So Weeps the Willow - 9. Sobriety -Day 8

Day 8

Things are getting strange. At work tonight, Nats was acting weird, one minute being her old self, the next giving me the cold, fucking ice-cold, shoulder. My mom called and told me to come pick up the last of my things from her apartment. She was very distant and her voice sounded a little hollow. Eddie was supposed to call me, but didn’t. My dad isn’t answering his phone, which is not like him. This morning when I woke up, I found an empty bucket in my room. I’d never seen it before and don’t know where it came from.

Like I said, things are feeling off.

This makes last night seem a little surreal. Eddie and I got together and talked, really talked. He wants us to date. I agreed without hesitation. Against my better judgment. The whole time, I thought about that night, the other one. Regardless, this is crazy.

Apparently, he can’t get me out of his head. Eddie confessed our time apart has been hell for him. He never stopped loving me. My actions were driving him insane, so he kept his distance. When I’d pick up a guy, it stabbed at his heart. I saw in his eyes how much pain I’d put him through.

God, I feel so bad. How did I not see this? It was going on right before my eyes. Yet, I couldn’t see it.

At the end of our talk, we agreed to take it slow. We’d actually date and get closer again while being careful about the other’s space. Eddie seemed so happy, relieved, and content. I admit, I finally felt it was good decision. I need to turn my back on this drunken debauchery that has gotten me nowhere. It’s not like my other option was going to commit, not to me. No, definitely not.

Then I went to work today and Nats was back to her old self. It was great. We were laughing and joking. She apologized for her ‘bitchy moment’ claiming it was a bad cramp day. I didn’t really believe that, but I thought it was the effort that counted. She was trying.

At first break, I told her about Eddie and me getting back together. She listened intently, nodding occasionally, and finally gave me a hug. Later when we were bussing a table, she gave me the silent treatment, not responding to my comments and questions.

I cornered her a few minutes later, asking what was wrong. She told me it was nothing. She was tired. It had been a long day at the studio and she didn’t feel like talking. That’s not like her. Nats is always talking. Something was off. Then she got a call. I remember her ducking out to take it. We got busy again, but I wondered what it was about. I think I know. That’s why she’s pissed.

After work, she was slipping out the door and I stopped her. She said, ‘Leave me the fuck alone, Jake. I’m tired of your games and your silly queer foolishness. Unlike you, I have aspirations and you have fantasies. You relive stupid fantasies, I’m sick of people like you, who think this is all a game. It’s not.’

Even now I can’t believe her. Does she think Eddie and me making a go of it is a fantasy? Am I nothing to her but a shiny object or a pet? I feel so demeaned, insulted that one of my best friends would turn on me like that. Just like my fucking family.

I left the restaurant and saw I had a voice mail. I listened as my mother told me to get out of her life. She said I should contact ‘your friend Chad and get the rest of your shit’ and not to bother her anymore. She said it was time I lived my own life and stopped trying to manage hers. I’m not even sure what that means. She wanted money from me all the time. Mom was forever calling me and begging me for a ride or a visit or for me to take her out for dinner.

Now she’s cut me out of her life?

I called dad. He didn’t answer so I left a message. Lately, he’s been better and he’d call back within an hour or two. It’s almost one in the morning and nothing. I guess he may be busy with something, however this isn’t like him. My dad is now the reliable one. He doesn’t let me swing in the wind.

And then there’s Eddie. We talked before work. He told me he’d call at ten o’clock and we could get together. He hadn’t called, so I called him. I don’t know what’s going on. This seems odd. This morning, things seemed to be coming together. I had Eddie back in my life. Mom was pissed at me, but that was nothing new. Nats was a good friend I thought I could rely on in spite of some rough patches recently. My dad was my rock.

Now tonight, it seems it’s all fallen apart. I’m feeling scared and alone. I know I promised not to drink, but the urge is so strong. Is gin my only friend now?

Quit it. Jake, you’re becoming as unraveled as during the stupid panic attack earlier this week. I don’t know why I let my nerves get the best of me.

Eddie got busy with something and calling me slipped his mind. After all, our relationship is really new again. Nats is jealous or something. She’ll get over it in due time. Mom’s just upset she lost her place and has to move. Dad’s probably helping her or something.

I need to get a grip.

I’m so glad I started this blog. I’m even happier no one else is reading it. Just getting this into words has helped. The jittery feelings I had before I started writing have eased. My leg stopped twitching. My breathing is steady and stable. I’m going to be okay. Everything will be okay.

I still don’t know about the bucket though. Why was there an empty bucket in my apartment this morning? I didn’t put it there. Weird.

Well, that’s my life. Until tomorrow my dear blog, I will faithfully continue to record my experiment with sobriety.

You know, blog, for the first time in a long time, I feel good. I mean I physically feel good, hopeful, and pretty calm. Thanks for that. Till tomorrow!