Stories Written on Lined Paper - 13. Lisa’s Idea

His breath tasted of the vodka that the three of us had been drinking, but underneath there was the tang of something sharp. I brushed my lips across his, my tongue moving over their softness and smoothness and then over the sandpaper-like roughness of the stubble on his cheek. Again I brushed my lips over his lips, but again he didn’t respond. It was like kissing a beautiful flesh-and-blood statue but a statue all the same.

I pushed my tongue at his lips, but they remained closed, as solid as a locked door, and then, in a moment of surprise, they opened and my tongue was able to slip into that beautiful mouth with its white and almost perfect teeth. I swirled my tongue around and stroked it over those almost perfect teeth, but there was no response in return.

With a backward jerk of his head, Ethan broke off our kiss, leaving me almost hanging in mid-air, my mouth open like a lost goldfish. I snapped my eyes open and my mouth closed.

“Sorry mate, I didn’t feel anything. It was all right but not for me,” Ethan said.

“What … nothing?” Lisa replied, her face falling with disappointment.

“Nothing,” he said.

“Not even a little swelling downstairs?” Lisa asked, staring at him.

“Nothing, it didn’t even twitch. Sorry, Nick, nothing personal, but it isn’t for me,” Ethan said.

“No hard feelings,” I said as I shifted around on the sofa trying to get comfortable again. There wasn’t much room inside my underwear for my own excitement.

Lisa had invited me there that night to meet her new boyfriend, the very attractive Ethan. She obviously wanted to show him off to me, and Ethan was certainly pretty. His blond hair was cut into a very flattering floppy-fringed style. His chin was graced with dark blond and carefully trimmed stubble. His bright and open face seemed to almost command the room, always drawing your eyes back to him. His lean body rippled with just the right amount of muscles to give him careful definition, which I could easily see through his skin-tight, ribbed T-shirt. But as the evening progressed, I soon saw Lisa wasn’t just proud of her pretty new boyfriend, she was also insecure about him.

As the wine flowed, it was Lisa who brought up the subject of “gay experiences” and she actually seemed shocked when Ethan said he hadn’t even kissed another man. As we moved on to drinking vodka shots Lisa’s questions became more insistent, ending with her suggestion to him:

“Go on, kiss Nick.”

“What?” Ethan was lounging back in an armchair, his groin thrust forward as a he sat. With his legs open his whole posture seemed to drag my eyes down to that groin.

“You’ve never kissed a man, Nick’s here and he’s gay, why don’t you kiss him? How do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never done it?” Lisa asked, staring straight at him.

“Will this turn you on?” he asked.

“It might.” She smiled at him.

I felt as if I was invisible then, in the middle of their flirting, and for a moment I felt embarrassingly uncomfortable.

“I’m game!” Ethan said with a sudden burst of energy. He then jumped up from his armchair and in the next moment he was sitting beside me on the sofa. “Come on, pucker up,” he said to me.

Then I kissed him.

I left Lisa’s flat not long after that kiss, it was her who showed me out; Ethan remained lounging on the sofa. On the flat’s doorstep Lisa whispered to me, “Thanks for that.”

“For what?” I whispered back.

“I was really worried about Ethan. I mean he’s so pretty that I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t just a little bit gay, a bit bisexual. You know what I mean. Well, you kissing him has really put my mind at rest. He didn’t react at all, not a flicker. I really feel happy now, he’s all mine. Thanks, Nick, you’re a real friend.” She lightly kissed me on the cheek.

“You’re welcome,” I whispered back. The whole experience had left me feeling rather odd, rather uncomfortable.

Everything should have ended there, but with my dumb luck of course it didn’t. Lisa was one of the craziest of my friends, only she could be worried that her new boyfriend was gay because he was so pretty; only she could have arranged for the three of us to get drunk together so she could get him to kiss me and she could watch his reaction. Why she couldn’t have the usual worries someone in a new relationship has is beyond me. Lisa is fun but crazy as the day is long.

***

A week later, on a very dull Friday night, I took myself off to The Twelve Inch. It’s the cheapest of pick-up joints I know, but I’m single and I get horny. I’d showered, put on one of my best T-shirts and a faded pair of jeans, topped it off with my black leather jacket, and took myself off there. It’s a twenty-minute walk from where I live, but it’s certainly not my regular watering hole, that would be far too much of an admission of failure. I arrived just before midnight, The Twelve Inch is not the place to arrive early at, and I started on the first of my three drinks. I always have three drinks to get me in the right mood for cruising.

I was finishing my first drink when I heard someone calling my name:

“Nick? Nick? Didn’t think I’d see you here.”

I turned towards the voice and found it was Ethan. He was dressed in ripped jeans and a black ribbed T-shirt; his blond hair was gelled back over his head, making his face seem so much stronger. He was smiling at me.

“I come here occasionally,” I told him.

I was so surprised to see him there that my mind seemed to miss a beat and I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Me too, you know how it is,” he said.

“But why are you here?” I asked as my mind found its feet again.

“I’ve come here for some cock, same as you.”

“But I kissed you and you didn’t enjoy it.”

“I did enjoy it, you made me so hard, but I couldn’t say that in front of Lisa. She’s so hung up that I might be a little bit gay; if I’d told her how much it had turned me on, she’d have gone on and on about it. I like things the way they are, her thinking that I’m a hundred percent straight so that I can slip away for some cock whenever I want it.” He was leaning on the bar now, his body achingly close to mine. I could see the tiny blond hairs at the nape of his throat, see his pink tongue moving over his lips as he spoke, and smell his unscented odour. His physical presence was far more intoxicating than the drink in my hand. Instantly I was fully aroused.

“Oh, right,” I said. Now it was that intoxicating lust throwing my mind once more off track.

“Yeah.” His lips were over my mouth and this time he was kissing me.

Once again his breath tasted sharp but this time the sharpness of beer, though it was only a momentary concern. His kiss was passionate, almost intense, as he pushed his lips hard against mine. His tongue had parted my lips the moment it had touched them and was now exploring the inside of my mouth. His lips pressed and pushed at my own, forcing my lips apart, again and again pushing his passion at me. Seconds later, his hand found my groin, with a rough jolt pushing between my legs and equally roughly exploring what he found there. Even though my jeans remained firmly closed, it was as if his hand had already initiated sex between us.

With a monumental force of will I stepped back and broke the physical contact between us, though my body seemed to scream out in anger and demand that contact back.

“I can’t do this. This is way too fucked up.” The words tumbled out of my mouth with the taste of his spit still on my tongue.

“Nick, it’s only a shag. You’re horny and so am I,” he said.

“God no,” I mumbled and turned my back on him and almost ran out of there. I couldn’t have stayed there with him; the physical pull of his attractive body would have rapidly driven any willpower out of my mind. I had to just get away from there and fast.

***

When I arrived back at my flat, it had started to spit with rain, the first drops falling onto me as I opened my front door; but at least my almost painful erection had eased inside my pants. I staggered over my threshold as a wave of depression hit me. God, what had I done? I turned down sex with a man as handsome as Ethan, a chance that didn’t always fall my way, but also how could I ever face Lisa again? How I could hide from her that her irrational fear was actually true? God, what a mess.

I fell down onto my sofa, not bothering to take off my jacket or boots, not even bothering to turn on the lights there, and just stared into the darkness of the room. I must have fallen asleep soon after that, sitting there, but all I remember is just closing my eyes against those dark feelings of failure.

***

Late the next morning, I woke up slumped on the sofa and still fully dressed, with a full bladder and a burning cramp in the back of my neck. As I stretched out against the stiffness pulling tightly at my limbs, I was struck by a horrible realisation. Lisa was right; Ethan was more than a little gay. How could I face her again? How could I possibly keep that secret? I had destroyed our friendship and I couldn’t ever tell her why.

As I levered myself up off that sofa, I wished I had never kissed that handsome man. But you can never undo a kiss, not like untying a knot. With that realisation I felt a wave of stupidity wash over take me. I had been so stupid, made such a fool of myself, and I didn’t know what my next step should be.

As I slowly walked to my bathroom, to relieve the uncomfortable pressure of my full bladder, my phone rang, its ringtone vibrating it in my jacket pocket. I pulled it out and found the call was from Lisa. I couldn’t face hearing her bright and chirpy voice. I sent the call straight to voicemail.