Him in the Dust - Part 1 - 6. Hot and Cold

July 27th 2006

The guys stationed with our battalion have turned up for the repatriation ceremony of our friend, hero and fellow infantry soldier. It's sad, and he is so young. Later another five soldiers are being repatriated as well. Blair has spent all Brown’s money on new bomb-proofish vehicles, but you've still got four boys with metal detectors out at the front of it and one commanding them. Sometimes I just don't get it. We need to invest in better bomb-detection equipment and get more dogs out there. Surely there is something that we can use to trigger bombs off early?

I heard through the grapevine that one guy was so severely injured he was in three pieces. I don’t know why anyone would want to announce that to other boys out there. The image formed has invaded my mind. I think about what would happen if I saw that. What if it was one of our foursome. What if it was me. Would I die instantly? Would it hurt?

I try not to overthink. Thinking is not good when you’re out here. It does things to you that starts eating away at you - like some cancer that just gets more intense. I can slowly feel a tremor coming over me but snap out of it, trying to be brave and respectful.

I stand on the runway, watching as a coffin draped in our National flag is loaded into a plane. I feel depressed. Demotivated. I wonder why I’m here. Lukas is standing next to me and gently brushes my hand with his.

“Must you?” I whispered, feeling the silence all around me.

“I’m worried about you.”

“You’re not my keeper.”

“Talk to me!”

“Not here.”

With the ceremony complete, the day didn’t get better. We get told that a checkpoint guard spotted two Taliban lying prone and digging on the track where we keep getting hit—planting more IED’s no doubt. Then with all the fussing about, we decided to only fire warning shots at them. Another wasted opportunity, I wanted them dead... The fact is we have Taliban conducting patrols 800m away from our base, and they are not getting touched. Why are we not smashing these patrols to pieces? Why are snipers not being used to counter the threat? It makes me fucking mad.

Tannoy for blood went off again. Another lad was killed in an explosion and one injured.

I head back to my tent...alone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was half-awake in my thoughts but half asleep in a lucid sketch in my mind, able to control what was happening. It was a welcome relief from what I saw today and what I was hearing. Right now, I was thinking of home, in the garden with Nanna. I was helping her to plant tomatoes in our vegetable patch. I can feel the warm sun on my face as we dig small holes in the earth.

My current lucidity was broken when I heard footsteps walking into our tent.

“Who is it?” I asked, lying on my bunk, not bothering to crane my neck.

“Me.”

“Oh, Lukas. Why aren't you playing football with the rest.”

“We need to talk.”

“About what?”

“You,” he said. I heard the springs on his bed creak as he lay down. I finally decided to look over the side of my bunk and meet his gaze.

“Gonna hit on me again?”

“We’ll be a couple soon; I can see you buckling, and besides, no one cares for you as I do.”

“Fuck off, Lukas, I’m not in the mood for your bullshit.”

“You need to talk to me.”

I glared at him and sat up. “I don't need to DO anything, Lukas.”

“Your mind is so fragmented. You are not eating properly. You are limping. You don't socialise with us, and you never smile. I’d say you need to talk to me.”

“I have a crick in my back from the last patrol; it’s nothing.”

“It’s hurting you. Why don't you go to the medical centre and see a physio?”

“Why are you so interested in my well-being?”

“Because I happen to think a lot of you and more.”

“And more,” I asked, already knowing all about this but intrigued.

“Will you let me take care of you?”

“No homo?”

“I can't promise.” Lukas signed. “Do you know how frustrating you are? Just give it up.”

“Give what up,” I asked, jumping down from my bunk, yelping. I got a bottle of water from the cupboard.

“Take your shirt off and shorts and lay on my bed.”

I turned back and looked at him, taking a swig from the now open bottle. “Not on your life!”

Lukas tilted his neck. “Seb, I’ve seen everything, you forget!”

“Anyway, why?”

“Because I am a medic and want to take a look at you.”

“I’m fine.”

“DO as I tell soldier, or I will recommend you are not fit for duty!”

“You wouldn't dare!”

“Get undressed, soldier, so I can examine you.”

Lukas looked serious. Like a seriousness I had seen before, but he usually teased me after a short time. But not this time. His stern face was making me undress, and I didn’t want to.

On his bed I lay down on my front. He sat on the edge, and I could feel him looking me over. I was sure there was a sexual dimension to this, but what the hell, I was on his bed now, almost naked and not about to ignore his medical assertiveness.

“Massive knot, right above the left kidney, just below the rib.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I can get it out, but it will hurt.”

“How bad.”

“You’ll probably scream.”

“Just do what you gotta dooOOO AHHHHRRRRHHHH, FUCKING SHIT!”

“Easy, easy. Breathe Seb. Nice deep breath and then out as much as you can.”

“PhewwwAHHHHHGGGGGRRRR HRUUUM. Holy shit!”

“Nearly there; keep breathing; I’m gonna push it out.”

“Okay, phew, okay. AAAAARRRRHHHHH FUCKING...Oh my God, SHIIIITTT!”

“There, it’s out.”

“Fuck I am in so much pain!”

“Just lay there for a moment; it will pass. I’m going to massage gently to help get the muscle less angry.”

I felt Lukas gently use his hands to rub around the painful areas with great care. It was surprisingly soothing, and then he asked me to turn over.

“What's up? He asked, turn over; I need to see the connecting tissue.”

“Erm, well, I can't right now.”

Lukas looked at me strangely. “You ok?”

“Yeah, fine!” I uttered quickly.

Lukas began to smile. “You’re hard, aren't you? You have a fucking boner!”

“Okay, you got me, so what!”

Lukas reeled his neck back and laughed, looking at me. “Well, I know I have healing hands, but I’m flattered.”

“Look, it’s...well, it’s an affliction I have.”

“What is?”

God, this is embarrassing, I thought. “Well, sorta….erm, well, when I experience bad pain, I get an erection. I always have since I was a kid.”

“Oh, wow. Okay, well, now I’m pretty insulted. So here’s me thinking I might have turned you on?”

“Very funny! Just give me a minute, okay?”

“Sure thing. In fact, I'm going to the med unit to get some heat packs. Hopefully, your cock will have played ball by then.”

Before I could say a word, Lukas walked out of our tent, and I was alone again, laying on his bed in more pain than I was just moments ago. I continued to lay there, knocking my feet up and banging my heels on my arse and then down again.

Just then, I felt something on my foot and craned my neck round to see what it was.

Lukas’s diary!

Now I know I shouldn’t. I mean, I know it’s terrible, but I couldn't stop myself. I shifted around and sat up, grabbing the moleskin book in my hands. I flicked through random pages.

Today I met the most beautiful looking boy. Just moved dorms. He looks scared and vulnerable. He’s stunning. I must get near him.

He said hello today. It felt electric. He’s got such a lovely voice. It’s warm and so cute!

I flicked through a few more pages. There were just entries filled with stuff about me. I read on, a few pages through,

His name is Seb! Cute name. He’s definitely straight. Such a sexy thought. I just want to cuddle him. He looks lost, but he’s assertive and intelligent. Fuck me. It’s so attractive.
I need him. I want him. What will I do if he says no?

Watched him sitting in full fatigues today on a truck, holding a gun. He’s deep in thought. I just want to talk to him. He seems lost in thought. That face. That beautiful blond hair. I love the way his soft stubble lays on his face, shining in the sun. So blond. Sharp piercing blue eyes. Fuck me, those eyes tell a million stories.

He doesn't notice me. I’m not sure if we’re friends. I’m pushing too hard.

I heard footsteps getting nearer and shoved the book back down the side of his bed, and tried to replicate my previous position.

“Here, I got four. Let me put this on you; it will help the pain. Do you mind?”

“If I did?”

“I like you too much not to help you.”

“Uh, Yeah, evidently,” I muttered under my breath.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“Nothing!”

Lukas slowly pulled on the waistband of my boxers and placed a heat pad on the area he’d recently left me in excruciating pain!

“So, how was my diary?”

I coughed involuntarily. “Uh...erm, what?”

“My diary. How much did you read?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“First, you’re a bad liar. Second, I left it slightly hanging out, and now it is out of sight.”

“I must have moved it with my foot?”

“You read it, and I wanted you to. By reading it, you would see how I feel about you, and I wanted that to sit with you for a while. Right now, you are wondering whether to carry on lying to me or just come clean and say you read it. Once you admit it, I'd be interested to know how my written feelings about you made you feel.”
With my heat pad getting to work, I sat up on Lukas’s bed, with him sitting beside me and let out a big sigh.

“I read a little okay?”

“And.”

“And what, I’ve told you I just don't feel that way about you. And yeah, okay, I admit it. I was flattered that you like me. But...I mean, I like your company and enjoy our conversations when you aren’t analysing me, but it stops there. I can’t force myself to feel what you want me to fe….

“Do you think I’m good looking?” Lukas interrupted.

I looked him directly in the eyes. “Honestly, I have never really thought about it, but yes, okay, I think you are good looking.”

“Are you saying that because you think I am or because you think it’s what I want to hear?”

“Uh, well, erm, No, I do think you are good looking. You have a nice body and a nice face, and I think many people would be lucky to have you.”

Lukas paused. “And what if I didn’t want anyone. What if I only wanted to be with one person?”

“Then it all depends on whether that person wants to be with you, and you need to respect that maybe they don’t.”

“Hmm, good answer, and logical.”

“So, do you know when Jack and Tank are back?”

“Why, so we can pop your cherry?”

I blushed. I fucking blushed. “Lukas, you are something else.”

“But you love me, right?”

“Of course I do,” I said, squeezing his knee and regretting it, realising the fucking obvious.

“It hurts when I hear you say that. My mind imagines that you mean it in a way that I know you don’t.”

“And...and I hurt because I’m hurting you, and I don’t know what to do.”

Lukas smiled. “Give in?”

“Jesus, you are relentless!”

Lukas kissed me on the cheek, making me chuckle. “What?” he asked. Then, banging my knee with his.

“I was just thinking. Out on patrol. You do make me feel safe.”

“That’s my job, and I enjoy looking out for you. It’s as close as I can get.”

“You got it bad for me, huh?”

“Lukas stood up and faced me. “It’s funny. If anyone else in the whole world had just said that, I would have barked at them and said, don’t fucking flatter yourself.”

“But you didn't”

“No, Seb, because I’d be lying. Yeah, I got it bad for you, and I was thinking. Well, maybe I should request an accommodation change. I mean, it’s easily done. There are spare bunks everywhere, so I'm told.”

“You would leave?”

“Seeing you here...normally undressed. That lazy blond James Dean gaze you have. It’s fucking killing me. Each day is a battle not to just lunge at you and kiss you and hold you and make sure you’re okay.”

“I like you, Lukas. I mean, it’s fucking weird having this conversation with you. It’s not something I have ever had to deal with before. I mean...well, I’ve never had another boy tell me they like me or do what you are doing.

“Ca...can I touch you?”

I looked at Lukas, perplexed. “Where?”

“Just hold you?”

“What here...like now?”

“Why not? We’re alone.”

“That almost sounds seedy,” I said, giggling nervously.

Lukas placed his hand in mine, pulled me up to a standing position, and into a gentle hug. I was expecting this to be a rather uncomfortable and weird experience. But actually, It felt nice. Some people are just good huggers, and Lukas certainly was.

With his cheek resting on mine, we just stood there. I even closed my eyes just to see what I would feel. It was okay.

“How do you feel,” Lukas whispered as we stood in silence.

I smirked. I was not knowing why. “Safe,” I said after a few seconds. “I feel safe.”

“Good,” was all he replied. “Do you want me to let go?”

I hesitated. I was enjoying this. For Lukas, I realised it was for a different reason from me, but as a tear ran down my cheek, I didn’t have time to reply as the wetness must have touched his cheek.

“No. No, I don’t want you to let go.”

Lukas started gently swaying us, brought his hand up to my cheek, and wiped the tear away before looking into my eyes.

“Tell me.” He said, seriousness in his expression.

I sighed. “This hug. It’s...well, it’s nice, and I got upset because No one has ever shown me much emotion before. So I just got a bit overwhelmed.

Lukas pulled me back in and gently rubbed my back. “Everyone needs a bit of love now and again. I’m glad you let me do this.”

“Can I try...you know, to see how it feels? I mean, I guess you want to anyway, but I might not like it; I just wanna try.”

Lukas pulled away and looked at me again. “Try what?”

“I’ll kiss you, okay? I’m not saying it’s gonna happen again, but I’ll try. And...and if I feel nothing, then you have to let this go.”

Lukas pushed me away and walked out of the tent, leaving me standing there utterly bemused and confused. “What the fuck!” I muttered.