The Sound of Starting Over - 7. Chapter 7

I take a drag off the joint I bought from that idiot skater kid Jared at school, I was right I knew he had weed on him. I have no idea where I am going, I just know I couldn’t stay in that house another second, I couldn’t be in the same fucking room or proximity as Chandler, him and his stupid glasses and freckles, and that serious look when I am clowning around. I hate when he gives me that concerned look and how his puffy lips pout. FUCK why am I thinking about his lips? I know this isn’t premium-grade weed cause the fucking thoughts are still going.

All the neighborhoods look the same, it’s fucking confusing. A car pulls up to the curb ahead of me, and a passenger gets out. Fuck its Hank I throw the joint into the yard by me. “Come to tell me I am a fuck up?” I ask approaching him as he takes a seat on the curb.

I approach, knowing he’s going to smell the stench of weed. I sit next to him, setting my bag down. “A wild night huh?”

I look at him sideways trying to understand the game he is playing, “yeah, if only we could rewind back to about three hours ago.”

He laughs, “ah, if life only had a redo button for everything. Would you change things?”

I shrug, “I think so before I got so fucked with life.”

“I wouldn’t. I love how my life turned out. I have an amazing wife, three beautiful sons who I love.”

This takes a moment to register, because he only has two…he’s counting me as his son? What the fuck, “You mean two sons?” I ask no malice or sarcasm.

He looks at me, and I can tell he is tired. “No, I meant three. You aren’t a fuck-up Landon, and yes, I count you as one of mine. I may not be your biological father, but I think I can love you like one.”

“How much trouble am I in?” I ask.

“For what? Running off? We all have done it, besides you didn’t get that far.”

“How did you find me?”

He points to my pocket, “You didn’t think Helen would not have tracking on the phones?”

I roll my eyes I should have figured that. “What about Chandler?”

“He’s with your mother and Liam. I decided to come after you. When did you find out that he was being abused?”

I think about this and what is going to happen before I say anything, I already figure Chandler hates me so might as well. “Just abused? You have no idea what condition that kid lives in. There were burned spoons of the coffee table, he has a bed and a dresser in his room. No food in sight, I found needles in the bathroom. I randomly saw the bruising last night his shirt lifted, and he is pale so you could easily see the bruise.”

“Why didn’t you tell me today?”

I shift uncomfortably, “I promised I wouldn’t. The only reason it all came about was a disagreement he and I had this evening.”

Hank doesn’t say anything for a little bit, and I get an uneasy feeling in my gut. I probably just ruined all the trust we had. “Is there anything else I need to know?” He asks.

I shake my head, “as in absolutely need to know?”

“Yes.” He says looking directly at me.

I can hear Chandler’s voice in my head urging me to tell him everything about Texas. “No, I don’t think there is.” I finally say.

Hank stares at me for a long while, I really hope he doesn’t see that I am lying to him. “If you are 100% sure, then let's get going to the house.”

“Well, he’s gay.” I spit out.

Hanks brow furrows, ‘Who is?”

“Chandler,” I say. I instantly regret it, but I don’t want the focus on me.

“Okay, is that why his foster parents abused him?”

I shrug, “I don’t know to be honest.” I say standing up with him.

Hank rubs his chin, “Landon, why do I have this feeling that you outed Chandler to distract the focus from being on you?”

“I..I don’t know what you mean,” I avoid eye contact at all costs.

Hank pulls me into a hug, and I don’t do anything at first, “Landon, son. I don’t know what went on in Texas, but it had to be something big to hold you back as much as it is. I don’t know what you need to hear to let your guard down, just know I will be here.”

“Fuck you, Hank!” I yell my voice cracking and I start crying I try to push him away and he just pulls me closer to him. “Fuck you.” I sob into his chest. He doesn’t say anything to me he just holds me, as I sob. I don’t even think I know the last time anyone held me like this and just let me cry my emotions out. I finally find myself able to talk. “I’m sorry, I just I am so fucked up beyond repair. You shouldn’t care about me…I don’t deserve it.”

He pulls me in tighter, “son, you aren’t fucked up beyond repair. No one is, you deserve to be happy. I know things were hard for you, you may have not gotten the attention you needed or the love you deserved but given the chance I will show you that. You just have to stop acting like you don’t deserve it.”

“I can’t…I don’t deserve it.” I repeat.

“Who told you that?” Hank asks and it’s such a simple question, but it breaks me.

***

“I think I am in love with you,” I say looking over at Mrs. H.

She laughs, “you are silly.”

“No, I do!”

The smile disappears from her face, and she gets out of bed wrapping a robe around her body. “You don’t deserve to be loved. You are a stupid dirty boy, I don’t know what gave you the right to think you could tell me you love me. Do you not appreciate everything I have taught you? Are you trying to fuck up the only thing you are good at?”

“I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

She slaps me hard across the face, “Stop acting like a child! You want to act like a man and tell someone you love them then take it back? Have I not taught you anything!”

“Yes, Ma’am,” I say.

“For this, you won’t get to finish for a week. No touching yourself, and you will only touch me, even then no touching yourself. Now get up and out. My husband will be home soon, money is on the table boy.”

****

“I can’t talk about it,” I mumble.

“Okay, but we will have to talk about this soon. Let’s get home.”

*Chandler*

Helen’s cold hand touches my back and it makes me squirm. Liam is standing in front of me, I refuse to look him in the eyes. I feel sick to my stomach and feel dizzy I reach out to balance myself on Liam’s shoulder. He pulls me into a hug, and I lay my head on his shoulder. “Chandler, is this all from these people?”

“Yeah,” I tell her.

“This burn looks like it’s still raw. When did this happen?”

I squeeze my eyes shut as she applies the cream to it, “the other day. I forgot to get a cup from the living room.”

She gently presses against the bruised ribs, and I let out a hiss. “I’m sorry sweetie I know they hurt, when is the last time you ate?”

“three days ago.” I hiss out.

“What happened to the money I gave you?” She asks as she takes more pictures.

“They took it, said I stole it.”

She gently turns me around, “we need to call the cops baby.”

“Can we please call them in the morning? I…I can’t handle more tonight. Please?”

She nods, “Okay, but that is the first thing we are doing. You aren’t going to try and runoff in the middle of the night, are you?”

I can’t lie and say I didn’t think about it, but to tell you the truth I am so exhausted. “No, ma’am.”

Mrs. G, pulls me into a hug, “Chandler we will figure this out I promise okay?”

I nod, “I just don’t want to lose the family.”

“You’re not gonna lose us, man. Mom and Dad will figure it out dude, you just have to trust them,” Liam says putting his hand on my bare shoulder.

I just nod, they both tell me goodnight and close the door. I decide for the first time in a long time I will just sleep in my boxers. Sliding my jeans off I slip under the covers and turn the lamp on. I don’t realize how exhausted I am until I start to doze off. My eyes snap open at the light tapping on the door. It slowly opens and Landon appears in the doorway.

I sit up in bed making sure the comforter is covering my bottom half, I would feel weird if he saw me in nothing but my boxers. “Jesus Christ, Landon. What the fuck do you want?” I ask harshly.

He slips into the room and closes the door, “I guess I deserve that. Chan. I’m sorry okay.”

I hate the look he has on his face giving me those puppy dog eyes. “It’s been a long day, I’m exhausted I just want to go to bed Landon.”

“That’s why I came in here….”

“What?”

He puts his hands up as if he is surrendering, “I…wanted to know if I could sleep with you….I mean lay with you…I mean fuck like we did last night.” He says rushed.

I don’t say anything I just look at him confused, he’s telling me that he wants to sleep with me as in like cuddle with me cause that’s pretty much what he did last night. I’m not complaining because it was nice to have someone near me. I am also really emotional right now and I don’t know if I can deal with him.

He heaves a heavy sigh, “never mind, it was fucking dumb of me to ask I’m stupid. I will leave you alone, I am sorry about outing you that wasn’t okay. I am not sorry however that they found out about the abuse.” He turns his back to me and reaches for the door.

“You can sleep with me.” I blurt out. I have no idea why, but the way he sighed it was like he got the worst news.

“Really?”

“Yeah, you can,” I tell him.

He strips his shirt off and slides his jeans off. I try not to stare at him, but I can’t help it his natural muscles are just there and the way the boxer briefs fit on him. I blush and look away as he makes his way over to me. He gets into the bed and scoots closer to me turning on his side, so his back is facing me. He reaches and turns off the lamp, I lay back down. I am hyper-aware of the heat coming off him. He starts trembling, I reach out and touch his shoulder. “Landon, what’s wrong.”

“You probably hate me, and I don’t blame you. I fuck up everything. I won’t blame you if you don’t want to talk to me again. I just I am jealous of how much they all love you. I never had that love.” He says gasping for a breath of air between his sobs.

I do something that could really backfire. I wrap my arm around him and pull him to my chest, and he starts sobbing harder. “Landon, they do want to love you. You just have to let them.”

“I don’t deserve it! I will never deserve it I am too much of a fuck up.”

“yes, you do!” I say still holding him.

“She told me, I don’t deserve it! I lost my best friend because he caught me with his mom, I fucked up my friendships because I wanted to be touched lovingly, and they didn’t fucking love me! No one really fucking loves me!” he says almost hysterically.

I just pull him tightly to my chest trying to give him as much of a safety net as I can. I want to dig into what he is saying, but I don’t want to push him. Especially since he is being vulnerable with me. “Landon, you do deserve love. You are lovable and you aren’t fucked up beyond repair.”

He turns around facing me, and he leans in crushing his lips against mine. I don’t kiss him back, I am shocked at the sudden kiss. I finally kiss him back, his soft lips against mine, his mouth opens and his tongue pushes against mine lips, opening my mouth I let his tongue fight with mine. I finally pull back, and his eyes snap open in shock. “Was I that bad?”

“Landon why? You’re straight.” I say.

He tries to get out of bed, but I grab his arm, and he falls back down to the mattress. “I’m sorry. I just…...I don’t know why I did that.”

“You are lying. You knew exactly what you were doing.” I press.

He runs his hands over his face, “I couldn’t fucking get you out of my fucking head!” He says loudly.

I put my hand on his chest, “just relax with my Landon.”

“It’s fucking confusing, and I don’t know why!” He says getting worked up again.

I take his hand in mine, “Landon, it’s fine! Stop getting worked up over this. The bigger question is are you attracted to me?”

“I’m not gay!” He says.

I can’t help but laugh, “You don’t have to be gay to be attracted to another guy. Did you enjoy the kiss?”

He looks into my eyes as if trying to see if I am playing a joke on him. “I’m scared if I say yes what it’ll mean.”

I snake my arm around the back of his head and bring his forehead to mine. “You can enjoy things, Landon. It doesn’t make you selfish at all. I don’t think we need to get into the specifics of what your sexuality is or isn’t okay? It’s been a long fucking day, I am exhausted physically and mentally.”

I let go of the back of his head, I can see how scared he is it’s also radiating off him. He nods his head and leans in to kiss me one more time. “Goodnight.”

To say I got any amount of sleep would be a lie. I didn’t even have my medication to help me. I wasn’t going to stay the night here before it all went down. I laid in bed all night with my arms around a boy who is possibly just as fucked up as me. Honestly, I have no idea what my life is at this moment. All I know is that it felt good to hold him to my chest, but with how unpredictable he is I am not looking forward to him waking up.

Which he is starting to stir. He breaks free of my arms and walks to the bathroom, he doesn’t even close the door. Granted I can’t see him, but I can hear him peeing. I was trying not to laugh because it seemed like he was never going to stop peeing, finally, I hear him flush the toilet and wash his hands. This made me laugh that he washed his hands.

He makes his way out of the bathroom, and he looks amazing in his boxer briefs. His eyes catch me watching him and he blushes. Landon blushed! He slides back under the covers and presses his cold hands into my chest. “Stop! They are freezing!”

He laughs, “did I wake you?”

I shake my head, “I didn’t really sleep.”

His brow furrows, “You didn’t sleep at all? Why?”

“Always have issues sleeping, and I guess just with all the craziness of yesterday and whatever today is going to bring wouldn’t let me sleep at all.”

“You look like shit.” He says as he snuggles closer to me.

“Thanks, Landon.” I deadpan.

“Sorry, that was a dick thing to say. Um…did you…was I…um…. was I a good kisser?” he finally spits out.

I look at him and he has this worried look on and it’s so adorable since I have met him I have never seen him actually look like he cares about anything. “You were alright,” I say trying not to laugh.

“Oh…” he says, and I can tell that this killed his ego.

“Landon, the kiss was good. It was also my first kiss.” I admit to him.

“I should get up and go shower.” He says and starts to pull away from me.

Fuck, I knew this was going to happen. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, “We aren’t going to talk about last night?”

“There isn’t anything to talk about. We kissed. I’m not gay.” He says with no emotion.

I grab his arm as he tries to leave the bed, and he turns around first in the air. I let go and recoil, “I’m sorry, please don’t hit me.”

“I wouldn’t hit you, it’s just a reaction. I’m sorry, I should gotta go.” He stammers getting out of the bed and pulling his shorts on.

I can’t help but start to cry, this is my fault. I shouldn’t have teased him when he was being open with me. This is just like me to screw up everything. I need a shower, maybe it will help me calm down. I make my way into the bathroom and look at the purple and yellow bruises they look nasty. I turn to look at my back and run a hand over my shoulder where a scar from a cigarette scar was. I could see three more burn marks, and old belt whips that broke the skin.

****

*Landon*

I don’t even see Liam when I run smack into him. I give him a dirty look, “you okay man?” he asks.

“The fuck do you care, just get out of my way.” I spit out and brush past him.

Liam grabs my arm and shoves me against the wall, I don’t even have time to react because I wasn’t expecting this from him. “Stop being such a dick, Landon! You know what this has been a fucking challenge for EVERYONE in this house, not just you. Did you ever fucking stop to think about that? I get it, man, your whole life has been uprooted and you have been thrown into a house with four strangers three you don’t know at all and one you barely know. We are all trying Landon, I know I am Jake is my Dad is so excited you’re here somehow you and he connected over coffee for some unknown reason. You are such an asshole to everyone else in this house. It’s not cool I have gone out of my way to be accommodating to you, and my fucking best friend was outed because of you then it came to light that he’s being horribly abused. He has done nothing but try and be nice to you as well. I understand you and Helen have some shit to work out but the fact you won't face it is your problem. If you are dealing with shit that we have no idea about then speak up about it but stop being an asshole because you have to be here. We have to be here with you!”

Our eyes lock, and I am the first to break the contact. I don’t even know what to say, I know he is right. I didn’t stop to think about how this was hard on everyone else. I know I outed Chandler, and I feel like an asshole. I just hope that Chandler doesn’t tell him we kissed. He lets steps back and walks down the hall to Chandlers room.

I don’t go back to my room instead I hear Hank and Helen in the kitchen. I don’t even try to fight the stinging or tears that are starting. Everything that Liam said was true, I have been such a dick to everyone here and they don’t deserve it at all. Maybe Chandler is right, I need to tell someone about all the shit I have done. I walk into the kitchen and Jake is sitting eating breakfast Helen is leaning on the counter eating. When she spots me and sees that I am crying she stands up, and I stop.

I take a deep breath, and my voice cracks as I go to talk. “Hank…can…I…can we t-talk?” I finally sputter out.

I look to the ground not wanting to make eye contact. I don’t want to see the look on Helen’s face. “Jake why don’t we go check on Chandler.” She says.

Jake agrees and hops off the stool, I stand there as he passes me. Helen stops as walking as she nears me. I look up at her, and I don’t see judgment or disappointment. She pulls me to her and kisses the top of my head. “I love you, baby.” I hug her back, and I can feel her breath a sigh of relief. “I am going to go check on Chandler, but if you want, or need to talk just let me know.”

I just nod my head, not trusting my voice to speak at this point. I start the walk towards Hank, “What’s up buddy?”

I don’t know what causes me to walk to him and crash into his body and hug him, I feel his arms wrap around me. “I’m so fucked up Hank, and I can’t keep this inside me anymore.”

“You’re safe buddy, let's go to my office and talk.”