In Chandler's Hands - 10. The Look Of Love

My goodness, Bran Bran! Your cousin Sharon is a pistol! How is it that she isn’t already taken and married with 2.5 kids and a hot husband?

That look of love she gave me when I came over to visit rather haunts me. I’m a confirmed gay man and that’s never likely to change, but someone like Sharon might be enough to get me to bat for the other team, I’m just sayin’! She’s definitely a part of your prize winning family, that’s for sure! I apologize for heaving a large dose of ‘Fem’ on you guys. I’ve found that’s the best way to put a nice young lady off the scent without hurting their feelings. It makes the problem about me and not them. ‘Fem’, by the way Brandon, means effeminate. So when I ‘Fem’ it up, I exaggerate my gay effeminate tendencies.

In any case, I’m so glad I’ve had the privilege to make friends with more of the Temples now. You are all AMAZING! You guys have enriched my life in ways I never thought possible! You, Brandon, in particular, are a beautiful person inside and out and I love that you think of me enough to write! Your questions are good with me. There’s nothing ‘baby’ about them! They are the age old questions we gay guys have had to answer for ourselves for eons!

Speaking of ‘Looks of Love’, you posed an interesting question to me the other day. It seems that your Billy has been giving you long lingering looks lately, right? You wonder what that could all mean!

The answer is quite simple, Bran Bran…Billy likes you and he likes you a LOT! Trust your instincts, you know it to be true. It is those gut instincts that will never lie to you! That’s where your ‘Gaydar’ lives! Now, here’s the real question: does Billy like you enough to risk coming out of his closet?

You can feel a gay closet case out by your gut instincts, but it is harder to suss them out of that closet. That…takes work!

It’s also a dangerous game! Trying to get them out of their closet when they are afraid is like playing with a tiger. They can start out all soft and lovely at first, but make the wrong move and you’ll find yourself in shreds!

Things are getting better, but as you can tell by Jimmy LaPlane’s experience, we in the LGBTQ+ community have a long way to go before most of us feel comfortable coming out of whatever closets we find ourselves. This goes doubly for High School! You guys are just finding out about yourselves so there’s a lot of insecurity and angst. Our High School, in particular, is a very bored High School! Anything that might be interesting gets blown way out of proportion! So, I know from whence the pressure comes to stay in the closet if you are a frightened gay boy! Just look at my experience in High School to see what causes this kind of justified fear!

I’m suspecting that Billy Chase is living a secret life. One where he has to appear one way on the outside and be the complete opposite on the inside. The one advantage you have in sussing out Billy is his inexperience. Obviously, with his long lingering looks and the ardent attention he pays to you, you drive him crazy inside! He can’t hide it and the less you threaten him and call him out on these things, the safer he feels! He’s showing you just a taste of his peacock feathers, Brandon! Be sure you pay attention!

A disadvantage you have is your own fears and insecurities about who you are! You’re in the closet too and you want your secret life and Billy’s secret life to merge into your shared secret life! You need to be true to yourself before you can even hope to make Billy a part of your gay inner world! One thing I suspect is that you don’t have confirmation of your own gayness!

You came out to me and so, I know who you really are! That’s why you and I are so comfortable communicating in this way! But, I can also see, as you continue your relationship with Marie, that you are still fighting it.

For my sister’s benefit if for no other reason, accept who you are and let her move on! Once you do that, things will start to fall into place for you. You’ll be amazed the world that will then reveal itself to you when you accept your own truth! Others will be able to trust you with who they are and their truth will out for you and that includes Billy’s!

You and I share a religion so let me clue you into a little revelation I had that helped me accept myself: I am as I was MADE! I was made the way I am, gay and everything else! How can it be my fault that I am as I was made? That’s a question the Catholic Church has never answered…because it can’t! It is a mystery to them. It isn’t a mystery to me! It is as clear as day to me! I am as I was made so that makes YOU made as you are!

For fuck sake, ACCEPT it! You, Brandon, are as you were made!

Let your own look of love find Billy’s! Without words, you’ll be able to find out what you are to each other! Eyes are, indeed, windows to the soul. They never lie! They hold your eternal truth.

That’s the totality of the ‘Gay Stare’! It’s the opening of a window into who someone else is and what they want from you.

Well, that’s enough of that. I might give myself a headache if I keep on trying to be ‘smart’ like this for you. Hehehe!

~

Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming out to help me with my art exhibit!

I hope you liked your surprise! You are my muse, Brandon!

You know what? That photograph of Millennium Park we did got seen by a gallery owner in Santa Monica, CaliFOR-N-I-A! I kid you not! I’m so excited! I never thought a school project of mine would ever be worthy of anything other than a passing grade! This one wants to hang in someone’s home or office as artwork! Can you believe that?

As you can imagine, I’ve been busy since then at the behest of my teachers to get a collection of my works going as a solid portfolio! So, I’m sorry I haven’t been as available as I have been. Danny is proud as punch! I made sure to cut a copy of ‘Brandon’s Gateway’ to hang in our condo! That was the second one I cut after your OWN copy, of course! Yours is the first!

As my friend Greg would say, I’m totally verklempt! That’s his way of saying ‘choked up with emotion’! I am really getting into certain Jewish words and phrases like that. They are so cool! Oh, whatever, I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore! I’m so excited!

Thank you, Brandon! Without your inspiration, I don’t know if this door would have opened for me! ‘Mwah’!

Through your eyes, things I thought were boring before take on a newness. I don’t know. It’s like through your pureness you can see and love things like I used to. Talk about a look of love!

Anyways, thank you, my dear friend! I’ll keep you in the loop as to what happens with Santa Monica and stuff!

~

A-ha! So it’s happening already!

You remember that part where I said when you start accepting yourself as gay and you relax a bit about it and just let yourself actually be yourself that you turn on a vacancy sign to other gay guys? It’s an instinctive thing, I’ve found. It just happens! Maybe its nature’s way of letting us find each other? I really can’t say.

But, I bet that’s what’s happening with this Bobby guy you’ve been talking to me about. That other one that seems to be giving you that ‘look of love’ sort of thing. He sounds pretty aggressive and possibly sexually frustrated. I doubt you’re his only target either. From what you describe, his coming into your life is a lot different than how Billy seems to be doing it. It’s much bolder.

You’re right to say it’s similar to how your Emo friend Stevie seems to be, but with much less finesse than Stevie seems to have.

You wonder if you should, just, go for it with Bobby? That’s a possibility. But, I’d say that if you wanted to go with Mr. Right Now over Mr. Right that Stevie might be a better bet. Stevie has gotten to know you from what you tell me. This Bobby can’t have gotten to know you all that well yet. He just likes the container, not the contents since he hasn’t gotten to your contents yet. That’s fine and all, but, I’ve found that’s usually pretty unfulfilling. The flings I used to have in High School (Michael not withstanding) were all Mr. Right Now. In the end, it was like we were using each other as masturbation appliances. It wasn’t special and it really got, kind of, boring and sad after a while. Lots of men here in Boystown exist like that going from one ‘trick’ to the next without hardly learning anyone’s name. They end up sad and depressed men who tend to enjoy their liquor and drugs too much. It so pales in comparison with what I have with Danny that I can’t even really compare the two. There’s so much different between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now!

If you think you might have a chance with Billy and you really think he’s Mr. Right then it might be great if you can hold off doing anything with anyone else until you can figure him out. From the way he’s been acting around you with the shyness, the attentiveness, the…care…sounds very much like what Danny and I had when we were first starting out. I think it might be worth it to put Bobby and Stevie on the back burner until you can figure Billy’s puzzle out. Like I’ve mentioned before, I believe making it for the first time with someone you really love is, perhaps, the most special experience any person can have! The problem with it is that it can only happen once. Virginity is a precious thing. I know because I lost mine way too early with Mr. Right Now and never got the chance to have that look of love right in my eyes as I was making love for the first time! It was Wham Bam Thank You Man and was over so quickly I hardly knew what had happened.

I still regret that.

So, keep it up with Billy! Keep entertaining those long lingering looks and make sure you lift your head up sometimes and give that look right back!

Like I said, the Look of Love can tell the volumes that need telling without ever having to say a word or even openly admitting anything!

Your eyes don’t lie! They always tell the right story.