TJ - 1. Chapter 1

TJ

Chapter 1

My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me write about what has happened, a journal or whatever. I guess I’ll start at the beginning of summer. My junior year was finally over; I was ready for a summer of rest and relaxation before my senior year started. I was going to get to spend the summer with Josh, my nephew and best friend. We live six hours apart and don’t see enough of each other. He is a year younger than me.

My brother, Robert, is eighteen years older than me, so we were never really close. He was married before I turned one, and Josh was born about eight months later. Josh and I pretty much grew up together, since he would come and spend at least three weeks with my parents and me every summer. My ex-bitch in-law, I mean sister-in-law, hated me for some reason. When I was younger, I never could figure out why; as I got older, I just thought she was a hateful bitch. I was never allowed to visit my brother and Josh. They always came to see me and my parents.

I always thought it was weird, a miracle, or that I was adopted. My mom supposedly had me when she was forty-seven years old. I even told Robert once that I thought I was adopted. He told me not to talk crazy, and to never bring it up to Mom and Dad. He told me they had tried for years to have kids, but never had success. She had four miscarriages by the time Robert was born. She always said Robert was a gift, and I was a miracle, so I didn’t question her about it. Now I wish I had.

I came out of the closet my freshman year of high school. There were some haters, but I was a semi-popular person, so my friends accepted me, as did my parents. Well, actually, Mom had no problem with it, and she later convinced Dad it was fine. The only person that seemed upset about it was Robert. When I told him, he actually said, “No, you’re not. You can’t be.” He then listened to my ex-bitch-in-law when she tried to keep Josh and me apart. They tried to tell him he wasn’t allowed to come visit during the summer after my freshman year.

****

I answered the phone in my room the same time my mom did that summer morning. A quick glance at the clock told me it was 8:00am.

“Mimi, can you come pick me up? I’m at the bus station in downtown Dallas.”

I opened my mouth, but Mom spoke first. “Josh, how are you in Dallas? I thought your parents said you weren’t coming to visit this summer, you were going to go to some camp with some friends from school.”

“They lied. They wouldn’t let me come because Teej came out. We got into a big fight yesterday afternoon when I asked what time we were heading up to Dallas on Saturday. My mom said I wasn’t going to go spend time with TJ because she didn’t want him corrupting me and turning me into a fag too. I told her it was too late. Dad actually told her not to call TJ that. It surprised me since he was so upset after Teej told him he was gay. He sent me to my room and told me not to come out. I heard him say that he might not like Teej and I are gay, but he wouldn’t stand for her to call us names. They got into a huge fight. I couldn’t stand it, so I grabbed all the money I made mowing lawns and snuck out and went to the bus station and bought a ticket here. They didn’t have a bus going to Lewisville, so I bought a ticket to Dallas. I left at 11:00 last night. Please just come get me.”

I think I scared both of them when I said, “We’re on our way right now, right Mom?” Neither of them was aware that I was on the phone too.

Josh almost sounded like he was crying. “Teej, you weren’t supposed to hear that. I know my mom doesn’t like you, but she didn’t really mean it, and Dad stuck up for you.”

I sighed. “Mom, are you getting ready? Mom and I will be there in about forty minutes to get you. We’ll talk later, I promise.”

Mom said, “We’re on our way. But, I’m calling your father on our way down there.”

My heart broke when I heard him crying. “I knew you would. Please don’t send me back to them. I want to see y’all and spend time with Teej this summer.”

“Don’t worry sweetheart, your Dad will be fine with you spending time up here, I promise. I almost had him convinced to send you up here next week anyway. I knew you weren’t going to camp, but kept up the charade for your Dad’s sake and to keep your mother happy.”

“Nothing makes her happy. She’s mean and badmouths Teej all the time. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Every time she would say something negative about him being gay, it was like she was talking about me.”

I couldn’t imagine Mom’s face, but her tone spoke volumes as she spoke to Josh. “Let us get dressed baby boy. We’ll talk about this when we get back.”

Mom and I left about five minutes later, making the thirty-minute trip from Lewisville to Dallas with her on the phone with my brother.

I could hear the conversation, since it was on the Bluetooth connected to the car. He knew Josh had left the night before, he just wasn’t sure where he went. He had gone to check on him after his fight with Mel, only to discover the room empty and the window open. He then said Mel was gone. She told him it was his fault obviously that Josh was gay. I didn’t really understand what she meant by that, but I noticed Mom tensed up.

She said, “Hon, TJ and I don’t need to know all of that right now.” I noticed she stressed my name.

Robert stammered a bit. “Oh Teej, I didn’t know you were in the car too. I’m sorry about what I said when you told me you were gay. Mom’s been talking to me about it and she convinced me that I needed to get over my issues and remember to love my family. I think that’s what she told Dad too. Anyways, Mom, keep Josh up there. Mel and I are fighting and she’s filing for divorce on Monday. I told her go ahead because if she couldn’t accept my son, I didn’t need her in my life. I think this divorce has been fourteen years in the making. I should’ve listened to you and Dad when y’all said I didn’t need to marry her, but I thought I was doing the right thing since she was pregnant with Josh.”

Mom cut him off. “What’s done is done. We can’t change the past; we can only focus on right now. And right now, TJ and I are driving to downtown Dallas to pick up Josh.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry. You focus on driving and call me later when y’all get home.”

Josh spent the entire summer with us. Robert and Mel got a divorce. Mel didn’t even try to get custody of Josh. She never told Josh goodbye, or anything. I could tell it hurt him a lot, but he wouldn’t talk about it. I think he finally agreed with me when I would call Mel the bitch.

It was bound to happen! Josh knew I was out, so finally he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told him about Scott. Scott was the same year as me, and we had known each other since third grade. We knew each other, but only barely. When I came out, he came to me secretly and told me he was gay too and wanted to know if we could get together sometime. I told him to come over to my place on Saturday night, since my parents would be out for date night. We’ve been fucking ever since. I say fucking because he wasn’t my boyfriend, we never talked at school, and we never once went on a date. All we did was get together on Saturday nights and fuck.

When I asked Josh the same question, he said he hadn’t done anything with a guy, he just knew he like guys more than girls. Josh did let me in on a secret. There was a guy who he wouldn’t name and was a year ahead of him. He had a crush on him. He said he had for years. Josh wasn’t the smallest guy in his class, but close to it. The mystery guy was on the freshman football and baseball teams. Josh said he didn’t think the guy was gay, but he always looked out for Josh and called him “Little Buddy.” I was glad Josh had someone looking out for him. Hopefully, this guy wouldn’t hurt him. If he did I would have had to kick his ass.

****

Anyways, Josh was going to be here in three days, my parents were out on their weekly date and it was a Saturday night. Scott came over and we started messing around. About forty-five minutes after Scott arrived, the doorbell rang. He was fucking me good, and we didn’t want to stop. Whoever it was didn’t want to go away, started pounding on the door and ringing the doorbell. Finally, I pushed him off, threw on a pair of basketball shorts, and went to answer the door.

My heart sank when I opened the door and found two uniformed police officers there. They asked me if I was the son of Bryan and Mary Kennedy. I said I was Timothy Jackson Kennedy. They proceeded to destroy my world. They informed me there had been an accident at the corner of Morriss and Flower Mound Road, less than a mile from our house. Evidently, someone ran a red light and T-boned my parent’s car. My dad died instantly from the impact, and my mom died on the way to the hospital from a brain injury she got when she hit her head on the dash. I had just lost both of my parents.

I went back to bedroom in a daze; Scott, not realizing what happened, tried to pick up where we left off. I was so out of it, I didn’t notice he had taken my shorts off until he thrust back into me. It hurt so much, I snapped out of it. I remember trying to push him off me, and I tried to say no, but he just kept fucking me. I’m not going to claim he raped me, because the first time I told him no, I could barely whisper it. I don’t think he heard me. The second time, he told me “You know you like it.”

I finally got his attention when I slapped him in the face as hard as I could and said, “No means fucking no asshole. Fuck.” That’s when I lost it and started bawling. Scott looked at me and said, “Oh shit, TJ, what the fuck? What happened? Who was at the door?”

Through my sobs, I told him my parents were dead. He then did the only thing that ever made me think maybe he cared about me. He held me while I cried and called me baby. He called his parents and told them he was spending the night to help me. They tried to protest, but he just said he owed it to me. He asked me who I needed for him to call. I told him to get my phone and call my brother Robert. He called Robert and explained what had happened.

Once Scott hung up, he said we were going to have to pick Josh and Robert up at the airport at 1:00 am. Evidently, my brother found the next flight out of the small airport in Port Arthur.

Scott didn’t leave my side at all that night, or the next day. We picked up Robert and Josh from the airport. Scott and I sat in room talking once we got back. He told me he could see us being more than friends. I told him I thought maybe I could too, and I liked the idea. We didn’t make anything official right then, he just held me after that until I fell asleep in his arms. Robert and I went to the hospital to identify the bodies. We buried our parents on Tuesday morning.

A few days later, we visited my parent’s lawyer in his office. The lawyer said he had a letter he’d been instructed to give me if anything happened to my parents.

I noticed Robert looked a little nervous when I started reading. He started asking me what the letter said. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. He mistook them as tears of sadness and tried to draw me into a hug. But he was wrong! Before he could hug me, I punched him and said, “What the fuck? Why do I have a fucking letter from Mom saying that I was adopted? Why does she say you’re my fucking father? What the fuck is really going on here?”

Robert turned white as a ghost and sat down hard. “I was going to tell you after you graduated next year. I didn’t know Mom wrote that letter. She always told me when I was ready to tell you, it was up to me. She wasn’t going to tell you; it was my responsibility.”

I screamed, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Robert begged me to calm down so he could explain. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it or not, but sat back and listened anyways. “TJ, I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to come out this way. I was sixteen, about to turn seventeen, and met a girl named Julie. She and I dated, and she ended up pregnant. She wanted to get an abortion, but I begged her not to. I told Mom and Dad that she was pregnant and they were understandably upset. But when I told them she wanted an abortion, they asked to speak with her. She agreed, and they offered to pay for all of the doctor’s bills if she would agree to give me custody of the baby when it was born. We both agreed to that. Nine months later in April, you were born. I was a senior in high school by then, and about to graduate.

“I had been accepted to college and offered a full academic scholarship, but I had to live on campus my freshman year. I couldn’t bring a baby to live with me in the college dorms, so Mom and Dad agreed to keep you for my freshman year. Well, the first month of my freshman year, I met and started dating Mel. I don’t know why I didn’t tell her about you at first, but when I finally did, she was mad. When I took her home to meet you, she looked at you and asked me if I was ever in love with your mother. I told her that at one point, yeah, I was, but not anymore.

“She told me she was on the pill, so when we started having sex, we didn’t use protection. Well, she ended up pregnant with Josh. She told me I was going to marry her and be a father to her child, but she didn’t want to look at a reminder that I was in love with someone else every day. I was torn. I had planned on moving into an apartment my sophomore year and bring you down and raise you. Before Christmas break though, I was engaged and had another child on the way. I talked to Mom and Dad and they agreed to adopt you. Mom was pissed that I would allow Mel to do this to you and me. Dad didn’t talk to me for almost a year.”

As I sat there listening, anger grew inside and finally spilled out. “So you chose that bitch and Josh over me. You allowed her to treat me like shit my entire life. I know you used to hear the things she would say to me. Calling me a bastard all the time. Telling me I was nothing but an accident and a burden to Mom and Dad. Now, all of those comments make sense. So what now? I’m just supposed to accept that you’re my dad? Fuck that. You didn’t want me then. I don’t want you now. The only people that ever wanted me only took me because they had to because you couldn’t keep it in your pants. Now they’re dead. Where does that leave me? What am I supposed to do?”

I could see Robert’s anguish, but didn’t care. In a soft voice, he looked over to the lawyer and asked, “Who does the will name as TJ’s guardian?”

The lawyer, looking very uncomfortable said, “The will says if anything was to happen to them, TJ was to live with his natural father. They left everything to both of you, 50/50 split. TJ’s portion is to go into a trust that he can’t access until he graduates college or turns twenty-five, whichever happens first and names Robert as trustee.”

I was livid. “So I’m supposed to uproot my life and move to butt-fucked Southeast Texas?”

“Teej, please, I just lost my mom and dad. I don’t need you making things harder.”

I lost it then, and yelled, “They were my mom and dad too. You’re nothing but a fucking sperm donor.”

I stormed out of the office, startling Josh, who was sitting in the waiting room. He could see the tears on my face. I regret what I said now, but at the time all I saw was the son that was loved and chosen.

Josh jumped to his feed and asked, “Teej, what’s wrong?” He saw Robert in the doorway and noticed that he had a black eye forming. “Dad, what happened?”

He tried to grab my arm as I stormed by. That only pissed me off more. I pushed him away from me and said, “You want to know what happened? Why don’t you ask the fucking sperm donor over there? Let him tell you he chose you and your whore bitch of a mother over the child he left with his parents to raise. Fuck you, Josh. I fucking hate both of you.”

When Josh heard me say that I hated him, he looked like I ran over his puppy. He begged, “Teej, please don’t say that. What are you talking about? Dad? What the fuck is going on?”

Robert said, “Josh, don’t use that type of language in front of your father. That goes for you too, Timothy.”

I spun around. “Fuck you, mother fucker. You cannot tell me what to do. You gave up that right when you chose that bitch and this faggot over your son.” Suddenly, I realized what I saying, and who I was talking about, I turned to Josh to apologize. He had tears streaming down his face. I swear I was going to apologize until Robert ran over to Josh and pulled him into a hug. When I saw that, it hurt almost as much as losing my parents.

Robert consoled Josh and said, “He didn’t mean that baby boy. He’s upset, he just found out some things that made him mad.”

I heard through Josh’s sobs, “What did he find out? What is he talking about? He’s not making sense.”

“Nothing you need to worry about right now. Why don’t I take us back to Mimi and Pop’s? We can relax for the rest of the day, and then we’ll head home tomorrow.”

“Why don’t you tell him the truth Robert? Tell him you’re my father. Tell him you didn’t want me because that bitch told you she didn’t want me around. Tell him you chose him over me just like you’re doing now. I’m not leaving. Especially not tomorrow. Fuck you both.”

I walked out of the lawyer’s office and went to my car.

Sitting there, I thought about what I should do. Saturday night, Scott had stayed by my side. We’d talked about being more than just casual. I realized, I wanted him to be my boyfriend. He gave me the impression he wanted the same, so I was going to surprise him and show up at his house. I knew his room was just inside the back door, which he normally left unlocked. I walked into the back yard, opened the back door and went to open his door. I didn’t bother to knock; I was too excited to ask him about what I thought we both wanted. However, I opened the door and stopped in my tracks.

Scott was on his bed with his shorts around his knees. What surprised me though, was the long haired brunette that was bobbing her head up and down on his cock.

Scott’s eyes went as round as saucers. The head that was giving him head looked up at the intrusion. I recognized Kim Walker’s face immediately. She’d had a crush on me in junior high and even tried to ask me out before I came out our freshman year. She took my coming out as a personal affront and became a hateful bitch. She called me a faggot every chance she got.

“What the fuck are you doing here faggot? Scott why is the fag in your room?”

I thought for a moment that Scott was going to defend me. He looked guilty for half a second. Then he said, “I don’t know. Hey fag, what the fuck are you doing in my house?”

Kim had already moved and Scott stood up and pulled his shorts up. I was dumbfounded. He crossed the room and got right in my face and said, “I asked you a fucking question faggot. What are you doing in my house?” He pushed me. Hard. Hard enough that I fell. He then pulled his foot back and kicked me in the ribs and said again, “What the fuck are you doing here faggot?”

He struck me again and I fell over on my side. He then kicked me the face before pulling me up but my shirt. I wasn’t trying to fight back. I was in a state of shock. He dragged me to the back door and literally threw me out.

Kim stood there laughing at me. I finally came to my senses and said, “I was here because you were the only one that consoled me Saturday night after you fucked me when I found out my parents were dead. I came here because of what we talked about Sunday morning. About us being together. I was going to ask you if you wanted to be my boyfriend.”

Scott’s face went from rage to guilt. When Kim said, “I thought you were at your grandparents this weekend, Scott. What is he talking about? You go to your grandparents every Saturday and spend the night.” His face went back to rage.

He turned to Kim and said, “Babe, I have no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. I was at my grandparents all weekend. This faggot is making shit up.” He turned back to me and said, “Get the fuck off my property.” He slammed the door and I heard it lock.

That’s when I remembered hearing somewhere that Scott had a girlfriend, I never asked him about it because it didn’t matter to me then. It wasn’t my business. We were just fucking, so I put it out of my mind. Scott and I didn’t run in the same circles at school, so I never saw him except on Saturday nights. Therefore, I never saw him with Kim.

I got back in my car and started driving home. I was beyond hurt. My parents were dead, my brother was my father, my nephew was my brother, and the guy that I was finally ready to admit I liked after almost three years of whatever we had together just turned his back on me and beat me up. When I walked into the house, Robert yelled at me, “Where the hell did you go?” He marched out of the living room. When he saw my face, he said, “What the fuck happened to you, TJ?”

“What do you fucking care? Huh?”

That’s when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and almost laughed. It was Scott. I sent it straight to voicemail. This happened two more times before he tried to text me. I looked at the text message which read, “She’s gone, pls talk 2 me. com bck over.”

Then he tried calling again. When I sent him to voicemail again, he left a message. I did listen to the message. “TJ, please talk to me. Kim’s gone. I had to say that shit because she’s been my girlfriend for a few months. I told her we couldn’t go out on Saturday nights because I had to go to my grandparents every weekend. Just call me back. I meant when I said I wanted more. I just had to keep appearances for Kim so she wouldn’t say anything to anyone.”

By the time the message was finished, I was already in my room. There was a knock on my door and Robert asked, “Teej, can I come in so we can talk?”

When I didn’t answer, he opened the door and saw me crying on my bed. He asked again, only softly this time, “Where did you go? What happened to your face.?” He went to put his hand on my side and I winced. He demanded, “Timothy Jackson, what the fuck happened to you?”

I said though my tears, “Scott kicked my ass when I walked in on his girlfriend giving him head. He called me a faggot and pushed me down, kicked me in my ribs, then kicked me in the face. He turned his back on me, just like everyone else.”

“Please Teej, don’t do this to me. I’ve always cared about you. You’re my flesh and blood.” Robert put his head in his hands. “I didn’t turn my back on you. I wanted to keep you, but Mel put me in an impossible situation. Mom and Dad loved you, you know they did. They took on my burden and took care of you.”

“Your burden? That’s what I was? A burden?”

“Shit Teej, that’s not what I meant. You were never a burden on me or Mom and Dad. Mel convinced me you were better off with them. She told me she wouldn’t be able to take care of you and Josh, she said she didn’t want to raise another woman’s kid. I was in love with her. Josh was on the way. I did what I thought I had to.”

“Do you remember that conversation I had with you when I was twelve? When I finally figured out it was almost physically impossible for Mom to have had me when she was forty-seven years old. I asked you point blank if it was possible that I might have been adopted. You told me that I was crazy, and not to mention it to Mom. You told me it would upset her too much. You could’ve told me then. You didn’t want me to say anything to Mom because you were too chicken shit to tell me the truth.”

Then we heard a voice at the door say, “That’s not true Teej. He told me my mom wouldn’t let him tell you. She threatened if he ever told you that she would leave and take me. He said he knew if she left with me, I wouldn’t be able to see you anymore. He knew how much I looked up to you. He didn’t want to keep me from you.”

Josh walked into the room and saw my face. “What happened to you? Who did that?”

Before I could say anything, Robert said, “TJ went to Scott’s after he left the lawyer’s. Scott was umm busy at the time and got mad at TJ and beat him and called him names.”

“What do you mean umm busy? We met him Saturday night. He wouldn’t leave Teej’s side. I thought y’all were like together. What could he possibly be doing to make him beat you up?”

I started, “He was getting head…”

Robert cut me off, saying, “Stop. Josh doesn’t need to know about all of that.”

Josh said, “Dad, please. I know about head. I might not have had the pleasure of experiencing it yet, but remember, I’m gay. Gay guys like to watch porn and some of us even like to read stories online.”

Robert actually stuck his fingers in his ears and said, “Nope. Not listening. You’re lying. My son knows nothing about sex. Umm I mean sons.”

I smiled, knowing that was the beginning of the healing we needed, and said, “Too soon. You’re still my brother.”

Josh said, “So what does that make me?”

“A pain in my ass?” I tried to joke, but when he didn’t laugh, I looked at him and noticed that his eyes were glistening with tears. I said, “Joshy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that and I didn’t mean what I said at the lawyer’s office. You’ve been my best friend since before I can remember. I didn’t mean any of it. You’re my brother in more ways than one. Can you forgive me?”

He said, “It hurt me when you said that. A lot. I know you didn’t mean it, but hearing my best friend call me that hurt. After dad told me about the letter from Mimi, I understood. It doesn’t mean it excuses what you said, but I know how upset I would’ve been if I had gotten that letter. Dad talked to me though, and I couldn’t be mad at you. You’ve always been more like my brother than my uncle, now it’s for real. Now, why the hell would Scott do this to you?”

“He got pissed at me because I walked in on his girlfriend giving him…”

Before I could answer further, the doorbell rang. Josh, being the closest to the front door, went to answer it. About a minute later, Robert and I heard “What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” Then we heard someone grunt and a something hit the floor. We both ran to the front door only to see Scott lying on the ground holding his groin. Josh kicked him on his side and said, “That’s for fucking with my brother, asshole.”

Robert went and grabbed Josh to keep him from kicking Scott anymore.

I walked over to Scott. “Get the fuck out of here and go fuck yourself. Let Kim know she needs to get a strap-on to keep you happy. Josh, come on, we need to pack my room up. We’re moving tomorrow.”

So, that’s how the summer before my senior year started. I lost my parents, found out they weren’t my birth parents, lost my nephew, gained a brother, kind of had an almost boyfriend, broke up with my almost boyfriend, had my almost boyfriend’s ass handed to him by my nephew who is really my brother, and moved to butt-fucked Southeast Texas.

I haven’t really left my room since we moved my shit down here. School starts next week. I’ll be starting my senior year, not knowing anybody except my nephew/brother who is a junior. I went from being popular and generally well liked to the new kid in school. I know Mom and Dad loved me. I know they never would’ve wanted me to feel like I was abandoned. But sometimes the thoughts overpower everything else and I get pissed.

Scott tried to call a few more times. The phone calls and text messages stopped by the end of that first week after I made this post to my Facebook, Twitter, and all the other social media outlets: “I hope Scott can fuck Kim as good as he fucked me. Both literally and figuratively. BTW Kim, he likes it given to him hard and fast. Don’t get too mad if he screams my name.” I made sure I tagged both of them in the post. Vindictive? Yes. Do I regret it.? No. He hurt me bad. He kicked me when I was down, literally and figuratively. Okay I’ll admit it was an asshole move to out somebody, but in my defense, I had had a really bad week. I eventually deleted the post, but since 300 people had already liked it and it was shared just as many times, the damage was done.

Actually, Robert kind of made me delete the post. I guess I would say our relationship is strained if I were asked to describe it. He’s trying to be my parent. I still see him as my brother.

Logically, I know Robert didn’t abandon me and that it couldn’t have been easy for him; but I can’t just jump right into a father/son relationship with him. For seventeen years, he was my big brother and I talked to him like brothers talk to each other. There were things I couldn’t talk to my parents about; so, I talked to him. He knows things no parent should know about their kid.

Sometimes, I get pissed at Robert and my parents for lying to me for so long. But, after I get upset and Josh asks why, I remember that they all lied to me to keep Josh around. I truly believe Mel would’ve taken Josh away and kept him from the whole family if any of them had told me the truth. Josh is my rock now. I love my brother. When I find myself getting mad at him or jealous of him, I remember what he’s done for me. I never want to hurt Josh again.

Josh still won’t tell me the name of the guy he has a crush on. Now he’s in love with the guy that calls him Little Buddy. He told me I’ll be going to school with them, so I can’t know who it is. He’s afraid I’ll say something to the guy. I wouldn’t do that to Josh, unless I knew the guy would be cool about it. Josh isn’t out at school, but I told him I’m not going to hide the fact that I’m gay from anyone. He said he’ll have my back no matter what. The few friends of his I’ve met all knew me from Josh talking about his gay uncle that was one year older than him, and they’ve all been cool. I never heard any of them call him Little Buddy, so I don’t guess I’ve met the mystery man yet.

This is going to be a tough year, but I’m ready. My name is Timothy Jackson Kennedy and this is my fucked up life.