Jessie-101: Online Celebrity - 27. Chapter 27 - What If?

Jesse and I stuffed ourselves with as much pizza as we could before asking for a duo of ‘to go' boxes so we could split what was left. He was right...Cheesey Pete's pizza actually was pretty damn good. I'm definitely marking that place as a dating destination for later on. It would be cool for me and Jesse to sort of make it ‘our place', you know?

Jesse held the door open for me as we stepped outside, the quiet coolness of the evening air washing over us...a giant contrast to the bright lights and noisy chaos going on inside. It was refreshing.

"Hold up. Selfie time." Jesse giggled, taking his phone out and holding it up as he leaned back to stand beside me, cheek to cheek. He took one picture, then a second, and he kissed me on the cheek for the third. "Sexy."

We shared another silent gaze with one another, and with an unspoken permission, both asked for and given...Jesse gently took a hold of my hand in order to walk me back to the bus stop. The sensations that he could envelop me with, simply by touching my hand, were like nothing I've ever experienced before. A symphony of angels seemed to sing our praises from the sky above every time we exchanged a smile. An artistic array of goosebumps covering my arms and shoulders every time a random breeze lifted his light blond hair, every time his lips parted in a bashful smile, every time he looked at me with the kind of love and importance that I almost felt ashamed for accepting from a boy so worthy of something more. I just...

...I have trouble immersing myself in this fairy tale sometimes. It feels so awkward to be a prince for a day.

The twenty minute walk seemed to race by this time. My brain was almost numb through half of our playful chatter...still focused on the feel of Jesse's soft skin holding my hand. I often wonder how many details I've missed since being able to interact with him like this. The rest of the internet has got to be jealous! Hehehe! And why shouldn't they be? They really are missing out here.

"Still, you've gotta admit that I crushed you in air hockey, though! That was an unchallenged win. So there." Jesse grinned.

"Ok. I'll give you that. Three games in a row." I said. "Hehehe, but that's not entirely fair, though. Anything sports related is outside the realm of my sissy talent database, I'm afraid."

"I don't know if I would consider air hockey a sport, Tristan."

"It's got ‘hockey' in the title. That's sports enough to throw me off. Trust me." I giggled.

But...Jesse's snickers died down a little bit, and he gave my hand a little tug to get me to face him as we stopped walking for a moment. "You're not a sissy, you know? I don't think so."

Blushing, I said, "It's just an expression. That's all."

"Good." He replied. "Because you're not. I like you exactly like you are. You're pretty to me."

Another surge of feel good vibes rushed through me when he said that. Wow. "Ummm...cool. I'm glad." What? I didn't have any social training that would allow me to answer a compliment of that magnitude.

"It's true. You're just...sweet, and soft, and...totally scrumptious..."

"Hahaha! You make me sound like I belong in a bakery window." I said, Jesse's cute laugh ringing out as he gave my hand another squeeze. "You're losing me here."

"Am I? Hehehe, that sounded so much more romantic in my head. But...you get what I'm saying though, right?"

Our eyes connected, my legs weakening with a swoon. "I think I get the gist of it." I smiled.

"Cool." He whispered. "I try, but something about you just causes all of my swagger to collapse. I'll try to get better at this, but for now..."

I suddenly lurched forward and kissed Jesse on the lips. It was brief and unexpected, but the urge to do it was so automatic that I didn't have time to filter it through a simple process of adolescent impulse control.

Jesse's eyes sprung open, his jaw dropping slightly. I smirked at his expression, and said, "Sorry. I couldn't help myself." Borrowing one of his sly moves.

"Well played, sir..." He grinned. "Well, played indeed."

At that moment, I noticed Jesse looking over my shoulder to see the bus coming down the street. It was still blocks away, but so was the bus stop. Jesse and I looked at one another with a smile, and decided to make a break for it!

Never once letting go of my hand, Jesse took off running with me trailing just a step or two behind him. We began laughing maniacally as we raced down the block, hoping to reach the corner before the bus could pass right by us. "C'mon! We can make it! Hahaha!" Jesse cackled.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" I shouted back.

"That's what SHE said!"

"Hahaha!!! Don't make me laugh!"

"We're almost there!"

We were running as fast as we could, but he never let go of my hand. And I never let go of his. Something about it just energized us both. I swear, every moment that I spend with my new boyfriend is SUCHa friggin' adventure! Hahaha!

We reached the bus stop just as it began to slow down to a stop, and we both held our chests...gasping for breath. I don't recommend trying to run and laugh at the same time. It's so counterproductive. The door opened, and Jesse stepped aside to let me get on first before jumping in behind me. I'm sure the bus driver couldn't figure out what we were snickering so wildly about, but he hardly seemed to care. The bus was half empty, but Jesse and I made our way to the back and practically snuggled up in a cozy little corner by the window. It just...it felt good. Everything about this felt right. Even with Jesse holding my hand and looking into my eyes with a smile that was certainly more intimate than anything I ever would have been comfortable entertaining in the past...I found myself getting used to the idea of being...'different'. Or, to put it another way...

...I was getting used to the idea of not feeling any different at all.

It was an odd sensation at first. Letting go of the paranoia. Not feeling the need to see who was watching or worry about what they were thinking. After all the drama I went through, being too afraid to approach Jason Fixx in school and sucking him off in secret whenever he came calling, or trying to hide my interests from my mom, or ducking and dodging Scotty Lynch's boyish crush every afternoon...this felt like such a liberating twist of fate. I hadn't realized it before, but I think I was harboring some weird level of guilt or shame just for being the way I am. Sure, I denied it every time the thought crossed my mind that I might be too abnormal for my own good, and that life was going to probably punish me for it by keeping me forever scared, forever alone...but...Jesse made it better. With a cute smile, a wink, a gentle flip of his blond hair...or the simple act of holding my hand in public...he made it all ok. He finally allowed me to feel like I belonged somewhere outside of the closet. I had to wonder if it was possible to feel like this all the time. I can't even imagine that. It always seemed too good to be true before now.

Having him so close to me was like magic. We were trying to have a simple conversation, but everything causes us to smile and giggle when we're together. Literally, everything. Two or three words shared between us, and there we were...holding back laughter again. His thumb softly ran back and forth over my knuckles, giving me a warm, erotic, chill as we maintained an intimate contact. My heart was racing, but it didn't make me want to run and hide like it used to. I think I kind of liked being so ‘affected' by him like this.

A brief silence fell between us.

Jesse gazed into my eyes, and we shared a simultaneous blush before I snickered and was forced to look away from him.

"Hehehe, what?" He asked. "What'd I do?"

"Nothing."

"You sure?" He grinned.

"Hehehe...uh huh..." I said, trying to find the courage to get our eye contact back.

We stared at one another for a bit more, a silent expression of love passing through us, and I felt myself getting hard as the gentle slide of his thumb on my hand increased. He was sooooo beautiful. So sweet. And...briefly looking down at our matching bracelets...he was ‘totally mine'.

I was drawn forward. Just a little bit. I was going to kiss him right then and there, but sort of chickened out at the last second, choosing to lay my head on his shoulder instead. It's not that I was afraid to start kissing him, I was just afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop.

It was then that I felt Jesse's lips lightly give me a peck on the forehead, and he leaned his head over to rest on my own. The closeness we shared was unimaginably satisfying. I actually heard myself sigh out loud as I melted into him, and that's when I felt his lips on me again. This time I raised my head a bit, and I leaned in to softly kiss Jesse on the lips. I felt like I just needed a taste. Just a taste, you know?

Our eyes locked on to one another again...but this time, the boyish giggles were gone. There was something more passionate about our contact this time. It was like our gentle breathing had found a way to sync up, our heartbeats doing the same. And I leaned in again, this time, just rub my nose against his cheek. Jesse gave my hand a squeeze, and we let our faces touch for a few minutes. The scent of him was so intoxicating. A honey blond fragrance that matched his sweet personality perfectly. Then we silently rubbed our noses together, falling into temptation once again as our lips went back for another quick taste. Then another. And maybe one or two more for good measure.

Jesse's lips were made for kissing boys. I'm sure of it. There's no way that the angels above could have designed them for any other purpose at all. They were too efficient when it came to sending my spirit soaring above the clouds.

Little kisses turned into extended expression of helpless infatuation. Jesse and I scooted closer together, both of us now fully erect, which was thankfully much easier to hide while sitting down than it ever could be standing up. I swear, with all honesty, that it was never my intention to just start wildly making out with my boyfriend on that bus...but Jesse's sensual kiss was an addiction that I couldn't break. Just that one taste caused me to relapse back into a state of total dependence on his affection again. Soon, there was no need to stop at a sweet peck on the lips anymore. Our lips connected with the softest of collisions, and simply stayed glued together as we closed our eyes and cut ourselves off from all of the many distractions the world could possibly throw at us in that one special moment. I mean, let's be honest here...what could be more important than that kiss? Than his touch? Than the horny tingles causing me to tremble this way? Close your eyes, block it all out, and fully enjoy this one kiss for everything it is. Everything it was meant to be.

I've never been so in love.

I scooted even closer to him again, and now our tongues began to yearn for another chance to be reunited. Jesse led the way, prompting me to join him, and he let go of my hand to reach up and softly caress my cheek. My empty hand missed his warmth, and it reached out to rest gently on the flat of his stomach. Our hands began to get a little anxious, now sliding and touching each other's bodies all over, our kissing increasing with a hunger as we completely forgot that there were other people on that bus with us. I knew they were there...and I had a few pinches of conscience telling me that we might be putting on a bit of a ‘show' for any passengers that accidentally glanced behind them to see us sucking face like this...but I couldn't stop myself. Hehehe, it's like...I kept telling myself that I'd wait a couple more seconds and then I'd force myself to behave. But Jesse's hand would give me just the right touch, rub, or poke...or his hair would sweep across my cheek, or an almost inaudible moan would escape him...and I'd have to postpone my restrictions for another few seconds. Oh God, the taste of him. This boy drives me absolutely crazy! How did I live without this level of joy before? HOW???

Ok...ok, I should stop. I should...like...I should really...

Omigod, his tongue tastes so GOOD, though! Arrrghhh!!! Five more seconds! Five...four...three...

He's touching my cheek again. His fingers are so soft. He knows just how to make me shiver.

Ok...TEN seconds! This feels too good to stop now. Hehehe, what can I say? He's so HOT!

I think the bus had come to a stop at a red light, and I opened one eye to see where we were, just in case Jesse was going to end up missing his stop. It was then that I noticed a little boy that was about five or six rows ahead of us, who had almost turned himself around completely in his seat and was watching us with the quirkiest little grin on his face. He was only eight or nine years old, tops...and a woman that looked like it was probably his grandmother was sitting right next to him...giving us the old ‘stink eye' for being so brazen with our affection in front of everybody.

Yikes! Ok...so for a kid that young, this might come off as being a bit obscene. Well, in my mind, anyway. He seemed to be totally fascinated by it! Hehehe, but that may be ‘age inappropriate' for public transportation, so that helped me to snap out me out of my naughty love spell.

I saw him before Jesse did, so when I put my hands on his shoulders and leaned back from his kiss, he was confused. "What? What's the matter?" I wasn't trying to draw too much more attention to us, but I shifted my eyes with a subtle nod in their direction to let him know what was going on. "Oh..."

My blush deepened, and as the angry woman stared us down, I quietly said, "Sorry, Ma'am..."

"I'm not." Jesse giggled playfully.

I gripped Jesse's knee and gave it a tight squeeze to shut him up. "We're both sorry. Honestly." And with that, she turned around in a huff, making sure her grandson was forced to face forward as well. I know he wanted to watch us some more, but...sorry, kid. Show's over. For now, anyway. Anything else will have to be pay per view.

Jesse and I giggled at one another and just tried to ride out our embarrassment for losing control for the rest of the ride. Just imagine what we could have gotten up to if we had been alone.

Sighhhh...we really need to find more opportunities to be alone.

The bus came to his stop, and Jesse gave me two or three more desperate kisses before forcing himself to untangle himself from me and get off the bus. But, just before leaving, he said, "Text me and let me know you got home safe, k?"

"I will. Promise."

"Ok..." Then, after a split second pause, almost as if he was shy about saying the words aloud...Jesse says, "G'night, Tristan. I love you."

I was almost too shocked to say anything at first. But I forced a response to the surface before he had to leave me behind. "I love you back!" I grinned, and Jesse clasped both of his hands over his heart in the most adorable way possible, before waving goodbye and hopping off and beginning his walk home.

I slumped down in my bus seat, giggling softly to myself, feeling a tidal wave of happy vibrations wash over me until I was completely swept off of my feet. Love. Actual, real, textbook, love. I wiggled and squirmed for a minute or two...the little boy in front peeking back at me before his grandmother screwed his head around to face the front window again. Hehehe, don't worry, kid...you'll understand someday. You'll get it when the time is right.

By the time I got home, I felt almost faint. My body was honestly exhausted from the biological chaos that I had been feeling since our date began. Dizzy with a love that quickly devouring me alive, I walked into the house massaging my cheeks to soothe the cramping muscles that had kept me smiling nonsensically for the last few hours on end. My mom was warming up some water in the microwave to have one of her evening cups of tea, and she must have noticed my goofy grin, because she matched it with one of her own.

"Well, somebody, looks like they had a good time tonight." She said.

"Yeah, actually...I did." I said. Then after a short pause, I said, "A really good time." I don't know why I felt the need to add that, but something inside of me just wanted to gauge her reaction. I mean...'what if?' Right?

Noticing a slight ‘change' in the way I talked about my recent outings with my new friend, she asked, "So, this was that Jesse boy that you always speak so highly of?" Adding, "Your new friend?"

Is this the beginning of a monumental conversation between me and my mom? Maybe not yet...but it's definitely one of the baby steps that are leading in that direction. "Yeah." I said, a nervous quiver in my voice. I almost wanted to tell her. The words weren't quite on the tip of my tongue yet, but they were definitely in the back of my throat. I began to wonder what would happen if I just came right out and said it. What if I just came clean? Right now. No more shame. No more denial of guilt. No more secrets. No more sideways conversations or having my mom bring home corny clinical statistics about gay youth in America. What if...I could just be me? Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week...without the need to make apologies to anybody for it. What if? "I like him, Mom. Jesse, I mean. I'm thinking that maybe...we'll be hanging out a lot more. He's...a lot of fun."

Uh oh! My mom started to get all misty eyed on me and she tried to smile, but it looked like a really painful method of hiding her tears of joy! "That's really sweet, honey..."

No no no!!! Parent getting mushy! Abort mission!

"Ok! Well, see you later! Thanks, Mom!" I said, and I high tailed it out of that kitchen as fast as humanly possible! I didn't mean to start any waterworks here, I was just testing the waters. Geez! Parents want to do everything so fast! If it was up to her, I'd be racing from baby steps to full blown horse gallops in a matter of seconds! Leave me alone! Let me...process all of this on my own first. Then, maybe we'll talk some more. Until then...let's leave it at a couple of new friends that plan to hang out a lot more together in the future. That should be enough, right?

Geez...she was really going to cry, wasn't she? Hehehe!