String - 9. Awkward

The weeks passed quickly from Danny’s birthday party to Easter in April. In what was a surprise to absolutely no one, Danny and Lydia broke up. Danny’s other break ups had been low key. Kayla just quietly dumped him after he’d offended her in the hot tub, but they were still friends. Britney just decided she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but she and Danny were still friends. But Lydia… She didn’t just dump him. No, it was far worse than that.

Their relationship began to turn sour after his birthday. Apparently, talking about not caring whether or not he stayed with Lydia after graduation didn’t sit well with her. Can’t really blame her for getting angry about that. If she was under the impression Danny wanted something other than what she was expecting, well, I’m in no position to judge that. The break up came soon after that. That’s when the rumors started that Danny was bisexual. The whispers grew into conversations. We could never prove it was Lydia behind it, but we knew it was her. Kayla defended him to anyone who would listen. She’d dumped him for being too grabby. Didn’t matter. Anytime someone asked me I swore we’d never done anything together. Didn’t matter. Lydia was a very popular and influential girl. The rumors then turned into insults.

“Hey Danielle? You going to take Spanish next year? You can be bilingual too!”

“Hey look, it’s Danny and Jake. Bi one, gay one free!”

“What percentage of gay do you think you are?”

“Come on admit it. You’re really gay right?”

Danny was crushed. Every day he could count on somebody saying something like that to him.

“You know what the worst part is?” Danny admitted to me one day after school. “The worst part is they might be right. I think I really am bi.”

“That’s not so bad is it?” I said. “You are who you are.”

“You wouldn’t understand. For you, there’s a moment where you figure out who you are and you’ve kind of embraced it. For me… There’s always a question mark where a period should be. I feel like there’s no destination for me to arrive at. Is a woman going to want to marry someone who finds guys attractive too?”

“I’m sure there’ll be someone out there who understands.”

“Sure. You know, in some ways, Lydia kinda did me a favor. I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me that I could get turned on just as easily by guys or girls, and why I burned through three girlfriends in a year. It kind of makes sense to me now.”

That Friday afternoon as I was walking through the hallway on the way to the bathroom, I happened to run into Lydia coming the other direction. I could tell I was the last person she wanted to see.

“Look, Jake,” she said. “I know you’re mad, but I didn’t out Danny.”

“You’ve got a lot of nerve, Lydia. You were our leader. We all respected you and you’d go and feed Danny to the wolves like that?”

“He admitted his feelings for you to me. He told me the things you’d done together. I told him I could have understood if I was up against another woman, but I don’t know how to compete against someone with a penis. I had no choice but to move on. I don’t think he was all that concerned about it anyway. Our relationship was just about sex anyway.”

“So why’d you tell people he’s bi?” I asked.

“Justin asked me why I dumped Danny. I told him I couldn’t give him what he wanted. Justin asked if he was doing gay stuff with you and I said ‘Not exactly.’ That was it, I swear! Everything was out of my hands at that point. I like Danny. I didn’t want to hurt him. I told people he wasn’t gay and that just seemed to make it worse.”

“So why didn’t you out me then?”

“Why would I do that?”

“The stuff I did with Danny.”

“Jake, you did that stuff before he was with me. It’s none of my business what you are. Besides, it’s not a big secret you’re gay. Justin’s known since last year. No one cares.”

“No, I suppose not,” I said.

“And trust me, this stuff with Danny will get old too, and people will move on.”

“We’ll see, won’t we? Okay, I’m going to go kill Justin now.”

I cornered Justin in the band room before jazz band.

“I told one person I thought Danny was bi. I didn’t think it was a capital crime! I didn’t think it would be all over school!”

“Who’d you tell?” I asked.

“I just told Nick Jenkins,” Justin admitted.

“Oh Christ, Justin! Nick Jenkins is who you tell a secret to if you want the whole school to know! Nick is how we all found out there wasn’t a Santa Claus in second grade!”

“I didn’t know! All I know is, he asked me if Lydia was available to date since he’d heard she’d broken up with Danny and I made a joke that he might have a shot at both of them since Danny might be a switch hitter. It was just a stupid joke! If I’d known he was going to tell the whole school…”

“Oh shut up!” I snapped.

I was having a hard time concentrating after that conversation. I had to stand there and play trombone next to a rat fink. Mr. Reilly could tell something was off and spent most of our practice destroying me. When practice was over, he looked ready to cancel the whole program.

“Well, that was terrible,” he said. “Congratulations. You set jazz music back by about seventy years today. Finnegan, Rossi… I want to see you in my office. Everyone else, get out.”

Danny and I followed Mr. Reilly to his office. He opened the door and told us to go inside, then he slammed the door after him. He sat down at his desk and looked at us. I thought for sure he was going to slaughter us.

“Rossi,” he said. “What in the heck is going on. What’s with these rumors going around the school about you?” he asked. “Are you okay? Do you need help?”

Danny and I looked at each other in disbelief.

“No, Mr. Reilly,” Danny said. “It’s just a big misunderstanding.”

“Are you being harassed? Did Lydia start these rumors?”

I interrupted Danny before he could speak. “No, sir,” I said.

“Then what happened?”

I explained to Mr. Reilly and Danny what I’d learned from Lydia and Justin. Mr. Reilly looked ready to murder some people.

“Justin…” Mr. Reilly said, steaming. “Well Finnegan, are you willing to tell all this to Mr. Taylor?”

“Absolutely,” I said.

“No!” Danny insisted.

“What do you mean, no?” I replied.

“No. I don’t want this to go any further. I don’t care what people say about me. I’m proud to be who I am.”

“You don’t have to put up with harassment,” Mr. Reilly said.

“It’ll get old and people will move on in a couple of weeks. I can put up with it until then. You really want to help me, Mr. Reilly?” Danny asked.

“Of course!” Mr. Reilly said.

“Okay… Sponsor the new LGBTQ Alliance.”

“I wasn’t aware there was one,” Mr. Reilly said.

“There wasn’t, until today.”

Mr. Reilly smiled. “The last time this school had an LGBTQ Alliance, the teacher who sponsored it got forced out of their job. What makes you think I’d want to do that?”

“Because you know what it’s like to be one of us,” Danny replied.

“What? You think just because I have a husband I’m gay?” he asked. My god… He was so good I almost thought he was being serious for a minute. Then he started laughing.

“So who’s going to run this thing? You Rossi?”

“I think after this week I qualify. I’ve got the ‘B’ part covered. Jake’s got the ‘G’ taken care of.”

“Oh? Is that so, Finnegan?” Mr. Reilly asked.

“I guess you could say that,” I said.

“You know, a sponsor doesn’t run things. You’d need officers and a plan. You better make it a good one too. If you want the club to be officially recognized it’ll need to be approved by the school board.”

“My dad’s the solicitor. I’m pretty sure he could make sure we have everything in order.”

Mr. Reilly smiled. “You know, I was part of the LGBTQ Alliance back when I went to school here. I was the vice president when it got banned.”

“Why did it get banned last time?” I asked.

“It’s a long story. But here’s the short answer: The person who banned it was Mr. Taylor’s father.”

“Old man Taylor, the school board president?” I asked.

Mr. Reilly nodded. “Yep. And you see this guy right here?” Mr. Reilly turned and pointed at the picture of his husband. “This guy is the reason the club got banned.”

“Billy Roberts…” Danny said. “You’re married to the Billy Roberts?”

“Who’s Billy Roberts?” I asked.

“Everything makes sense now,” Danny said.

“What makes sense?” I asked.

“My dad told me the story a long time ago. Old man Taylor tried to get a kid named Billy Roberts thrown out of school so his daughter could be valedictorian. His daughter is Mrs. Thompson.”

“Mrs. Thompson, the lady who helps with the auxiliary?” I asked.

Mr. Reilly nodded. “Ten years can heal a lot of old wounds. Sarah’s a friend of mine nowadays.”

“So then what happened?” I asked.

“I know this part too! Mr. Taylor got the school to cancel the old Alliance and made the school board pass a rule that said no same sex couples could go to the prom in an attempt to get Billy out of the way. It was all illegal. So this kid Billy went to the prom anyway and danced with his boyfriend… That was you?” Danny said.

“You know your school history,” Mr. Reilly said.

“Legends never die, “ Danny said.

“And your dad told you all this stuff?”

“My dad had to clean up the mess that you guys left behind. I never put it all together until today. Wow, you almost destroyed the whole school board. You guys took down the principal, a preacher, and the old solicitor. And Mr. Taylor almost lost his seat on the school board by one vote in the next election.”

“I’ve always regretted not voting in that election,” Mr. Reilly laughed. “And to be fair, the principal was going to retire anyway after dealing with me for four years.”

“Now I know why old man Taylor didn’t want to hire you,” Danny said.

“When you stand up against injustice, you’re bound to make some enemies. But that’s all water under the bridge. I’ll talk to Mr. Taylor and get the ball rolling. He likes pissing off his old man. And boys… Understand, once we’re back in the band room it’s all business. No favoritism. You guys sucked today.”

“Yes, sir!” we replied.

After Mr. Reilly dismissed us, Danny and I talked in the hallway.

“So this is really happening then?” I said.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “You hanging with Ryan tonight?”

“He’s staying overnight.”

“You guys have gotten close,” Danny said.

“We’re just friends,” I said.

“With the potential for something more?”

“There’s potential there,” I blushed.

“You kiss him yet?”

“Not yet.”

“You should,” Danny said. “You’re good at it.”

“We’re just enjoying what we have. If things go further then that’d be cool too.”

“But you do like him, right?”

“Who wouldn’t?” I replied. “He’s just the nicest, sweetest…”

“Hottest,” Danny continued.

“Yeah, he’s that too. But he’s so much more than that!”

Danny smiled. “You’re in love,” he said.

“Maybe,” I said.

“Kiss him. For your own sake and for his.”

My mom pulled up to the curb to pick us up and took Danny home. After she’d dropped him off, we drove toward our house.

“What time is Ryan coming over again?” she asked.

“Five o’clock,” I reminded her.

“And you’re going to do something besides just play with Lego people, right?”

“Minecraft,” I said, explaining it to her for what felt like the billionth time. “We play Minecraft.”

“He’s a sweetheart. Kind of shy, isn’t he?” mom said.

“Yeah he is,” I said. “He’s getting over it, though. He’ll surprise you sometimes with the things he’ll say.”

“You really like him, don’t you?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t have invited him over otherwise.”

“I think…” mom said, but then she hesitated.

“What do you think?” I said.

“I just… Well… I want you to know that if you and him… Okay, how to put this…”

“We’re just friends,” I said.

“For now,” mom said.

“Mom!”

“Jacob, you’ve never officially said anything about how you feel about boys and girls to me, and that’s your right and business. But I just want you to know that if or when you do decide to talk to me, I’m going to be okay with whatever you decide to do.”

“You want me to say the words?” I asked.

“You don’t have to say anything you don’t…”

“I’m gay. You happy now?” I said.

Mom went through about thirty emotions at once. “I just want you to be happy,” she said.

“Well being gay makes me happy,” I said.

“Then I’m happy for you. And I’ll support you no matter what.”

“And you and Ryan?”

“I wasn’t lying. We’re friends. I think he’s great. You’re taking this better than I thought you would. You talk to dad or something?”

“Why would I? Does he know already?”

“I told him months ago.”

“Well why didn’t you tell me then?” she asked.

“I wasn’t ready to tell you.”

We pulled into the driveway. Once we got out of the car, mom pulled me into a hug. “I’ll always be proud of you,” she said. We went inside and I went through my homework at the dining room table. Mom worked on dinner for three in the kitchen.

“So what does Danny think of you spending all this time with Ryan?”

“He’s cool. He’s the one who set us up.”

“He’s not feeling left out?”

“He’s got his own stuff going on right now,” I said.

“Just remember how you felt when he would have a girlfriend,” mom said.

“Danny doesn’t get jealous like me,” I said.

“Just be careful. Okay? Emotions can get very weird when it comes to love. Things can turn quickly. Trust me.”

I heard a car pull up to the house and a car door close. Ryan knocked on the door. He came in carrying his bookbag and his overnight bag. Kids with divorced parents know exactly how to pack for an overnight trip. Mom waved to Ryan’s dad from the doorway as Ryan joined me at the table. I’d promised to help him with his homework, and so we did that for about an hour until dinner was ready. Mom had made lasagna.

“Why don’t you ever cook like this for me?” I asked.

“Maybe I like Ryan better than you,” mom laughed. “It’s nice to prepare something special for guests.”

“It tastes amazing. I’m going to blow my whole carb budget in one night!” Ryan said.

“What’s a young boy like you doing watching carbs?” mom said.

“It’s a training thing for football. Coach Rush brought in this dietician friend of his to help us learn how to eat better. It’s pretty good stuff.”

“So you’re not trying to lose weight or anything like that?”

“Some guys lose weight, but it’s mostly fat. I gained weight, actually. I used to eat like a bird trying to stay skinny. I have abs now.”

“I have abs too,” I said. “Why settle for a six-pack when you can have a whole keg?” I put my hands on my non-existent belly. I hadn’t done a sit-up or a crunch since gym class, but I was still one of the skinniest kids in my class.

Ryan laughed. “What’s great is that my dad started on it too. He’s in better shape now than he was when he was thirty.”

“What position do you play on the team?” mom asked.

“Mostly wide receiver and some tight end,” Ryan replied.

I snickered.

Ryan blushed. “Shut up, Jake!”

“Someone gay had to have named those positions,” I joked.

Ryan and I laughed. Mom just shook her head.

“I didn’t play much this season, being a skinny little freshman. But Coach says if I work hard in the gym and gain some muscle I’ll get to play more next year.”

“Jake was never very athletic, but his father played in high school. Jake takes after me. I was in the band. I was a Charleroi Cougar and he went to Monessen.”

“You could still be a cougar, Mrs. Finnegan,” Ryan joked. Mom blushed.

“Dude, don’t flirt with my mom,” I laughed.

“Hush!” mom scolded me. “Go on, Ryan,” mom laughed.

After dinner, Ryan and I retreated to my room to play video games while mom went off to do whatever it is moms do when her kid’s not around. Ryan sat next to me and played Mario on my Nintendo DS while I played Candy Crush on my phone. Ryan took his shirt off and changed into a pair of gym shorts. He also switched from his contacts to his glasses.

Mom checked in on us once to tell us not to stay up too late, and shook her head that we were each playing our own thing. “Play a board game together or something,” she suggested.

“A what?” Ryan asked.

Mom left us alone. As we hung out, I couldn’t help but admire how Ryan’s body had grown and developed since he’d turned fifteen. He had some real honest-to-god muscle on his tall, thin frame. His legs were long and strong and looked like they had more hair than mine, but that could be because his hair was brown and mine was blond. His chest was more muscular than mine too, and still smooth like mine was. And yes, his abs had come along too. He wasn’t ripped, but he was definitely getting into great shape.

“I told my mom I’m gay today,” I said.

“How’d it go?” he asked, glancing up from his game.

“Good,” I said. “She thinks we should go out.”

Ryan smiled and raised his eyebrows. I just loved his beautiful brown eyes. Like a puppy. He’d had braces in seventh grade, and his smile was absolutely perfect.

“What makes her think I’m gay?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Probably because you act like you’re gay.”

“And how do I act gay?” he asked.

“I don’t know… I mean, you are, right?”

Ryan sighed. Oh great… Don’t tell me I just fucked everything up again!

“I… Well, my parents keep telling me it’s too early to know what I want. My dad’s convinced that since I play football that I can’t be gay. No one on the team even cares. I’m just one of the guys. My mom… Anytime I even bring it up she gets all defensive and blames herself and the divorce for it. I’m like, ‘it doesn’t work like that!’ But she’s just in a constant state of denial. She was about the divorce too. She kept thinking it would all work out in the end. Things were going so well, now they’ve all fallen apart.”

“I thought your parents got along pretty well.”

“Oh, they do. But the way they’re acting about this… I’m afraid I’m going to screw up everything they’ve accomplished. They’ve starting to fight again. They hadn’t fought for a while until it started becoming clear what I was.”

“You can’t blame yourself for your parents’ issues!” I said.

“But there was a possibility they could have worked things out! Maybe we could have been a real family again! But now I’ve screwed it all up.”

“Ry… I guarantee you there was no chance your parents were going to get back together. This isn’t like the movies.”

“Maybe for your parents that’s true. But my parents were getting along better than ever!”

“Because they didn’t have to live with each other anymore,”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Ryan said. “I’m glad your parents accept you and love you the way you are. I wish I could say the same.”

Ryan went back to his game and didn’t talk for a long time afterward, which wasn’t like him at all. Usually you couldn’t shut him up. It was so weird to see him not be happy.

“Hey,” I said. “I’m sorry I made you upset.”

“You didn’t do it,” Ryan replied. He sighed. “Doesn’t it suck to know that love never wins?”

“It can. We can’t give up just because our parents suck at it.”

“I just want my dad to be proud of me. That’s why I signed up for football. He played when he was in school, so I thought, ‘If I can just get good at this, maybe he’d be proud of me.’ But even then, there’s always something else. It doesn’t matter if you’re good at football if you’re gay. I’ll never be good enough for him, just like mom.”

I put my hand on his knee. “You’re a good person, Ry. If your dad can’t see that, then too bad for him.”

Ryan put his hand on my hand. “You’re a good friend, Jake. These last few weeks have been rough, but you’ve been with me all the way, and I don’t think I’d have gotten through it without you.”

“That’s sweet, Ry. I’m glad to be here for you.”

Ryan kept his hand on my hand. “Can I ask you something?” he asked.

“Sure,” I replied.

“Are you in love with Danny?” he asked.

“Danny is very special to me. He’s been my best friend my whole life. He was there for me like I’ve been here for you when my parents got divorced. There was a time when I thought he could love me like I loved him, but I learned the hard way that could never happen. I’ll always love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore. I’ve moved on.”

“Moved on to what?” he asked. He squeezed my hand. “Did you do anything with him?”

“You mean sexually?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Does it matter?”

“No. I just… I’ve seen you with him around the school and stuff. I was always a little bit jealous of him. When he asked me to come to his birthday party, I was surprised. I’ve seen him around, maybe said hi in the hallway, but that was about it. And then he said he wanted me to hang out with you. I couldn’t believe it. And then there were the rumors that started about him, that he might be gay, or that he might be bi… I thought, if those rumors were true then that would mean that you might have been the one he’d done stuff with.”

“We’ve fooled around a little bit in his hot tub,” I said. “A little bit of sucking…”

“That’s more than I’ve ever done. I want to, but… you know. It’s not easy to find somebody who’d be willing, who wouldn’t judge you for wanting to try things.”

“Would you like to try things, Ryan?” I asked.

I felt Ryan’s leg begin to get the goosebumps. I slid my hand up his thigh, passing under his shorts, all the way up to his underwear.

“Y… Yeah…” he whispered. I slid my hand up and down his thigh. Ryan sat there with his eyes fixed on my hand. He was almost shivering from excitement and nerves. I slid into his shorts, this time passing my pant over the front of his underwear, feeling his bulge.

“Is this what you want?” I asked.

“Yeah… But… I… I want to kiss you,” Ryan said, barely able to speak. We leaned closer and closed our eyes as our lips met. I gently massaged the front of his underwear. He gripped my hand over his shorts.

“Oh shit…” he moaned. I felt his dick spasm in my hand. “Uhhhh…”

“What?”

“I just jizzed in my underwear,” Ryan confessed. He blushed so much I was afraid he was going to turn purple. “Oh my god! This is humiliating.”

“No. No, it’s okay, Ry. It’s okay.”

Ryan pushed my hand away and stood up. “Shit!” he said.

“Dude, we don’t have to stop,” I said.

“No. I’m such a loser! I can’t… I… Can I take a shower, please?”

“Of course,” I said. “Bathroom is right across the hall.”

“I can’t believe this. Shit!”

“Ryan!” I said firmly. He looked about ready to cry. “It’s okay, dude. Take your shower and if you want to do more after you come back we can. Okay?”

Ryan just nodded, grabbed his overnight bag, and slipped out the door of my bedroom. I tidied up my room a bit and waited for him to come back. I heard the shower stop and waited. After about fifteen minutes I peeked out the door of my room. The bathroom was empty. I looked around for Ryan, but he was nowhere to be found. I took a quick peek out the front window and found that he had walked all the way to the end of our street and was standing at the corner. I slipped on my shoes and ran outside. When he saw me it looked like he was ready to take off running.

“You leaving?” I asked. As I got closer I could see that tears were streaking down his cheeks.

“Leave me alone, please!” Ryan begged.

“Ryan, it’s okay!”

“Stop saying that! I jizzed in my pants just from you touching me! I’m such a fuck-up! I’m gonna call my dad to come pick me up.”

“No! Ryan! Come back to the house.”

“I love you, Jacob!” Ryan exclaimed. “I’ve loved you since first grade! Even before I knew what that meant! I’ve been waiting for that moment for ten years, and the first time you touched me I shot my fucking wad! I’m a loser!”

“No you’re not! Ry… I don’t know how I’d describe my feelings for you right now. I don’t know if I can say I love you, but I certainly like you a whole lot! I’m like right on the edge of moving into love. There’s something more than physical attraction there. I want to explore that further with you. I want to see what can happen between us. Tonight was like a practice run. You know how a practice goes. If you screw it up it doesn’t matter all that much because you can always try again. I want to try again! Maybe not tonight, but soon! Please come back to the house with me.”

Ryan looked down the road, as if still contemplating running away. Then he looked at me. He didn’t say anything, he just started walking with me toward my house. I reached over and took hold of his hand. He looked down at our hands and that little shy smile formed on his face. When we got back to my room, he sighed and dropped back into the chair he’d been sitting in. It was like all his energy had been spent.

“You want to Minecraft before we go to bed?” I asked.

He smiled. “Yeet,” he said.