Wishful Thinking - 1. Chapter 1

I remember the very first day that I noticed him in 'that way'. It had never occurred to me that he was cute, or sexy, or beautiful before that hot summer afternoon in June. I mean he had been my best friend for almost a whole school year at the time, and at 13, a good best friend is all a guy really needs. Sure I had sexual urges at that point, but none I really pursued, or even understood at that time. To me, sex was just a few smut magazines and some dirty whispers in the locker room. But that one day, when Brandon and I rode our bikes out to the park, we stopped to lay out on the hill and just relax for a while. That was when I first felt it. That slight shift in my reality, that gentle push, that made me see him for the true teen heartthrob that he really was. It was as if my hormones had suddenly kicked in, like they had been turned on like a switch, and I haven't been the same since. His dark blond hair turned from just blond to a golden splendor in my mind. His brown eyes had transformed into the most beautiful shiny brown marbles to ever grace the human face. His lips became plush ruby red bliss that I gazed at without shame. His body became a sexy thin huggable mass, one that I longed to hold against me for hours on end. His entire 'aura' changed in front of my very eyes, and all the lovely things about him that I had been taking for granted for so long, had suddenly become painfully obvious to me. And I knew then what I had been missing. Brandon was GORGEOUS! How did I go a whole six or seven months and never notice how undeniably fine he was? I remember hearing his voice with new ears, seeing his soft skin with new eyes, and longing to roll over and just stare at him in wonder. I thought that it had just rushed over me all at once, but after a few minutes of thought, I realized that the feelings were already there. Maybe they were 'always' there, lying dormant until the day when my love for him would rattle it into my conscious mind, and force it rushing to the surface. Sure, I'd thought about boys before, but just in passing, and then I was quick to push it out of my head...always worrying that someone might read my thoughts and find out the evil and perverted things that lived there. It felt wrong, gay, sick. So I never let it stick before. But as Brandon lay beside me on that grassy hill, chatting happily about the clouds above and the time he tried to set his stepsister on fire...I knew that this was different. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this feeling, and I was more than happy to let thoughts of gently pressing my lips against his linger for a while longer. He was just so beautiful.

Brandon had such a weird sense of humor, such a wacky and offbeat personality, that you couldn't help but smile just to look at him. His hair was always so neat, his clothes always well ironed, even the shorts and t-shirts he wore during the summer. And he always had this sweet smell about him, like his whole body had just come out of the dryer. Even in heat like this, he never seemed to sweat. He had the scent of honey and sunshine, if you can imagine it. He just looked so soft all over that you just wanted to find all kinds of reasons to just reach out and touch him. Any reason at all. He had this stable, yet delicate, nature about him too. One that just let you know that cuddling with him close to your body would be a satisfying experience indeed. That afternoon, laying there at his side and talking about everything short of heaven and hell, was one of the best days of my life. My first experience with true love, ain't it grand?

"...so I tried to get the lighter to work and at least singe a couple of her hairs, but the bitch just wouldn't burn. The lighter, that is." He said. His voice was so cute. He didn't really squeak when he talked, but his voice would be high one day like a ten year old, and then almost hazy like a teenager the next. It was kind of cool trying to guess which one it would be on any given day. "So my dad took the pig away and we all had a bake sale in the rain."

"Huh? What???" I asked confused.

"Just seeing if you were paying attention dude. You looked like you were phasing out on me there for a sec."

"Oh...hehehehe...yeah. I was listening." I was giggling. But not like a regular giggle, this was a childlike, ticklish, girly giggle. And once I heard myself do it, I covered my mouth right away and started to blush. But he looked over at me and gave me a strange smile, like he was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. "Hehehehehehehehehehehehe" I couldn't stop! Every time my eyes met his, I just laughed harder and harder. I don't even know why! There was absolutely nothing funny about having kissy-kissy feelings about your best friend in the whole world, especially since he's a boy. But it seemed to be the only emotion that could come to the surface, the only one that I could understand and use to express my sudden infatuation with him. I giggled and snickered and the more I tried to hold it back, the harder I laughed.

"Hehe...what? What did I say?" He asked, beginning to crack up himself. The sight of me basically losing what was the rest of my sanity must've looked somewhat strange to him. But if it's one thing I've learned about hysterical laughter, no matter how silly or stupid the situation...it's highly contagious! Soon he was laughing just as hard as I was, and we were doubled over on that hill, neither one of us understanding why. I can't recall how long we bawled out that little burst of chuckles, but by the time we were threw we could hardly breathe.

We talked for a while more, our smiles glued onto our faces for the rest of the day. And before leaving, he grabbed me, and tried his best to roll me down the hill. I can vaguely remember pulling him on top of me, the impact sending us both rolling over one another to the bottom of the tiny mountain. We were laughing and yelling the whole way down, but all the while my heart was going crazy. I was holding him in my arms, feeling his lithe body against me, his smooth arms gripping my shoulders, his sweet breath intoxicating me all the way down. I felt his slim waist and it was as though he had no fat on his body whatsoever. His hair seemed to whip around in slow motion, the short bangs flowing back and forth across his eyes. It was heaven and more. We finally hit the bottom of the hill, laughing and out of breath, and he climbed up off of me, extending his hand to help me up. It was a strange feeling this 'love' I had in my heart for Brandon. All I could think from that day on was, "We've reached the bottom of the hill. So why is my world still spinning?"

That was two years ago. And now here I am, Kenny Clark, boy on a mission. Things are a bit different at age 15 for me and Brandon than they were at 13. My brown hair had gotten a bit darker, now curtaining the sides of my face a bit, but still pretty short. My eyes haven't gotten a darker shade of blue, I guess the dark hair makes them stand out a bit more. And although a few things have changed, and some have remained the same, there was only one part of my life that had increased to levels that I never dreamed possible. I loved Brandon more than ever. I was obsessed, to the point where I was afraid that I'd never be able to think on my OWN anymore. He seemed to just take residence in my heart and I couldn't let it go. It was hard to remember how we were when I didn't love him the way I do now, with all my heart and soul. Or what I would do if I ever suddenly stopped. I mean I wasn't quite sure where this love came from...what happens if it stops as quickly as it started? Even worse, what if it doesn't? What if I'm doomed to love him the rest of my life and can never find comfort in anyone elses arms. Even boys and celebrities that I'd dreamed about before were no match for Brandon. He was just too much for them to compete with. I just wish I could stop this before I end up freaking him out or something. Or even worse, getting hurt unbearably by the realization that I'd never have him for my own.

Brandon's sense of humor was still as wacky as ever, but since his hormones had kicked in, they got more sexual in nature. Sometimes it was really funny, other times it made me blush and giggle uncontrollably, teasing me to the very limits of my self control. He had gotten even more beautiful, without once losing his babyface or his boyish charms. His voice had settled into a sexy young haze that always had a cute comedic quality to it. He was always smiling, never in a bad mood. Then again, what did he have to be upset about? He was popular, he was smart, he was funny, he had girls throwing themselves at him left and right, and even the teachers adored him. Even if I COULD find a flaw in him, I would have only loved him more for it, and it killed me. We hung out everyday, before school, after school, lunchtime, gym class, study hall...whatever. And on fridays it was a quick dash to the movies, or the arcade, or the mall. We were beyond inseparable, and yet being around him really hurt me sometimes.

"So what have we got planned for this weekend dude?" He asked me over lunch. He was eating one of those sick lunchroom ice cream things in the cup. You know, the one they make you eat with a wooden stick? Who invented that shit anyway?

"Um...don't know. There's a Schwarzeneggar flick coming out this week. How about we check that out?"

"That's not until next week man."

"You sure?"

"Of course, aren't I always? Got a plan B?" He was just so cute sitting there shoveling ice cream into his mouth. I was almost distracted by it, the way he just overflowed with sex appeal in every way and was totally unaware of it.

"Well...um...not really..." I forced my eyes back down to the table, trying not to stare at him, but like a magnet his face drew my eyes back up to greet his. God, those wonderful baby brown eyes...sighhhh...You'd think after knowing him for two or three years, these simple conversations would get easier for a love starved goofball like me.

"How about we just hang out at your house then? We can rent a movie or somethin'. Cool?"

"Sure..." I said, thrilled at the idea of having him in my house. "...my mom will be around, she can drive us out to the video store and we can get a pizza or something."

"Your mom will be there? Oh man, that means if we decided to have hot steamy sex or something, we'd have to keep it down. Or at least close the door." He said, never once cracking a smile, never once breaking the slow rhythm of scooping ice cream into his mouth. Arrrgh! Now do you see what I have to endure day in and day out?

I immediately felt the blood rush to my head...BOTH of them actually, and as usual I tried to ignore the remark. "Eeeeewwwww...dude, you've got problems." Grrr! Sometimes I really hate getting into 'hetero' mode around Brandon when I knew deep down that I just wanted to accept his advances. Just once.

"Oooh, did I hit a nerve? Somebody is blushing! A-ha! So you like that idea, huh? Maybe we can go to my house instead? And just get freaky till sunrise! Over and over and over." He said, a little smile on his face. "What do you think?"

"Hehehehe...Brandon....geez..." I said bashfully quiet, trying not to laugh too loud for fear of giving myself away. There was that girlish giggle of mine again. Okay, stop it Ken! You're gonna give yourself away here. He's just playing around. Okay, breathe, breathe....

"What? I mean it. We can just go home and get butt naked and go right to work. I think my mom keeps some baby oil in the bathroom. Or maybe you prefer whip cream or something...ya freak!" He wasn't letting this go! He was having way too much fun.

"Y-y-yeah...whatever dude...hehehehe...how about we do anything BUT that, okay?" I wanted to tell him, I wanted to sooo bad. I wish that he could just give me some kind of sign that he wasn't just kidding around. If only I had enough guts to ask him, to show him. If only he'd let me hold him in my arms and whisper all the feelings I've ever had for him in his ear while letting my hands roam free over his soft teen body. But I guess that I'll have to keep myself 'straight' for his sake and for mine. What a world.

"Ohhhh, I get it. You think I won't be any good huh? I will, I'll be really good. I'll practice on the teddy bear and everything. It'll be great. So now will you have sex with me? Please?" He whined, seductively licking the stick clean of vanilla ice cream...giving me an erection in the process. I could almost see it! A SIGN! A hidden signal in my heart that was like an eerie 6th sense, telling me that maybe Brandon wasn't joking as much as he'd like me to believe. This weird feeling swept over me, a joy so perfect that it frightened me. It was a mysterious shiver that left me weak and helpless, clearing my mind of all doubt. For that one moment, I was certain that Brandon and I were meant to be together forever, and I knew that I had a shot at this thing being real.

There was a second or two of silence, and I fearfully looked into Brandon's brown eyes, almost seeing myself reflected in them, and I was totally speechless. I stared right at him, and was almost ready to let my smile fade just a little. To just say 'ok' and let him know that I was more than interested. To let down my guard enough to stop pushing him away and letting him understand how much I truly cared for him. It was like suddenly being aware of my destiny. But after looking up from his ice cream, a huge smile broke out on his face and he laughed at me. He playfully kicked me under the table and even though I pretended to smile and laugh back at him, I was dying inside.

"Dude, if I didn't know you better, I'd swear you were taking me seriously!" He chuckled. And as I watched the enjoyment on his face, my smile became more and more artificial by the second. It had to be a mistake, no signals, no omens, no shared destinies. Just a hopeless teenage crush and some hormone induced wishful thinking. And to think, like a dork I almost fell for it.

"Hehehe, Cut it out, will ya? Come on!" I kept up a smile, after all, I should be used to this by now.

"Ok, ok...I'm just kidding, you know. You're too uptight. Listen, tonight sounds like a plan to me. So I'll head on over around five o'clock. Sound good?"

"Not as good as the butt naked sex thing, but pretty good." I said. Yes, I tend to get in a shot or too once in a while. But as much as I tried to just let the words roll meaninglessly off the tip of my tongue, I always had to hold back, because I really meant it. I didn't have the freedom and shameless ease with 'flirting' as Brandon did. I was much too shy for that. And besides....I actually MEANT every word I said. I often wonder just how far he'd take it if I got the courage to play the games he played.

Brandon smiled down at me as he got up with his lunch tray. "See you then." And he walked off. I was trying not to be too obvious about it, but I looked at his butt when he left. It was such a cute butt too, a tight little pair of round globes that pressed out his pants in the back ever so slightly. I could just fantasize about what it would look like completely bare. Just soft warm flesh presented before me, radiating that honey-sunshine scent and ready for my loving touch. As he walked out of the door, I finally caught my breath again, and relaxed. I'm so pathetic sometimes.

Next period. Always a shitty time for me, the period after lunch. Thank goodness it was just a ceramics class and I didn't have to pay any attention really. I found out early that I was going to be forever 'artistically challenged', so I used the time to think about Brandon. His eyes and hair, his voice, his smile, his whole presence. What was fate trying to do to me? Dangling a delicious piece of meat in front of a starving child like myself just for fun. I just sat back, feeling anxious, hurt, desperate, and just out of luck. I would sit back and imagine how it would be if he loved me. If I could just tell him whenever I wanted to. If I didn't have to hold back. If I could hold him so tight and never let him go. This longing was tearing me apart, and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...it did. This is all his fault! He didn't have to be so damn cute. He didn't have to be so lovable and witty and...sigh...oh what am I doing to myself? It's not like he's doing it on purpose. He didn't lead me on or anything. It's no more his fault that I'm a fag than it is mine. It's just that I wish I had a chance, even a slim one. I'd do whatever it took, sports, grades, grow my hair long, cut it short, lose weight, gain weight, hypnotism...hell, if I could afford a sex change, I would do it. Anything for just one day of love from Brandon. One day to make memories that I could cherish forever. One day to look into his eyes and not be so ashamed that I'd have to turn away. I think I spent ninety percent of that class period thinking about him every day, and the other ten percent trying t think of something else so I wouldn't start crying in front of everybody. It might be better if I didn't know him, if I hated him, or just admired him from afar. But the truth is we were best friends, and he'd never leave my side, no matter how badly it hurt to look over and see him standing there. Life...does it ever have an answer?

I met Brandon after school, and we got our stuff to go home. We always walked home together, and it was just a really good time to talk for us. Somedays we would be especially silly, some days we would get into philosophical moods, some days it was just a lot of small talk. Today seemed like a combination of all three. "So you got any videos in mind for tonight? Horror, comedy, action...maybe a chick flick?" He asked.

"A chick flick? No way! Horror, definitely horror."

"Ok, but we have to get an old one! Like "Zombie Panty Raid Part 6" or something."

"Ugh! You always want to get that old cheesy stuff." I said.

"Of course! That's REAL horror, like in the good old days. Don't get me wrong, there's always room for 'Scream' and 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' and 'Urban Legend' and a billion other slasher movie clones...but there's nothing like REAL horror to get your...um....'juices flowing'." He giggled. And he was right, but the movie selection went right out of my mind when he said that. There it was again, that feeling inside. I looked over at him, and for a split second it was all very clear to me again how he felt about me. At least it seemed like it. They say every one of us has a hidden 'gaydar' that can seek and scope out another homosexual from a mile away. I always figured mine was broken or something. But every once in a while, I would see something slightly off about the way Brandon did things. His walk was different, his tone of voice, his laugh, his hand gestures, his eyes, the things he did, the things he said...all of it just screamed possibility to me. It has happened so many times, but only for a quick second, and then it was gone. Every time I thought it was finally coming into focus, he would completely throw me off track by doing something...I don't know...macho or something. And I let my emotions muffle the signal. It was just my infatuation getting to me again, it had to be. It's been years, I think I would know if Brandon was gay.

And he didn't like me that way, he couldn't have. He was just too perfect to be cursed with this 'flaw', too pretty to be available for someone like me. I had witnessed these feelings before, and was terrified to act on them. I mean, what if I did and he was just joking? What if I told him and he just hated me? Brandon and I were close, but I'd much rather tell him I was a serial killer or an alien from outer space than gay. At the very least it would be weird, awkward to the point where we couldn't hang out as much anymore. His jokes would stop completely, his flirting would have more power and he would feel strange doing it to me. He'd probably get tired of walking on eggshells for me all the time, and go find some other straight friends that he could be comfortable with. It was a double edged sword. Either tell him and lose the most wonderful person in my life, or bottle it all up forever and let him wiggle his cute butt in my face for me to drool over for the rest of my life. Neither one was a pleasant decision, but at least I knew what to expect from bottling it up, I'm slowly learning to live with it anyways. I've just got to stop letting my emotions get the best of me and think straight for once.

"Ken....KEN! Dude, what's with you today? You're spacing out even more than usual." He said, bringing me back into focus.

"Sorry, just got things on my mind. That's all."

"Ohhh...sex? Anybody I know? I'll be it's that fine lunch lady isn't it?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh gross! The anorexic one with a billion wrinkles and one blue eye?"

"No man, she's ugly! I mean the 350 pound chick with the fuzzy chin and a moustache. She'd be hot if you put some daisy duke shorts on her and some fishnets!"

"Yuck! She wouldn't be hot if I set her on fire!" I said, and we both started laughing like crazy. I practically dropped down to my knees as my laughter drained me of my ability to stand, and Brandon had to lean up against a tree as we continued to badmouth the lovely lunch staff at our school. But Brandon finally came back to the original question.

"So, c'mon, tell me...who was it?"

"Who was what?"

"The sexy princess you were thinking of. I'm curious."

"Who says I was thinking about sex? Geez, you're such a pervert!" I said, trying to avoid the subject and just get back to normal. I got up and he soon followed.

"So you're not gonna tell me, huh? You never talk about girls and stuff Ken. I want to know, you can tell me. Our secret, I swear."

"I just...I'm not thinking about anybody, that's all."

"Oh, this must be good! So I'll just have to worm it out of you. You'll have to tell me eventually, you know?" He smiled, walking beside me and nudging me in the shoulder. "So tell me."

"I'm not in love with anybody, okay?" I said.

"Ooooh...who said anything about LOVE? I said sex. Now I KNOW this is good stuff! Tell me Ken! Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"Maybe it's nobody you know, maybe it's somebody who lives in another country somewhere."

"But it IS somebody?"

"Yeah...I mean NO...I mean...can we just leave this alone please." I was getting really nervous at this point, and my mind started thinking of random girls at school that I might be able to name in a pinch, just in case he got any more info out of me. He had a way of getting into my head as easily as he got into my heart.

"Sorry dude, but you've got me too interested to stop now. So...who is she?" I didn't say a word, I just kept walking, hoping he would think I was pissed or something and forget about it. But I felt his hand grasp my shoulder and turn me around, stopping me from walking. But instead of his usual sly grin, I saw something more serious in his eyes. "Ken...look, I won't pry or anything, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But...I...I would just kinda like to know. You know what I mean? It's important. Well...not important, but...nevermind. You don't have to tell me. I don't want to know anyways." He said. And then he just let me go. He looked a little disappointed by the whole thing, and I guess with his sex drive going crazy all the time, he must be anxious to have somebody to talk girls with. And who better than his best friend. We've never done it before, and it was something I was willing to do if it made him happy. Even though I knew very well that hearing him talk about being with anybody else would basically drive a stake right through my heart, I never wanted him to think that I couldn't trust him, or that he couldn't talk to me. Sigh....so I wracked my brain looking for a name, any name, and I came up with a safe bet. A girl he wasn't friends with, someone who he probably wouldn't know well enough to attempt to set me up with her.

"Ok...it's Jessica, a girl in my ceramics class. Happy now?" I lied.

"....Really? Oh...cool, man." He said. I think that maybe I hurt his feelings or something by not just blurting it out when he first asked. It was like he didn't want to hear it anymore. His smile just didn't seem as genuine anymore.

"I'm sorry. It's not like I don't trust you dude, it's just...I wasn't quite sure how I felt about...her...yet. You understand."

"Sure...no worries man. She's a hottie."

"You know her?"

"No, not really. I've seen her before in the halls though. Right after your class, she walks my way. Nice looking. So tell me...what did it for ya?"

Oh great, now he's asking for details. You tell one little white lie, and the next thing you know you're a politician. "Um...her...um...." I tried desperately to think of something, anything. One reason to like this girl that would be satisfying enough to cheer him up, show him I trust him, and still be convincing enough to fool him. No problem Ken...just sign here on the dotted line and consider your soul sold. But then he looked at me, those sparkling brown eyes, that lovely hair blowing in a slight spring wind, and I saw what true love was all about. It came to me, this was my chance. My one and only chance to tell Brandon how I felt about him in a roundabout way, without him catching on. I looked at him, and let the floodgates of y heart open wide to let the words spill out of me. "Her eyes. She has the loveliest eyes I've ever seen. Her hair, her smile...I love everything about her." I replaced every image of her with an image of Brandon, and the fact that I was telling him face to face how I felt, that I was actually saying the words, made the butterflies in my stomach go wild. I was overwhelmed with this tickling warm sensation, this burst of love that poured out of my heart and made my body feel weightless, and yet grounded somehow. Almost able to fly, but holding back enough to keep me from doing so. "I love her for being who she is, for filling me with every pleasant emotion that man has a name for, and some that it doesn't. For making me believe in love, Brandon. Because I know that just one night with her would be worth an entire lifetime of 'simulated' joy with anyone else. She means everything to me, and I just wish she could feel the same. I think I'm really in l..."

"Oh shit..." Brandon said, interrupting me. "I left one of my books at school for my homework this weekend. You know, I'm going to go back and get it okay? Just rent whatever you want and I'll come over later...unless something comes up. I'll see you later."

And then he started to walk away. "Wait, what do you mean unless something comes up? You're still coming right?"

"Yeah...I'll be there. See ya." And he just kept walking, never turning around to look at me.

"Don't forget about the hot steamy sex!" I shouted out behind him. He giggled a little bit and turned around for a second.

"Hehehe...whatever...pervert!" And then he just walked off into the distance.

I went home and rented "Zombie Panty Raid Part 6" and "The Zombie Bastard That Came From The Southside of Hell and his Bride" from Blockbuster and waited for Brandon to show up. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself, I was fidgeting, nervous, and I just felt like I was going to meet Brandon for the first time all over again. It was strange, to say the least. I couldn't believe how stupid I was. Telling him how I feel like that, right in the middle of the street. We were looking at each other right in the eye. He could surely put two and two together if he really tried. In fact, that's probably why he's late. He's probably piecing it all together right at this moment. Running it through the 'bat-computer' so he could find out exactly what was on my mind and my secret will be out. He'll KNOW! I KNOW he'll know! He's going to find out his best friend is a fag and I'll never see him again. Maybe he know's already, and he doesn't want to come over now. Geez, what did I do? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

It took me another hour and a half to get enough courage to call him and find out what happened. My hands were shaking as I dialed his number. I wondered if he hated me yet, if he was thinking of some easy way to tell me we couldn't be buds anymore. But when he picked up the phone, he didn't sound too out of it. "Hey Brandon, it's me...um...are...are you still coming over?"

"Oh yeah. Sure, if you still want me to, I guess I can be there in a few minutes."

"If I want you to? Of course I want you to, we've got a date, remember." I said. He sounded a little different, but I don't think he knew about me yet.

"Ok...cool! I'm on my way!" He sounded happier when he said that, and he must have come over top speed, because he was ringing my doorbell shortly after hanging up the phone.

We hung out for a while, my mom bought us a pizza, and we started the movie. We leaned against my bed as we both sat on the floor next to each other, and shut all the lights off, the room dark except for the flicker of the television and the alley light that shined through my bedroom window. We were basically quiet for the first part of the movie, only talking when reciting word for word one of the cheesy lines from the movie, and it was just like old times. But oddly, when the scene where two campers were having sex in a tent, with zombies lurking outside of course, Brandon started talking to me. He's usually really into those parts especially, so it took me by surprise that he'd miss it.

"Just think Kenny, that'll be you some day soon. Hehehe!" He said.

"What? What are you blabbing about now?"

"You and Jessica. Looks like you'll be knocking her boots just like that, huh?" He said nudging me with a wink and a smile.

"Whatever. I doubt that'll be me for a long time." I said.

"So...like, it'll be your first time. Right? Man, she's lucky."

"Yeah...I guess." I replied, and then I just tried to go back to the movie. I was just feeling kind of bad about lying to him. I was hoping that he wouldn't ask for too many details, and then after a few weeks of faking, I can just write it off as a crush and never mention it again. I just had to stall for long enough to make it look real. How did I get myself into this anyway?

The room was quiet for a minute or two, but then he brought it up again. "So...has this...I mean have you two been talking long?"

"Who?"

"You and Jessica. I mean, have you talked to her at all? Do you think she likes you back?" Why was he going so in depth with this thing. Geez!

"Um...no, not really."

"Oh. So...why her? I mean, why not somebody else or something?"

"I don't know. Just happened I guess. Hey, here comes the part where the zombies fill the dead bodies with vodka and have a big frat party on the camp grounds! Look he's cutting her open!"

"Yeah. I've seen it before. That's actually a real pig stomach they used for the special effects in that scene. So..." I knew hearing him say 'So...' meant yet another question, so I prepared myself to go even further into this little fantasy. "...What about Vanessa, or Rachael, or somebody? I mean...you don't really have to be totally in love or anything, it's just a few dates and stuff, right?"

"Nah, Vanessa hates my guts, and Rachael's just not my type."

"But Jessica IS your type?"

"I don't know. But she's cute, you know?" I replied. I was almost starting to believe my own hype on this one. I thought of every possible reason to like her for real, just so I could stay in 'character' and make it through the night.

"Well...she's not THAT cute." Brandon muttered under his breath.

Don't ask me what made me do it, but something inside of me made me actually want to defend her from Brandon. I don't have any idea why. I guess it was something inside of me that made me wonder if he doubted that I could ever get a pretty girl like Jessica interested in me. Maybe he wanted her for himself. Maybe he was jealous or something. After all, I've never really heard HIM talk about being interested in anybody. "What do you mean? You think she's ugly or something?"

"I didn't say that. I just...look...you're cute, I personally think you could do better. That's all."

"Well...you know it's not just all about looks dude. I mean personality and sense of humor comes into play too, you know?"

"Dude it takes more than personality and sense of humor to get somebody interested in you. I guess you have to be the right kind of...person...or whatever."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I said, my twisted mind actually getting upset at him attacking somebody that I never even thought twice about before that afternoon.

"Nothing, let's just drop it okay?" He said in a pouty voice.

"I know what I want, ok? She's a really cool person."

"I thought you said you haven't been talking to her for that long?"

"I haven't!"

"And yet, you think you're in love with her? I find that hard to believe."

"I don't care what you believe!" I said almost shouting at him. As much as he teased me with his sexy jokes and his perfect body and his beautiful face...he was gonna lecture ME on love???

"Look dude, I didn't come here to fight with you, alright? I said let's drop it!" He yelled back.

"Well you obviously seem uncomfortable with this whole thing, so why not just say it?"

"I'm NOT uncomfortable with it Ken! I just...I don't know what you see in her, that's all." He said, and he sulked back down to watch the movie, and I did the same. We didn't speak, or even look at each other for the next ten minutes. And I thought about what had just taken place, and mentally smacked myself in the forehead. What the hell was I doing? I was so wrapped up in this thing that I was actually beginning to believe my own story! Geez, now Brandon was pissed at me! This was supposed to be our 'hang out' night, not a spat between buddies. I looked over at him, and he wasn't even watching the movie anymore. He had his turned away from me completely, and he was just staring off into a corner of the room. I felt awful. How could I do this? How could I have the audacity to hurt someone who I love so much and have devoted my every waking moment to for almost three years of my life? I looked over at him again, sitting in silence, his chest heaving with every breathe, his smooth cheeks softly blanketed with his sandy blond locks, his knees pulled up to his chest as he sat next to me, pouting. And I knew that I should be the first to apologize.

"Look...I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have snapped at you like that." I said, hoping to make things right again between us.

Brandon didn't turn around, in fact he turned further away from me. But he muttered, with a shaky voice, "It's alright dude. It's my fault. I shouldn't have jumped on her like that. You're in love and I should respect that." Then, I could have sworn I heard a sniffle. I leaned forward a little more, but he turned his back to me and started using his shirt to wipe his eyes. "I should probably go, I've made a mess of things tonight."

"Dude...are you crying?" I asked. I think saying it must have made him feel worse, because he started to softly sob out loud, choking it back as much as he could. "I'm sorry Brandon. God I'm so sorry! Don't cry man, we're still best friends..."

"Yeah..." He whimpered a little with a slight laugh, "...best friends."

I scooted over a little bit to give him a hug and he pulled away from me, almost in shock. "What are you doing?" He asked, jerking back.

"Nothing, I was just...trying to make you feel better. That's all."

"I'm fine. Look I've gotta go." He said quickly rising to his feet.

"Brandon, please...don't leave because of me. Okay? Please? I said I was sorry."

He looked down at me and was still a bit teary eyed from the whole thing. I wasn't sure what exactly it was that I said that got him so upset, but I knew whatever it was, I'd gladly take it back. He was standing in my room, looking at me with those giant brown eyes of his, and he was just soooo cute, even pissed off he was cute. I loved him, lusted after him, cared for him, befriended him, and nothing in this whole torturous world meant more to me than that.

Neither one of us knew exactly what to say at that moment, and we both mentally stumbled on him trying to leave and me trying to get him to stay. Then, at that moment was one of the cheesiest lines from the whole movie. The one Brandon and I never failed to say out loud. This zombie had eaten this ladies heart right out of her chest and this country bumpkin sheriff was standing over the body. And when the deputy asked what happened, the sheriff actually said, "My God Jed...she's been eaten out!" Hehehehe, we both couldn't resist and repeated the line simultaneously, with the same southern drawl. And we couldn't help but giggle to ourselves. Shyly at first, with a few hearty chuckles here and there, and when we both saw the other person laughing, we cracked up again. We were friends again in a matter of minutes. We just had that special something that allowed us to do that, all kids do to some degree.

However, I could just 'feel' Brandon squirming and I knew he didn't just want to let this drop. "Um...one more thing, and I promise I'll leave you alone, okay?"

"Brandon...."

"PLEASE? One more?"

I sighed out loud and figured that it was going to eat him up if he didn't get this out. "Go ahead."

"Tell her how you feel, Ken. Not before you know for sure, but then tell her."

"Dude...look, it's not that serious." I said, trying desperately to back myself out of the hole I was digging myself into.

"It IS that serious," He said, taking my hand. "Ken, sometimes you get a feeling inside, you know? Something so strong that it tells you that everything is just right. Sometimes it's right about the one you want to be with...sometimes it's not. But when you really fall in love, don't just treat it like a joke, and don't go thinking you've got all the time in the world. Let her know, because if you don't, you might end up missing out on something really wonderful. You'll be happy, and that's what I want for you." Why was he doing this? He was making this so hard for me to take. I looked at him, not turning away, and my so-called 'gaydar' hit me again, ten times stronger than ever before. It was pushing me forward, telling me to just go for it, telling me that this was my moment and I'd never get another chance at the timing being any more perfect. I could feel the power surge inside of me, and although I was terrified, I was about ready to tell him 'something'. I simply couldn't hold back any longer.

He looked up into my eyes, searching for an answer, ANY answer. And just when I thought my ultimate sign from above had come for me, my emotions clouded it again, and doubt entered my mind. What if it was a trick? What if he didn't mean it like that? What if he told everybody in school? What if? What if? What if? The questions, the doubts, the fears, they all entered my mind and my gaydar was silenced. I buried it deep inside and the feeling that seemed so strong to me, was pushed inwards. I didn't believe it, I didn't WANT to believe it. And I said, "If me and Jessica et married, will you come to our wedding?" Arrrgh! What was I doing? No, no, NO! This isn't right!

"Sure..." He said. "And not only will I be there, but a few minutes before you walk down that aisle....I'm going to give you the best damn blow job of your life!" And he actually giggled a little bit. It was a strange giggle...a girlish giggle. The 6th sense came back with a vengeance, refusing to be ignored no matter how much my common sense fought to keep it down.

"Oh...well that's a shame." I said, shaking from being so nervous.

"That I'm coming to your wedding?"

"No...that I'll have to wait until then to get a blow job from you." I grinned. It was the single most scariest thing I've ever said in my entire life. He had to have heard my voice shaking, it was too hard to hide. But I wanted to try it, just once. I wanted to play his game and see just how deep we can go with it.

"Hehehe, well, you know...we can practice until then." He smiled, putting the ball back in my court.

"Oh sure, we'd have to keep trying until we get it right. Better yet, I could just marry you and we could blow each other for the rest of our lives." It was bold, I know, but we were at a standstill here. Neither one of us wanting to give in to this mental game of 'chicken'. One of us was going to back down sooner or later, and it wasn't going to be me. Not THIS time.

"I'd like that Ken. I'd marry you tomorrow if I could." He said, rubbing my hand and moving closer to me.

"Why tomorrow? Why not tonight?" I said, leaning forward myself. Was this happening? My whole body trembled with a fear unlike any I've ever known. My body was so out of control, and I was constantly moving closer to him, feeling his breath on my face, smelling his sweet aroma. He was moving closer to me too, and I couldn't stop myself, it was like magic. Like I wasn't even in control anymore. My head was spinning and I caught visions of the two of us as 13 year olds again, rolling down that hill, feeling the grass underneath us, our bodies wrapped around each other, our laughter filling our ears and bonding us together for life. And soon, the feelings I had about Brandon were right on the money. This time, instead of ignoring them, second guessing them, or burying them inside...I actually LISTENED to what my gaydar had to say. That pushed out the fear, the doubt, the questions, and when it was done, only my love for Brandon remained.

We didn't say another word, and we leaned forward even more, until our lips were almost touching. And we hesitated for a second while Brandon looked me in the eye. And then he said it! He said, "I love you more than anyone else ever can." And we closed our eyes and his lips met mine. Whoah...fireworks. I was an electric current that passed between us as our lips pushed themselves together tightly in an unbreakable bond. Thoughts of my mom in the other room filled my head, but I never wanted this moment to end, not even to get up and close the door all the way. I could only hope she was asleep, because I didn't intend to stop anytime soon. It was such an incredible moment, a milestone...my first kiss, and it was with someone I really loved. More than life itself.

It was actually kind of scary. A complete mystery to me. Was I doing it right? Was he enjoying it as much as I was? But the longer it lasted, the more comfortable I got with it, and soon the questions were just replaced with instincts. Love showed me the way. For the first time, I was able to reach my hand up to caress his back slightly, and I began to move it up and down little by little. Wow, he felt soooo good to me. Touching his body made me even hotter, compelling to kiss him more forcefully, and I felt my erection grow to its full length. I ran my hand up under his shirt, tickling him a bit and tracing his slender ribs with my fingertips. I could feel his smooth skin grow goosebumps, giving him the most awesome texture. And when I ran my fingers over one of his tiny erect nipples, he moaned into his kiss, and I felt his tongue brush against my lips. I opened my mouth a bit, and it timidly worked its way inside. It was a very strange sensation, having my tongue slide and roll around another boy's tongue, but it was also very sensual. There was an unspoken whisper of love passing between us with that kiss, and it just got better by the minute. My hands went wild under his shirt, and the second he touched me, I almost jumped out of his arms. It was so cool...he was kissing me! Touching me! Loving me! Is this possible! Arrrgh! When I think of all the time I wasted playing guessing games...

My thoughts stopped right there, and my mind went completely blank as his hands nervously came to rest on my hardness, rubbing it lovingly through my pants. I involuntarily jumped and gasped for air quickly, unsure how to take the sudden jolt of pleasure that flew through me. Brandon broke the kiss right away. "What? Too much? Sorry..."

He yanked his hand back, but I grabbed it and placed back in my lap, letting his fingers experiment with hardened length of my cock while I watched with interest. It made my body go numb and extra sensitive at the same time. I felt so complete, and when I looked up into his eyes, I could only caress the side of his smooth face, drawing him in for another kiss. A kiss caused my blood to race as he began to gently push me backwards, ready to climb on top of me.

Just then my mom walked past my room and grabbed something out of the closet right next to my room. We jumped a little and remembered that my door was still halfway open, even though we were partially hidden by the bed. We pretended to watch the movie while she rummaged around outside my door, both of our hearts beating rapidly at the thought of almost being caught. It seemed like she was in that closet forever as we sat there waiting, too terrified to really speak, too anxious to want to wait another minute. Finally she closed the door, and actually came to peek her head in.

"You guys alright?"

"Yeah, just watching the movie." We said at the same time. We were like twins sometimes, especially when we were up to mischief.

"You sure? You two are awfully quiet in here. That's not like you at all."

"Yeah, we're fine." And then she walked back to the living room. A soon as I heard her sit down on the couch, I nervously got up and ran to shut and lock the door. I did it quietly, but my hands were shaking so bad I was sure she heard something. My erection was cramped and trapped in my pants, dying to get out, and it tented out in front of me as I walked. By the time I turned from the door, Brandon was standing up to meet me in the middle of my room. He had turned up the TV just a little bit to let the slow moans and groans of a zombie barbecue and clam bake in the movie drown out the sounds of passion that were itching to spring forth from the two of us. As he stepped towards me, his head tilted to the side, and I gently placed my hand on his slim waist to pull him further forward. Our lips connected again and our tongues met right away. This time it was more intense, more erotic, and as we embraced each other with a gentle hug, Brandon's sweet kisses going down to my neck as I rested my chin on his shoulder, my hands moved down without shame to grab his ass. The same gorgeous teen buttocks that I had gazed at and dreamed about for years was finally in my hands, the soft globes gyrating into me in response to my gentle kneading. We stayed like that for a while, just hugging one another, our hands explore the other's body through tender gropes and touches. Every one of my senses were enhanced a billion times, and my heart finally released all the love and affection that I had been holding back from him for so long. It creeped out of every our, and it was like I could feel my soul being pulled out of my body, trying to become one with Brandon's. Every piece of my life that was ever missing, was filled by his love for me, and vice versa. It was a perfect harmony, and I felt a tear roll down my cheek as the feelings inside got stronger. Unbearably so.

"God Brandon...I love you sooo much. I always have."

"I love you too. I don't ever want to lose you."

I leaned back enough for our eyes to meet for a second before we joined in another kiss, laying back on the bed. I positioned myself on top between his legs, his soft thighs cushioning me, his long arms snaking their way around my waist as mine traveled up to muss his hair as our kissing continued. I ground into him, my body becoming more and more alive with every thrust. Nothing had ever felt so good. I could feel him breathing under me, his body so soft and hot to the touch as pressed our hard cocks into each other hard, attempting to be free of this maddening restriction. I heard him moan softly, and it forced me to do the same, the sounds of our love being mixed in with the sounds on the television. My kissing increased, and I felt him trying to undo my pants. It frightened me a little at first, thinking to myself, "Oh wow, this is it! This is really it! My first time, and it's with Brandon! I hope I don't screw it up! Oh please oh please let me do this right!" It was a big step for me, it had to be perfect. And when the initial nervousness had passed, I reached down to help him, and the emotions took control once again. It was like nothing I've ever even dreamed about. When I felt the pants and underwear slide off of me, down the backs of my thighs, my naked body exposed to him completely without discomfort, I nearly came right then and there. I always thought sex would be more physical, just rubbing something until it shot off. But this was different, this was special, this...was love.

We rolled over enough to let him get on top so that I could do the same for him. He went back to chewing gently on the right side of my neck, tickling me a lot, and yet I was too wrapped up in the moment to laugh. And I looked over his shoulder to see hie smooth cheeks come into view as I pulled his pants over the erotic hump of his butt. Being illuminated by that strange blue glow of the TV, I had never seen anything more beautiful. He kicked his pants the rest of the way off, and there we were, with nothing but our t-shirts and socks on, laying on the bed, his hips rolling on top of me as I pushed up into him, our lips bonded together in yet another passionate kiss. It was incredible. I felt his hands run up under my shirt and then finally move down my belly to grab the shaft of my 6 inches. Feeling him wrap his fingers delicately and give it that initial squeeze was enough to drive me insane. It was the first time it had ever been touched by anyone but me, and I cried out a bit louder than I meant to, over the TV even.

"Shhhhhh...she'll hear us." He whispered seductively in my ear. Then he started to stick his tongue inside as he stroked me lovingly, his hand motions making me tingle from head to toe. I reached down to take a hold of his member too, just wishing that I could give him every single bit of pleasure that he was giving me, and more. It almost became competitive, the better he made me feel, the better I tried to make him feel. Then he would do all he could to top me, and I didn't know what to pay attention to more, the sensations rushing through my young body for the first time ever, or the sensations that I wanted to give back to him ten fold. It was a give and take that kept building in intensity until we were both squirming and moaning uncontrollably in each others arms. We laid side by side, stroking each other faster and faster, our balls bouncing and jiggling madly, our hot breaths mixing between us. We tried to kiss, but we couldn't hold still long enough, and the kiss just made us even hotter. I heard my mom walk past my room again, and I just hope that she wouldn't disturb us, not now, I was sooo close. We quieted our moans a little, but our activity never stopped. Our bodies were glistening with sweat, and my toes curled up as an intense orgasm started to take hold of me. My breath got uneven and short, and I started to curl up into a ball as it approached, throwing one leg over Brandon's. And the closer I came to the moment of truth, the closer Brandon mirrored my feelings. And the danger of my mother being right outside my door, having no idea the things going on inside my room, threw me into a sexual frenzy. We clutched onto each other and our bodies tightened as my tip got painfully sensitive and I felt this incredible energy building in the very pit of my stomach. I needed release, I needed it NOW!

We both pushed our hips out harshly at the same time and looked down wide eyed as our explosive climax shot out of us in thick white streams. We were trying so hard to hold our breaths to keep from screaming, attempting to keep still so that we could remain in each other's arms during our orgasm. But holding back our cries of passion seemed to make our bodies twist and jerk uncontrollably, and the feeling of Brandon's hot cum splashing against my belly only made me shoot more. We covered each other and writhed around in agonizing pleasure. And as soon as the last shots left our bodies, Brandon quickly moved on top of me and kissed me long and hard, grinding into me and squeezing the last few sensitive drops of cum out of the both of us. We sighed, and he collapsed on top of me, just as the movie had come to an end. Almost as if it had been timed to end when we did. I've never been so in love, and as we breathlessly lay in each others arms, I finally felt the wonder and joy that everyone talks about when they're in love. You just never understand the concept of 'forever', until you find someone that you want to spend it with.

We had a whole other movie to watch and we did it before he had to go home. The whole time though, we spent looking into each others eyes and giggling happily. Sometimes we would give each other a quick kiss on the lips or on the cheek, and sometimes just a quick touch on the thigh or the arm. For the whole two hours we just traded glances and smiles, wallowing in our feelings for the first time. Later I decided to walk home with him, and as we strolled down the streets, it was just like old times. We chit chatted here and there, and then finally stood outside of his house. Nervously trying to find a way to end this amazing night together.

"Well...um...thanks...or whatever." He said, giggling shyly.

"No...thank you. Um...I love you. I mean, I REALLY love you. I have for a long time now."

"Me too. You remember that day that we were laying out on the hill? And we were playing around and started rolling down, and we were laughing and everything was just...perfect?"

"Of course I do. That was the day I fell for you." I said, rubbing my hand lightly on his chest.

"Really? You dork!" He said slugging me in the arm. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What was I supposed to say? I didn't know you liked me!" I said smiling.

"Geez Kenny, it's not like I didn't give you enough hints for crying out loud! A monkey could have figured it out!"

"Well...you know how it is. I just wasn't...sure." Then he grinned at me and gave me a big hug.

"Me either I guess. But now that I know..." He leaned closer to whisper in my ear. "...we've got a lot of sex to catch up on." And then he licked my ear lobe and kissed me on the cheek. "G'night"

"G'night dude." And we kept eye contact all the way to his front door. As soon as he went inside I started the long walk back, my mind still reeling with the powerful surges of joy and love in my heart. I felt like the slightest wind could just take me away, and it was wonderful. This was real, so real. My hidden radar was right for a change. I guess what they say is true. Follow your heart, it knows the answers. It's about time my heart decided to share them with the rest of me.