Come Back To Us - 22. Chapter 22

The sun was just rising as he came back to the station.

The dorms were already empty. He remained for a long while sitting still on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest. He wished he could just stop thinking and reminiscing, not only about this but anything. But this meant dying.

He kept glancing at the door every five minutes or so. Jørgen would end up coming back sooner or later. Since they shared the same dorms, it would be impossible to avoid him. But then he remembered what the Lieutenant General had told him when he had first arrived.

“Well, if you have a problem, or if you need anything, just come and find me. You will always be welcome.”

He could come and take shelter in his room for a as long as he needed, even if he had to sleep on the floor, he didn’t care. But he should remain as discreet as possible, which wouldn’t be such and easy thing.

But could he tell him about that? Well, he had already talked to him about George, his weird visions, and had asked him what love really was. So he guessed he could tell him about that too, even if it wouldn’t change anything about the whole thing.

Or he could just remain there and keep silent and just pretend this had never happened. The man could understand. He wouldn’t force him to talk if he didn’t feel like sharing what was supposed to be private.

He finally stood up to go to his classes which he was supposed to have that afternoon, if there wasn’t any bad surprise planned, but then realized he wasn’t wearing his uniform anymore….He left it there, and Jørgen would probably bring it back to him.

Or….he could try to go and ask for another one. But what would he say to justify his request? What kind of excuse would he make up? This definitely wasn’t serious and worth of a RAF member….

Or he could skip his classes and say he wasn’t feeling well, which wouldn’t be lying. He felt he wouldn’t be able to pay attention to anything he would be told. So what would be the point in attending them if he couldn’t stay focused for even one minute? But this would be even less serious…

He decided to leave the room and as he was wandering into the hallways he came across Edgar.

“Hey, are you okay?” The English male asked him as their eyes met. He looked genuinely concerned about him.

His head was still aching. Sometimes, it just became too hard to pretend.

“Could you do something for me?”

His voice was monotonous and low as he spoke. Edgar looked troubled.

“Yeah, sure. Anything you need.”

“It’s about Jørgen. Could you get him busy so I will not have to see him?”

He looked quite puzzled and surprised by his question. Well, he couldn’t blame him.

“What do you mean exactly? You want us to send him on a mission, don’t you?”

No, a mission meant danger. Even if they weren’t there to do needlework. That’s not what he wanted.

“No. Just get him busy.”

He kept staring at him with wary eyes, probably trying to figure out what was on his mind.

“Has something happened between you two?”

He didn’t think he could tell him about that. It wasn’t against him, but he didn’t have that special bond which he had with the Lieutenant General. Bt it would be hard to make a good lie.

“No.” This wasn’t a great start… “I just do not want to become too….” He became silent. He thought about the word he was looking for, but he couldn’t find it. He could only think about it Danish.

knyttet til (attached)

He tried to think about a way to word it differently, but couldn’t come up with anything at all. He hoped maybe he would understand what he wanted to say with his facial expression. But he couldn’t read his mind, let alone understand Danish…

Edgar raised one eyebrow.

“You don’t want to become what?”

He kept silent as his look was insistent.

“You know…” he tried to make gestures with his hands, but he soon realized this wasn’t helping at all…

His face was amid of bewilderment and slight irritation.

“No, I don’t. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be asking you.”

“Yes, I’m sure you do. You’re skarp.”

He was more than confused now.

“I’m what?”

“You’re skarp.”

Smart.

It took him a little while to male out what he meant.

“You mean sharp, don’t you?”

“Yeah. See?”

He faked a smile because he was definitely not feeling like smiling, let alone teasing.

They both kept silent as if they both hadn’t any more important things to do.

“Huh, yeah. You know what? Never mind. Just tell me what happened. You had an argument with him, didn’t you? I won’t be able to help you if don’t provide me with a minimum of information.”

He wasn’t going to tell him. He couldn’t.

“Don’t ask questions. You would not like the answer.”

He looked like he was oemwpat scared by the low and threatening tone he used. The silence dragged on for another while.

“Fine. I’ll speak to the Group Captain.”

“Thanks.”

He meant it.

“Just one other thing…”

“Let me guess, you need a new uniform for today?”

He was sure he had guessed somehow. He knew he wasn’t dumb.

“Yeah.” A pause. “Please.”

The silence was becoming habit awkward, at least for him.

“Come with me.”

He followed him without another word.

*

Once the afternoon was over, he went to find the Lieutenant General. He sat on his bed without sparing him a single glance.

“What’s up? Is it about that boy again?” He paused for a few instants. “George? Is that it?”

No, please don’t mention him. He wasn’t welcome in that oncoming conversation which he didn’t want to start.

“No,” it came hardly above a whisper.

There was a long silence that followed his answer. He stared at his feet as he kept remembering that crazy night. But then his mind wandered to George…Had the same kind of thing happened to him? Had he met someone else worthy enough to win his heart?

Wait-

He had already thought about something similar, right? For some unexplainable reason, not knowing was killing him inside. He clenched his fist and jaw as he tried to shake off the thought.

He froze. He wasn’t getting jealous, right ?

“Does it have anything to do with one of the men here?”

Was it so obvious to guess?

He didn’t feel like speaking, but if he didn’t get it off his chest, it would end up eating him up. He still waited for a long while before he did.

“It’s about Jørgen. Yesterday we went out for my birthday, but then we drank.” He paused. “But then we ended up having sex as the sky was darkening.”

He didn’t even care about the man’s reaction. He didn’t bother to look up at him.

As he went from revelation to revelation, he realised there wasn’t much he had to lose anyway. The man could think whatever he wanted about him. He wasn’t going to concern himself with other people’s opinions. That’s what his father had always told him. Don’t care about what the others say about you. You should live for yourself and your loved ones, not for other people who are not related to you. Some people may disappoint or deceive you, but you’ll always be able to rely on your family and to trust them.

But then he remembered what the man had said to him when he had spoken to him about George.

“It’s alright, you know. It doesn’t really matter whether it’s a male or a female when you think about it more deeply. You fall in love with a mind, a personality, or maybe even a soul, not with genital parts.”

He had never thought his words through. He had rather thought that he had said that to reassure him because he felt pity for him. But those words were full of meaning. This was a clear difference between love and attraction.

“And so you regret it?”

Had he just said that because he didn’t find anything better to come up with?

“He has a girlfriend.”

“But you were both drunk. And most people can do stupid things when they’re drunk.”

He must have spoken from experience, he guessed.

“No. You never get drunk enough to have sex with a friend of yours. And I wasn’t that drunk. I should have stopped him.”

“This is no big deal. It’s not as if you had killed someone. “ He paused. “I mean someone innocent.”

Karl started losing his composure. Slowly, his mouth fell open and the grip of his hand tightened on his wrist. He could feel his pulse vibrating under his fingers. His brow twitched a bit.

“I…I just can’t understand…It happened all of a sudden…We were having a good time… but I’d never thought it would lead to that…”

“Hey, hey, calm down. That’s alright.”

“No, it’s not!” He shot back. “This should have never happened.”

They both remained silent for a while afterwards.

“I…I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right…Having sex with another person when you already love someone else.” He paused to think. “Unless it is not love. But then what it is? Mere attraction? Then what was it we had last night?” He paused again. “Anyway, it doesn’t feel right.”

He kept looking down as he spoke. But he could imagine the man’s facial expression as if he were looking at him.

“Stop feeling so guilty. This wasn’t your fault. This doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“Would you say the same thing if your wife did the same thing to you?”

Just to see if he was right or not, he glanced in his direction. Good guess. His facial expression was just like what he had already seen before.

There was again that same look on his face; sheer shock hardening his features. The silence dragged on for a long while, making it look like they were both sulking.

“Listen. Everyone makes mistakes, whether they are small or big. We can’t be perfect, you know. We’re only human beings.”

Karl thought his words through. He had a point. But because human beings were not perfect, they had this way of remaining bitter through time and not forgiving easily when they were wronged. Unless they were women like Mrs. Hopkins. Maybe his girlfriend was.

“Do you have feelings for him?”

“No! No!”

He scratched the palm of his left hand as his thumb held the back of it, in slow but rough movements. But his nails weren’t that long anyway.

“It didn’t feel the same way as it did with George. And not just because I drank a little. And I don’t dream about him.”

Jørgen was just a good friend. His best friend. Someone whom he could rely on when needed; And even if he could make hime easily smile, he knew it would never be the same as it was with George, no matter how hard he would try to believe the contrary.

“So it may be that you two share a bond that binds you together beyond this life…it may be that you both are not aware of it.”

A bond that bound them together beyond this life…So in others after theirs deaths? This meant this would never end… But if it had had a beginning in whatever time, it had to end one day…No…? Would their souls never have a right to rest after so long?

He didn’t know whether he should consider this possibility as some good news or not…. Death was scary, but living over and over again was a crazy thought. Having to start everything again every time….this sounded weird…

“Then we should believe in reincarnation?”

Their gazes met, grave and thoughtful.

Or was it just to have another chance? Could it mean that all people who were born at a given time were just reincarnations of people who had already lived before? Who were all just starting everything again in a better world?

“I’m not saying anyone should believe in it. It’s just like worshipping a God no one has ever seen except those who claim to have in ancient written works. You’re free to believe in it or not. This is your choice, and no one should ever impose their beliefs to other people. That’s what indoctrination is.”

Karl thought his words through once again. Then that was what the Nazis were doing from what he’d been told. And that’s why he had chosen to come there. It all made sense to him. He could only agree.

“Except this thing of an unbreakable bond between two people and weird visions, what can makes us think someone is a reincarnation of someone else?”

They exchanged another look.

“Wisdom.”

“But I don’t think I am. I mean…I don’t know…”

“If you have the knowledge of a thousand years hidden within yourself, even without knowing it, you will always be much wiser than anyone living on this planet.”

He may have been mistaken about himself then. He thought he knew nothing while all those things he wished he knew may have been somewhere hidden in his mind, waiting for someone to bring them back to life.

After some more time of thinking, his thoughts shifted back to Jørgen and the previous night.

He started again scratching the palm of his hand with his nails, his jaw clenched and his lips pressed into a thin line. He would have to let some time pass before he could find the courage to ask for some explanation.

“Can I stay here for this night?”

The man looked surprised, and he just wished he wouldn’t say no.

“Yes…sure,” he looked hesitant. “I will manage to make some room for you.”

“And all the next nights too?”

Maybe he should have waited before asking that….The man looked deep in thought for a little while.

“You know you will have to face him about that night sooner or later.”

“I know. But not now or tomorrow. Or this week.”

His look was grave, but on te inside he was almost leading him.

“You may. But the others will know something is up.”

“I don’t care about the others. They might as well think there is something between us anyway.”

He looked shocked, and he could only hope he wouldn’t kick him out of his room thanks to his recklessness.

“You may take my room. I will find another one.”

Even if he didn’t show it, he was feeling relieved.

“Thanks.”

Now he had to find a way to manage to avoid Jørgen because he would probably try to talk to him.