Padrick - 10. Chapter 10

All through the long morning and longer afternoon, Paddy struggled to get control of his shattered life. It was his inability to cry that troubled him profoundly; he acutely felt the need to let go and it seemed his hurt was beyond the influence of human responses. He knew if he didn't emote and give vent to his repressed feelings, he would become catatonic . . . again.

He just moped around his home trying to find an outlet such as reading, cooking, bathing or tidying up. Nothing worked . . . but then the doorbell chimed.

Giles . . .?

And it was. When Paddy opened the door Giles was shocked to see his friend in such a traumatized state. Dark circles lay siege to his eyes; he had not shaved and his clothes were crumpled as if they had been slept in. He radiated misery.

'Geeze Paddy, (entering without Paddy's invite) you look terrible man; you look worse than when I left you this morning.'

'Oh Giles I'm so glad you're here 'cause I feel as if I'm gonna explode. I'm all bitter and twisted inside; I can't come to terms with all that’s happened. I'm sorry Giles, I'm a mess.'

'I can see that; what have you been doing; you're scaring me.' (Giles moved close and placed both his hands possessively on paddy's shoulders.)

And that's all it took. Giles's kind and affectionate touch became the catalyst that opened the floodgates. Leaning against Giles, Paddy laid his head on his shoulder and started to sob, at first quietly, but this then quickly deteriorated into body racking howls. All the hurt, all the emotional pain, all the confusion and all the suffering, erupted in a torrent of tears. Paddy cleaved to his friend as a drowning soul would cling to a life preserver. There they stood welded together, one slightly taller than the other, one sobbing and the other trying desperately to comfort his friend.

And then without any conscious thought, Giles tenderly turned Paddy's face towards him . . . and kissed him.

At first the kiss was tender and slightly hesitant, but soon a wave of passion engulfed Giles and he threw all restraint away and the kiss became ardent.

Initially Paddy's confused state didn't grasp what was happening but as soon as his conscious mind registered that Giles was kissing him, and kissing him passionately, he spontaneously reacted and returned the kiss. Then disbelief and alarm entered the equation causing Paddy to pull back and stare into Giles's eyes.

'Wha. . (sounding confused) what just happened? . . . you kissed me, Giles you kissed me . . . umm, why did you kiss me? . . . umm, what are you doing? Please don't fuck with me man; I (plaintive) I can't handle any more emotional crap . . . you kissed me! What does it . . . ?'

'Shush (placing his finger over Paddy's lips) shush, I wanted to kiss you . . . Paddy, and I want to kiss you again; just let's enjoy the moment. I'll explain later; let's . . .'

'No, no . . . now! Why are you kissing me? For years I've longed for a moment like this; you know it . . . you bloody-well know it! For years I was only able to regard you as a friend even though I died inside for want of something more. Now . . . now you're holding me and . . . and, kissing me . . . and, and telling me you want to kiss me again. Why? Why? why now? Please, please Giles; I can't handle any more emotional crap . . . please.'

Giles angled his head so he was staring into Paddy's confused eyes. The pain that he saw cut deeply. Before he answered, he ran his tongue over Paddy's proffered lips causing Paddy's body to quiver in response.

(Faltering) 'Paddy. . . I . . . I know how confused you must be; I'll admit to being a little bewildered myself, but I assure you I'm not here to give you any more pain. On the contrary . . . hey, (guiding Paddy to the lounge room) let's sit down on the sofa and I'll try and talk . . . to you, and . . . . at the same time, to myself.'

Once seated Paddy still clung to Giles who in turn placed his arm around Paddy's shoulders; he gently kissed Paddy's forehead.

Silence, for several heartbeats, then very hesitantly Giles continued,

'Slowly over the past weeks, I've been experiencing feelings that have (sigh) been long repressed. . . (pause) If you think back babe, when we were growing up, I never went out chasing females but instead spent most of my time with you. At some stage I began to worry about my feelings toward you specifically and then all males in general (pause). I knew deep down I was not attracted to females and this scared the shit outa me. Living life as a homosexual terrified me, so I opted for a coward's way out . . . namely, to find a woman and get married. (Giles gave Paddy's shoulder a gentle squeeze) I surmised that if I got married I would overcome my most basic instincts; I looked for a cure . . . yes, cure . . . I'm now so ashamed to admit my spinelessness.'

'Why . . . (angry) why didn't you say something? We could've talked; at least I would've known you held some feelings for me. As it was, I had to discipline meself that you were lost to any close relationship. Geeze Giles . . . all the time I pined for you and you were just trying to clamp down on yer feelings. Shit!'

'Yeah I know; I'm not proud of what I did . . . but let me continue please.'

'OK, you've got me bewildered. I want to hear the rest . . . or (sigh) do I?'

'Thanks. When I met Linda I immediately recognized a person who would prevail over my deepest cravings and point me on, on . . . towards, a normal lifestyle. (pause) Well, it worked for some time and when she bore children it seemed that I was indeed set on the right path. But then . . . then, (Giles turned and looked at Paddy's upturned anxious face) my long suppressed feelings began to remerge . . . in short, I began to get very jealous when others admitted to having physical relations with you; Billy in particular but then everybody in . . .'

'Giles, I had to slake my sexual needs somehow; I'm not ashamed . . . I'm not a slut and then . . . . Umm, whoever was available, so . . . .'

'Yeah . . . I know you're not a slut, I know that; I'm not accusing you for having sex . . . for God's sake, it was my fault that you went looking for others in the first place. I'm not in any position to judge you; on the contrary, you should be passing judgement on me. Please let me finish babe, I want to get this off my chest.'

'OK, sorry I interrupted; I'm a confused little slut right now. I want to hear the rest. Hey but what about Linda . . .?'

'I'm getting to her. Now, where was I . . . oh, yes? It was hard to admit that my care and concern for you was much deeper than mere friendship. I began to get intense longings to hold you, to cuddle you, to kiss you and, most importantly . . . to make love to you . . .'

'Make love to me? Do you mean . . .?'

'. . . yes . . . ummm, I was an emotional mess . . . and to my shame I started to take it out on Linda and the family. Our relationship went from bad to worse and as a result Linda started seeing other men. Strangely, during our increasingly regular quarrels, she always insisted that our . . . umm, yours and mine . . . relationship was more than just friendship; I ridiculed her, but deep down I knew she was right. I guess I've always loved you; I just couldn't admit it. (long pause). That's about where I am now . . . umm, as to Linda, she and I are getting a divorce and I agreed to let her use myself as the faulty person so that the legal procedures will run smoothly. Oh, don't worry; your name won't be mentioned.'

There was absolute quiet in the room as Giles finished his story. Then Paddy couldn't help himself; he dropped to his knees in front of Giles, who was sitting on the sofa, and pulled his head down to meet his own lips.

This time the kiss lingered and deepened; soon both tongues were jousting with each other passionately. Then reluctantly, Giles disengaged himself and asked Paddy quietly,

'What are you feeling Paddy? The past 24^hrs have been very traumatic and I'd like you to talk to me . . . please. I guess we both need to know where you are, both emotionally and physically. I don't want to take advantage of you; I don't want to take advantage of you when you're emotionally exhausted and not be able to think straight. In short I don't want to be cruel and inflict any more pain; so tell me . . . talk to me.'

Paddy got up, sat down beside Giles and reached for his hand; he sounded drained.

'Yeah (slowly), yer right; I've really been through the wringer this past day. I really don't want to talk about . . . about . . . Ken, just yet (pause). I've got too many questions that I know will never be answered. Up until you appeared at my door I was sinking into an abyss, an abyss of emotional pain that threatened to engulf me (pause). Now . . . I find . . . or I'm told . . . that my only real love, my childhood love, the love that I had held but also held to be one-sided, is in fact attainable. I sit here holding onto you Giles trying to comprehend that you care for me also, and that you've cared for me for a long time . . . (pause) . . . wow! My heart is singing, but at the same time my mind is a bit addled. I'm a little scared of trusting people and . . .'

'Look that I can understand Paddy; you're right to not trust people and perhaps it's fair that you don't trust me. I try to see it from your aspect; I suddenly walk into your life and proclaim that, after rejecting your feelings for many years, I now say I've loved you since we were kids. Yeah, if the same thing happened to me I'd be suspicious as hell. I guess only actions can convince you of my sincerity; turn around and come here.'

Giles stretched his long legs along the sofa and re-positioned Paddy so he was lying between Giles's legs with Paddy's back leaning against his chest. In this comfortable position Giles put both arms around Paddy and held him tight. In a flash, Paddy snuggled into Giles and so they lay quietly and comfortably together.

Oh man, this feels so good; this feels so natural just lying here with someone you really care about. Strange but never with Linda did I feel this calm and relaxed; never with Linda did I feel genuine love; never with Linda did I want to give myself completely emotionally and physically; never with Linda did I just want to give and ask nothing in return. My heart is aching with the love I feel for this man. My life from this heartbeat forward will be to ensure Paddy's happiness.

No one spoke; in this contented position they simply enjoyed the intimacy. But Giles's body began to misbehave.

Oh man, the smell of his hair is intoxicating. I can smell his essential masculine odour even though he's bathed himself. (Unconsciously Giles gave Paddy's shoulders a squeeze). This feels good, it feels natural and . . . is long overdue. My body is reacting as it should; my penis is disgracing itself but I don't care, except . . . I want to make love, physical love, but I'm not sure how. I don't know how to have sex with another guy; Paddy's vastly more experienced than I and it would humiliate me to ask him what to do. Now I feel anxious . . .'

(Softly) 'Giles . . . I don't know what you're thinking about but it must be erotic 'cause your cock's trying to stab me in the back; don't be embarrassed 'cause I'm flattered. There's only one solution.'

'Yes I know, except I'm nervous; I don't have any experience with male sex, but I'm randy as hell. Just sitting here and holding you is driving me crazy; my cocks so sensitive I could have a very messy accident. Tell me . . .'

Moving very slowly Paddy disentangled himself and stood up facing Giles. Grabbing his arms he made Giles stand up and said,

'Come with me: we're going to my bedroom.'

In the room, Paddy told Giles to sit on the bed. Kneeling down and maintaining eye contact, he slowly started to undress Giles, first by removing his shirt and then his singlet; admiration coursed through Paddy as he gazed on Giles's bare chest.

Giles's shoulders were heavily muscled; a light dusting of dark hair covered his chest before seductively disappearing below his trouser belt. Paddy leaned forward and gently tweaked Giles's erect nipples, which caused Giles to moan with pleasure.

'Please Paddy I don't . . .'

'Shush, don't say a word; I'm gonna give you more pleasure than you've ever experienced. Just lie back and let me adore you; I've waited too long for this . . . sorry, we've waited too long for this.

Kneeling over Giles, Paddy's tongue tormented him by licking his chest, then licking his armpits and finally playing with his erect nipples. His tongue then explored Giles's ear recesses whilst maintaining a soft caress of his engorged nipples.

Giles was in a state of intense bliss as he succumbed to Paddy's advances. Tendrils of fiery pleasure surged through his body, his breathing became irregular and his penis began to messily discharge.

Then, still stroking his nipples, Paddy kissed him. Giles responded passionately by using his hands to pull Paddy's head closer for a deep loving kiss. Their tongues jousted as they exchanged body fluids. But his cock became a problem as it demanded to be released from its prison; he was about to plead with Paddy to do something when Paddy broke the kiss and let his hands wander down to his belt.

Giles watched . . . and felt, Paddy undo his belt, loosen his fly and slowly drag his trousers down until just his underwear remained. He was mortified to see that his throbbing cock had discharged a goodly amount of juice which had stained his undies. But any discomfort evaporated as Paddy bent down and sucked the head of his penis and the juice that had oozed out.

Giles gave an involuntary moan and shuddered as a new wave of pleasure engulfed him. It was a sensation he'd not felt before and was so intense that he started to climax.

'Oh god Paddy, I'm gonna cum . . . I can't hold back . . . I'm sorry . . . oh my god . . .'

Surprised, Paddy hastily removed Giles's undies and enclosed the naked cock with his mouth. Giles began to groan, and then convulse and soon big globs of juice started erupting. It was warm, thick, salty and plentiful. Paddy kept swallowing as fast as he could to accommodate the volume of juice gushing forth; he kept up until he sensed that Giles had been drained. Then he straightened up and watched as Giles's body recovered slowly; he lay comatose, his eyes were unfocussed and his breathing heavy as small shudders still convulsed his body.

Slowly Giles recouped and sitting up smiled self-consciously at Paddy.

'That (throaty with after sex) . . . that was incredible; that has never happened to me before (pause). I can't believe I climaxed just by you touching me . . . (Giles paused to steady his breathing) Wow! (Gathering his thoughts) You see with Linda, I was always relieved to have an orgasm; it was a relief to be able to cum, as I was more fulfilling my duty rather than having fun. I have never . . . and I mean never, had an intense orgasm like that. Umm . . . I'm sorry I made such a mess . . . god, did you really swallow all my juice?

'Yes, (laughing) it tasted beautiful and I swallowed every last drop; here, taste yourself.'

Paddy leaned forward and kissed Giles allowing the remnants of his semen to enter his mouth. Breaking the kiss Giles asked Paddy,

'Shit Paddy, I'm still hard; I feel like I need to go again . . . hey . . . what about you mate, can I . . . ?'

'Giles I'm Ok, really. It's just that I've been battered emotionally and physically these past 24 hours . . . I feel how a punching bag at the local Gym must feel after a day of being used; I just need time to start functioning normal again. Right now all I want to do is give you pleasure. You'll know soon enough when I'm ready; (laughing) I can be very aggressive sexually. All I want to do now is to show you how much I love you; you've given up a lot for me babe and I want you to know how much I admire your sacrifice . . .'

'Sacrifice . . . there hasn't been any sacrifice. On the contrary I should be punished because I've caused hurt to three people; yourself, Linda and the girls. No . . . don't think on me as a martyr, I regard meself as a weak, spineless creature. I've got a lot of making good to do.'

Paddy looked deep into Giles's eyes and saw the pain; saw the struggle and the guilt.

'I love you Giles . . . but you know that, you've known that since we were young'uns but I'm worrying is it too soon for you to make a commitment . . .to make a commitment to me . . . to us? As much as I'm handling a mess of stuff over the past day, what about you, from what you said you've also had a lot of crazy stuff also; if you want time to think about . . . to think about us? I'll understand.'

Giles propped himself up on his elbow and looked earnestly at Paddy; at the same time seductively tracing his finger over Paddy's shoulder.

'Yeah you're right, it's been a roller coaster ride for sure but I'm the one feeling a bit insecure. I mean . . . I mean . . . umm . . . Ken. You were in love with him . . . deeply in love so you said. Now in the last 24 hours he's gone but I'm wondering if he's really gone; you can't just simply forget the feelings you had towards him . . . can you?'

Silence.

(Sigh) No you're right, of course you're right. But here's the thing . . . he lied to me. I don't know whether it was intentional or just that he was trying to make a new start. I'll never know will I. So I'm left with two choices; either dwell on the mystery and let it consume me or . . . move on.'

'Yeah that would be the conventional wisdom, but can you? I mean it's a big ask; you're only human . . . mind you, a very beautiful human (Paddy lightly punched Giles) I guess what I'm saying is that I'll be by your side to help you get through it. As for me babe I've set a new course; I'm with you . . . I'll always be with you.'

'Are you sure that . . . ?'

'Look, what happened just now was simply fantastic. For the first time sex wasn't about doing my duty. Linda never indulged in foreplay. I would get an erection and then we'd fuck until she came; I felt used. Now I can see how sex can be shared and enjoyed but , more importantly, it brings together two people who care about each other; in short it's a process of giving and sharing . . . not taking. To answer your question . . . yes, (tweaking Paddy's nipple) I'm sure.'

Silence . . . Paddy leaned forward and kissed Giles.

'Ok then, Ok; how do we conduct ourselves from here?'

'You mean work? (Paddy nodded yes) Let's just play it cool in the short term. In the long term . . . have you ever considered leaving the force?'

'To do what? Ummm . . . no, I haven't thought about leaving much. What's on yer mind?'

Giles looked at Paddy earnestly and explained,

(Slowly )'I)'ve often thought about buying a small farm up on the north coast . . . not too far from the ocean and well . . . farming it. It was always a bit of a dream for me but I never gave it any serious thought because Linda would object . . . but now . . . now, maybe we could make a go of it?'

Silence as Paddy absorbed what had just been said,

'Yeah (cautiously) . . . yeah, hey . . . that might just work for me. We'd be together, no one to interfere or judge us. Yeah . . . I like it but, how much money would we need?'

'Not sure, but I did do some preliminary investigation some time back. I found that it wasn't too expensive; couple of places I looked at were well within my finances. I was agreeably surprised.'

'Hey (getting enthusiastic) I think I'm hooked. Yeah, I don't know too much about farming but I would like to learn; yeah, I definitely could do this. What sort of farm did you have in mind?

***

And that's where it ended. Paddy and Giles brought a small banana plantation on the NSW North Coast and made it prosper. They had put the past behind them and in spite of the homophobic atmosphere of the 1920's in Australia they enjoyed a successful life together.

One day, whilst sitting on their front porch, the morning mail arrived. In it was one particular letter addressed to Paddy. Inside was a photo of Billy and a young girl holding up a new baby. On the back was a note which said the little bundle was their new baby boy . . . named Paddy.

Epilogue

Chief Inspector Miles O'Shey was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying his morning cuppa, when his wife came in carrying a box which she said had been left on the front porch.

'What do you want me to do, Miles; it's addressed to you so do you want to open it?'

'Nah, I'm too comfy; anyway, it's probably just junk from the office; you go ahead and open it.'

And she did . . . and started screaming, then fainted.

O'Shey jumped up to see what had set his wife screaming. When he looked inside the box he suffered cardiac arrest for there, staring back at him was the severed, bloody head of Nathan.