Prompts? - 5. Prompt #689

DREAD

“If you die on me, I’ll never forgive you.” Gavin hated the words the minute they left his mouth, but it was too late to take them back.

Aaron didn’t look up from where he was packing. “I’m not going to do this again with you,” he said. “You know I can’t control deployments.”

“You promised once Reagan was born--“

“That I wouldn’t re-enlist, I know. Look, it’s just one more deployment. Then I’ll be done, I promise.”

Gavin turned away in disgust, hoisting their daughter up higher on his hip. Her head rested heavy on his shoulder, and she slumped bonelessly against him in the posture of the deeply asleep. Soon she would be too heavy to hold like this. “Sure you’ll be done. Until you start to miss it, you mean.”

Aaron still didn’t look up but he paused in his slow, methodical packing. “That’s not fair. I’m not asking you to give up on your passions to help take care of Reagan.”

“My passions aren’t going to get me killed.”

“I’m going on a 12-month deployment, not going before a firing squad. There are lot of things that could get me killed. Hell, I could die driving my car to the grocery store.”

“It’s not the same and you know it.”

“I know it’s not the same. But it’s a commitment that I need to fulfill. Like the commitment I made to you when we got married, and that I made to Reagan when we went forward with the surrogacy. I know you feel like I put the military before you and her, that’s why I’m not going to re-enlist. I want to be a good father to Reagan and a good husband to you, but my country comes first.”

Gavin turned away, walking to a window. Fall was just starting to edge over the landscape, stealing sunlight and darkening the leaves in their yard. Their yard. Their lives. That Aaron was abandoning again.

Aaron came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Gavin’s waist, being careful not to jostle Reagan. “You know that I do this because I love you. Because I want you and her to be safe.”

Gavin closed his eyes. He could feel the sting of tears but he wouldn’t let them fall. He needed to be strong for both of them. For all of them. “I know.”

Aaron kissed him on the neck, pressing his lips against Gavin’s jumping pulse which quickened at the sensation of his having his lover pressed up against him. The bastard was trying to distract him, and it was working. Gavin turned around in his lover’s arms, pressing his head against Aaron’s chest. He embraced Aaron with his free arm, fingers gripping his shirt and loving the feel of him, solid, warm and real. Here. Now. And when Aaron angled his head down to kiss him, Gavin returned it eagerly.

Later that night, Aaron deep asleep beside him, Gavin laid awake and stared into the darkness. Part of his insomnia was him straining to hear Reagan’s cries. She had transitioned to a “big kid bed” without much difficulty, but would still sometimes wake up crying from a bad dream and would ask to sleep with him and Aaron. Aaron would usually let her, the big softie. Gavin would let her too, but he would sometimes go in, soothe and comfort her and try to coax her back to sleep in her room.

Another part was the bright panic that skittered across the top of his mind when Aaron was preparing to leave. There was always a sense of urgent apprehension, even though they both made sure to have all their legal, financial and “in case of emergency” ducks in row. It helped, but not very much at night when he had too many hours to think about things.

The panic, at least, he was used to. But here, in the dark, watching his lover sleep beside him, he felt something new.

Dread.

It settled over him like a cloak of unease, shortening each breath and setting heavy on his chest, feeding the panic when it was trying to recede.

Gavin told himself he was being ridiculous. He felt like he was being ridiculous. Why did this deployment make him feel like this? Other deployments had made him feel angry, worried, sad, yes, but none of them settled over him like a dark cloud. Maybe it was because it was Aaron’s last deployment. It had a sound of finality that Gavin didn’t care for at all.

He ached for an empty reassurance, a promise that didn’t need to be fulfilled. Everything will be fine. It’s okay. Everything will work out. I’ll come back home to you.

Except that Aaron never made those kinds of promises, and Gavin knew better than to ask him to.

Too restless to lay still any longer, he got up and went to Reagan’s room. She was fast sleep with her stuffed tiger clutched tightly in her arms. He smiled, pulled the blanket up a little higher and retreated.

He returned to the suffocating dark of their bedroom, slid back in bed beside Aaron.

“’Agan kay?” he heard Aaron mumble, still half asleep. Gavin smiled and pressed a kiss against his shoulder.

“She’s fine baby. Go to sleep.”

The day of Aaron’s deployment, Gavin stood with him, too worried, sad and scared to be anything but stoic. He had left Reagan with her Aunt Linda, not wanting Aaron to have to deal with a cranky toddler right before he left.

Their lovemaking the night prior had been a frenzied, desperate and hungry affair. Gavin still bore marks of it, on his hips, shoulders and neck and he hoped they would linger, deep and sore so he could remember Aaron when he felt their dull ache.

Time was passing too quickly and all too soon, Aaron was hugging him goodbye. Gavin returned the embrace. Aaron’s arms were strong and sure around him and when Aaron released him, he ached with loss.

Gavin forced a smile. “We’ll miss you. Take care of yourself, okay? Be careful.”

“I will.” Aaron lifted Gavin’s hand and gave it a quick, chaste kiss. “Tell Reagan that Papa loves her. And that he loves you too.”

“I will.”

Aaron gave him a grin, the same grin from when they first met, the grin that he fell in love with and that still made his heart race to this day. Then he turned and walked away and was just…gone. Just like that.

Gone.

And all that was left was sorrow, the ache of missing him already… and the dread.

~END~