Padrick - 9. Chapter 9

At first there was only dimness and a strange feeling of floating. He sensed movement but then the blackness returned.

Now there was light again and then sound . . . a small candle flickered in his head as slowly he returned to consciousness. Disoriented, he looked around and realised slowly that he was in bed; but in bed where? He sensed people moving around him and then his sense of smell returned, suggesting that he was in hospital.

Paddy lay immobile and made no sound as he let consciousness return; then his memory returned and waves of despair flooded through him.

Oh god Ken . . . (sob) but you're not Ken are you. . my Ken, the man that I loved and who said he loved me back . . . it was a lie, all a lie . . . WHY, WHY (sob) why Ken, why did you deceive me . . . why did you hurt me? I feel empty . . . lost, betrayed . . . but I don’t feel anger, just a big sense of loss. I guess you had your reasons . . . you see Ken in loving you I believed you were a good person . . . someone worthy of being loved and sharing a lifetime together. If there’s any anger . . . any anger . . . it's because you’ll never be able to explain why you deceived me so. Was it a joke on your part . . . a cruel joke . . . I don’t think so. I have to believe that there is a perfectly good reason why you deceived me . . . but . . . but, I’ll never know will I? What did Billy say? . . . . that your name is Freddie the Gunman . . . NO, NO, and NO! You weren’t a gangster . . . . you couldn’t go out and viciously kill people . . . No! not my Ken. I don’t want to know about your past. To me Freddie the Gunman does and has never existed . . . all I’ll choose to remember is . . . is . . . my beautiful Ken.

‘Well, welcome back young man . . . how are you feeling?’

Paddy looked up into the eyes of a very concerned nurse. She continued,

‘You’ve been out for several hours; we gave you a strong sedative when you were brought in last night. You were in shock and from the newspaper reports this morning the ghastly scene you witnessed would send even the strongest person into shock. Now be honest with me, how are you really feeling?’

‘Not good, feels a bit sluggish; did you give e me a sedative?’

‘Yes you were in shock when they brought you in, so the doctor prescribed strong sedative to give your brain time to process the pain you suffered. Are you feeling better now?’

‘A bit, yeah I’m OK; when do you reckon I’ll get to go home?

‘Once you see the doctor, he’ll test you and if he thinks you’re OK, he’ll discharge you; just try to be patient young man. I know all about you, but not too many details about that bloody massacre. The outpatients here was over stretched; we've been working double shifts to take care of the injured. So don’t be in such a hurry to get back to work, officer; oh and there’s a young man waiting outside, he’s been here all night. Says his names Billy; do you want to see him?’

Paddy nodded yes and the nurse went out and a somewhat dishevelled Billy came slowly in. For a moment neither said a word, they just stared at each other.

‘Hey (sitting down on a chair beside the bed) Mr P . . . Say how’s it going?’

‘Yeah good thanks chum ....I reckon I’ll be out as soon as the doctor says I can go.’

An uncomfortable silence descended . . . neither wanted to talk about what happened. But Billy couldn’t hold back,

‘Jeez Mr P I feels bad, real bad ... if I have known you and Freddie were real close .... I mean (choke) I mean; oh (sob) shit Mr P . . . I just didn’t know and I went and shot me bloody mouth off . . . and . . . and caused you lottsa pain . . . I’m real sorry . . . yeah I’m real . . . ’

‘Billy, Billy, Billy ...stop. it weren’t your fault; how were you to know about me and . . . and ...you know.’

Silence,

‘Yeah, but I still shouldna been so cruel .... I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you Mr P, I hope ya knows that, cause t'me your real special . . .'

‘It’s OK Billy, it’s OK .... I’m the one that’s responsible for me being hurt. I . . . I still can’t understand what happened, or why it happened, or why ....he led me on. I’ll never know why he deceived me . . . that’s probably the worst of it . . . I’ll never know . . . and I need to know . . . but I can’t (sob).'

Sensing Paddy's distress, Billy changed the subject.

'How’d you’se meet . . . maybe I can help a bit if I knew how you'se come to be together?’

‘Yeah I reckon maybe I should talk about it now . . . it might help. OH shit I forgot, sorry Billy; is yer Da OK?'

'Yeah he's OK; seems he didn't join the gang after all. Probably the only sensible thing he's done in a long time; thanks fer askin'. But now you'se was gonna tell me how you and . . . . You know, how you and him hooked up.'

Silence whilst Paddy collected his thoughts.

‘We met at the Turkish baths in Oxford Street. I met him just as I was finishing and he was starting . . . geeze, it seems like so long ago but it were only a few months back . . . do ya know where I’m talking about?’

‘Cos I knows the place. I knows most of the gents who goes there; (chuckling) when I was a real young'un' I used to wait outside to pick up tricks 'afore they'se went in an paid to get in. It were good money . . . oh, shit Mr P I didn't mean to be rude; I'm sorry for buttin' in on you'se story. I'll shut it.'

'Nah (smiling) no problem; I like hearing you talk Billy 'cause you always lift me spirits. You got a cheeky way of talkin' that I enjoy and makes me feel real special to ya. Yer a good kid Billy . . . a real good kid . . . . me best mate.'

'Awe (blushing) I reckon I'se not so good, but . . . thanks anyways. Hey, you were telling how you and . . . . well, you and he met up.'

'Well, (sitting up and readjusting his pillows) not much more to tell. We met a few times and gradually became more involved both sexually and emotionally. When I saw him a few nights back I gave him my ring 'cause I thought we'd last forever. He seemed real happy and loving; made me believe he cared for me as much as I cared for him . . . (silence) . . . I, ummm . . . (choke) . . . Jesus Billy, I'm a fuck'n mess . . . sorry . . .'

'Hey, c'mon Mr P, you've been hurt bad; if it were me I'd be a basket case. I reckon you'se are holding tight. If'n ya wants me t'go just tell me . . . OK?'

'NO, no please stay; I need to talk. If I'm just by meself I keep thinkin' WHY, WHY, WHY. Why did he betray me; why did he set out to hurt me? I just don't understand, mate . . . I just don't understand. (silence) How well did you know him?'

'Not much, not much! I heard his cousin Moira asked Big Jim for a job as he'd just come out've Juvie and needed work; came with a rep bein' a gunman. I heard Missus T didn't like him, but Big Jim just went an hired 'im over her objections anyways . . .'

'. . . he was in Juvie, d'yer know what for?'

'Nah . . . sorry, we all jest kept out've his way see'n he were a gunman and all; had a nasty reputation, so none of us got close t'him. All the same . . . wouldna pick him as one of us though; real surprise that is, but I wouldna picked you out Mr P. (sigh) Ya never knows do ya. Anyway, if it ain’t too painful tell me more, eh’

‘Not much more to tell. I mean we both seemed to be lonely and became kindred souls. I suppose I was lonely and yeah . . . randy; you know, I was thinking with me cock and not me head, but . . . but it felt real good. I thought I was in love . . . no, I was in love. Now I'm not sure of how I feel.'

‘The trouble with you is that yer too nice Mr P. Ya don’t have the street smarts that I do, (sigh) although sometimes I wish I weren’t so hard and such. I won’t allow me self to become involved with anyone . . . except, (pause) except . . . you Mr P. I reckon ya knows how I feel about ya . . . no, no don't say anything . . . I don’t mean to be heavy on ya. I knows the score . . . I mean, I knows the way it must be, so don't say no more; just let it be.'

'Oh shit Billy (reaching over to hold Billy's hand) I've hurt you . . . . Oh god oh shit . . . . I'm real sorry; what a cunt I am. Billy, you're the last person in the world I'd ever hurt and I'm flattered that you'd have feelings fer a sap like me. You deserve better Billy, you deserve better than this heap of damaged goods. . . (Billy went to interrupt) . . . no man, let me get it out front. The precious coupla times we were together are real special. I enjoyed sharing that intimacy with you because you're special, real special. If I weren't such an emotional trashcan, I'd like to share time with you and maybe have a go at a relationship but it wouldn't be fair to you chum; I'd only make you miserable. I've got a lot of crap to get outa me system and it will take time; how much time I don't know. You go and find someone who'll make you happy . . . . promise me!'

Silence . . . both lads didn't want to get too emotional. Billy let his mind wander and then,

'But whatya gunna do 'bout Mr G? I knows yer both got feelings for each other. Whatya gunna do Mr P?'

Paddy lay quiet thinking about what Billy said, then

'Yeah, what am I gunna do? I've got strong feelings for Giles; I guess that’s obvious eh? (Billy nodded yes) I've sorta loved the man since I was a young'un but he's straight and I can't do anything 'bout it. Y'know Billy, maybe since I knew that my love for Giles was a lost cause maybe, just maybe, I gave meself readily to . . . to . . . well, you know who. (pause) hell, I don't know . . . but, hey . . . you don't have to listen to my ramblings. I love you Billy; I love you as I would love a young brother and I hope we can remain real good friends.'

'Don't worry MrP . . .'

'Hey, (Giles entering and interrupting Billy) how's our patient doing. Is he giving you plenty of lip, Billy? (turning to Paddy) How're ya feeling mate?'

'Good thanks Giles. Billy and I were just . . .'

'Hey, sorry if I interrupted you guys; do you want me to go outside whilst you finish what you'se were talkin about?'

'No, no MrG; I only came t'see how MrP is doin' and now that he's real better, I best be on me way . . . .'

'Billy, I meant what I said . . .'

'I know MrP; reckon it's good to clear the air and talk straight particular if'n we'se best mates. See ya MrP an' you MrG . . . look after 'im eh!'

After Billy left Giles was quiet for a few moments thinking about Billy's strange remark, then

'Everything OK between you two? I'm not used to seeing a serious Billy. Did you have a quarrel?'

'Nah (laughing) he's fine. He's a real good kid but I'd like to keep an eye on him just to make sure he stays out of trouble. Hey, thanks for dropping by.'

'Nah, I've . . . we've been worrying about you; just dropped in to see . . .'

As Giles was talking the nurse returned and interrupted,

'Well young man, if you're feeling OK the doctor says for you to go home but only to rest. If you start to feel poorly, you must come back to the hospital. You must promise me otherwise I won't let you go . . . OK, you promise?'

'Yeah, yeah . . . I promise.'

'Good, then get dressed; I assume this handsome young man will take you home. Is that right?'

'Yes sister (from Giles) I'll see he gets home and stays there until he's fully recovered. I'll take responsibility.'

So Paddy got dressed and signed the paperwork allowing him to leave the hospital. It was a quiet drive to Paddy's flat[1] but once inside Giles made Paddy lie down to rest. He also checked to ensure that Paddy had enough basic food and other essentials to see him through a couple of days. Once he was satisfied, he made them both coffees which they sipped quietly and thoughtfully.

'I've gotta get back to the shop mate, the paper work is killing us; you should be glad you've avoided all that crap. God, what a mess, the papers are calling it 'the battle of blood alley'. So many killed, so many injured and so many just walking around in a state of shock. Some will have nightmares for a long time. Hey, don't think I'm trying to get you to forget your horror, I know you can't and soon I want you to spill yer guts to me. You can't bottle shit like you've been exposed to and stay sane. I'll come by tonight and we can have a good yakka[2]; that OK?'

'Yeah, thanks mate I appreciate you bringing me home; I reckon I'll be OK, for now at least. Say can you find out if young Simon's dad was in the stoush and if so, is he OK. Simon's involved with another job I've got goin' and I'm keen to know that he's OK; will you do that for me?'

'Sure, now (finishing his coffee) I'd best be off; I'll be back around 8 tonight. There are some cans of soup in the cupboard; make sure you have something to eat and I'll see you later.'

'OK mate, thanks for everything; I'll try to be good.'

'Just make sure you rest; any problems . . . call me at work.'

***

The meeting had already started by the time Giles checked in at the police station; he was told to join as soon as he came in. When he entered the conference room he noted that it was chaired by the Police Commissioner, Teddy Asquith. Others in attendance were Inspector Peter O'Shey, Senior Sergeant Bill Delaney, Gary Styles and Mary Gordon.

'Thanks for joining us (from Teddy Asquith). I know you've been helping Paddy Langdon recover from his trauma and we all here send him our best wishes. (murmurs of support came from the group). I'll let your associates fill you in on our discussions but just let me say I'm proud of the way you've all responded to the crisis and the manner you've conducted yourselves in what is surely the most traumatic event that this police force has had to endure. I'll be reporting to the minister as soon as we conclude here. In summary it seems that over twenty-five persons have been killed, another twenty seriously injured and many others who have suffered mental disturbance not unlike what has happened to our own Paddy Langdon. (pause). Anyway, that’s all I have to say; thank you for your assistance.'

Giles returned to his desk and was scrutinizing reports when Gary Styles stopped by.

'Hey man, can I ask you a question? (Giles nodded) Did Paddy mention anything about young Simon, Billy's mate?'

'Oh shit, yes he did; sorry I forgot to ask about him. Paddy's concern was about his father and whether the older man was in the list of victims. I (consulting his list) can't see his name here; I assume the father's ok so what do you want to know about his son?'

'Look (uncertain) has Paddy mentioned anything about young Simon? (Giles indicated no) Well I really shouldn't say anything until Paddy has brought you in on the situation. I don't want to break his trust, so maybe . . .'

'Gary, I think you best tell me because I don't know how long Paddy will be incapacitated. If it's urgent you best tell me the basics so I can talk to Paddy. I'm sure he'll want to bring me up to date; as you know, we're very close.'

'OK, well it all started . . .'

And Gary went on to give Giles the information regarding Simon and the current status as he and Paddy had discussed. When he finished all Giles could say was,

'Wow! That’s incredible; you don't know what Paddy had in mind as an alternative course of action?'

'No Giles I don't, but I did agree with him that going through official channels would be non-productive. What do you think?'

'Yeah I agree there's not enough solid evidence that can convict the bastards and ensure at least a custodial sentence; this Nathan person should have his neck stretched. I wonder what Paddy had in mind. Look, I'm seeing him this evening and I'll ask him what he wants to do; is that OK with you?'

'Yep, I'll leave it to you; you can fill me in later'.

***

As the afternoon dragged on Giles developed a sense of foreboding; it wasn't anything that he could isolate but just a general feeling of apprehension that seemed to grow stronger with the passage of time. On leaving work to go home he was truly fearful and threatened; he had a presentment of something bad about to happen.

Arriving outside his home he reflected on how his relationship with Lynda had changed. What was once a welcoming home had now become just a house with four walls and partitioning. Granted he loved his kids, but he and his wife had lost the rapport enjoyed together in the early years of their marriage. He was now deeply unhappy and had to admit that their physical relationship had all but petered out. They hadn't had sex for several months.

Did Lynda feel the same? They never talked anymore so he was at a loss to understand how she felt. Was their marriage indeed on the rocks? At some stage they had to be honest with each other.

And then there was Paddy. Why did he feel a pang of jealousy when Billy admitted he might have had sex with Paddy? That should not have bothered him, but it did.

I just don't trust nor understand my emotions anymore. Why do I suddenly care very much about Paddy; is this the source of my feeling of apprehension? Maybe I'll talk to him tonight but before that I'll try and have a sensible talk with Lynda. (sigh) Well, here goes.

He inserted his key into the front door and walked inside.

***

Paddy had spent the afternoon in emotional hysteria. Try as he might, he couldn't get Ken's face out of his mind. He replayed over and over again their relationship, from the time they first met at the Turkish baths to the last time when they had dinner.

Nothing makes any sense . . . nothing. If he indeed was a gunman, as Billy claimed, then why did he become a totally different person when we were together? Why, Why . . . Why? And why can't I cry? It's all bottled up inside me and I can't let it out. Not good! No not good . . . if I don't release my emotions I'll go crazy. God, I hate being alone . . . no I don't; I just want to be by myself so I can wallow in self-pity. No, no . . . . that’s wrong; I've got to talk to someone. Billy!

Billy, Billy, Billy. I think you were trying to tell me you loved me . . . but, but I don't feel the same Billy. Sure we had a great time but that was more friendship than love; I can't give you what you need. Shit! Where have I heard that before! I just want to be friends . . . best friends . . . . I'm sorry Billy.

Giles. What am I gonna do about Giles? I still love him and I think with . . . with . . . Ken, I was running away from Giles. I just the fuck don't know anymore. I don't know what's real, what's realistic, what's possible and what's probable.

Geeze, I'm a mess; I can't think straight anymore. I wish I had been killed, not . . . .

***

'Hey Linda, I'm home.'

Giles walked down the hall towards the kitchen from which came the smell of cooking and the only light in the whole house; there was very little sound to be heard.

'You're late; do you know what time it is?'

Walking into the kitchen he found Linda sitting at the small plastic table that the family used for meals. Three used plates sat on a bench containing the remains of an earlier dinner. The atmospherics were not good, and the dire sense of foreboding that he had experienced all afternoon seemed to permeate the whole house.

Before sitting down he removed his belt and gun holster and placed them on the sideboard. On a coat hook he hung his cap and police issue jacket; to relax further he undid the first two buttons of his shirt and sat down at the table facing his wife. Linda sat forward aggressively and glared with hostility.

'Your dinner is in the oven but by now it's probably inedible. If you can't come home at a reasonable time to eat with your family don't blame me if the food is ruined. I'm not your servant; I'm not here to wait on you.'

'Yeah I know I'm sorry; we've had a hard time handling all the necessary paperwork brought about by the massacre in Eaton Street. You have every right to be angry. I don't enjoy working late any more than you have to contend with my being late. Anyway did the girls enjoy their dinner? I've been neglecting them of late and I'm really sorry; what did they have?'

'Oh just some grilled lamb chops, mashed potato and beans; do you want me to get your dinner now?'

'Sorry, but I've got to go out again (Linda flushed with anger) . . . . now before you chew my ear off, it's something I can't avoid. When all this drama settles down I'll make it up to you Linda; I'll have a lot of leave coming to me and we can plan a holiday with just us and the kids. I promise to make amends.'

'Oh (ironic) that's great; that’s just great. (leaning forward and stabbing at the table with her forefinger) You think that by saying sorry we'll just forgive and forget. I don't give a damn about the bloody massacre; I reckon it's great that those crims kill each other, because the world's a better place with them gone. A lot of folks feel the same as I do. Now I suppose you're off to cuddle and give support to their families while at the same time snub yer own family. You're missing the kids growing up Giles; very soon they won't be kids anymore and you'll have wasted the best years of their lives. I don't understand you, I really don't; you'd rather give succour to those low-life's than be with yer family. Get your priorities straight Giles.'

'Now (getting irritated) don't you think you're being a bit harsh. I'm an officer of the law; whilst upholding the law I've got to help anybody who's a victim of this bloodbath. That's my job Linda and you bloody well know it. Now, I said I'm sorry. You know I don't have a choice; you know it's my job, so why (getting aggressive) are you breaking me balls over something I can't control. Why? For your information I'm not off to cuddle these low-life as you put it, I'm just off to see Paddy who had to be hospitalized with shock last night and was only released from St. Vincent's this morning. I made a promise to his doctor that I'd call in and check he's OK. He was in a bad way Linda, a very bad way; he had to be tranquillized.'

'OH I see, (being sarcastic) yeah I see now, of course you've got to look after your little poofter buddy. What do you have to do? Wipe his bum, let him cry or perhaps give him a hand job to settle his poor nerves . . . poor little Paddy. I (angry) bet you're sleeping with him and fucking him; what's his bum like, as good as my fanny? You make . . .'

'NOW STOP THERE! That’s contemptible of you Linda; you should apologize for making those disgraceful remarks. You know Paddy's been my best friend since we were young'uns. Sure, he's gay, but . . . so what! (getting angrier). He's a caring human being who wouldn't hurt anybody and I'm proud to have him as a friend. If you knew him as well as I do you wouldn't go making those shameful statements. None of us are perfect and that includes you madam; there are times you just disgust me with your narrow minded spiteful bigotry and I only wish . . .'

'YOU WISH, YOU WISH! I'll tell you what I wish. I wish you were a man, a real man who knows how to please a woman, who doesn't spend time with worthless deviates, who prefers poofters rather than spending time with his kids; I wish you were a man Giles Madden, a real man like . . .'

'OH LIKE GARY STYLES (Linda gasps). Yes I know that you've been screwing Gary behind my back; in fact the whole shop knows about it. Gary's been warned . . .'

'WARNED WHAT! We're gonna get married just as soon as I can divorce . . . (Giles starts laughing) what are you laughing at? He loves me and I love him; (Giles continues to laugh) you can laugh Giles but I'm serious . . . I want a divorce and I want custody . . .'

'You stupid woman! You're a very stupid woman . . . no slut! Yer just a SLUT Linda, yer just a very stupid slut; he ain't gonna marry you. Wake up woman, you're just one of his fucks, you're just one of his many fucks. OK, OK, (still smiling) when was the last time you spoke to our hero?'

'Not that it's any of your business . . .'

'Not my business! Not any of my business! I'm yer bloody husband woman, I'm yer bloody husband and it's very much my business; how could you think otherwise? Geeze you disgust me; . . . anyway when did you last contact him?'

(Mollified) 'Last week; I think Wednesday afternoon . . . no Tuesday it was. What's your point?'

'Your so-called boyfriend . . . or should I say lover, has been told that if he continues to have affairs with the partners of his work mates he'll be fired from the Police Force. You see madam you're not the only wife he's been screwing . . . .'

'LIAR! You're just lying; it's because your weak Giles, you have to lie to protect yourself. I know Gary . . . he genuinely wants to marry me; we're in love, deeply in love!'

'You (getting up and facing Linda with his hands on his hips) are a sorry excuse for a woman. Actually I feel sorry for you. But (softening) in a way, it's good we've had this out, because we've been drifting apart for some time now; the only thing I regret is that we've used such harsh words to and about each other. I realise now that our marriage is well and truly over; there's no going back. Start the divorce proceedings and name me as the fault; I don't really care as long as I can have access to the kids, say every second weekend. I won't fight you. Let's behave like mature adults for once; we owe it to ourselves and the kids. What do yer say?'

'Well for once your being a man; pity . . .'

'Linda, no more cruel words and insults please; we've moved beyond that . . . well, I've moved beyond that. Let's conduct our divorce with dignity; it's a pity we didn't have a dignified and respectful marriage. Now, I'm on my way to see Paddy; it's pointless for me to come home after, so I'll kip down at Paddy's for the night.'

***

To Giles the simple act of closing the front door was more an act of symbolism than a plain household chore. He felt a wave of relief, a lifting of a heavy burden; all at once the sense of foreboding evaporated. Before starting the motor he sat quietly and tried to identify these new feelings which were confusing him.

Though becoming mystified and a little apprehensive, nonetheless there was no denying he felt good, in fact he felt better than he'd been for some time. He was now free of Linda's nagging, he could now concentrate on his career and he could finally be himself and not try to live up to the expectations of others?

I'm free to start all over again; there are facets of me that have been buried for a long time and I'm now free to explore who I am and what I want out of life. I can now allow myself to give free reign to my needs; needs that have long been suppressed.

With a smile Giles started the car and drove off towards Paddy's home.