Him in the Dust - Part 1 - 5. Acts of War

July 15th 2006

I had five patrols under my belt now—each one giving me more confidence. We had also begun forming light friendships with some of the other guys we went out with. I would even say I was adjusting to this way of life. The banter was good, morale high, and respect was being earned with each patrol.

I had called home a couple of times and spoken to my mum. I felt closer to her now than when I was in the UK. Strange. Maybe I needed her here more?

At times I would feel lonely. Some days I was still traumatised by my first outing. My dad said I was doing good. I was not so sure.

This world is crazy; maybe I am crazy. Will someone tell me if I am crazy?

“What are you thinking about?” Spinner asked as I peeled the label off my bottle.

“Nothing...everything.”

“Wanna share?”

“It’s just so fucked up, don't you think?”

“Your life?”

I grinned. “No stupid, this whole war. I mean, what are we doing here, really?”

“We are playing a game, my dear friend. President Bush pulls Blair’s strings. We, and our US friends, bomb this place to make Americans and us feel that we are somehow defeating terrorists. And the reason for this is to take revenge for the attacks on September 11th and the July bombings in the UK. And….”

“And?”

Spinner shrugged. “War keeps people in jobs. And….”

“Stop doing that,” I laughed, brushing his hand with mine.

“And there is oil.”

“I like you, Lukas!”

“No, you’re drunk!”

“So, I deserve to be; I killed someone!”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“We’ve done this,” I said, waving my bottle around.

“I’ve heard your sober feelings. Now I want the truth.”

My face seemed to take on a severe expression all on its own as I fixed my gaze on nowhere in particular. “I try to bury it in the pit of my stomach, but it haunts me at night.”

“Keep going.”

“I ask myself if I’m a killer. I asked myself if what I did means anything. I ask myself if that little girl we saw no longer has a daddy.” I looked at Lukas. “I mean, does anyone need to die?”

“Kiss me!”

I lurched backwards. “WHAT, no!”

“Why not?”

“Uh, because you’re a guy.”

“Will you have another drink with me?”

I sighed and downed the last of my beer. “Sure, why not?”

“Be right back.”

I looked around me, wondering how late it was. There was still a squaddie behind the bar, but it was just me, spinner and some other guy in the corner reading a book. I noticed feeling relaxed, and yeah, I guess I was a little drunk.

“You’re still here,” Lukas announced, placing two more bottles of beer down on our table.

I leaned back in my chair and smiled. “Why not? I don’t have anywhere else to be.”

“You’re not freaked out?”

“By what?”

“By me asking you to kiss me.”

I tapped Lukas’s head with my finger. “Hey, nothing surprises me that comes out of your mouth anymore.”

“So.”

“So what?” I asked, swigging on my new ice-cold bottle.

“Why don’t you tell me about yourself.”

“You know everything,” I replied, slipping down in my chair to a slouch.

“I know nothing.”

“I mean, you know everything or seem to.”

“I have opinions.”

I huffed. “So what do you wanna know?”

Lukas looked at me curiously and smiled. “Are you a virgin?”

“No!” I said defensively, screwing up my forehead.

“I can tell you are.”

“How so?” I asked, curious.

“You never talk about girls even though you say you don’t like guys. I would hazard a guess that you find girls intimidating, and so you never get close.” Lukas gasped all of a sudden.

“What?”

“You’ve had your heartbroken! That's it, isn’t it?”

“Wrong!”

“So you’re a virgin, come on, admit it to Spinner!”

“I have a question!”

“Go on.”

“Why Spinner?”

“I’ll tell you my secret if you tell me yours,” Lukas said, grabbing my chin in his hand.

I rolled my eyes. “OK, I’m a virgin. Happy now?” I slurred.

“Spinner is my nickname from school. I used to breakdance when I was a kid and could spin on my head for a full minute. No one else could in my group, so they gave me the name, and it stuck. Friends of friends started calling me it. And then I joined the Army with a friend, and he called me it, and so it spreads.”

“I like Lukas more,” I said, grinning.

“And I like you.”

I sat up in my chair as the grin faded from my face. I was drunk, and it suddenly occurred to me that I was pretty fucked.

“Lukas, I’m flattered and all that, but seriously man!”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“Well, cool because...hang on a minute, you get what?”

“That you like girls, even though you’ve never been with one.”

“So, I’m still straight.”

“What makes you think I am not?”

“Uh, duh!”

“Because I said I like you and wanted you to kiss me.”

“Well yeah, Lukas,” I nodded. “That would pretty much confirm that you’re into guys.”

“And you’re not.”

“No.”

“How come?”

“Huh?” I asked, confused.

“How come you don’t like guys?”

“Be... because they have dicks and hair and...why don't you like girls?”

“I do. I find girls incredibly attractive, and I have slept with a few as well.”

“So why hit on me if you like girls?”

Lukas leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head. “Hmm, I like challenges, and I happen to think you have an attractive personality.”

“Is that what I am, a conquest? A sick fantasy?”

“Why sick?”

“Meh, I dunno, I’m drunk. Look, I get it, okay, you like me. I’m the greatest, but….”

Lukas leaned into me and cut me off mid-sentence putting his lips on mine and exploring the inner parts of my mouth. I pulled back, shocked.

“You fucker! Ewww, you just tongued me, fucking hell Lukas.”

Lukas clapped his hands and sounded a heartfelt laugh falling back in his chair. I looked over at the squaddie behind the bar seeing he was laughing too. I was either too drunk or too dumbfounded to say anything more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 16th 2006

I awoke to jets, maybe four, flying overhead. Speaking of heads, mine was pounding like a drum on Chinese New Near. I was sweating, either from the heat, the hangover or both. It was just after seven in the morning local time. My God, what had I done? What had I said? No, it’s all coming back to me bit by bit. I was fine; it was Lukas who was not.

I peered over my bed to see him passed out on his back. His smooth bare chest was slowly moving up and down in some horrible hangover nightmare, I hoped, thinking how I’d been taken advantage of.

My thoughts were distracted by movement below me, and I swung my head over the side to see Jack awake stirring. My head almost exploded as the blood rushed to it.

“Awwww, look at you, sleepy. You look fucked!” Jack stated, grinning.

I fell on my back. “Don't! Just don’t!”

“I had to carry him back,” Lukas announced, now awake, it seemed.

“Who carried who back? You were both fucking gone. We were both asleep, and you two come rolling in at whatever time it was, making all sorts of sweet nothings to each other.” Tank interjected.

“I did not!” I barked. “I remember getting back here.”

“Like fuck, you were letting our boy here get all over you. We thought it was funny.” Jack stated.

I peered over and looked at Lukas, who was smiling.

“Oh fuck off, guys, that’s not funny,” I squealed, causing the whole room to burst out held in laughs. “Anyway, what did you two get up to last night?”

“We played pool, darts and some footie out on the runway some of the squaddies had set up. But, five aside, it was kinda surreal,” replied Jack, getting out of his bunk.

“Morning, wood alert,” Tank shouted, causing Jack to go red.

I mean, why didn’t Lukas react to that, for fucks sake? Why me? Why is all the attention on me? Here’s a guy sporting a fat boner and yet nothing but an innocent giggle; what gives? I thought to myself, hoping down out of my bunk.

I went straight to one of the small cupboards where we kept our water, Lukas’s cigs and some other paraphernalia and felt around for a box of Paracetamol, almost tripping over Jack as I turned around.

“Jesus, Jack, just go to the toilet with that thing,” I barked as his obvious erection brushed my thigh.

“He got closer than me,” Lukas announced to Tank, causing a sniggering grunt from the both of them.

“You guys finished hazing me? If so, I'm going for a shower... ALONE!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the second day of our rest cycle, and I was tempted to spend all of it in my bunk nursing my delicate body and head. I had eaten in the mess hall, and news must have got around to my drunkenness the previous night as a few of the guy’s wolf-whistled me while I had sat for breakfast. It was nothing nasty. I mean, did I expect them to be hostile? Why should I, when I did nothing, except let a straight gay guy kiss me. Fuck sake!

Showered, dressed and somewhat fresher, I was on my way back to our bunk, lost in thought about myself... Selfishly.
Lukas was right to some extent; I was labelling him, but what label was I supposed to use? He didn’t exactly explain it to me very well. But I was also confused. His question about girls did hit home, and his guess I was a virgin was correct. Who was I?

After thinking about this for some time, I arrived back and found Lukas writing something in a small book which he quickly put away as I entered.

“Not like you to be shy; where are the others?”

“Jack is showering, and Tank is doing laundry,” Lukas replied.

“What’s in the book?”

“It’s private?”

“Not in here it’s not, c’mon tell me.”

Lukas slowly pulled out the moleskin book and sighed. “It’s just a diary. I like to write things in it.”

“Yeah, Lukas, that's what you do in a diary. So why hide it?”

“Because it’s private. It’s my inner thoughts, my memories, my fears, my worries and my passions. You know, stuff like that?”

“Don’t linger on the passion word; it makes me nervous,” I said, sitting on Jack’s bunk below mine.

Lukas put the book down and shifted on his elbow. “Enjoy your first guy kiss last night?”

I gave him a scathing look. “Must you tease me? What you did was out of order.”

“Oh, be quiet, we were both drunk, and it was a bit of fun.”

“Well, fun, you might think, but whoever was in the bar last night saw what you did, and now I’m getting whistled at in the mess hall. Don’t you think I should have been consulted before you plunged your tongue into my mouth on a fucking military base?”

“Whoa, calm down Sebbie, it was just a little kiss.”

I shook my head. “You’re hopeless; you know that. When will you give up with this?”

Lukas fell onto his back, letting his head then fall in my direction. “You know I love the chase.”

“Go chase someone else... Like a girl, if you’re supposedly straight.”

“Did I say I was straight? I thought I said I was not gay.”

“Same difference, and yeah, you did say you were straight. I remember even if you don’t.”

“Awww, little Sebbie is trying to take the moral high ground even though he was so out of it I had to winch you back here.”

“What do you want? Just tell me?”

“But where is the fun in that? Much better to not know, huh?”

I looked at his stupid smile and rolled my eyes, storming off to take a piss. God, he was frustrating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 20th 2006

Today turned out to be a bad day—typical patrol. We went about a mile from the base and talked to some locals who told us that a suicide bomber was on the prowl. Two explosions went off to the east. It's funny; you start running, but you're scared to step on a pressure pad, and when the explosions first go off, you freeze for that split second. Then you start patrolling again a little faster. They started firing from across the bank today. We need better weapons. Every one of the SA80s stopped firing after one round, but these weapons are a load of shit.

“Tank, this gun is jamming, for fuck sake,” I whispered as we crouched behind a shattered building - Probably a shop once upon a time.

“Here, give it to me.” Tank said, putting the safety on and banging it on the dusty gravel floor. “Hopefully, that has unjammed it.”

“Fucking weapons are crap. So who’s designing this heap of junk? Lukas, over here.”

“Commanders need to be asking for a better weapons system. And why don't the army have more sniffer dogs? We would be finding IEDs a lot easier with a furry friend running about, and a lot more lives would be saved,” Lukas moaned as we hear more gunfire.

“Since I've been here, I haven't seen one dog,” Jack added, peering around the corner of the building.

There was more gunfire! It was, getting closer now. I pulled Jack back, and we all jumped through a broken window inside the building. Sergeant Bennet, who was with us that day, was calling for backup on the radio but was told none was available.

Through another window, I got my binoculars out. I spotted what looked to be a sniper around 700 feet away. He was crouching behind some kind of compound, putting his head up to get his bearings. Jack and Lukas came over with their binoculars and spotted the cunt. We eyed his scoped weapon. Lukas fired a single round and hit him in the head. We waited to see if he had anyone with him. After ten minutes, we engaged another gunman and hit him centre mass. Both kills were confirmed by one of our Apache helicopters.

Later one man ran forward and recovered the body from the compound. I watched him through the sight of my gun but didn't engage. He was unarmed and was committing a brave act. He might have been the enemy, but I wouldn't kill a medic, and I suppose I saw him as the same as Lukas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We got back to back to Bastion. Our Commanding officer says we did a good job. Now I'm exhausted. I want to go home!

“Wanna come Naafi for a snack?” I asked the guys.

“Will they have the news on. I wanna watch the news.” Lukas asked.

“Tank, you coming?”

“Nah, you guys go.”

“Jack?”

“Why not? It’s been a shitter of a day, and I need a distraction.”

Lukas had a text come through while we walked to the Naafi. “What’s up? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” I asked as we all stopped.

“Somebody has been killed in an explosion. I just realised it was someone from my old dorm back in the UK. He was a great guy; I was only talking to him a little while back. Unfortunately, he got killed searching for IEDs. I just hope he was killed instantly and didn't suffer.”

“Jesus!” was all I could say. The war suddenly felt even more real. I felt like we were pushing them back, but more just filled the space. Taliban ideology reminded me of the Japanese in World War Two. I was not there of course, but my dad said they just fought to the death for Japan. Life didn't have a meaning. It was for the Empire. To be that brainwashed... to face an enemy that brainwashed scared the shit out of me. An enemy that puts no value on their life. That makes them dangerous fuckers.

“He volunteered to go on this tour. Fucking Taliban CUNTS!” Lukas shouted, now shaking. Jack pulled him into a hug. I wanted to as well. I felt useless.

Just as we started to carry on walking, the tannoy began blaring. The voice asked anyone with blood types O and A+ to report to the medical wing to give blood.

“That’s me,” Jack announced. “I’m O.”

“What the fuck is going on?” I asked, getting scared.

“Gordon Brown can talk whatever shit he wants. He is a politician, not a soldier. The boys here know the reality of it all.” Lukas suddenly blurted, walking off. I followed. Bumped fists with Jack, and he went off in a different direction.

“Lukas, wait for me!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

We got to the Naafi and saw a bunch of guys all huddled around the small TV that was screwed to the wall. The news was scrolling breaking events. Seven of our guys had been blown up in a Viking vehicle, and one had turned his gun on his mate. I fell into a chair, and tears started rolling down my cheeks as I watched on. Lukas came over and crouched down, his hands on my knees.

“Get it together, soldier!” Lukas barked at me. I reacted a little and tried to focus.

“They...they were just kids like us.”

“All we can hope is those heroes died instantly. Then, they will be repatriated back to their families. But, this is war Seb, and I promise, for those seven guys, 21 Taliban brains are going to get blown all over the floor.”
I took Lukas’s hand in mine and squeezed it tight, swallowing hard. “I feel like I’m going fucking crazy.”

“No, you’re probably experiencing a mild anxiety attack. Focus on my voice. You’re going to be okay.”

“Can...can we go back to the tent.”

“Sure, We’ll play cards, yeah. Take your mind off things.”

“Right, yeah uh, anything. Can you get me some water, please?”

“Sure, bro, anything. Just sit there, okay. Just breathe, nice and slow. I’ll be right back.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We got back to our bunk. I’d expected Jack to be still gone, but where was Tank? So once again, it was just Lukas and me, and I threw myself on Jack’s bed.

“Sorry about earlier; I’m normally pretty calm.”

“Talk to me.”

I propped myself on my elbow and pulled at my fatigues. “I dunno, it all just got to me. In that split second, all of this. It just got in my head.”

“All of this?”

“The killing. Us killing them, them killing us.”

Lukas rested his arms on his knees and leaned forward, looking intently at me. “Seb? When you put a bullet through a Taliban head, what do you feel?”

I was about to speak straight away but stopped, feeling whatever I was about to say was not thought through. I paused, looked at the floor and really thought about it. “I...I guess I feel sad?”

“Why?”

“Do you want the deep answer?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“I feel sad because I wonder why these people do the things they do, think the way they think and oppress the people they oppress. And then I feel sad that we have to kill them.
And then, I feel sad that anyone has to kill anyone.”

“So is their way of life right, or ours?”

“I know what you’re trying to do.”

“What? We’re having a conversation.”

“No, you’re trying to convert me to your floating non-boxed version of life. I firmly believe our way of life is right. We don’t murder women and children because they have different beliefs to us.”

“Don’t we?”

“NO!”

“We murder people all the time, Seb! Through poverty, through injustice, Through poorly thought through laws!”

“You’re being fickle. I mean directly. And anyway, why are you defending these animals?”

“I’m not. Sure, their beliefs are disgusting, immoral, evil and medieval. But like all societies run by governments, cults or sects, they have been brainwashed into thinking a certain way. You, for instance, have probably been brainwashed to believe that your beloved Winston Churchill was a hero.”

“Hang on, he was!” I said defensively.

“He was also a racist, hated woman… oh, and he blew up half the French Navy deliberately, our ally. Those parts they don’t teach you.

“Look, This conversation has got us nowhere.”

“It has so. Your heart rate is now at a lower level, you have stopped shaking, and I would imagine you feel much better. Distractions take on many forms - Including conversations that stir up defensiveness in a person.”

I tilted my head. “You really are….”

“A genius?” Lukas cut in, starting to smile.

“A fucker!”

“Get undressed and get in a hours’ nap; we’re all exhausted, I’m certain.”

“You’re right,”

“I’m always right.”

I looked up at him and was about to try and score the last word, but Lukas was right. I was just too bloody tired!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was awoken by Tank and Jack laughing as they entered our bunk. I must have gone out like a light as I don’t even remember falling asleep after I’d got out of my fatigues and heaved up onto my bed.

“Look at you two lazy fuckers,” Tank shouted in his deep burly voice. “You just missed an epic game of footie. We won 8-2, and one of the guys got punched in the face.”

“Yeah, and Tank had to step in. I think he single-handedly stopped an imminent brawl from happening.”

Tank threw his arms in the air before folding them and nodding confidently. I noted it was a similar pose Mussolini used to strike during one of his famous speeches. I cleared the random thought from my head and put a hand up to say, well done. Tank slapped it before taking off his boots.

“SO what you two been up to then?” Tank asked, clicking our fan up to max speed.

“Well, we were sleeping until you guys ended that,” Lukas said.

“I mean before that!”

I looked at Lukas, not wanting him to reveal I’d had a mini-meltdown at the Naafi. I gently shook my head. He got the hint,

“Well, we just went to the Naafi for a snack, as you know, then came back here and chatted for a bit.”

“Chatted?” Jack asked, suspicious.

“Yes, Jack, chatted. We had a conversation.”

“You know, you two spend a LOT of time together. Anything you wanna tell us?” Jack asked, grinning.

Lukas Nodded. “Yes, Jack, we are sleeping together, and I have proposed to Seb.”

I almost threw up. “He’s kidding, of course.”

“Anyway,” Lukas continued. “I could say the same about you two.”

“Man, you think I could handle him? He’s way too dominant! Nope, it just wouldn’t work between us.” Jack shot back playfully.

Tank looked almost proud, before adding, “Oh, cut the crap Jack, It would be a simple relationship. I’d make you my bitch and make you choke on my dick. You’d have to shave your hairy ass, though.”

“Guys, please. Can we sort of not have this banter?” I asked, grimacing.

“Uptight,” was all Jack said, thumbing at me. “The sexually oppressed usually are.”

I looked at Lukas. “You’re fucking enjoying this, aren’t you?” I said, frowning.

“Hey, I didn’t start any of this.”

I flung my arms apart. “Guys, I am not sexually frustrated; I like girls, and I am quite comfortable with my sex drive, okay?”

The tent fell into silence as the three guys just looked at me.

“Uh, I dunno what made you have that outburst, Seb, but I don’t think any of us needed any clarification, my friend,” Tank said softly.

I huffed. “Well, I just saying, okay?”

“Sure pal, message received.”

“And you can fuck off as well,” I barked at a now giggling Lukas.

“Erm, anyone for cards?” Jack asked, his tone so innocent it was sickly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 am or just after was what time I woke up. It was now almost 4 am, and I was still lying here. I was hot, wide awake, my mind buzzing, going from topic to topic. Oh, and my dick was telling me I was a little bit horny.

I reached down into my boxers and squeezed my penis which had been inflating and deflating every ten minutes it felt. Then, as quietly as I could, and with military efficiency, I jerked myself off, managing to cum in around a minute and a half. No visual help, no imagination to use. Just through pure need, I got myself off. It was enjoyable but probably the most uneventful wank I’d had for a long time. It just needed to be done.

With my sexual needs now answered, I jumped down stealthily from my bunk and found one of my white standard-issue t-shirts lying on the floor. With my boxers down to my knees, I scooped us the mess, which was now getting runny and cleaned myself up. I looked around.
Good, the three guys were still sleeping soundly.

I pulled on some shorts, left myself shirtless and headed out to the bathroom for a piss before continuing to the nearest exit and into the mild cool Afghan air. The dark blue sky and gentle breeze that met me was soothing from the stuffy tent where I slept each night.

The base was quiet as I looked over the runway and off towards the boundary. A solitary C17 plane sat in darkness, parked up for repairs, I imagined. To my right was the humming of air conditioners supplied for the officer’s tents, eating areas and executive rooms. Us gunners had no such luxury.

“Hello you!” came a voice. It sounded familiar. I turned around.

“Luke!” What the hell, man. Of all the people up at this time of night and I see you.

He hugged me. “You good?”

“Yeah, just wide awake. What are you doing up and dressed?” I asked.

“I got guard duty for two weeks, just walking around and saying hello to the other guys out here.”

“I don’t see anyone.”

“You won’t; that’s the point, but they’re out there.”

“Never thought about it actually, been too busy out and about hunting Taliban.”

“They keep you safe on the base. With those guards around, nobody gets in or out without them being alerted.” Luke said, pointing all over the place as he spoke.

“So, how did you get guard duty?”

“I volunteered to my sergeant,” he shrugged. “Why do you fancy it?”

“Standing around in one place is not my thing. I need to be doing something.”

“I get you. So you made some good friends?”

“Ahh yeah, Tank, Jack and Lukas. We’re pretty tight. You?”

“A couple. Harry and Dan are my bunk buddies. I sort of knew them, but now we spend a lot of time together, as you do, I guess when you’re in that environment.”

“You sound unhappy.”

“Just a bit homesick. Oh, and Dan farts in his sleep.” I laughed out loud, holding my stomach. “Seriously, Seb, he fucking farts all night. Some are so loud they wake both Harry and me up. I love the guy, but some nights I just don’t get enough sleep.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. Luckily my three bunk buddies don’t have many bad habits. But Tank will jerk off even if we are awake or not. You get used to it. I guess some people are more open than others.”

“I’d rather have a live jerker than a sleeping farter,” Luke exclaimed, running his hand through his hair.

I smirked. “Anyway, I can see the light coming from the east; it will be dawn soon. So I’m gonna get back in. It’s good to see you.”

We pumped fists. “And you, my friend. You take care out there.”

“And you,” I repeated, pursing my lips.

I walked back into our conjoined maze of tents and headed back to my bunk. Everyone was still asleep, with Tank lightly snoring, and I silently got back on my top bunk. Adjusting my pillows, I got comfortable and was relieved that my mind felt clearer, enabling me to drift back off, which I must have done.