looked at him, my lovely Randy, and I saw this strange glow that compelled me to rise from the floor. I looked at his ass, his slim hips, his chestnut colored hair slightly frazzled from our passionate lip lock, and I was so deeply in love at that moment, that I couldn't stand to be away for him another second. While his back was turned I began taking off my clothes, I wasn't even in control anymore, my heart had completely overwhelmed all my other senses. I walked up behind Randy on shaky legs, just wanting to hold him again, just wanting him to hold me. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and began involuntarily kissing him on the back of his neck. He nearly collapsed from my love, and his haste in getting of the phone became desperate. I continued to lick and suck at the tender flesh of his long neck, tasting his candied flavor on the tip of my tongue, and I began undoing his pants. What was I doing, how did I get so much courage all of the sudden? Me? Ryan, the shyest kid in school? The kid who was too scared to tell his best friend how he felt? It was like my hands had a mind of their own, and I let my instincts guide me without resistance. I trusted Randy with everything, my body and soul, and nothing felt more wonderful.

I finally was able to grab a hold of his five and a half inches and I stroked it slowly. I had never touched another boy's cock before, it was so hot, and hard, and velvety soft at the same time. I experimentally ran my fingers up and down the length of it while grinding my hardness into his ass, and he nearly doubled over in ecstasy. He had evidently had enough and practically hung up on whoever he was talking to. Then he spun around in my arms and attacked me from the front. Kissing me hard and removing his pants. He kicked them off into a corner of the room as we danced over to the bed, Randy devouring my neck and collar bone with his ravenous kisses. I laid him back on his bed and crawled on top of him, pulling his shirt over his head. We were naked, skin against skin, our young sleek bodies sliding back and forth over each other as our kissing joined us as brothers in love. I wanted to taste him, all of him. Every area of him that I kissed seemed sweeter than the last. He grabbed my ass and pulled me into his warmth, making me sigh with delight. Then I began scooting down further, kissing on his chest and eventually licking the small brown nubs into my mouth. His erect nipples were so good, and he moaned as I teased and licked them eagerly. My balls grazed his thigh as I straddled his leg, and he moaned louder in appreciation. Knowing that I was making him feel sooo good made me even hotter, and the more passion I gave him, the more I took from him in return. We fed off of each other, and the experience was incredible. This was it, my first time, my virgin experience, and if this is what sex is, what love is, then I can see what all the hype was about. I began to grind on his leg while going crazy on his nipple, driving him insane. I was leaking pre-cum on his thigh, and I knew that I couldn't hold out much longer, the excitement was already building in me, I could feel it.

Randy was close too, but I didn't want to waste this, you only get one first time, and I wanted to do it right. I wanted to do it with Randy. I wanted to taste and feel and experience every part of love, and if I could force the orgasm to hold off for days to do it, I would. I kissed my way further down, and finally came face to face with his swollen cock. Without any inhibitions at all, I took him into my mouth, and gave it one long experimental suck. From the tip to the base, then back again, and he tasted soooo delicious, as though it was coated with a thin layer of honey. I went down again, bobbing slowly, but hungrily, and taking as much of him in as I could. I let y tongue explore every tastey inch, making my head spin with so much love that it was almost unbearable. I had to see him, I had to see the look of pure sexual lust on his face, so while sucking him I looked into his eyes. He looked back down to me, his fingers ruffling through my hair, and our feelings caused a thick tension in the air that pushed him over the edge. I felt his cock expand and pulse inside of my mouth, and then his candied nectar spurted out to the back of my throat, forcing me to swallow. I heard a sound come out of him, a high pitched that I had never heard before. Something like "Unnnngh!" It was actually kinda cute, and I almost smiled when I heard it. God, everything about Randy was just so sexy to me. He gushed again and again, but I tried my best to swallow every drop. I loved him that much.

After he was finished, I continued to nurse his cock as it began to soften slightly in my mouth. I wrapped my moist lips around his sensitive head and gave it all the expert nurturing that I could. That's when the look i his eyes told me it was my turn. I moved further up on his body, getting on my knees and straddling his flat chest, waving my aching hard on in front of his face. He parted those awesome lips of his, and sucked me into his mouth. His mouth was so warm, it was so slippery and wet...the feeling gave me chills. I nearly screamed as his tongue ran circles around me, and I felt the soft roof of his mouth against my tip. I began to slowly pump in and out of his mouth, his breath blowing onto my stomach in short huffs. I was so lost in the moment, and when he grabbed my soft ass cheeks, I almost lost control. I felt the orgasm in me building, getting stronger than it ever had before, and as my moans became more constant, the energy ran through me like a runaway train. I thought about my life in flashes, about Tyler, about jacking off all those nights alone, about crying myself to sleep, about finding Randy, about walking into that classroom and seeing him for the first time, hearing his voice, seeing his smile...and all these images increased my love for him by leaps and bounds. I'd never be alone again, and neither would he. Fate wouldn't let that happen. I do believe in soul mates, and I've just found mine.

I began to lose any sense of rhythm as my orgasm took control, making me shake and spasm as it traveled u to explode out of the tip of my cock. I had a brief moment of worry, thinking, "Should I tell him? Should I pull out?" But when the moment of truth hit me, all I could do was push myself deeper into his face and enjoy the agonizing release. Randy gripped my cheeks hard enough to leave scars and took as much of my cum as he could before it spilled over out of the side of his mouth. I shivered and shook, unable to breathe, unable to do anything but scream a sigh of relief. And I felt Randy explode again, the warm jets of a second climax spraying up onto my back and shoulders. We caught our breath, and then I slid down to kiss my young lover on the lips, giving him all the emotion I possibly could without crying tears of joy. I had found my on in a million chance at true love. Not sex, not infatuation, not a co-dependent, but true love. If you think you know what that means, think again...because you have no idea.

I never wanted to leave him, I could kiss him forever, but I had to go home. It took so long for me to get dressed, because every time I looked at him, I wanted to kiss him again. We kept touching each other, kept kissing each other, I couldn't stop. On my way out of his room, on my way down the stairs and when we reached the front door, we shared another long kiss that beat all the ones before it. My heart was overflowing with love, I felt it leap up into my throat, and I wished I could take him home with me so we never had to be apart again. This was my miracle, and I was going to cherish every moment of it, for the rest of my life. And to think, I almost went to Hailey's house that afternoon. One of these days I'm going to have to thank that clumsy kid, what's his name again? Ah...it's not important.

I finally got to the point where I knew if I didn't leave, I'd take off my clothes and run back upstairs with Randy to do it all over again, so I had to control myself for that moment. But as I walked out, Randy called out to me. "Ryan? Can I ask you something? How did you know...about me, I mean?"

He looked so cute, wondering how I knew about his hidden secret. I didn't want to blow his cover, and to tell you the truth, I couldn't explain it if I tried, so I just flashed him a smile and replied, "I didn't. I just took a chance. Thank goodness I was right." And I walked away, feeling his smile behind me without even seeing it. That night my body was still trembling, full of excitement and love, and the cool night air wisped around me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I couldn't stop smiling, I felt so alive. I could tell that this was going to be a very interesting relationship indeed between me and Randy. Sighhh....Randy...geez, how goofy could I possibly get over this?

I couldn't wait for the next day. We had so many more games to play!