Goofus and Gallant - 1. Goofus and Gallant

Goofus staggered in late, yet again, to Mr. Foley’s class, disrupting the class discussion with a clang of the door and a muttered apology. He was making his way to the back of the classroom, to his seat, when Mr. Foley decided to put him on the spot.

“Late again, Goofus?” Mr. Foley said in his characteristically tight, controlled voice. Normally Mr. Foley was pretty chill, but Goofus had been late to class four times this week alone, and the teacher had had enough. Goofus slunk down into his seat a nodded slightly, letting his eyes wander down to his desk, hoping that Mr. Foley would just leave him alone. “Would you like to explain what you were doing, that caused you to be late?”

Fuck you, Mr. Foley, Goofus thought. He knew that the grey-haired man knew that he couldn’t give him any acceptable response. In fact, he didn’t really trust himself to speak, because his high was just now wearing off. He shook his head, in part to answer the teacher, and in part to keep his focus at the task at hand. He cleared his throat, “Uhh...no, Mr. Foley. I can’t.”

“Well, you realize this will be another detention, right? If you can’t give me an acceptable excuse, then you’ve forced my hands with your negligence, son.”

Goofus just continued to look at his desk. Mr. Foley sighed and was about to launch back into his lesson, when a blonde, freckled boy in the front spoke up. Smiling with impossibly white teeth, he said, “Mr. Foley, Goofus was simply trying to find my lunch bag; I thought I had left it in the gym but I guess not.” He turned around. “Right, Goofus?”

Taken aback by this deft bailout, Goofus was nonplussed. Finally, he said, “Uh, yeah, that was it. Sorry, Gallant, I didn’t find it.”

Gallant’s gleaming smile turned towards him. “That’s quite alright, Goofus. I’ll find it, I’m sure.”

Mr. Foley quickly accepted Gallant’s side of the story, and moved on with his lesson. After this little diversion was over, and Gallant had turned around, Goofus sat in a stupor. His high was totally gone now, and he was trying to decipher why Gallant, the so-called epitome of good breeding, had bailed him out. Goofus didn’t really know Gallant all that well – all he knew was what he saw: a amiable kid, who always had his homework done, consistently got A’s on his quizzes, always smiled, and never seemed to lie or get in trouble. But, why would he help out Goofus?

Goofus looked down at himself, suddenly very self conscious. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a blue, slightly rumpled jacket he got from Walmart. He had to think, but he was pretty sure that he had a solid 19% in the class. He sighed in frustration, and ran a hand through his thick, gratuitous brown curls.

When Mr. Foley asked, near the end of class, that the homework be turned in, Goofus watched intently at Gallant and he opened his red backpack to get out a folder with ‘Biology’ neatly printed on the front. Goofus opened his own sack -- which was really just a Nike drawstring bag -- and pull out a crumpled, half finished sheet of paper. He hadn’t remembered really completing it -- he’d been super high at the time -- but he passed it up anyway.

When the bell rang, Goofus gathered his bag and exited the classroom, and nearly ran into Gallant in the hallway.

“Oh, sorry,” Gallant graciously said, moving out of the way.

The brown haired teen looked at him, smiled slightly, and said, “Nah, man, it’s fine.” He debated whether to ask, then decided it was alright. “So, uh, what was that, in there?”

Gallant’s ears turned a bright shade of red, which Goofus found adorable. “I knew that this was your fourth tardy, so I gave you some help. I figured you didn’t want another detention.”

Goofus seemed confused. “But why? I mean, no one ever really does anything, for me, you know? You didn’t have to do that, I’ve had detentions before,” he finished, laughing slightly.

“It was really no problem,” Gallant said, starting to walk to his next class. Goofus walked along with him. “What did you get on that worksheet?”

Goofus blushed in shame. “I, uh, I didn’t finished it. I don’t even think the first few problems I did were right.”

Gallant looked aghast. “But...what grade do you have in the class? I never see you turn anything in.”

Goofus was silent for a few seconds, debating whether to tell his new acquaintance. He decided he probably should. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “The last time I checked I had something like a 19%, or something.”

Gallant stopped short in the middle of the hallway and just kind of looked at Goofus. Then, suddenly, he set his book bag on the ground and ripped off a small piece of paper from one of his notebooks. As he scribbled something on it, he said, “I’m giving you my number.” He held it out, in which Goofus took it in near disbelief. “You’re coming over on tonight so I can help you with your biology homework.”

“I -- I --” Goofus stuttered, but Gallant cut him off.

“No excuses, Goofus,” Gallant said, smirking. “You need some help.”

*      *      *

Goofus arrived at a neatly mowed craftsman style house on the nice side of town about 10 minutes after he was supposed to be there. It wasn’t his fault this time -- he hadn’t even smoked, he guessed to spare having to explain the smell to Gallant, but his car was acting up on the way over. He’d worked his ass off at the store he had worked at to buy the thing, but he’d had trouble saving his money, and he hadn’t had the sense to look around before buying the piece of junk.

He stood awkwardly on the porch of the home after ringing the doorbell, and was soon greeted with a woman that could have either been 35 or 60. She effused vigor and gracefulness, and readily ushered Goofus into the living room. She explained her name was Dianne, and Gallant would be down in a few seconds.

“Hey, Goofus!” Gallant nearly gushed as he bounded down the stairs that were near the kitchen. Dianne left back to the kitchen, and Gallant waved Goofus upstairs. Upon entering his room, Goofus noticed how clean it was. Neat, too. The bed was neatly made, and the desk, along with a slim Apple desktop computer, was arranged with an ample amount of pencils, pens, and a dictionary.

Goofus sat precariously in Gallant’s bed, not wanting to mess it up. The desk, which was opposite the bed, was close enough that when Gallant sat himself in the rolling chair, they were about four or five feet from one another.

“Do you have the assignment from today?” Gallant asked as he retrieved a pencil from his desk. Goofus nodded and pulled out a wadded up paper, and handed it over. Gallant frowned at the sight but said nothing. Gallant rolled his desk chair back to where Goofus was and started to explain the assignment. Goofus tried to follow along as best as he could, but kept getting distracted.

Soon enough, Gallant’s words went in through one ear and out the other as Goofus focused on Gallant’s golden hair. The more Gallant talked, and the more time Goofus sat near him, he couldn’t help but feel his body heat and get distracted by his pale blue eyes and freckles. He kept looking away, because he was literally losing himself every time they made eye contact. He was so focused on trying not to be obviously attracted to Gallant that he didn’t hear the blonde haired boy the first three times he called Goofus’ name.

“Goofus!” Gallant said emphatically, to which Goofus snapped to attention.

“Huh?” He eloquently said, snapping back to reality. He noticed Gallant looked a bit exasperated.

“I said, your paper is finished. Mom’s calling us down for supper.”

Supper? Goofus was confused. “Wait, I’m staying for dinner?”

Gallant laughed. “Of course! It wouldn’t be polite if I didn’t invite you.” He paused. “I kinda want you to stay though.”

Goofus didn’t really know the manner in which the phrase was meant, but conceded nonetheless. “Sure.”

Gallant looked elated. “C’mon, let’s go wash up.”

Goofus was a bit out of his element, since at home he really wasn’t expected to do much of anything, but he did everything that Gallant did. That included washing up, and setting the table.

Goofus found Gallant’s mother, Dianne, a excellent host, and Gallant’s father, Beauregard, a cheerful and thoughtful man. Beauregard -- tall, with broad shoulders and a slim waist -- was the epitome of fitness. With dirty-blonde hair greying at the temples, and tortoiseshell glasses, he seemed like the ultimate family-man.

“So I hear you’re struggling a bit with Biology, Goofus,” Beauregard said kindly after they’d all set down, passing the mashed potatoes. Goofus accepted the bowl and plopped a healthy amount on his plate and passed it on to Gallant.

“Yes, uh, sir, I am.” He looked over at Gallant, “I’m very glad that Gallant invited me over. I really am.”

“Well, that’s good, son,” Beauregard continued. “You know, when I was your age, I flunked out of physics. I hated the course. But I studied hard -- and I’ll never forget this -- I ended up with a 83 percent. Mr. Tanner bumped up the grade from a 79 -- which was failing at my school -- to an 83. And so I passed.” He smiled at Dianne. “You’ll never regret being nice, son.”

Gallant nodded eagerly in agreement.

Once dinner was finished, Goofus helped Gallant wash the dishes and put them away. He was thinking about taking his leave, but then Gallant said, “Would you like to stay, and maybe hang out a bit? I have an Xbox in the bonus room. We could play that.”

So that’s how Goofus ended up sitting dangerously close to Gallant on the floor of the bonus room, playing and bantering with one another. Gallant wasn’t as much of a goody-two-shoes as how Goofus had heard some other kids talk about him; he was, well, adorable. And cute. And he was constantly making Goofus blush.

“Thanks for letting me come over,” Goofus said quietly, as they were searching for a new game to play a little while later. Gallant noticed the reserved tone in his voice; it was something new that he hadn’t heard before.

“You’re welcome, Goofus. It was really fine. I wanted to help you.”

“I know, you said that. But...why? I mean, I see you, with your perfect life, and your perfect friends, and your perfect grades, and then I look at me. Who am I to hang out with the likes of you? I’m a clumsy nobody. The friends I have are losers. Hell, I’m a loser.”

Gallant just looked at him, a frown falling over his features. Putting the game he had pick up down, and strode back across the room to stand in front of Goofus. Suddenly, he sat down, cross-legged, across from Goofus and looked his square in the eyes. With a timbre in his voice Goofus had never heard, Gallant said, “You’re not a loser, Goofus.”

Goofus snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“No, Goofus, not ‘yeah, right,’” Gallant said sternly, putting his hands on Goofus’ own crossed legs. “I’m not perfect. But you’re not a loser, ok? You can be a bit aloof sometimes, and can get distracted...a lot. But you’re nowhere near being a loser.”

Goofus was silent.

Gallant sighed. “Fine, you want proof?” Gallant suddenly cupped Goofus’ face and leaned in for a gentle kiss on the lips.

Goofus wouldn’t have been any more surprised if he had woken up with his head sewn to the carpet. Eventually, though, he relaxed into the kiss. When they parted, they both smiled wildly.

“Do you believe me now?” Gallant said softly, gazing into Goofus’ eyes. Gallant couldn’t escape Goofus’ childlike temperament, when he really got him out of his shell. The mop of brown, curly hair was shiny and invited him to run his hands through it; Goofus’ dimples were irresistible.

“I...yeah, I do, Gallant,” Goofus said, his dimples making an appearance. “I do.”

Gallant blushed and looked down in embarrassment. He looked as if we were debating to say something. “I -- uh -- would you want to be -- that is, uh, do you want --”

Goofus melted and smiled even wider. He leaned in and pecked Gallant lightly on the lips again.

“I would love to your boyfriend, Gallant,” he said, laughing lightly. He leaned in and put his forehead against Gallant’s. “How could I say no?”