Forget to Remember - 7. Chapter 7

Jesus I'm a freak show. It's like I've forgotten everything I've learned since beginning my recovery. I'm cringing at how petty and malicious my voice sounds right now. Owen says hello? What, I'm a jealous teenage cheerleader pouting at the football player? This isn't who I want to be. With a sinking heart, I hazard a glance at Kell's face, to see if I should even bother to make amends. Hell, not sure if I would bother were the shoe on the other foot. His thundercloud face is not encouraging.

“Owen? What...how do you…. wait. Who do you even think you are?”

Hoooo, I'm not sure what I expected my snarky quip to produce, but what I'm getting is six foot and change of irritated cop. Okay then, it's time for me to decide what the hell I'm doing.

“I guess. I guess right now I'm a bit of a bitch.” I pull all my self-confidence to the forefront and look into Kell's face. I see anger and confusion, which isn't a surprise. I certainly don't see any hint of attraction or even friendliness, which is also not a surprise, sadly. Dammit, for someone who claims to want connections as much as I do, I sure can sabotage my chances in leaps and bounds.

The cafe soundtrack of acoustic guitars and conversations ebb and flow around us as I watch Kell's face work through several expressions before he settles on a frown. He shakes his head and his stormy eyes close. I hunch my shoulders and try to wrap my hurt and anger around me like a blanket, to protect me from wanting him, but being close to him is so hard.

What am I doing? I mean, besides being a loser, making myself sad, mourning at all the waste at my shitty choice making, and moaning at the way things have happened both in my control and out of it. I'm anxiety and bad decisions in a man sized package. I feel my throat start to get tight, and while this isn't the place or the time to cry it looks like my body has no fucks to give.

“Well. Fuck Joshy. I wasn't expecting such an honest answer.” Kells' aggravation smacks me in the chest as we stare at each other, obviously both unsure what to do or say next.

“As charming as this episode of the gay themed Maury show is, could y'all move your tushes? I have a line.” Jonathan sneers at us as he flips his little hands in a shooing motion. I bite my lip and hastily move away from his small line of people, some of whom are avidly watching us while fellow line holders stare blankly at their phone screens. Kells turns to make his way back to his seat.

I step toward and stumble to a stop, trapped uncomfortably on the verge of movement. Feeling the weight of every dumb choice and word I've spoken presses down onto my sternum until I struggle to keep my breathing even. Since walking farther has been abandoned, I try to force my eyes up to meet his but find myself darting glances around the walls, floors and anywhere else to hide my feelings from him just a few moments longer. I watch him settle into the chair across the room from me, the cheap wood of the table with coffee rings on the surface a physical reminder of the damage I feel between us.

I can't take it. I turn and rush from the shop, hearing his exclamation behind me but I don't stop. I can't. I can't take being the weak and bitter person I just morphed into like the world's ugliest version of a butterfly. I stop shaking only when I'm sitting in my car but I feel the tears starting. Tears over losing Kells, over my lack of confidence, over never being right in the way so many other people find their rightness. What the fuck was wrong with me anyway?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. I try to remind myself of how I am worthy and even if I make mistakes I can still be make amends and move on. I never want to sink back into that inky pool of self hate again. After some deep breaths I go to start my car, when a sharp rap on my window has me jumping and screeching like I'm in a horror movie. I'd probably be the first to die if it were, oh no wait the second person. The first is always the one who has sex, so I'd be safe.

I turn to the window but the lizard brain in my head already knows who it is and is screeching out run-away-now commands. I cringe and hope desperately for it not to be Kells. It is though. Of course it is. His propensity of witnessing my most negative qualities never fails. His sexy Viking eyebrows are drawn down in displeasure and he makes the universal crank down signal for me to lower my window. Which against my (and my lizard brains) better judgement I promptly do. I need to set things right.

“So, what's this about—” he begins, only to be interrupted by me.

“Kells I'm sorry. You don't owe me a thing and you don't deserve me being snarky just because—” I pause as my voice raises in octave, and try to get my bearings and slow my breathing the way Naomi coached me, “—just because I feel hurt and embarrassed. Please accept my apology.”

I stare at the coffee still clutched in my shaking hands then drink in tasteless gulps. His possible reply squeezing at my heart. Fuck this being a well-adjusted adult shit. I should have been faster, squealed tires leaving the area before he came out here to see me shrivel with humiliation.

“Josh. Ok. Sure. But you don't have to—” Kells began but I rushed to talk over him.

“Yes, I do. I do need to apologize and I need to be open. Being scared to talk or ask leads me into assuming, which then gives me poor choices. I'm learning to change that.”

I hear my now hoarse voice take on a robotic quality as I parrot the ideas I've learned. Ugh I am the least attractive person that has ever existed. Plus, sexy bonus I sound like I'm unhinged and I know it. I swallow down the mouthful of fear spit collecting under my tongue and raise my eyes to his.

“Kells, I'm sorry things didn't go anywhere with us, but I'm glad you were there that day. I'm trying to make myself be ok with just that.” My heart twists in my chest, but I dammit am done with being so frigging scared and being shy and not giving my all for myself. I can't keep running away.

Kells looks hesitant as he tips his head and chooses his words.

“Josh I just feel like everything was such a whirlwind. And I don't wanna sound like a dick but— are you ok? I mean yeah, I was scared and freaked out. That had a lot to do with me and my issues at the club. But I didn't say it and it seemed like things just ramped out of control.”

Kells speaks slowly in a quiet somber voice, which my anxiety immediately pegs as a reflection of him not wanting to speak to me, until the calmer brain takes control and reminds me that this studly man chased after me when I lost my shit in the middle of a coffee shop. This whole ridiculously implausible situation was taking place with him crouched next to my door while I sat in a car just off the main drag.

I'm not running away. I need to face whatever this is or was. I am strong. I am worthy I chanted in my mind as I gathered the strength to look into his eyes.

“That's a fair assessment,” I murmur, twisting my lips into a grimace. “I was out of control, but you should know it didn't have to do with you, not really. It was my hurts and a life's worth of anxiety just spilling over like an overfilled pitcher.”

Ok maybe the rejection didn't help but I know now where I started to slide and I wasn't going to pin that on him.

Kells nods, and we continue to look at one another, silently. It should feel awful and awkward, and at first it does. We are having this awkward conversation outside, while I sit in my car and he crouches, leaning on my window. God his thighs must be powerful. But as we sit and just breathe together, both of us glancing at each other and sipping drinks, it starts to feel different. More relaxed and calm. Well, to me at least. I have no idea how Kells is feeling and I know I would have to ask. One thing I've learned in the past few months is my constant anxiety is a crap barometer of reality. I'm gearing up to ask him what he's thinking when his voice startles me out of my silent self-affirmations.

“So, what now Joshy?”

What now indeed. I look over at him, and an uncertain smile lays across his lips, and his pointed stare seems almost challenging. It makes me giggle with ghostlike softness.

“I don't know. What um…. what do you want?” I say, my voice trailing off in an embarrassed hush.

“I want to stand up. Talk with me?" Kells shoots me a lopsided smile and backs away from the car door, giving me a look that I can't interpret. "Please Josh, let me talk to you.” Kells softly pleads. And his brow furrows as he clearly debates what to say next. “I won't lie Joshy. I still think you're pretty and sweet, but that whole scenario of coming in to see you almost dead is pretty off putting. What if—"

What if what? What if I'm not worth it? What if I get overwhelmed and try to hurt myself? What if we just called the whole thing off? What? I realize with a sinking heart after all these thoughts swirl around me it's probably all of them, but I need to know. I find myself lurching out of my car and leaning against the door I snap closed behind me.

“What if what Kells?” I force myself to keep breathing even when every instinct I have is to hold my breath and pretend this isn't happening.

“What if we like each other? What if we don't? I don't want to be someone that hurts you. Again. I think there has been enough hurt here.” Kells sounds sincere, at least I think so.

“I hope you aren't someone that hurts me. But something I've learned is that just because something scares you doesn't mean it will happen. Or that things can't change. I'm not going to say I'm glad I drank myself into taking a bottle of pills but I am glad I survived to know what I know now.”

It feels almost as if a stranger is using my mouth to speak. I'm saying what Naomi has been working with me on for weeks now, but for the first time I am hearing truth in my voice when I say them. It's so unlike the old me. It's a disconcerting feeling to say the least.

Kells just nods, mouth set into a thin line and he stares at a cracked piece of sidewalk. I feel like there is a bubble in my chest, words coming up from the depths of my very self and trying to set themselves free out of me. He opens his mouth to speak and turns his face away slightly.

“Josh I can't begin to tell you what makes me feel like we are so connected. Like, I don't want to never see you again. I've thought about you so often the last few months. But I can't just shake off my fears that I'll hurt you badly enough to get you into a dark space again. I don't want to be that guy who is an asshole and causes someone else to just give up. I'm scared I will be. Scared I already am,” Kells turns his face back to me and I see his indecision haunting his skin.

Moments from the last six months flit through my musings like sparrows. I feel so much older than I did just last year, and not in all good ways. It aches to think of some of those times. How would I be living without them though? All of it was me: happy, growing, anxious, flawed, scared. I was reeling from the notion that I was both more in control of my life than I ever have been before while I also felt so lonely and out of control. It was more than slightly terrifying to imagine trying to navigate this whole whatever it was with Kells. Still. I had to say my piece.

“Kells. I don't know what you're feeling but let me tell you what I do know. I know I've made a lot of hurtful choices before, and I was hurting from them for a while. The thought of being around you makes me feel both safe and scared to death. I kind of want to run from that,” I sigh as I speak my doubts out loud. My eyes catch Kells shifting restlessly from left to right. He seems ready to interrupt me so I plow on. “But above any of that Kells. I'm scared because you make me forget who I was before. I was needy and I was thinking of how I wasn't enough and how things were never going to go right. But you know what?” I stop and look Kells in the eye until he responds

“What Josh?” his face is riddled with worry and hope.

“You make me forget to remember that. You make me forget that I was scared to make connections. You make me forget that I didn't want to chance getting hurt again,” my body feels like it's on fire, the words themselves taking on flames as I speak. My voices shakes when I manage to get out "You make me forget I'm sure I can't do this".

Kells steps close, laying his hand on my arm. It's just enough to ground me, not overwhelm me. I can hear the unsteadiness in his breathing as he works to respond to me. I've never felt so exposed and no amount of therapy will make this feel good to me. But I can focus on him and not my fear.

“I want you to believe Joshy. Believe in yourself. I don't want you to forget to remember how brave you are. And that even if we started like a bad cable tv movie, you make me believe in second chances. And if you want to, I'd like one.” Kells lifts his hand and offers it to me as those storm cloud eyes look deep into mine.

I'm filled with doubts, fears and I'm fairly confident I will mess this up in a dozen different ways. But it's really hard to remember why I should run from him, from this.

And so I take his hand.