A Night with no Stars - 11. Reality Bites

Maks felt like it all wasn't real, like he was floating somewhere between reality and dream. Right at this moment he was completely detached, unsubstantial and nameless, stuck in some limbo where all that mattered was the body he was holding in his arms. Only the closer to dawn, the more the reality was sinking back in and it was becoming obvious that it wasn't a dream, and that soon he would have to face the real world. He wanted to fight it, to stay forever in this obliviousness where the only things that really existed were Aleks's hair tickling his chest and his fingertips brushing lightly at his abdomen. Not thinking was good. He didn't want to think about what they'd done. He tried to shut out the panic that was already lurking under his skin. He dreaded what was going to happen when they had to get up, and what Aleks was going to say. He dreaded it so much that he was trying to delay the moment only with his willpower.

He reached out to run his fingers through his hair and Aleks just stretched in response, pressing his cheek against his skin. He didn't seem up to anything else, neither of them was, Maks felt like he was trying to calm his breath for ages and he was still panting a little. Aleks must have felt his racing heartbeat, his ear was right above it after all. He wanted to check if Aleks's pulse was just as rapid, but he was a little scared that when he moved, one of them would speak up and they would have to start talking about what happened, and he had no idea what he could possibly say.

Everything had got so fucked up and Maks felt completely powerless. He couldn't fight it, so he just went with this strange flow. It had led him here, on this couch, topless, with his jeans undone and Aleks, who had also lost his t-shirt at some point, pressed against him. Maks knew it couldn't get any worse, so he saw no reason to retreat now. Since they were already here he could keep on playing with his hair and stroking his back. So he did and Aleks turned his head once in a while to place a kiss on whatever portion of skin his lips found. Let's see which one of them would crack first. He was tempted to be the one, because after all it was still Aleks and everything was always so easy with Aleks, so he was sure that as soon as they talked it over, it would all get magically fixed, but on the other hand he doubted he would be able to find the right words. He had a feeling that 'We've had sex, now what?' wasn't the best choice.

Had they had sex? Yeah, they probably had. They were close as only people who had sex could be, so it was hard to think about it any other way. He was trying to rationalize it in his head, that he was aggravated, because Ewelina and this and that, but he couldn't rationalize the fact that he'd never felt so fulfilled before. Even now that most of the tension was gone, it still didn't feel wrong, even though it probably should. But as long as Aleks's hands and his breath and his heartbeat were on him, everything seemed to be in its place.

It was supposed to be just a... thing. A thing that came to fruition only because he was pissed at Ewelina. But it turned from a little thing to a pretty big thing and he had no idea how he was supposed to go on and get back to being with other people, with women or with a particular women, not when he knew this. After all some day he would have to snap out of this crush, find a girl – maybe Ewelina, after she'd been punished enough, or maybe some other one – and do all the shit that people who already figured life out claimed it was all about. It's not like he could drop everything and just be with Aleks. He'd never thought of himself as someone who was overly concerned with the opinions of others, but he couldn't even picture what the world would say if he suddenly left his perfectly acceptable fiancée for a teenage boy. So they were not going to be together, no matter how nice Aleks felt and how well he fitted into his arms. But what if Aleks thought they were going to be? He felt his level of panic suddenly increasing and Aleks had to choose that exact moment to look up.

"Ok?" he whispered.

Maks stared at his face, it was still bruised and his lower lip got split up again – oh my God, was it his fault? – but he was smiling and his eyes were bright and fuck, even the after-effects of yesterday's fight didn't change that he looked happy and he was so fucking lovely when he was happy.

No, it's not, Maks thought. He swallowed and nodded his head heavily.

Aleks's smile widened, he lifted himself on his elbows and leaned in to press his lips to his cheek softly. It was so intimate that Maks couldn't help himself, he had to embrace his shoulders and pull him closer.

How could he be so calm? Wasn't he worried at all? Why did he have to be so sweet and tender, while Maks felt that he could start hyperventilating any moment now?

He should probably say something after all. "We've done something stupid," he whispered tentatively into his hair, cause he thought that one of them should acknowledge that. He wanted Aleks to agree with him and say something like 'yeah, what the fuck was even that', he would feel a tiny bit more normal if he knew that Aleks thought it was insane too.

Instead he saw Aleks's brows knitting and he already knew that these weren't the right words. "Stupid?" he echoed. His voice was still calm, but there was something hollow in it that wasn't there before.

Maks was trying to think of anything to say. "Cause you know, I'm not..." he broke off, because something was telling him that it was the worst platitude he could possibly come up with.

Aleks seemed to agree, his expression shifted instantly and his eyes got so haughty Maks wanted to shudder. "You're not...? Right," Aleks muttered wryly. He was still laying on top of him, but Maks felt like he just drew away. "Of course not, you never are," he added blankly.

Maks didn't let him fool him, he could see he was hurt. He felt sick in his stomach, cause hurting Aleks was the last thing he wanted to do. "A-are you?" he stammered hesitantly.

Aleks gave him a look that suggested that he was starting to doubt he was dealing with a fully mentally developed human being. "We've been dry-humping literally an hour ago, how heterosexual do you consider that?" he mocked. He didn't seem hurt anymore, now he looked pissed.

Maks flushed, cause yeah, that was a pretty dumb question.

"Do you really have no gaydar?" he added, clearly judging him.

"Why would I have gaydar? I'm not gay!" Maks blurted defensively.

Aleks eyed them both up and down skeptically. "You do realize how ridiculous it sounds?" he asked, because yes, they were still cuddled up, their legs were so tangled it was hard to say which one belonged to whom and their naked chests were rubbing against each other with every move and ok, there was nothing straight about it.

"Of course I do," Maks bridled. This conversation was really going nowhere. "I just... I just don't know what's happening..." he broke off helplessly.

Aleks was eyeing him in deliberation. "What is happening? This is happening," he said firmly, then leaned in without warning and pressed his lips to Maks's, who involuntarily tilted his head to accommodate him, because when Aleks was kissing you there was no way of not kissing him back, no matter how straight you were.

Maks's hand went to his neck on autopilot to pull him closer and Aleks let him, opening his mouth without a fuss. He was more focused on proving his point than on the nicety of the kiss, so he moved his hand down his abdomen to the front of his boxers and squeezed the hardening flesh. Maks gasped quietly.

"This is happening," Aleks repeated, breaking away with a smirk. "Are you really going to defy your own body and pretend that you're not into it and that we didn't both want it to happen from the moment we met?"

Maks tried not to get caught up on the fact that Aleks just admitted that he wanted to have sex with him since the moment they met.

"I didn't think about it when we met," he objected truthfully. When they met it wouldn't even cross his mind that they would end up where they'd ended up.

Aleks's eyebrows went up again. This all-knowing smirk was starting to get irritating.

"And I'm not going to defy anything, it's just... it's just not something I thought about before and..."

Lies, all lies. Aleks's expression got even more derisive. "Look at you, all spontaneous," he taunted.

Maks averted his eyes, because looking at him was getting really difficult when he had no idea what he was supposed to tell him.

Suddenly Aleks grabbed his chin and forced his head up. He looked almost concerned. "Hey, listen... there's nothing wrong about it. You know that, right?" he said with emphasis, looking at him intently to make sure that his words got through. "We're two consenting adults, we can do whatever we want. There's nothing wrong in..."

Maks started to shake his head before he even finished the sentence. "I don't know..." he broke off, because he didn't know anymore what it was that he didn't know and his head was starting to hurt.

Aleks fixed his absent gaze on the opposite wall, looking gloomy. "Ok," he said finally. "If you want to keep lying to yourself instead of being who you are..."

"I don't know who I am," Maks objected quietly. "I don't know anything anymore."

"You're twenty four," Aleks scoffed, sounding snide again. "Don't you think it's about time to find out?"

Yeah, Maks wasn't sure if he even wanted to find out. "Look, I don't wanna lead you on or something," he started apologetically.

Aleks pressed his lips tightly, already knowing where it was going.

"And I know that for some reason... there is something between us. I know that," he emphasized. "But listen, I've never been... maybe you have, but I've never been into that. Never, really. And I don't know if it's some weird, temporary phase, because lately I haven't been... I've..." he broke off when he realized that this speech didn't make any sense, even though it sounded so logical and coherent in his head just a moment ago.

Aleks was eyeing him apprehensively. "Maybe it's a weird, temporary phase," he agreed for the sake of this conversation, even though he knew that such phases were never temporary. They could be forced into submission, but they didn't just go away. "But maybe it's not . Have you considered that? I just don't understand why you're presuming..."

"Because it's a lot more likely," Maks interrupted abruptly.

Aleks looked up and he could see he was hurt again, even if he tried to hide it.

"Look, I don't understand it either, because it's not just about..." he stumbled, looking down at their tangled bodies and flushing.

Aleks smirked faint-heartedly. "Sex?" he supplied teasingly.

Maks glared at him. "Yes. Sex," he admitted, trying to sound just as self-assured. "I really do care about you. And I really think we're friends. Well, along with everything else that's been going on, at least I consider you a friend, so..."

"Of course we are," Aleks chimed in readily, as if there was no doubt about it.

"Right, so what's the point of fucking up such a perfectly fine friendship for it to... not work anyway?" he asked, anxious for his reaction.

Aleks swallowed quietly. "Well, when you put it like that," he remarked wryly.

Maks had to force himself not to take these words back if that would make Aleks stop using that tone. "No, I just..." he uttered helplessly.

"Yeah, you don't need to explain yourself," Aleks cut off coldly. "I get it." He started to get up and if Maks thought he was panicking before, it was nothing compared to what he was feeling right now.

"No, wait," he pleaded, sitting up himself. Ironically it wasn't until he moved away for Maks to realize how soothing it was to have him so close. He turned around and looked down at him and Maks felt his throat going dry, because there was something unbelievably arousing in Aleks hovering above him without his shirt, all fuming and stern. Apparently zipping up was the last thing on his mind and Maks took a moment to stare at his happy trail. He didn't have time or the mental capacity before to fully scrutinize it, but it was hard to miss that Aleks might have been young and rather delicate for a guy, but he was neither a kid nor a woman, he was built like a man and smelled like a man. Instead of soft skin he was all hard muscles under Maks's hands and barely discernible facial hair under his lips. He didn't understand why Ewelina was always nagging him so much when he was too lazy to shave. It didn't seem so bad, he actually wouldn't mind if Aleks grew it a little more. Then he realized that it had nothing to do with him, because he wasn't planning on feeling Aleks's facial hair under his lips ever again. He felt sick in his stomach at the mere thought and glanced up.

He must have looked very pitiful, because Aleks's face softened slightly. "What was it even for, huh?" he asked quietly, bending down to pick up his t-shirt from the floor. "You were the one who started it, Maks. And you weren't that drunk, you were perfectly aware of what you were doing, so I don't understand what you were trying to achieve if you..."

"I don't know what I was trying to achieve either," Maks mumbled, cutting him off and realizing that he had started to sound a little harsh as well. He just didn't want to be the only bad guy here being admonished. "I have no fucking idea, ok?" he repeated, actually raising his voice this time. "I don't know what is this thing that's stuck inside me since we've met, I don't know why you and not anybody else. I don't know why I panic every time you're not answering your phone for longer than an hour. I don't know, ok, the only thing I know is that I didn't ask for it, it came out of nowhere and I don't fucking want it, because you suddenly expect some declaration and I'm a wreck, cause my girlfriend cheated on me and sorry, but right now I've got no fucking declarations for you." Maks came to a halt and took a deep breath. It was the first time in a very long time that he's lost this basic control that kept him from blurting out everything he was thinking and feeling. He rubbed his eyes, trying to settle down and realized that at some point he got up as well, so now he was standing right in front of Aleks and saw the exact moment when his words dawned on him.

"Ewelina," he said in sudden epiphany, then burst into short, bitter laugh. "Ok, that would do it," he added, nodding to himself, then looked Maks straight in the eyes. "So? Was I a good payback? Did you get back on her?" His voice was pure ice. "Do you think I was as good for you as whoever was for her?"

'Better,' Maks wanted to say, but he was tongue-tied, so he just stayed silent.

Aleks closed his eyes, as if he wasn't able to even look at him anymore. "You know what, just go back to your perfect, heterosexual life and to your fiancée and leave me alone," he scoffed before turning on his heel and heading to the hallway.

Maks followed him, because no matter how overwhelmed he was, it was still Aleks and he was still crazy about him, and he had no reason to be upset, after all Maks was just trying to be honest with him. Right?

Only Aleks looked really awful when he was yanking his jacket from the hanger, as if he had no hope left, and he suddenly realized that... damn it, Aleks wanted it. For quite some time now, he admitted it himself. It was important to him and now Maks was just discarding it like it was nothing, so no wonder he was hurt. But it wasn't that he didn't care, he cared a whole fucking lot, not even about the sex, but about Aleks in general, about him being safe and happy, and about them being as much of a good team as they were so far. He just couldn't put it into words because of all of these confusing feelings, but Aleks had to know that he cared.

"Aleks, wait..." he started weakly.

"Fuck off," Aleks muttered under his breath before slamming the door behind himself and that was it.

He did it in the last possible moment before his eyes started to get misty. He ran down the stairs and stopped by the entrance door, cursing himself for being such a fucking pussy. He could already feel tears in the corners of his eyes and it was so pathetic, because he was supposed to be a real man, untouchable and resilient, so no one could ever hurt him again. He promised himself to change, to stop fishing for attention and clutching desperately to every person willing to show him a modicum of kindness and affection. That was the old Aleks, the new Aleks was supposed to be a tough guy, who was breaking hearts instead of being heartbroken himself. But of course Maks had to turn up and this time it was a hundred times worse, cause apparently all his previous crushes were straight out of kindergarten. They must have been, because although Aleks was always sensitive and took rejections pretty hard, none of them had ever made him feel as if he would never catch his breath again.

***

Maks was sitting at the kitchen table and staring into space, replaying Aleks's every touch and word over and over. He couldn't come to terms with what just happened, he felt like after the break up, even though there was never any relationship and his head was throbbing with tears that couldn't spill out and were floating him from the inside. He couldn't believe that Aleks just left. They could have... they could have fixed it. He was convinced that it was still fixable, because it couldn't be the end of his and Aleks's story. And if it was, he could only blame himself, he knew it wouldn't end well after all. He'd started something he could neither take back, nor keep up, even though he knew it would ruin everything between them. And what was even worse, he hurt Aleks. He had no idea if he had done the right thing, because he thought that if he ever went there , it would be weird and awkward and unnatural , and he wouldn't be able to look Aleks straight in the eye after. But it wasn't, it was so effortless and liberating, like Aleks was triggering something deep inside him that he didn't even know existed before. It scared him, because now with the pull gone and all these insane instincts switched off, the only things left were Maks and his poor common sense that had no idea what was going on.

He was even more scared, because when he was sitting at this damn kitchen table he actually let his imagination run wild for a while. It was easy to picture Aleks here, in this room, as if it was his place in the world and for the first time he started to wonder what it would be like to be with Aleks. Falling asleep with him, waking up with him, making love to him in the morning, eating breakfast with him and then coming home to him in the afternoon and ordering pizza together. It was a peculiar picture, because for Maks it was hard to imagine himself like that with anyone, that's why he was so reluctant to move Ewelina in. He just liked to have his own space, but he'd already surrendered some of this space to him more than to anyone else.

It didn't change the fact that he knew it was just a silly fantasy, like he was reading fiction or watching someone else's life. He knew that entering into any kind of relationship with Aleks would be a terrible mistake and an act of pure selfishness on his part. Aleks just fell on fertile ground, when Maks was lost after getting back from England and he needed something to hang on to. It was both a detour from reality and some kind of an alternative path. When he was sick of his actual life, he could always temporarily turn into this other Maks, the one who was serious about going to drama school and was chasing after a teenage boy. But that was just a getaway, at the end of the day he had to get back to being the first Maks, soon to be married financier. He didn't have enough balls to cut the first Maks loose, he wasn't even sure if that was what he wanted. Maybe if he had played it differently when he was younger, if he had gotten his way and informed his dad that he was either going to be an actor or nothing at all? Maybe if he had met Aleks the same time he met Ewelina, back when he was a teenager, and fallen head over heels for him just as he did now? Maybe then. But now he felt too old to suddenly turn his life upside down.

The thought that it was too late to change anything was really depressing. Weren't all these motivational couching hippies always proclaiming that there was no such thing as too late? Well, they were wrong. He was definitely pigeonholed already.

Besides... sure, Maks knew he might have been a bit lost. He might have had no purpose. He might have been frustrated and bored, that was his right. But dear God, the mere fact that the first person in ages that splashed some color in his life happened to be a man didn't automatically turn him gay. It couldn't work like that, you couldn't just decide it and announce yourself and butt in among other gays who were gay their whole life. It seemed unfair somehow. And he didn't even feel gay. Even though he wasn't sure what being gay should feel like, this probably wasn't it. He was almost twenty five for Christ's sake. The idea would have crossed his mind already. Since it all came out of the blue, it might also go away out of the blue and then he would want to bail, and he had to think not only of himself, but also of Aleks. Because Aleks was gay, he'd said it loud and clear. And that was fine, it was just that they'd both walked into this mess for completely different reasons. Aleks did because he liked guys and apparently liked him. And Maks did because... he wasn't completely sure. Because he wanted to try something different? Because he wanted to get even with Ewelina? Because he had weird feelings for Aleks and wanted to see their extent? Probably all of the above.

"Hey." A quiet voice from behind his back startled him.

He'd forgotten all about Wiki and suddenly felt panic filling him from head to toe, because everything he had done that night must have been written all over his face. There was no chance in hell that he would be able to talk to her as if nothing happened, as if it was every other morning. Maybe if he'd actually studied acting, but he hadn't, so his skills left a lot to be desired. He blinked, not even knowing how to reply to this innocent greeting.

She didn't seem to wait for an answer though, she just went around the table to sit across him. "Well, now I understand what you meant when you said that he's not who I thought he is," she blurted, clearly trying to keep a straight face, but not doing a very good job of it. "And why you said he's not a right guy for me. Jesus, I'm so embarrassed..." she moaned, hiding her face in her hands.

Maks was just staring at her with his heart in his throat. It was such an absurd moment like right before death, when your whole life is flashing in front of your eyes, because it was bad enough when it was just happening inside their little bubble, but now someone was walking on earth who knew and Maks considered it his final downfall. "Why are you embarrassed?" he croaked when he found his own voice. He decided to wait with denying everything until he made sure that there was any point in denying.

"Cause I..." she murmured pitifully, keeping her head low. "I kind of suggested yesterday that we should..." 'Make out,' she finished in her head. "Go out together," she said out loud prudently. "I didn't really check with him or anything, I just assumed that he wanted to cause we've got along so well... God, he must think I'm an idiot, it's so mortifying..."

"Wiki," Maks interrupted her weakly, because in his opinion it was the least of their problems.

She looked up, as if she forgot he was here for a moment and apparently misinterpreted his expression, because she immediately started to explain herself. "You know, I'm not gonna hold it against you, Maks," she assured him quickly. "It's not like I blame you or anything. I mean, Aleks is a great choice. Well, Aleks is great, period. So you know, I would be the last person to judge you..."

Maks was staring at her at loss, because what was she even babbling about? He decided to at least try. "Look, Wiki, whatever you saw..." he started, swallowing heavily. "Or whatever you think you saw," he corrected himself, feeling the obvious lie hanging awkwardly between them. "It wasn't..."

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have," she cut him off, biting her lip miserably. "I felt sick during the night, so I went to the bathroom and I know I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't got drunk again, and I wasn't supposed to, but anyway I thought you heard me, cause I wasn't exactly quiet and you guys definitely weren't... sleeping," she pointed out with a goofy smile. "And you could have closed the door when you... no, you know what, it's your place and your business what you're doing here, not mine, so I just ran back to the bedroom, cause I didn't want things to get awkward..."

And how do you think things are now? Maks wanted to ask, irritated, cause he was trying to squirm out of this and she wasn't making it easy for him at all. Right now he couldn't care less that she'd been drunk and that they hadn't closed the door, because she was completely missing the point. "Wiki, I know how it looked, but..." he tried again. "It wasn't like that, Aleks and I were just..."

"You were just..." she picked up with an amused smile. "...making out on the couch like a couple of crazy teenagers? Yeah, I saw. And I already told you I'm not judging. Though maybe I am judging a little bit, cause the last time I checked you had a fiancée," she remarked casually. "So what's up with that?"

Maks sighed, feeling all of his strength leaving him.

"Maks?" she urged him gently, not giving up.

"I don't know if I have a fiancée anymore," he grumbled reluctantly.

Wiki's eyebrows jumped up. "So let me get this straight, I turn around for five minutes and you're exchanging a fiancée for a boyfriend?" she summed up, looking like she was barely keeping from laughing.

"I don't have a boyfriend," Maks protested with a glare. "Could you be serious?"

And she dared to burst into giggles. "Ok, ok," she snorted, raising her hands in conciliatory gesture, still sounding a bit condescending. "So it was..."

"It was a mistake," Maks cut off sharply, then looked at her hesitatingly. "Aren't you surprised at all?"

"With what?" she asked cluelessly. Maks wanted to roll his eyes, but she went on. "Not really. I mean a little, sure, it's not like I've expected it or something, but you know. I've been with a girl once too. Just to try it out. I kind of liked it," she confessed blithely.

Maks closed his eyes. "Jesus, Wiki, I didn't need to know that," he groaned.

She smiled unapologetically. "Maks, there's really nothing shocking about it. These days marrying yourself is shocking. Having gay sex is not shocking at all, it's pretty normal. So congratulations, you're still boring," she said, shrugging. "You're just boringly fucking guys now instead of girls."

"I'm not fucking anyone," Maks snapped inanely.

It didn't faze her, she just grinned wider. "No, dear brother of mine, you seem to be fucking everyone," she pointed out, obnoxiously smug.

"Stop saying that," he warned her seriously, because her carefree attitude was really bothering him. His life was falling apart and here she was, laughing and having the audacity to look at him as if he was the one acting like a loon. "It's not like that, ok?"

She raised her eyebrows at his lack of chill. "Is this you being prejudiced?" she asked, sounding almost affronted.

"Is it even prejudice when you're prejudiced against yourself?" he answer her question with a question, pulling a face. Besides, he wasn't. He was ok with everything gay, really. Except himself.

The smile instantly went back on Wiki's face. "Got ya!" she squealed gleefully and Maks realized what he just said.

He rolled his eyes. "I'm not prejudiced," he informed her firmly. "Not being gay isn't homophobic," he added mockingly.

"Ok, fine, fuck the labels," she said amicably. "Though if I was you I would just consider myself bi and call it a day, no one would pester you."

Maks frowned, because what?

"Or maybe you're actually straight and Aleks is just your only exception, I've heard everyone has one person their own gender they're into..."

"I don't care about crap you've read on the internet," he cut her off tiredly.

"Hey, it was a proven, scientific theory!" she protested indignantly. "I mean, I don't know... I might have found it on tumblr," she admitted sheepishly.

Maks sighed with resignation.

"Ok, here's something that's not a theory or a hearsay, but just common sense." She got serious suddenly, looking determined. "No straight guy would have slept with another guy just out of curiosity. It's different for us girls, but for you... it's like jeopardizing your masculinity. So I don't know what you are, but straight you are not," she shrugged without a trace of doubt.

It was hard to argue with her.