A Matter of Perspective - 20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

frankf4321s Sun, Aug 24, 9:24 AM

To: willw521k@willmail.com

Will

I've gotten so used to hearing from you every morning I was surprised when I didn't hear from you this morning.

You must have gone to church. Hope your day went well and you enjoyed the pictures of my family and the view from my back porch.

Frank

*****

Will Waters Sun, Aug 24, 1:09 PM

To: frankf4321S@gotmail.com

Hey! Yeah sorry! I did get dragged to Aunt Susie’s church (LONG N BORING!), then to a fancy probably over priced brunch at her country club. I HATE wearing ties! Feels like ur being strangled! Love the pics! I'll have some fer u tonite too! I know this sounds too thrilling but I've Been roped into Susies church's last family barbeque and softball picnic of the summer this afternoon (yuck!). Why couldn't the last one have been last week?!? Ha! I'll be talking to u tonite when we get back, which will NOT be soon enough! On the bright side though nobody knows me and hopefully some of the cute boys from the church service will be there!!!! Miss ya!

Love ya! Will n Molly (for now!) Woof! XO

*****

frankf4321s Sun, Aug 24, 1:36 PM

To: willw521k@willmail.com

​Well, you're not required to write me every day. It's just that I've gotten to expect it and was surprised when I didn't hear from you. I suppose if you began to write less often, it would mean you are becoming more independent. I'm figuring that's not going to happen right away because there is still a lot ahead of you. I’m here whenever you need to talk.

I hate church get-togethers and stuff like that too. Do your best to have a good time. You can practice your socializing skills. That's a good thing after being generally isolated for two years.

God bless. Love ya. (Also Max and Molly) Hope you don't mind being on equal footing with two dogs.

Frank

*****

Will Waters Sun, Aug 24, 1:43 PM

To: frankf4321S@gotmail.com

Hey! Hot!!! 88 and humid! Not used to this at home, only had one day like this all summer at home! Anyway second time this trip grandma not feeling well from the heat (kinda worried bout her) so we're home early from the picnic. Ok with me, none of the really cute guys from the church service were there and almost all the kids were way younger than me. I get to swim now so it's cool. Really liked seeing ur photos! Makes me feel like I know ya better. I sent u some pics I didn't know my dad took last week when we went out fishhing on uncle John’s boat, that's John in a few of the pics with me, dad took them. I got the pics off gramp's phone cause dad sent them to him and I was playing around with his phone at the boring (hot!) picnic. Just gonna chill and swim and probably cook burgers later. Frank I really enjoy and need our talks. Things are calmer (yet busier) here on this trip, but when I get home there'll be lots to talk about, school starts the 3rd. I'll get ya more pics too! Off everyone. Love ya Frank!
Will n Moly (don't tell Max! Ha!). Woof!!

*****

frankf4321s Sun, Aug 24, 2:11 PM

To: willw521k@willmail.com

Enjoy your swim. Thanks for the pics. I have work to do. Talk to you later. Sorry to hear about your grandma. Well at least the picnic was cut short and you can go swimming. 88 and humid is like being in hell. It's 82 here and 73 in my house without air conditioning. If I was smart I'd go get a fishing license and go fishing. Talk to you later God bless. Love ya

*****

Will Waters Sun, Aug 24, 5:11 PM

To: frankf4321S@gotmail.com

Very strange...I'll explain as best I can and u tell me please if I'm making any sense or not. Dinner has been had, Susie and grams chatting in the kitchen and gramps sound asleep in front of the TV, feels like home almost. Now...I've figured something out throughout the day today, or at least realized something. Bear with me here, this may get weird but I'll try and wire it all together somehow. Ok, I've spent the last few years in a strange and lonely it's me against the whole rest of the word state of mind. Like I'm a fighter pilot trapped behind enemy lines running for the safety of the border so I'm not captured and tortured. Or like a double agent spy barely avoiding detection and execution for treason. Now, since "reversing" my sexuality I suddenly feel free again, when in fact I thought coming out would be the only thing to make me "free". It took the whole church/brunch/picnic thing to make some things plainly clear to me. The whole none of these people know me thing is what drove it all home finally. U see suddenly I was one of them, one of everybody, just another kid/person like everyone else. The self imposed tension was gone. Got introduced to and shown off to a hundred people today. "Isn't he cute". "isn't he handsome?" "He's gonna be a little heartbreaker someday", "a chip off the old block", "u must be so proud", "his parents must be so proud", and on and on and on...it was surreal almost. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, puke, shout or shit! But the tension was gone(?). It was like I was deer hunting and my camouflage was so good that the deer walked right up to me and starting chatting and wanting to hang out! (?????). Am I making any sense? Or have I finally lost it completely? And here was the cap: aunt Susie (with her arm around my shoulder), "I'm so happy and proud that you've finally grown up and out of some things lately". Can I get a what the fuck here please!?!! Well powder my ass and call me Shirley! This is too much!!! Yet the stress was not there...it's missing somehow. I love Susie and my grandparents and my parents and uncle John and well...everyone I guess so much, even before recent events, but now it seems they all love me much much more. So fucking weird. But yet the stress is strangely gone...wow. maybe I am losing it...
Anyway had to vent all of that.

Love n miss ya Frank! Will xxoo (and thanks)

*****

frankf4321s Sun, Aug 24, 6:13 PM

To: willw521k@willmail.com

​Before I respond. Thanks for the pics. Still can't see much of your face, but I know a hell of a lot of people around here who love their baseball caps. My son does too.

Okay, back to your experience today. You are not crazy. The thing is, you wish your parents and grandparents would love you unconditionally whether your're gay or not, but they are from a time long long ago. And I guess a few of the kids at your school are too. But they too are a product of their upbringing. I had very open minded liberal parents . And while some older people like me are tolerant and open minded, we are the minority I believe. Although it looks like that may be changing considering how many states have voted to allow gay marriage. But that's probably because of younger people voting. California is a very liberal state, but Prop 8 passed because older religious people voted for it. I think I have it right. A vote for Prop 8 was a vote to outlaw gay marriage. Fortunately, the courts overruled them. ​

Some of the adult gay leaders have tried to encourage kids to just make it through high school, because they know everything will change when they move on. You and I think they're right because that's what you were prepared to do, although you mentioned a few times that if you hadn’t met me, you might not be here. That would have been a great loss to the world. This is all the more reason for going back into the closet. And of course you feel free. It's not like you're being a hypocrite. I know you thought you were standing on principal when you came out, but think about it, was it that important that you came out then when you could have waited? Yes, no one should care. But your sex life should be a private matter. Hell, being a teenager is a confusing time for all of us. No two of us experience it the same way, but again that's why I think teenagers should wait until their 18 to make big decisions like the one you made.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you think you're crazy because you don't feel guilty. No, you're not crazy. You have no need to feel guilty. Like I said, in the long run they have more to feel guilty about than you. But that sure doesn't mean you should stop loving them. They sound like wonderful people.

Like I said, your sexuality should be a private thing. Why does everyone have to know about it? You don't send out an email or hang a note on your door every time you jack off. It's private. That really made me laugh. I could just see the note on your door. lol

Speaking of that, my new doctor gave me a med that really lowered my sexual drive. Now mind you, I'm older and not a teen so it's not like I have that kind of drive, but what I have I don't want to lose. She tried to argue with me. Asking me if the sexual thing was more important than living longer. I already know this new med is crap because I took it for two weeks and just didn't feel right. My son, who is in the medical field, agrees with me. I had to tell her quite bluntly that I like jacking off and the med prevented me from doing it. I think she was shocked at my frankness. She is a doctor and needs to keep this confidential so I was bolder than I might otherwise be. She's a woman besides.

You have the right to keep your sexuality private and your sexual activity private. It's no one's business, unless of course you're being like Matt and Andy in Knots and prostituting yourself. They're going to have hell to pay later. I just haven't quite been able to figure out what it's going to be. Parents should tell their sons and daughters that if they're going to have sex, they should have safe sex. They can also tell them that they prefer they wait until their 18 or after their married, but as you know, teenagers pretty much make the mistake of letting their hormones drive them. What I find ironic is that some guy gets a girl pregnant and everyone thinks he's a man when in this day and age when there are so many ways of preventing pregnancy, they should cut his dick off. (Just joking)

By the way, 51% of graduating seniors are virgins. It's not much over 50%, but it's a majority.

So wallow in the giddy feeling you are having and be happy that you don't feel guilty. You shouldn't. Yes, it's a little like playing a part in a real life play, but like the chameleon, you're just doing what you have to do to survive.

Shakespeare said it well in As You Like It. Aren't you impressed with my vast knowledge?

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.

I'll leave you with that to sleep on. Glad your day went well and that having everyone fuss over you made you feel good. It should. Like you have said a number of times: You are a good person and always have been. You don't do drugs, you get good grades, you love God, you're a good son, a good grandson, and you are kind. What more could anyone ask for? You have Max and you also catch huge fish. I'm jealous.

God bless. Love you. Pleasant dreams Brave Prince.

Frank

*****

Will Waters Sun, Aug 24, 6:46 PM

To: frankf4321S@gotmail.com

As usual (Gawd this gets old, ha!), u are right and know exactly what to say to not only make me understand, but feel better too. And ya know what? I suddenly don't feel guilty at all!! I know now that I was way too young and unprepared for the whole coming out thing (and too small too!), but I was just in such a rush to "show the world". I blame all those assholes on YouTube with all those wonderful touchy feely feel-good coming out stories. Assholes! (Well...not really). Still though, bottom line is I wasn't prepared, and probably still wouldn't be. I totally concede that. And I'm rather proud, gay or not, that I'm a virgin and plan to be until college. My business. Yes...I'm gay...but it's My goddamn business and nobody else's. If only I'd spoken to you about 26 months ago Frank. Hindsight. So far this is turning out to be the vacation of a lifetime I'd say. Who'd a thought?

Oh, it's HOT talking bout jacking off with u (sorry!), haven't done that with anyone since James! Wonder how he is?... And lastly I LOVE being the "brave prince". When I eventually turn my journals into America's greatest ever gay coming out novel the title is already picked out. So is the book's greatest supporting character. "Frank"

Love ya bro! G-nite! Will n Molly! Woof!

*****

frankf4321s Sun, Aug 24, 8:12 PM

To: willw521k@willmail.com

Will

Sometimes I'm never sure where the words come from or if they’re going to come. I pray for wisdom as I've said, and although my son doubts me, I believe God answers my prayers. My son’s hot and cold when it comes to religion. Right now he is hot.

But sometimes, when I go back and read what I’ve written, I don’t sound as wise as I think. I guess the only important thing is that you think I’m wise.

The problem with many believers is they think God is responsible for everything, both good and bad, and I disagree. I think the world moves on and God only steps in if we pray. Simple belief, right? God can help us cope with "triumph and disaster" but His job isn't to prevent them. He gave us free will and can't really interfere unless we ask Him to.

Glad I could help. Ironically, I never really ever thought as clearly about how our sex lives are private and no one needs to know anything about them. Seems logical as I write it here.

I responded once to a 15 year old kid who told his dad he was gay. The kid was telling his story on YouTube. The father accepted his son and loved him. But the kid was upset because his dad told him he should wait until he was at least 18 to come out or make that decision. I wrote him and told him his dad was right. You notice I called him a kid. He is just a kid. Hell, you’re not even allowed to vote until you’re 18, never mind make a serious decision like that.

I wanted to go into the seminary to become a priest when I was 13. My dad told me I should wait until after I graduated from high school. I did, and by then, I no longer felt called to become a priest. I know being gay isn't the same, but I think you get the point.

Well, have a good night and glad you no longer carry any guilt.

Brave Prince, God loves you and so do I. I like the title Brave Prince

Frank