Unbecoming Darrell Matthews - 9. Chapter 9

The shrink's name was Lydia, I found out later. The day after Michelle's visit she came in and sat in the chair, clearly prepared for another battle. I must've knocked her socks off when I started the conversation on my own. I asked her what she thought of the idea of me moving away and trying to get a teaching degree and her eyes almost bugged clear out of her head.

We talked for longer than the allotted hour. At the end of it all she asked me what had changed my mind. Not willing to rat Michelle out I just shrugged and said, "Maybe I heard more than you thought I did." It wasn't really a lie. It just wasn't her I'd been listening to.

She promised to look into things like schools and financial aid for me, as well as sounding my mom out about our monetary prospects. I couldn't use the scholarship I'd been awarded but she was pretty certain there were other ways to go about it. Her only concern, she told me, was that I'd be without close support if I became depressed again. She tried to talk me into moving somewhere close by but I wouldn't hear of it.

"If I'm going to do this," I said. "I'm going to make a clean break - get as far away as I can manage and start over."

"I'm not so sure that's a wise decision, Darrell," Lydia insisted. "What if something happened and you were too far away for your family to get to you? You could be right back here, where you started - or worse."

I shook my head. "I don't see that happening," I replied. "You don't know my mom and brother. If something did go wrong, they'd rob banks if they had to."

She gave me a considering look. "It's good to see your faith in your family has weathered all of this," she said. "But what are they going to think of this? Do you think they'll be supportive of you moving away?"

"If it helps me they will," I said firmly.

"Well..." Lydia gathered up her papers and stood. "We'll talk more about this later. There's still a long way to go before I'll consider your discharge. And I've apparently got a lot of homework to do."

I smiled at her. It felt good. "Thanks, Doc."

She blinked in surprise and then smiled back. "You're welcome, Darrell."

**

It took some time before I was ready to face my mom and Trent again. I wasn't kidding when I said the whole ordeal had embarrassed the hell out of me. As soon as I saw my mom stick her head through the doorway I could feel my cheeks burn with shame. Our first visit was awkward but I asked them to come back and eventually we got to where we could talk comfortably about mundane things, if not the important stuff.

It wasn't until a few days later that I finally brought up what I'd done. Suffice it to say there were a lot of tears flowing that day and a lot of apologies made on all sides. I think I convinced Trent that none of it had been his fault, though, when I thanked him for being there to get help. I told them both about my plan to get back into school and then immediately turned to Trent and said, "Which I wouldn't be doing right now if you hadn't saved me, bro." Trent blushed and shrugged, and the conversation moved on. I could tell he felt better, though.

My mom wanted to know where I was going to go to school. I hadn't given it a lot of thought except for the part about wanting to be somewhere where I could start over. That led to a discussion about the best course of action toward applying for acceptance to university. Trent said that I should pick the university I wanted to attend and devote all of my energy to getting admitted, while my mom maintained that I should pick several different universities that matched all or most of my criteria and work from there. It was at that point that I brought up the subject of tuition.

Much to my surprise, my mom said both Trent and I had money saved up in accounts she and Dad opened when we were born. Not that we were rich or anything, but there would definitely be enough to get by if I managed to get the financial aid Lydia was talking about. That knowledge served to take a huge weight off my chest and for the first time I really began to believe that I could do this. I'd been telling everyone that I could, but deep down there'd been a nagging doubt as to whether I'd be able to pull it off.

Michelle brought in a laptop and together we looked through the websites for a few universities out on the east coast. After I'd turned down six or seven of them she turned to face me and asked, "What are you looking for, Darrell?"

"I don't know." I really didn't. There wasn't anything wrong with them, exactly, but I'd turned them down anyway. "I guess I'm just tired." She kept staring at me but I wouldn't look at her and after a couple of minutes she packed up the computer and left. I felt kind of bad - she had been trying to help, after all - but at the same time I was also relieved. I was starting to feel a little panicked.

A few minutes after she left, the door opened again and Lydia came in. I was surprised, considering we'd already had our session for today. She sat down in the chair Michelle had been using and handed me a pamphlet.

"I want you to seriously consider going here, Darrell," she said. "It has a very good academic program, a disability support system, LGBT support system-"

"You're assuming I need one of those."

She frowned. "...And, most importantly, it has a staff psychologist who just happens to be a friend of mine."

I could feel the muscles in my shoulders tense. "You're telling me I have to go there?" I asked through gritted teeth. "The whole idea was to get away from all of this."

Lydia looked at me for a moment and then set the pamphlet on the bed by my knee. "What I'm telling you, Darrell," she said slowly. "Is that I want you to apply for this university. I think it's far enough away from here to suit your needs, and at the same time there will be someone there you can go to for help if you need it."

"You're trying to tell me none of the other universities I've been looking at have staff shrinks?"

"Darrell... Just take a look, okay? Apply to fifty universities if you want but at least try this one."

"Why?"

She drew in a long breath. "I'm going out on a limb here in even considering letting you move across the continent, given your history." I opened my mouth to say something but Lydia held up her hand. "Read the pamphlet. The next time Michelle brings in the laptop check out the website. Yes, I want to keep an eye on you - that's my job - but I agree that maybe getting away from everything that's happened might be beneficial to you. At least this way we both get what we want."

I picked up the brochure and stared at it for a minute. "How often do I have to see her?" I asked.

"Him. And you don't have to keep regular appointments." She sighed. "Just check in with him when you get there, drop by once in a while... keep in touch, you know?"

The guy in the picture on the cover was kind of cute. "Once in a while, huh?" Lydia began to smile. I smiled back. "I guess I can do that."