Nemesis: Loud Like Love - 16. Chapter Sixteen: Purify

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Purify

Nick’s mobile rang. It was Mel.

‘Hey! You ready for Manchester?’

‘Hey, Mel. Course I am.’

He could practically hear her smile. ‘Can’t wait to see you again. And can’t wait to see Placebo! Though I’m guessing I’m not half as excited about it as you are.’

Nick laughed. ‘Probably not. Anything in particular I need to bring, you think?’

‘Clothes? Toothbrush? I hear toothbrushes are good to bring when you’re travelling.’

‘Typically, yes.’ Nick put his favourite Placebo t-shirt in his bag, to wear to the concert. It was an old one he’d found online about three years ago. It had been catastrophically large on him at the time, but he was quite a bit taller now, and not quite as skinny as he had been, so now it was simply comfortably loose. He liked how it looked on him.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t care about how he looked for the concert. For one, there was always the remote possibility that Brian Molko would actually look at him and he would die on the spot, in which case he’d like to leave a beautiful corpse if at all possible. For another, Dave was going to be there.

He wasn’t hoping, not really. Since Matt’s birthday party, he and Dave had gone for coffee twice. It had been nice. They could speak together as friends, and the idea of an hour and a half long train ride alone with Dave did not fill Nick with dread in the way it might have a couple of months ago. Their relationship had progressed into a tentative friendship, one which Nick was happy to pursue further. He had given up on more, though he still thought about it, and seeing Dave always filled him with a thrill that made his heart race and ache, all at once.

‘Well, I guess I have everything I need, then. Really excited!’

‘Me too.’ Mel was silent for a moment. ‘Hey . . . are you sure you’re okay with staying at my parents’ house with Dave there? It won’t feel awkward for you?’

Her concern was touching, and Nick smiled. ‘Probably, but it’ll be fine. You’ll be there too.’

‘I will,’ she said. ‘Okay. I should go. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Yup. See you then!’

Nick went through his mental checklist one more time. He should have everything he needed now, so he closed his bag and sat down on the bed. He was filled with nervous excitement. Even though Dave and Mel had bought the tickets nearly a year ago, when the tour dates were announced, it still didn’t seem quite real. He had wanted to see them for what felt like his whole life, and now he would. He wanted to be there early. He wanted to be all the way in the front. If he could do that, could be that close, he thought he could die happy.

* * *

The train from Birmingham New Street to Manchester Piccadilly took exactly one hour and twenty-eight minutes, during which time Nick talked non-stop about the concert. Dave could tell he was nervous. It was adorable. Dave felt a pang of sadness to think of what this trip could have been like if all the things that had happened, hadn’t. If he and Nick were still together, they’d be holding hands right now.

Mellie greeted them at the station, giving them both long hugs, but Nick the longest.

‘I can’t believe I haven’t seen you in, what, a year? How is that a thing?’

Nick laughed. ‘It’s good to see you too.’

They took the bus to Uncle Clive’s house. As a diplomat, he did well for himself, and he hadn’t exactly been poor before either. He and Dave’s mother had had a blessed upbringing. The house was quite grand.

Nick was shown to the guest room, while Dave was to stay with Mellie in her room, which was just across the hall. They spent the afternoon swapping stories. Mostly, it was Mellie and Nick catching up. Dave was glad to listen.

Before they left, Uncle Clive gave Dave the spare keys, just in case they were needed for something. Nick wanted to leave early, so they could queue up. The doors wouldn’t open for another four hours, but they were not the first to get there.

‘Some of these people have likely been camping out since this morning,’ said Nick. He looked a bit sad.

‘It’s a big venue, Nick,’ said Mellie, patting him on the shoulder. ‘We’ll still get a good place.’

‘You guys hungry?’ asked Dave. ‘Thought I might do a McDonald’s run or something. We’re gonna be here for a while, after all.’

‘Yes please!’ Mellie grinned. ‘Nuggets for me, please. And a Fanta.’

Nick shook his head. ‘Not really hungry.’

Dave shrugged. ‘Suit yourself.’ He got Nick a Big Mac anyway.

They did find a good place to stand. Slightly to the left, nearly all the way in the front. And when the warm-up act started, somehow they managed to get all the way up to the fence.

Dave did a bar run between the acts. Getting back through the crowd proved nearly impossible, though somehow he managed to find them again, and passed out the beer in plastic pint glasses. Nick drank his quicker than he ought to have, thought Dave, but it was just one beer. Nick was positively shaking at this point, glancing nervously about him, just waiting. Dave wanted to hold him.

‘Are you excited? I’m excited!’ Mellie was practically bouncing. ‘God, I haven’t been to a proper gig in so long. I can’t wait for them to come on!’

Dave grinned. ‘It’ll be epic. Right, Nick?’ Nick just nodded. He looked a bit queasy, and without thinking, Dave put his hand on Nick’s shoulder, gently massaging it. ‘Hey. You okay?’

Nick licked his lips. ‘Yeah. I’m fine, just . . . nervous.’

‘It’ll be great.’ Dave smiled in what he hoped was an encouraging manner. ‘Just breathe. And when they come out on that stage, you’ll forget all about it.’ He laughed softly. ‘You know, it’s funny. It’s like you’re more nervous about seeing Placebo than you are when you go on stage yourself.’

Nick’s lips quirked up at the edges. ‘Oh, I get just as nervous. I really do. I just . . . convert it. Nervousness to energy. You know?’

And then, after what seemed like forever, there they were. The room went dark, stage lights went up, and then the music began. There was a surge of bodies as people drew as close to the stage as they could. Mellie and Nick stood in front, Dave slightly behind, and he found himself pressed up against Nick. Nick hardly seemed to notice.

It was an epic performance, and Dave loved it, but it was superseded by having Nick so close, the look on his face, the way he nearly cried when it started. His voice as he sang along to all the songs. And the way he had automatically grabbed Dave’s hand when the band had come on. Now, he was dancing, jumping, singing, cheering. He appeared ecstatic, and he was absolutely beautiful.

Nick swayed his hips in time with the music. He threw his head back, stared up at the stage, at the band that he had loved more than anything for years. His arse looked insanely good in his skinny jeans. His t-shirt, loose at the collar, showed off some of the pale skin between his shoulders. Through the thin fabric, Dave could see the contour of his shoulder blade. It was so hot, almost as hot as seeing him on stage. And Dave loved him. God, did he ever love him in that moment, the fierce beauty of him. The earnest look of adoration on his face as he stared up at the man who had been his greatest inspiration. His slender arms, stretched up in the air as he cheered and clapped between songs.

The crowd pressed Dave closer yet, so he had no choice but to put an arm around Nick and hold onto the fence so he wouldn’t fall. Being so close, pressed together like this, while Nick was happier than Dave had ever seen him, made his heart ache with longing. Longing to hold him, kiss the nape of his neck, run his hand through his hair, which, he noticed now, smelled so good. He still used the same shampoo. Same deodorant, too.

Nick turned his face towards him, eyes glittering, laughing with sheer, unadulterated joy. Dave took in his features; the shape of his nose, the arch of his eyebrows, the cupid’s bow of his lips. And, high on the music and the atmosphere and the scent of Nick’s hair, he couldn’t help himself anymore, couldn’t understand how he had even held back until now. He crashed his lips against Nick’s, and it was as if the whole world just exploded.

* * *

Nick felt like he might float away. He was looking up at the stage in wonder, where his idol, his first celebrity crush, the most amazing musician he knew of, stood playing his Gretsch Duo Jet and singing, giving his all to them, his audience. This was what Nick aspired to be, except he knew he could never be this beautiful or this perfect

Dave’s presence grounded him. Having him so close kept Nick’s feet planted firmly on the sticky floor. The press of the crowd forced them together, and it was almost as if the past year had never happened, as if they were here together, not just as friends but as lovers. Nick had never in his life felt as happy as he did right at that moment. Then he turned to look at Dave, and Dave looked him straight in the eye, and kissed him.

Nick let out a soft yelp of surprise. Dave’s mouth was so hot, lips as full and soft as Nick remembered. Nick closed his eyes and parted his lips, hoping, begging for Dave’s tongue, and his wish was granted. Dave tasted of lager beer, bittersweet. His kiss felt like heaven. Like coming home. Like belonging. Nick hadn’t felt like he belonged in a long time. When he had lied, he had felt like an intruder, like a thief, stealing brief moments of happiness. And afterwards, he had felt unwelcome even with his friends, even at home with his family, even in his own skin.

He turned his whole body as best he could in the crowd, and put his arms around Dave’s waist, pulling him closer, marvelling at the feel of his firm body pressed up against his own like this. His warmth, his scent. That sweet scent that was uniquely Dave, ever present through soap or sweat, always there, underneath it all. Nick whimpered softly. At this distance, Dave must have heard it, and made to pull away, but Nick pulled him closer, kissing him deeper, never, ever wanting to let go again.

The song ended, and Nick reluctantly broke the kiss, so he could applaud and cheer. As he turned back towards the stage, he felt Dave’s arms slip around his middle and his chin come to rest on his shoulder, and they stayed like that for the remainder of the concert. If Mel had seen them kiss, she made no indication of it.

When it was over, Nick wanted to buy merch, but it was so crowded and the queue was ridiculous.

‘Can’t you just buy it online?’ asked Mel, combing her fingers through his sweaty hair affectionately.

‘Yeah, but it’s not the same . . .’

‘Then we’ll wait,’ said Dave. ‘Right, Mels?’

‘But I’m knackered!’ she complained, pouting.

‘Well, go home, then,’ Dave told her. ‘We’ll follow in a bit.’

She looked uncertain. ‘You sure?’

‘Yeah, I have the spare key and everything. Just text me when you get there so we don’t have to worry about you, all right?’

Mel seemed to consider it for a moment, and finally said, ‘Fine. I’ll see you guys at home. Or, in the morning, I guess.’

They queued up, and Nick found himself waxing lyrical about the concert, about how he had felt seeing Brian Molko on the stage, how he had been practically unable to breathe when they first walked on. He knew he was probably being annoying, but Dave took it in stride. He didn’t laugh at him, but simply stood there, smiling.

Nick bought a tour hoodie, and an interesting looking t-shirt he hadn’t seen before, and then they left. They didn’t talk about the kiss, and they didn’t hold hands, or touch at all. They were mostly silent, but it didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable at all.

* * *

When they arrived at Mel’s house, it was dark and quiet, and Dave unlocked the door as noiselessly as he could. They made their way up the stairs to their respective bedrooms, and stopped in the corridor, looking at each other. Nick looked like he was about to say something, but he didn’t.

‘Well,’ Dave whispered, quietly. He didn’t want to wake anyone, though he wasn’t sure why that was so important to him. ‘Night.’ He made to turn away and enter Mellie’s room, but then Nick reached out and grabbed his wrist.

They stood frozen for a moment, eyes locked. Nick swallowed. ‘Thanks for tonight,’ he murmured.

Without thinking, without a plan, Dave took a step towards him. He licked his lips, and closed the distance between them, lightly brushing his fingers along the side of Nick’s neck. He stayed like that, face mere inches away from Nick’s, knowing that if he took that final step, there would be no turning back. Nick made the decision for him, raised his chin, and met Dave’s lips with his own.

Dave drew a sharp breath through his nose, and before he even knew what he was doing, he was pushing Nick backwards, towards the door to the guest room. Nick reached behind him, fumbling for the door handle. The door opened and they stumbled inside, still kissing. Dave came up for air long enough to close the door as quietly as he could. Then he returned his lips to Nick’s.

They fell down onto the bed in the dark, Dave nibbling gently at Nick’s neck and pushing up his t-shirt, hands roaming over Nick’s skin, skin that he hadn’t touched in too long, and judging by Nick’s reaction, hadn’t been touched in a while either. Nick struggled to get Dave’s shirt off him as well, and Dave helped him, needing to feel Nick’s warm skin against his own.

Dave pulled Nick’s t-shirt all the way off him and ran his tongue along his collarbone to the hollow of his throat. He licked and kissed a trail down to Nick’s nipple, which he scraped his teeth over, and Nick bit his tongue to avoid crying out. Instead he whimpered softly and grasped at Dave’s hair. Through his trousers, Dave could feel how hard he was.

Dave undid Nick’s jeans, pushing them down off his hips along with his pants, and went down on him. Nick bit his own fist to prevent his voice from carrying, and breathed heavily through his nose. He already seemed fit to burst, and pulled at Dave’s hair, hissing, ‘Wait! I’m gonna—fuck! If you don’t stop I’ll come!’

They looked at each other. Dave made no move to stop. Instead, he swallowed him down deeper, sucking and licking, and Nick came hard in his mouth with a soft groan. Clearly he’d been quite pent up, and he covered his face with his hands in embarrassment.

Dave removed his own jeans and pants and then he kissed Nick again, his hard-on digging into Nick’s hip. He caressed Nick’s entire body with his fingertips, as though he could memorise every patch of skin. Nick was so sensitive and responsive, already becoming hard again. Yeah, he’d definitely been pent up.

Nick reached for Dave, to touch him, but Dave stopped him. ‘No,’ he whispered. ‘There’s no need. Just let me do this.’ He kissed him again. Then he said, ‘Do you have a condom?’

Nick nodded. ‘Front pocket of my bag.’

There was no lube, so they made do with spit. Thankfully, Nick was soft and pliant after his orgasm, and opening him up was easy. Being inside Nick again felt like dying and coming to life all at once, and Dave bit into his lover’s shoulder to keep himself quiet. It was so hard to do when he had wanted this for so long, had dreamed of it, had wished for it, and now it was happening. It felt at once new and familiar, comforting and exciting. Nick dug his fingernails into Dave’s back, holding on for dear life, until Dave came, and then finished Nick off a second time with his hand.

Afterwards, they lay under the covers, facing each other. Nick caressed Dave’s face, running his fingertips up his jaw, across his cheek and forehead, down the length of his nose. When he dragged his thumb along Dave’s bottom lip, Dave kissed it. He took Nick’s hand and held it to his chest.

‘This was a really bad idea. Wasn’t it?’ he murmured.

Nick smiled, blinking slowly. ‘Yeah. Probably.’

‘We can’t—’

‘No, I know. I don’t . . . expect anything more.’ The look on Nick’s face was somehow both happy and sad all at once. This night was full of contradictions. ‘Do you regret it?’

Dave shook his head. ‘No. Not a bit of it.’ He meant it.

Nick kissed him gently, and then they both drifted off to sleep.