In Chandler's Hands - 13. Fear Is The Mind-killer

Ok, so I’m very confused.

He told you he loved you again. This time at school no less, but this time you called him ‘weird’ and just walked away? Then you went on a trip for a week.

Um…what the hell, Brandon?

Yes, I do think you made a big boo boo this time, Babycakes! If I’m confused, I can only imagine what Billy is feeling right now…other than heartbroken!

Then you explain to me that first time you two were in bed together didn’t count and that you are sure now that you just imagined the whole thing. Yeah…confusing. Really confusing!

First off…you two were in bed together that first time and I remember you saying something about playing footsie in your stocking feet. That’s pretty intimate for just a play date to begin with. But then, at the time, you were sure you heard Billy whisper something about how he loved you and you thought you told him ‘me too’. Now you don’t believe any of this really happened that way?

My last message poured out all my hopes and dreams that you guys would, by this time, be kissing on a bench by the river with cherry blossoms falling all around! Now we’re back at square one…or minus one, actually!

I won’t ask what you were thinking when you rejected Billy because I don’t think you were actually thinking at all! If you were and you made a reasonably conscious decision not to pursue this relationship with Billy anymore then I can respect that. You’ve got to be able to make your own choices in life, but, somehow, I don’t think that’s what happened at that lunch at school. I don’t think ‘reason’ had anything to do with what you did!

I think you let fear take the wheel on this one!

I think you let those voices in your head drive you to do something rash. You panicked! You say it’s because this has become too real for you and that you just aren’t ready for it yet! I just gotta call bullshit on that one. You’ll never be ready until you face this fear down and conquer it.

“Fear is the Mind-killer”…I LOVE that quote! It’s from a sci-fi book Daniel had me read a while ago called Dune.

The whole quote goes like this:

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Read that a few times, please. Really absorb it! It’s probably the best quote I’ve ever read that talks about how to deal with our fears. We have to let fear wash over us, because its instinctive, but we can’t let it take hold of us because it will usually lead us to disaster. When we panic and run blind, we’re liable to run right off a cliff or into a wall or something. We have to use that fear instead. Let its emotion drain out of you and see if it leads us somewhere better or safer. If your reason says it doesn’t then you need to let the fear go and keep on keeping to the path you’re on despite it because fear is an unwanted distraction.

You say part of what scares you is what you see being done to your friend Stevie. He’s getting bullied unmercifully because they think he might be gay. First off, if they weren’t bullying him because of him looking or acting gay, then they’d probably be bullying him for something else. Bullies are predators. They seek out what they think is weaker than them, hunt them, and then victimize them for their own sad reasons. They might use being gay as an excuse, but they are actually justifying what they are doing to themselves. In their estimation, gay boys deserve to be beaten, so they use that to give them a reason to do it. If they don’t use that for a reason then they’ll use something else like wearing glasses or having a handicap. The reason doesn’t matter. What matters is that the bullies themselves have a problem and are acting out on it. The reasons for the bullying exists only in them, not in the victim.

You can’t let the bullies use fear to control you. You have to let that fear wash over you and then be yourself despite them similarly to how you see Stevie handling the situation. You said he actually spit in the eye of one of the bastards roughing him up! Stevie was being your example! Stevie was showing you that you can’t let them beat you. You can’t be afraid of them! You can’t let fear win. Fear is the mind-killer and it will destroy your every happiness absolutely!

So, if you still want Billy, if you still want to make this right then you need to let this fear wash over you, but not let it take root. If you love Billy like you say you do then you also have to have a bit more empathy. Now your fear isn’t only making you miserable, but it’s making Billy miserable too! Do you want that? Are you selfish enough to let your fear ruin Billy’s chance at happiness too?

Love links us. It creates a bond that binds two people together in such a way that when one person feels something the other will feel it too. Do you not feel the anguish that you are causing Billy? If what you have been telling me all this time is true then you must be!

Part of this heartbreak you are feeling at ‘needing’ to give up Billy is his pain at knowing that his most heartfelt pleas have fallen on deaf ears. You are feeling it. I know you are.

So, I’m going to just say it, because I think I know you well enough by now and you know I’m your friend…you march right over to Billy’s house and you tell him ‘me too’ and MEAN it this time! Because I know you do. I’m not going to let you give this up that easily. I know how much you want him and now you know, without a shadow of doubt, that he wants you just the same!

Don’t let fear take the wheel again! It’s not your friend. It’s not your ally. It’s your enemy.

It is your mind-killer!