In Chandler's Hands - 7. An Outing

Oh my . . .

You did it, Bran Bran! You felt comfortable enough with me to let that oh so ‘impenetrable’ wall go down so I could see into your world.

You came Out to me at Millennium Park! My gaydar had been ringing loud and hard about you since I came to know you a little. As we interacted more, I found the feeling get stronger and stronger! You are so honest that you can’t hide the feelings in that precious face of yours! Your eyes sparkle when they see something they like. When you look at me, I see that telltale sparkle all too clearly!

I could chalk it up to ‘puppy love’ or a ‘schoolboy crush,’ but I am still too close to your age to remember just how powerful my feelings could get! When you’re fourteen through fifteen, there’s no filter for your feelings yet. When they come on, they come on gangbusters! I think when you are that age, a boy is at his most honest and most pure. He cannot hide himself nearly well enough and the authentic person he is just pops out the barn door. Hehehe!

As you get older, you start being able to hide your tender parts better. At some point, if you aren’t careful, you get jaded to your feelings and then you ossify into a living statue - cold and unfeeling. I’ve seen plenty of gay guys go that way! They live from conquest to conquest, but they never allow themselves to really ‘feel’ at all. Maybe, they did once and were burned so bad that they never trusted anyone enough again to truly love! That’s a damned shame and something, I hope, you never allow yourself to become, Brandon! Such a person might as well be the Walking Dead.

Our time together at Millennium Park was a first for me too, ya know! I’ve never had a young gay boy Come Out to me before! That was a new one on me and something of a surprise, particularly your horrified reaction. That was just a shame! Not a shame on your part, but on the whole society you and I grew up in! The whole ‘Catholic’ thing! I figure you’re terrified, especially of your father finding out and somehow disowning you.

Now, on this I hope I can give you some comfort - your Dad loves you more than life, Brandon! I know this because you were, practically, all he talked about when I was in choir with him. He was (and is) so proud of you with what you’ve already accomplished and with what you will accomplish just by being you! Honestly, in those days, I felt a little jealous of this unknown guy named Brandon who so involved my great Teacher and Mentor - but then I met you and…now I see it!

Don’t fear your Dad, Brandon! Don’t pass judgement on him thinking he’ll immediately throw you out of the house or whatever! He’s not like that and, deep down, you probably know this already! It’s the kids at school, the haranguing of Christian Media, the general homophobia of our conservative little village in Palosanto that have conspired to make you so paranoid! It did to me too except my temperament was a lot less sweet and tender as yours.

I’ve always been a ‘fuck you, I do what I want’ kind of guy. I was born that way along with the other way I was born (Lady Gaga eat your heart out), namely Gay. I’m definitely not saying that’s the best way to be, Brandon. No one will know what advantages I might have gotten for myself if I’d just stayed quiet, in the closet, and ‘played the game’. But, for me anyway, it wasn’t worth it. I liked guys! I got crushes on them with such frequency that I was in a boil trying to figure out which one I’d ‘seduce to the Dark Side’ first! As it turned out, my sniffing around attracted attention of special friends and special enemies. I couldn’t hide who and what I was at all! I’ve always been a bit ‘Nelly’ or ‘Fem’ around the edges. I’m not even aware that I’m doing anything when I talk a certain way or move my hand in a certain way. That’s just me! I had to fight to exist. I had no choice. You have too, which is why your Dad had you trained in martial arts! Yeah, I know about that too! Your Dad used to crow like a rooster each time you learned a new move or got a new ‘Merit’. He especially liked when you kept going up the ‘belt’ colors.

But, that’s neither here nor there because the fact is you’ve had to fight just to be you! You have just done a better job of hiding it than I did and avoiding trouble - which I think is great! I wish to God I had your composure, Brandon! I’d have saved myself a lot of detentions, demerits, suspensions, and near expulsions if I’d been able to keep my red hair in check!

But, I know there’s a cost to that composure too. It’s in those tears you had when you agreed with how hot that guy running at the park was. Those tears you cried when you realized that you’d just let the cat out of the bag and admitted to me, with that one small unguarded comment, that you could see what I saw in that guy and why he was so desirable. Maybe, some of that was my fault - if you can call it a fault. I did what I set out to do. I made you comfortable in your own skin with me. I made you comfortable enough so that you were able to let your hair down a bit and just be you for a second.

But those tears of terror broke my heart a little! I pray to God that there will be a day when that kind of terror will be a thing of the past! Nobody should have to live in that kind of fear constantly just because they are afraid of who they are! God help us, is it any wonder so many young Gay guys buy the ticket off this rock! They do it just to get away from stupid and insensitive jerks that have no idea what they are doing when they endlessly abuse Gays!

They are the problem, Brandon! Not you! You are perfect just the way you are! Don’t let anyone tell you different or, better still, don’t believe in what they say and write them off as the fucking idiots they are! You have a right to be you and comfortable within your own frigging skin! Don’t let priests, nuns, teachers, preachers, bullies, or ninnies tell you who you should be instead of who you are because what you are is ‘evil’.

If you’re evil then something ain’t right with this whole creation of ours! You’re a beautiful soul and if that’s evil then we are entirely fucked! What I really think is that people use something about you to shame you so that they can then control you with that shame! That’s what I think. The more I learn about these kinds of people the more I know I’m right! Confront them on it and they’ll become ravening, slavering wolves trying to bark you down! Roar like a lion, Brandon! Wolves hate that! Fuck wolves! Yay lions! Indeed, be a lion and be proud of who and what you are as well as that wonderful mane of hair you have! You have a right to be Proud!

Ok, so maybe I’m rambling a bit, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say!

I hope never to see those tears of self-doubt and fear ever again! I’ll help you through this and, just like I promised, pinky swear, I will never Out you to another living soul! EVER!

Such a thing is the true abomination here - not who you love, how you love, and why you love someone. Pass this on and don’t do it to another person either! Keep that faith.

Ok, I’m done preaching!

~

So, I’m wondering if it was such a good idea giving you my number! Hehehe!

Naw, it’s ok. This reminds me, quite a bit, of Jamie a couple of years back. He was all over me about questions about sex, about how to pick up girls, about what brand of condom to use - yeah, I think you catch my drift.

At least your questions I can answer because, honestly, I haven’t a clue about what to do with girls! That is correct, Sir. I’ve never been with a girl before in my life! I’m what my friend Greg calls a ‘Gold Star’ gay boy meaning that I’ve never had sex with a female of our species (or any other). This isn’t for the lack of girls trying, because I’ve been pressured to give it up more than once. Oh yes, girls can be pretty pushy about sex when they want it badly enough! That’s why I’ll use a big Dad Word on you in regards to the ladies - I’ll admonish you to be careful with them! Try not to break their hearts. That said, I’ll ask you again to keep your options open and not commit to your sexual orientation just yet. You are still ‘fluid’, I think the term is. This means your hormones are mixed up and will be going off at anything ‘sexy’. Boys, girls, knot holes in a fence…I’m only 20 so it doesn’t take much for me to remember five years ago! I ‘hardened off’ (yes, in that way too) around the end of sixteen, but even before that I was pretty sure I only liked boys. But, girls could get me going a bit back then too, just not enough for me to do anything about it.

Now, I’m a confirmed Gold Star gay. Women simply don’t make things work for me down there anymore. I suppose it is the way straight men feel about other men, there’s just no desire there. I won’t say that the idea of sex with a woman would make me sick or something, but she’d have to work very hard to get me sufficiently going to do anything with her. Alcohol would probably be necessary, even though I’m not legal until next year (See? Even I’m still too young for everything adult!) But, that might not necessarily be your case!

Stay open, right now, to love from wherever it might come! Even if it is with my little Marie and she finally steals your heart permanently. Just…don’t string her along hoping she’ll be your ‘salvation’ from being gay! Don’t do that to any girl! I know too many dudes that have tried that, failed, and broke things that are irreplaceable - families for instance! Ones that these guys start, but can’t finish.

Choose a girl if that particular girl turns out to be ‘The One’, but don’t do it for the wrong reasons.

You’ve got to believe that your being Gay is a natural thing. It is the way you were wired! If this is your discovery after enough time to figure it out, then be who you are and do it without shame and without hesitation! It is the secret to happiness, Brandon. Be true to yourself in everything!

I promised I wasn’t going to preach anymore, but…you asked for it - literally!

~

So, here I’ve read some more of your texts and emails to me and it seems you may have already found ‘The One’! If so then congratulations! You won the jackpot early!

I will warn you, however, that at fourteen/fifteen just about every boyfriend you’ll make will be ‘The One’ for a few months at least. It’s called infatuation. It can be confusing because it feels like it is a forever thing, but it never is. Only true love can be a forever thing, Brandon. Be careful not to invest too much too soon with any hot guy you manage to date. You might have visions of apartments in Boystown, Showtune Nights with your SO, or growing old together, but the other guy might just think you are a hawt piece of ass to use for a while! Crude, I know, but unfortunately true. Give something at least a year before you start making things serious. Do this, especially, now at your age because, right now, time will be weird for you. Time seems not to speed by as fast as it actually does when you’re fourteen/fifteen. Everything slows down so a day feels like a week, a week a month, a month a year, etc. You get the picture. But, that’s an illusion and you can’t get to know anybody very well in just a couple of months no matter how slow time seems to move for you! Trust me, time speeds up mightily as you get older! Daniel tells me this all the time and he’s just thirty! Give it a calendar year, not a ‘teen-month-year’. Hehehe!

This can spare you some terrible pain if you listen to me! Trust me on this. DON’T GIVE TOO MUCH TOO SOON! Please! I don’t want to have to save you from a razor blade or a flying leap off of a tall building! The pain of a broken heart can drive someone to madness. I know all too well…

…I’ll tell you about it someday.