Finding Home: Halos and Heroes, Bk 1 - 7. Chapter 7

“Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall.”

-Ray Bradbury

I WASN’T sure what I was going to say to Ben when I was guided out of his guest room toward the kitchen by the enticing scent of freshly brewed coffee, but Ben spotted me first, making a whole speech on my part, unnecessary. His face immediately lit up with a welcoming smile. He straightened up from where he’d been leaning against the edge of the kitchen island, reading something on a tablet. He saluted me cheerfully with a small white expresso cup.

“Good morning, Sam. I’m happy to see you up and ready for the day.”

Up in more than one way.

My mouth kept that thought private, but my eyes chose their own path. I slowly swept the entire length of Ben’s long, athletically lean form with an appreciative gaze once I was close enough to see all of him without the bulky island obscuring my view. It was a poor choice on my part, because I was still wearing Ben’s borrowed shorts. With our differences in height and build, they fit me more like the style of shorts Sports Stores marketed towards runners, promising ‘full mobility’; the type of shorts I never actually ran in. If I was going to show that much ass, the only mobility needed was that of whoever was fucking it.

In addition to revealing a lot more leg than my preferred basketball length, they also clung to my hips and ass more than they probably would on Ben, which meant they didn’t lie as loose as they should’ve across the front. That wouldn’t have been a problem if Benjamin Santiago hadn’t been even more tempting in the bright AM than he’d been last night.

Instead of the clothing he’d been wearing before we’d parted ways for our separate beds last night, or his usual priestly, monochromatic black, Ben was wearing a pair of dark gray shorts, and a burgundy tank that proved I’d correctly judged how broad and strong his shoulders were.

Not bad for a guess based solely off the times my arms had been curled over them every time he’d saved me for myself. Ben was built more like a swimmer than a gym rat. Not bulky, but lean and athletically strong. Capable. And too damn sexy for anyone’s good, especially mine. It was too early for me to have full control over certain body parts that wholly enjoyed the view.

I knew Ben had caught me looking when his smile deepened to the appearance of dimpling, but he didn’t say anything. I cleared my throat.

“Morning… You look chipper.”

“No reason not to be. It’s a beautiful day, and I have enjoyable company.”

I eyed Ben as he dazzled me with a smile that was all teeth and genuine serenity. Obviously, a morning person. So was I, but out of necessity not pleasure. People who liked being up at Satan’s ass crack of dawn, had issues.

“Exactly how many cups of coffee have you had?”

“This is the beginning of my second. The first one was when I woke up. I told you I like watching the sunrise over the water with a cup of Cafecito Cubano in the morning. Like Superman, I get my powers from the yellow sun.”

“I’m pretty sure Superman got that jolt from the sun because he was a superhero, not because he had a little bit of coffee with his cup of sugar.”

Ben grinned without shame as he gestured for me to come and join him. I winced, probably as much outwardly as inwardly when I saw the digital time displayed on the microwave as I passed it.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize it was this late. You should’ve woken me up.”

“You needed to sleep, and it gave me some time to get your clothing dried,” Ben said using the hand that wasn’t holding coffee, to gesture towards the stool closest to where I was standing. My jeans, boxers, and t-shirt were neatly folded and stacked on top of it.

“I couldn’t get the blood out of your shirt, so I figured you could just wear my clothing home since you can run in it. Sweat tends not to alarm people as much as blood does. Girls usually aren’t fond of blood to begin with, and you have three waiting for you at home. My sisters are probably the exception, because growing up in a house of 11 kids including me, with only four of them being female, bloodshed was inevitable.”

Ben smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes this time, which was odd, because he was usually one of those people who smiled with his entire face. There was also brief, weird flicker almost like sadness that passed through his eyes, but it was gone too quickly for me to be sure of what I’d seen.

“Ten siblings? Jesus. I could barely survive Connor.”

“There’s a reason I’m scrappier than I Iook,” Ben said as he laid his coffee cup down, He moved to get me a glass of water and aspirin without me having to ask. He must’ve noticed me wincing against the bright sunshine streaming in through the windows. Thank God, because there were a lot of fucking windows. I hadn’t noticed them, or the skylights last night because it’d been so late by the time we’d gotten back to Ben’s place. But with the almost 10:00 am sun pouring in through all of the windows and skylights, it gave the effect of an atrium. Horrible for my head, but definitely beautiful. I could see the strip of bright blue ocean through the French doors leading from Ben’s kitchen out to the deck where we’d spent so much time last night.

“Thanks,” I said as I took the aspirin and glass, washing down the green gel tabs with the water. “For this, and for washing my clothes. I feel like crap for not helping. I’m usually a 5:00 am or earlier riser.”

“I don’t mind, Sam. I did check in on you around 7:00 am, but you were still out. Then I heard you talking to someone through the door about a half hour ago when I went back to my room to shower and change.”

He didn’t ask who I’d been speaking to, but I told him anyway. I had nothing to hide. Ben knew about Max, and it wasn’t like it’d been an erotic call. Part of my headache was due to that conversation, and the slew of damn text messages I’d been slammed with.

“I was talking to Max." I paused when Ben offered me a cup of coffee in the same flying pig mug from last night. I eyed him suspiciously, even after peeking inside and seeing the velvety smooth, near black liquid that was just an inch or two below the top of the mug.

Ben smirked. “Don’t worry. I remember you take your coffee like a heathen. No milk. No sugar.”

After our very first meeting, my brain had accepted that Ben wouldn’t lie to me about anything, so him misleading me about something as trivial as coffee was a ridiculous consideration. Unfortunately, suspicion was ingrained in my soul.

I took the smallest possible sip. When I tasted the slightly bitter flavor of a good Colombian roast, I relaxed. But then I caught a faint aftertaste. Smooth. Almost a hint of chocolate and the warmth of a spice that reminded me of something baked. Subtle in a pleasant way. Nothing like the cloying, artificially sweet coffee creamers that Max liked.

I raised an eyebrow at Ben in silent question. His eyes crinkled at the corners in almost delighted amusement when I didn’t spit out the coffee.

“I said no sugar or milk. I did add about a half tablespoon of unsweetened organic cacao powder and a sprinkling of organic Ceylon cinnamon into it. Nothing crazy, but I like the way the combination adds a hint of something to the coffee. Of course, it’s even better with a little bit of heavy cream and organic cane sugar.” His grin deepened when I took another sip that was much less reluctant than I wanted it to be. I had to admit the coffee was good with his additions. They weren’t something I’d ever have chosen myself, but a low sound of approval escaped my throat after the third sip that sent the warmly spiced coffee down my throat.

“If cacao powder and cinnamon are the keys to you making that sound every time, it’s officially going to become a new life mission to slip them into everything I can get away with.”

I coughed and sputtered as my coffee almost went up my nose when I laughed. I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth, then glanced up at him. Ben’s eyes were trained on my mouth, lingering a moment before his gaze rose to meet mine.

“Father Benjamin Santiago, are you hitting on me?”

Ben lightly tapped his throat which was bare above his T-shirt. “No collar, so I’m not in priest mode yet. And… it’s a new and beautiful day…”

His brows arched to make sure I got my own reference from last night. I blinked, but when I started to look down to see if his body was backing his words, long fingers slid smoothly beneath my chin to gently tip it back up so our gazes held again.

“My eyes are up here, Sam.”

I could hear the teasing his voice, and my ears still heated. That warmth slowly worked its way down my throat, then spread like warm honey throughout my body. Ben carefully took my coffee mug from my hand. He put it on the counter before backing me up against it, the movement forcing my arms back behind me to brace my hands on the edge for balance. I was too tall to be truly pinned, but I felt the edge of the island biting into my lower spine just above my tailbone. Ben moved his hand from my chin to cradle the side of my face, before sliding that same hand to the back of my neck. His fingers were long enough that he could brush the side of my throat with his thumb.

“Isn’t sex in the kitchen ridiculously unhygienic?”

I think we both knew it was a pretty safe bet that I didn’t give a shit. I’d just been hoping the sass would cover the sound of my pulse kicking up. Unfortunately, Ben looked amused not distracted, so it looked like my ploy hadn’t worked.

“Only if you don’t scrub it down before your next meal. Fortunately for us, I have an entire pantry full of wonderful cleaning products. But I’m not planning to go for the homerun. Not today anyway.” He grinned. “You have to go home sooner than later and when I get you into my bed, you’re not getting out of it unless it’s for a bathroom break.”

Ben slid his knee between my legs firmly, wedging my thighs further apart. This time, there was no way he didn’t hear my breath catch. My palms were firmly braced flat on the counter, but I felt a subtle tremble begin my elbows when Ben shifted his knee with a subtle expertise to press up against me. My body responded immediately, my cock saluting its approval. I could normally bang out 60 one-armed push-ups in a minute without major fatigue, but at this moment, I was grateful to have the granite pressed up against my spine to maintain my equilibrium.

Just like last night, I briefly reminded myself that I wasn’t this guy; not fighting for control, being compliant, passively waiting to see what would happen next... All of that shit had always felt too submissive for my taste. But right now, there was an odd sense of comfort spreading languidly through my body as Ben leaned down to gently nudge his nose against my cheek playfully.

Even though it felt like my entire life had exploded recently into a chaotic whirlwind, I still fought for control with every fiber of my being. I needed that control, because there wasn’t really anyone else around who I trusted enough to lean on. I had Max and A.J., but Max was still in Afghanistan. A.J. was in Alabama running his company, so I had only myself to rely on, because Sofia had her own demons to fight.

I knew all that, but the way Ben was now nuzzling against my jaw with gentle confidence, made me feel like he was applying for the position of new support staff that he’d mentioned last night.

“You’re thinking too loud Sam,” Ben said. I heard the mischievous note in his voice as his breath puffed warmth against my ear.

“Can you blame me? You said no fucking but pointed out that it’s still a new day. So... what’s your next move now that you have me helpless and at your mercy?”

Ben’s laughter sent a wave of vibrations rolling through my skin as he burrowed into the base of my throat. I felt the briefest flick of his tongue. Every one of my nerve endings suddenly felt connected to my dick, reacting hard to that one touch.

“We both know you could easily take me down and have me pinned up against the wall, or down on the floor beneath your body if that’s what you wanted. You’re at ‘my mercy,’ because you’re making a conscious choice... It makes me wonder how a lifetime of taking orders translates behind closed doors when it’s just you, and someone you trust not to let you fall.”

Oh, for fucks sake.

My breath sounded unsteady, but I couldn’t tell if the obvious signs of me being both stupidly turned on, and completely out of my depth with his confidence, was having any effect on Ben. I’d closed my eyes the moment he’d licked my throat. Without my sense of sight, I had to rely on my other senses, like touch. Focusing on the warmth of his mouth, amplified the sensations spurred by his teasing, lazy exploration of my skin. His lips were as soft and plush as I imagined a woman’s would be, though I’d never kissed a girl. Having known I was gay since I was 13, it’d never been a priority and I’d never felt like I’d missed out on the experience. When Ben’s lips lowered to caress the sensitive skin just beneath the left side of my jaw, I could swear with absolute certainty to anyone who asked, that I hadn’t.

In my mind’s eye, I could imagine how we looked together right now; me still slightly sleep rumpled, wearing Ben’s clothing, willingly pinned by Ben’s thigh between my legs. Ben, freshly showered, smelling like his citrusy body wash and warm espresso, with his hand curled with tenderly possessive familiarity around the back of my neck as he claimed every inch of skin along my temples, cheeks, ears, jaw, and neck. My lips felt left out, practically screaming for attention, but Ben ignored them for now.

He'd been right before; I could easily reverse our positions, pin him down and bend him over the counter. I was also strong enough to fuck him standing up with the wall at his back if he wrapped his long legs around my hips. There were so many options to put me in a position of control, yet I was just letting him strip it all away from me with those unhurried kisses.

I exhaled slowly and opened my eyes which were probably slightly glazed over. “You…. Never…. said what you plan to do to me.”

I exhaled slowly and opened my eyes.

Ben’s teeth grazed my ear once more before he pulled back to meet my gaze. He didn’t look dazed at all. Those hazel eyes were dark, the pupils blown out with arousal. The hand he’d had at the nape of my neck relinquished its hold, only to end up paralleling the position of his other hand when he laid it against my cheek gently. Just like last night, he was cradling my face like it was something important enough for him to commit to memory. And just like last night, the tenderness in his touch threatened the strength of my knees, and overrode all common sense that told me to end this before it even started. Max might’ve given us his blessing, albeit reluctantly, but the fact remained that as much as I wanted to give Ben and I a shot, my record of healthy relationships was Spotty at best. Max had said Ben might have some questionable parts in his past history, but I doubted they were anything close to the skeletons in the closet of my own metaphorically redacted life choices.

I opened my mouth to make up some excuse to flee; that my cinnamon and cacao spiked coffee was getting cold; that I needed to shower and get home; hell, that I just needed to take a piss. Anything to get me out of here without having to admit the truth; I didn’t know how to humanly adult when it came to relationships.

Before I could say anything, Ben smiled. “I’m going to kiss you till your toes curl,” he murmured. “And then, when every single part of you is tingling, and wondering where a man of the clergy learned to kiss like I do, I’m going to let you go shower if you need to. The finicky nature of my water temperature might be welcome then.” He grinned slowly and there was absolutely no missing his transparent meaning. “I’m going to brew some fresh coffee for you, then pour it into a to-go cup so we can get going for a run. I already called Sofia this morning and told her I’d drive us to the park closest to her house, then take you home afterward. She said there’s something waiting for you, so I need to get you home eventually, but I want to spend some time together first. Sofia’s on board. Are you?”

I swallowed hard. That was a lot of information, and while I’d admire Ben’s pragmatism later—when I wasn’t pitching a tent like it was time for summer camp—all I could do was nod. Apparently, that wasn’t good enough for Ben because he flicked my lower lip gently with his thumb.

“I need the words, Sam.”

“Who knew a man into consent could be so sexy?”

Ben’s lips quirked higher on the right side than the left, like he was trying to decide whether he was going to smile at my mild snark, or choose a type of sensual violence I’d probably enjoy considering my mild pain kink in the bedroom.

His indecision finally morphed into a full out grin. “I agree, so I’m asking permission to kiss you until we’re both blue balled,” he said, not even batting an eyelash when I blinked.

Naughty Father Ben.

My dick approved.

“In that case, you should get into the shower with me afterward and we can enjoy the water’s fluidity as it changes from spa-like, relaxing warmth, to refreshingly colder than a witch’s tit.”

Ben’s grin deepened. “I’m going to finish my second cup of coffee because I like slow buildups. Patience can be sexy. I also have extremely solid levels of self-control, so the only place I’m putting my hands on is my coffee mug… today at least.”

“Blasphemy,” I muttered, even as my cock twitched in approval again.

I wanted to give in to what he wanted, needed to on some crazy level of what-the-fuckery I wasn’t ready to analyze yet. Ben raised a questioning eyebrow when my silence dragged out. I recognized it as the challenge it was, and like I’d so often done in my past in other life situations, I met it with defiance.

I pushed up and off the island with both hands. The smooth movement jostled us just enough that Ben had to take a step back to steady himself. He released his hold on me. I took advantage of his surprise and slid my hands to his hips firmly so I could lift him bodily off the floor.

Credit should always be given when credit is due, and I had to give it to Ben. He caught on quick. Those long legs wrapped around my hips snugly, like I’d imagined earlier. Both of my hands curved under the firm curve of his ass to hold him securely. Ben immediately looped his arms around my neck as naturally as breathing.

I reversed our positions so I faced the island counter. I set Ben on top of it. His legs were still wrapped around my hips. Once again, his eyebrow arched, daring me to make my next move.

Damn this man and his unholy ability to get into my head.

Ben’s mouth was warm when I took it in a hard kiss, his lips just as welcoming as they had been last night. He tasted like coffee, that second cup apparently enough to wipe away any traces of minty toothpaste. The hint of cinnamon candy was also missing and threw me off just a bit because I was starting to equate it as just another part of Ben,

My hands tugged Ben to the edge by his hips, so we were pressed up tight against each other, almost perfectly aligned. I wasn’t the only good little Eagle Scout pitching a tent now. Ben’s lips immediately parted for me, allowing me full access. No fight for dominance, just easy acceptance. He was giving me exactly what I was asking for as his hand curled gently at the nape of my neck, while the other rested on my left hip.

It was hot. It was perfect. Yet even as Ben let me claim his mouth aggressively, it felt wrong.

I knew what I was doing. Despite my many flaws, I was good in bed. I knew how to break a man down through kisses because I’d been schooled by Max and had learned every possible trick. He had extremely high standards, and I’d graduated with honors years ago. Kissing, licking, and teasing Ben into blue-balled bliss would be easy. He was kissing me back, more than willing. But…

When I broke the kiss first, Ben pulled back enough to see my face as I tensed. His gaze searched my face silently for a long moment. I didn’t say anything, but Ben suddenly smiled like he knew what I was thinking anyway.

The hand on my hip moved, Ben’s fingertips skating across the narrow strip of bare skin along my abdomen that was exposed because the hem of my borrowed t-shirt had rolled up just a bit. I inhaled as Ben teased those fingers slowly up my chest over the soft material of my t-shirt. They met up with his other hand that had shifted from the nape of my neck to the left side of it. His right hand took up a parallel position on the right, the thumbs of both hands gently stroking the sensitive, vulnerable skin beneath my jaw, soothing even as he aroused. When he gently tugged me towards him, my eyes closed and I leaned in to meet him halfway.

My kisses had been skilled but aggressive, trying to prove a point. Whether that point had been for Ben’s benefit of for mine no longer mattered, because this was obviously Ben’s show now.

I felt him kiss each of my closed eyelids softly, barely a touch. Both my cheeks got the same treatment, then my jaw. I exhaled slowly when Ben kissed either corner of my mouth with the same reverence. He placed another kiss at the slight dip of my upper lip, before he nipped the center of the lower one hard. The combination of surprise, and the immediate, stinging pain, instantly made my lips part with a soft sound. Ben’s tongue swept languidly along the now parted seam of my lips with a sensuality too deliberate and confident to be an apology.

I didn’t need one.

What I did need was to curl my hands in the fabric of Ben’s shorts by the pockets on either side of his narrow hips so I had a focal point as he repeated the entire circuit of kisses again. By the time he finally kissed me properly, my head was spinning, and the only reason I knew which way was up, was because his dick was boring into my belly.

His tongue teased mine, instigating a chase, though he coyly evaded capture until he’d apparently had enough of toying with me. Ben's tongue invited mine into his mouth, then skillfully curled around it. He didn’t so much suck, as he stroked and coerced with a velvet heat that made my hands grip his hips harder. I hoped he didn’t bruise easily, or he’d end up with 10 nearly identical souvenirs of this moment.

Ben finally broke the kiss, but his thumbs were still beneath my jaw and he used that leverage to tip my head back so he could gain access to the underside. There, he teased my flesh with slow kisses. The length of my throat got slightly rougher treatment, with kisses that sucked and scraped with the safe edge of his teeth. I didn’t bruise easily, and I knew he wasn’t applying enough pressure to leave lightly bruised evidence of a good time, but I was almost tempted to encourage him to do exactly that. It’d be a first. I didn’t even let Max mark me up.

He licked over my throat lazily, following the sucking kiss that had come before it. I was sure he could feel how erratic my pulse was, but his breath was just as shaky on the exhale when I moved my right hand to the small of his back, and let my fingers creep beneath the hem of his t-shirt. I needed to feel his skin as he clearly posted a SOLD sign across my ass with every drugging kiss.

When the blunt edges of my short nails dug into his spine lightly, probably just the slightest bite, Ben made a sound low in his own throat suspiciously close to a growl of approval. Controlled, yes. Unaffected? Absolutely fucking not.

Encouraged, I slid my hand up his spine beneath the soft fabric of his t-shirt. My thumb traced each of the vertebrae beneath his smooth skin, similar to how he’d caressed my jaw earlier. That got another soft rumble of approval from Ben, so I upped the anted by slipping my left hand beneath his skirt as well. While my right hand traced up slowly beneath his shirt, my left hand dropped as low as it could go, inching beneath the waistbands of his shorts and briefs. Ben was sitting on the island, so my fingertips could only graze the warm skin just above the top of his cleft. I barely teased the beginning of his crease, but it was enough to break Ben’s control.

His mouth was suddenly back on mine like a man on fire. Apparently he was done with peaceful negotiations, and had chosen to completely lay siege to every inch of my mouth. Our tongues curled together as he drew me closer, locking his ankles together behind my ass. We swapped hungry, drugging kisses without enough time between them to actually catch our breath.

I moaned, giving Ben a baleful look when he pulled back first. He laughed, but the sound was throaty and unsteady, making it obvious that he’d needed that breath too. I didn’t need to look down to know he was as hard as I was.

Can I get an AMEN?!

“We need to get going… I’m not letting you get out of our run. You need the exercise.”

Apparently the look I gave Ben was as rude as I suspected, because he chuckled at my indignation.

“Yes, you’re a vision of physical perfection. Michelangelo would have a new standard for a modern David. But the run will help burn off any remaining alcohol in your system, and the endorphins will help with your hangover.”

“I feel lit up, not hungover right now,” I said, leaning in to steal a kiss. I lingered against the softness of his mouth for a moment. “I can think of plenty of other ways to get an endorphin rush going. Your mouth was made for spreading the good word right? So, take me to bed and show me just how good this side of heaven can feel.”

Ben’s grin turned lazy again, the bad line apparently not bothering him in the slightest. He nipped my lower lip before gently pushing me away so he could hop off the counter.

“We made plans to go for a run and I follow through on anything I start.”

“We said we might go for a run. But that was last night. This is today.”

I gave him a very pointed look and Ben smirked. “Today, I said I was going to kiss you senseless, and that if you needed to take a shower afterwards before we went for our run, you could. I already did my part. Do you need to do the second?”

“Only if you come with me.”

“That isn’t part of the plan.”

I grumbled. “Fine… it’s probably for the best. Your water pressure is so fricking unpredictable that more than five minutes might become a really cold shower, which would defeat the point of you joining me in the first place.”

“Whether I’m in there or not, do you really think you need more than five minutes to get off right now?”

I met Ben’s gaze and showed him my teeth when he smirked. Cheeky motherfucker. Two could play this game. “Nope, just a flick of my thumb over the head would splatter your shower walls with my spunk. But you said you have self-control, right? Well, I hate to break it to you, buttercup, but I was a U.S. Army Ranger, then a Delta operative. There’s zero competition between us regarding who has more restraint. I know how to wait patiently for the perfect moment.”

“To paint my walls?” Ben blew me a kiss and I laughed.

Smartass.

“No, for you to kiss me so senseless that I’ll do whatever it takes to make you hear choirs of angels and powerless to stop me.”

I didn’t know what bold, sex baby demon had taken hold of me. Flirting had never been a strong suit of mine. In the military, outright solicitation would’ve guaranteed I got my ass handed to me—and not in the good way. Caution became a way of life, but all of us were so damn good at being discreet that random hookups were few and far between, and there was never much talking involved. Better not to know the name of a man you'd have to forget five minutes after you painted him with your spunk.

My relationship with Devlin hadn't been much of an improvement in terms of honing my social skills. We shot the shit, fucked like demons, then shot the shit again. Romance wasn't our thing. Max was a flirt, but since looking at linoleum could make him hard, there wasn't much work to be done there either. Ben was a whole new ballgame.

“We’ll see.”

I grinned because I considered a two-word response from Ben, master wordsmith, extraordinaire, a major point for me.

“So, are you going to shower or not? I left a clean t-shirt and sweatpants that you can roll up If you want to be more comfortable. I know my shorts are a little risqué on you because you’re stupidly tall. I don’t personally mind, but I’m just as happy if you want to reserve all that for my eyes only.”

My lips twitched. “I’m not showering.” I paused, because as bold as I’d been, this next statement was a little harder to deliver. “Your clothes still smell like you, so I smell like you. Since I seem to be really into that right now, I’m not changing. Besides, if you’re trying to keep up with me most of the time, which you will be unless I slow down, you can at least enjoy my rear view while you’re behind.”

I offered Ben a slightly crooked smile when he blinked, and his lips parted slightly before he swept me with a slow look like he was silently rethinking his decision to go for a run instead of finishing what we started.

Yahtzee.

“Fair enough,” Ben said. “Your boxers are with the rest of your clothes. Those do need to go on under those shorts for public safety, otherwise traffic accidents involving cyclists and walking pedestrians in the park will be a thing.”

I grinned and offered a two-fingered salute before I move to do as I was told. I hesitated when I saw the new t shirt and sweats. It was honestly too warm for sweats, but I liked the idea of smelling Ben on my clothing, so maybe it went both ways? I tugged off the t-shirt I’d slept in, then pulled on the clean dark blue one he'd left for me that smelled like Ben’s detergent. I neatly folded the shirt I’d worn last night and took it and the sweats with me back to the guestroom and left them in a neat pile on top of the bed. Then I headed back to the kitchen to grab the rest of my clothing after sliding my cell into my pocket.

“Thanks,” I said as I took the disposable cup of coffee Ben handed to me. “Why do you even have these anyway. Keep them for guests who spend the night, then need to leave quickly in the morning for work?”

"I keep the disposable ones in the cabinet for the mornings I run—no excuse to stop for a cup on the way," he explained. “Officer Whelan is very health conscious, so he’d just keep a reusable travel mug here for himself.”

I deserved the quip, not the kiss Ben popped to the right corner of my mouth after giving me a nudge with his hip that was gentle enough not to jostle my coffee hand, but I happily accepted both.

“I left the t-shirt you lent me last night folded on top of the guestroom bed with the sweats.”

For a hot second, I wondered if I’d made the right call. I’d been tempted to put the clothing on the pillow on Ben’s bed, but without being invited into his private sanctuary, it felt a little too much like the time a drunk college coed had pressed her panties into my hand as Max chatted up her sister on the other side of the bar that we’d been at. It’d crossed the line from flirty to uncomfortably slutty, and that wasn’t my style. But the guestroom was still in his house, so he’d have to go in there eventually and the t-shirt would probably still smell like me if he decided to sleep in it. There was a reason girls liked wearing their boyfriend’s shirts.

Ben cast me a sly look as he grabbed his keys after tossing me a reusable burlap bag for my clothing.

“And it’s not laundry day yet...”

The man didn’t miss a beat.

Touche Father Ben. Touche.

I waited until Ben locked the front door before continuing out to his car. The ocean views I’d only gotten a hint of last night, were dazzling in the late morning sunshine. Bright blue skies dotted with clouds that mimicked the white caps of the rolling waves that broke with a mellow rhythm against the sand. No one was out yet enjoying the day, so there was an extra sense of peace about the morning. For a moment I didn’t want to leave, but I had promises to keep.

I got settled into the car after Ben unlocked the doors, snapping my own seatbelt on today before I took a sip of my coffee after getting the nod of consent from Ben after I raised a questioning eyebrow, silently asking for permission to drink it in the car.

“Which Park are we going to? The old neighborhood changed so much that I don’t recognize a lot of it and I don’t remember one being that close to Sofia’s place.”

“It’s actually about 15 minutes from her house. It was just restructured with a lot of new greenery and benches put in, as well as running trail loops, so we can make it through a five-mile run easily and still get back to the car without having to do another 5 miles back.”

I nodded slightly. “Fair enough.” I paused to take another sip of my coffee, then glanced at Ben’s sideways as he pulled out of the loosely gated community exit and pulled out into traffic that was a little lighter than usual morning traffic anywhere in Florida, because it was well past rush hour. “May I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Did Sofia mention what this mysterious surprise I have to get home for is? Max was mostly innuendo instead of information. Pretty much his MO, but A.J. and Sofia seem to know about this, so it makes me leery. God only knows what it can be. To say that Max is open-minded and creative as hell because he’s too smart for his own damn good, is putting it mildly.”

“She didn’t tell me,” Ben said. “Now may I ask you a question?”

“Sure. I play fair.”

Ben’s lips twitched, but he waited until we actually came to a complete stop as the yellow light turned to red, before he glanced over at me. “You said that you and Max aren’t serious, right?”

I nodded. “We’re not exclusive, but we usually do get together when we’re in the same place at the same time.”

“Is that going to happen anytime soon?”

I caught the subtle hint of another unspoken layer to that simple question. Apparently, my best friend was Ben’s Seargeant Whelan. “Eventually,” I said with a slight nod. “He was shot by a terrorist at the hospital he works at before the guy was taken down.” I didn’t add that Max had been the one to do the takedown. I wasn’t in the habit of blabbing business that wasn’t mine.

Something in my heart flipped over when Ben actually looked concerned. God, he was a good fucking person, his mild jealousy temporarily paused because he was an above average human being. “Is he alright?”

“He’s okay, but he’ll probably be on some kind of leave once he goes through all the paperwork and hoops that everyone who isn’t enlisted has to deal with after a shooting. He said he’d probably go see his parents first but yeah… he plans to come here at some point. Sofia and the girls are his family the same way his parents are mine.”

“Makes sense. I’m glad that he’s alright.”

“Me too.”

The light changed to green, and we fell into silence as we started driving again. I knew what Ben wanted to ask. I also knew he probably felt awkward asking now that he knew Max was finally able to come home on leave, only because he was injured.

I hesitated, then opened the door myself. “Ben, I’ve never done serious relationships before. I told you Max didn’t want that with me, and frankly, I never wanted something exclusive with anyone else, not even Devlin. So, I’m out of my depth here. But… If you’re asking whether I’ll sleep with him when he comes down to visit while you and I are trying to figure whatever this is out, the answer is no.”

Ben glanced over at me briefly, and I saw the surprise in his eyes before his lips curled into a relaxed smile as fate intervened and we came to another red light. “Are we going to figure it out?”

I shrugged. “I have no frickking clue. Like I said, this is uncharted territory. Max, Connor and Sofia were the only ones that knew I was gay, before A.J. found out.”

“It must've been difficult until Congress officially repealed Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell."

I shrugged again. "I wasn’t a monk, but I mostly live vicariously through Max’s happy man-ho hijinks.”

Ben grinned. "So, you do want more than just a booty call.”

I snorted but could feel my ears heating despite the AC being on full blast in the car.

“Maybe.”

“Maybe nothing. You can’t back pedal now just because you slipped up by admitting that you’re intrigued by the idea of giving up control and exploring something new with someone who actually gives a hoot about what’s in your head, not just what’s in your pants, impressive as that portion of you is.”

My lips twitched as the heat spread from my ears to my cheeks. I'd already picked up on the fact that Ben didn't use foul language, but that was a whole other level of unintentional, appealing cuteness. I just wished it hadn't been attached to such accurate insight.

"You're wrong about the control factor," I said, completely ignoring the side eye I got from Ben. I’d never been so happy for a light to turn green because it meant I didn’t need to look Ben in the eye as pointed out just how full of crap I was considering what had happened in the kitchen earlier.

"I like having power over my situation."

“Outside of the bedroom I’d absolutely agree. You can’t just take the military out of the man. You like order and controlling as many moving parts as you can, because it’s what you’ve done for years to keep yourself and others safe. Makes sense. But with that same logic, behind closed doors, I think you need to relinquish control and trust that someone else will carry some of your burden, and make sure you’re safe enough so you can just let go.”

My heart thumped hard in my chest when he smiled. "Everyone has three lives, Sam... public, private and secret."

"And just which life do you think you fit into?"

His smile deepened as he took his eyes off the road for a millisecond to glance at me. "All three."

There was no missing the suggestive note in his voice this time. My body reacted instantly, as if he'd stroked those strong hands over every inch of me that was already tingling with awareness. Our make out session this morning seemed to have set off a Pavlov type chain reaction. That smile, and the low, completely male confidence in his voice, worked together to encourage my dick to join the conversation. I cleared my throat to discourage that line of thought, then attempted redirection, even if I really didn’t want to know personal information about this particular topic of conversation. “So… why not give Whelan a chance? He seems like a guy you’d have a lot in common with. Both good guys trying to help the weak and defenseless. Pillars of the community.”

Ben could’ve teased me. I expected him to, but instead, he said, “Andrew’s a good person; intelligent, very compassionate, and open-minded, which makes him a good cop. However, there are parts of my past I don’t think he’d understand. Most people wouldn’t, and I don’t want to potentially make our friendship awkward.”

I was quiet for a moment, because this seemed like a good moment to fill in the blanks that Max’s researcher hadn’t been able to. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to push and issue Ben seemed uncomfortable with, especially now that I had some secret, insider information. I paused for another few beats, then said, “Everyone has some kind of past, and we usually spend enough time judging it ourselves because shame’s a son-of-a-bitch. We don’t need other people doing it. If they do, they’re not friends.”

Ben smiled slightly as he made a left turn, exiting the highway toward quieter streets. “Is this you asking to hear my story now that you’re actually sober?”

“Yeah, I guess it is, as long as you’re okay with it. If it’s something you’re uncomfortable talking about, we won’t.”

“I’ve never kept secrets from people I care about Sam, so I’m not about to start now,” Ben said. “And unlike Whelan who’s bound to slightly different standards because of his job, I don’t think you’ll look at me differently.”

“I don’t do glass houses, Ben, and you’ve had a front row seat to the trainwreck of my life since we met, so we’ll be good, no matter what you tell me.”

Ben made another turn and I began to see more people milling about on the streets; women pushing strollers, people walking their dogs; obviously close to civilization again.

“I’ll start with the first part, but the rest might have to wait till we actually get to the park because we’re only about 5 minutes away.”

“Do you want to wait till then?”

“No. This part is pretty simple.”

He had my complete attention, especially when his long fingers started tapping lightly against the edge of the steering wheel.

“I told you that I have a lot of siblings.”

“Yeah. Ten, right?”

Ben nodded. “I’m only close with my youngest sister, Catherine. I haven’t spoken to the rest of them or to either of my parents in nearly twenty years.”

“Really?” That seemed completely out of character from what I knew of Ben. As a man who cared deeply about the people in his inner circle, so there had to be a valid reason. "Do they live out here?"

"No, most of them are in or around Miami, by Little Havana. That's where my parents are, so my siblings stayed close, except for Catherine who moved to Cuba a few years ago when her husband Raoul’s software company transferred him there.”

"But not you."

I made it a statement not a question. Ben responded anyway.

"Not me. I needed a little more space and so did they. Traditional Latino families are...very strict about certain things."

A lightbulb went off in my head. "They cut you out of their lives because you’re gay?”

I was guessing here, taking a shot in the dark, but I apparently hit the mark because Ben nodded. The restless tapping of his fingers intensified, letting me know there was more even before he spoke again.

"That was the biggest part of it. I'm Latino, so being gay didn't work within the standards my parents expected my siblings and I to adhere. No eighteen kids from me, even though my parents already have eight grandchildren, and Catherine’s pregnant with her first."

"Sounds like your mother has enough kids around to call her Abuela."

Using the correct term for grandmother earned me a slight smile.

"One thing you probably already know about Latin women from Sofia is that they're big on family. Just because they have some, doesn't mean they don't always want more. They’re also big on religion and the belief it can save.”

"Is that why you became a priest? "

"No." Ben's jaw clenched, true discomfort showing in his handsome face for the first time since I’d met him. Not irritation or anger at me for stupid choices, but genuine pain that corded the muscle in his shoulders; an easy visible tell in the tank top. I wanted to touch him, but I still wasn’t good with initiating comfort and affection toward anyone not related to me, or within my small friend’s circle, so I just waited him out.

He made one last turn and then we were pulling into the parks parking lot. He’d been right about his predicated ETA.

"I became a priest over a decade after they threw me out. That part of my life came later, after I stopped having to blow anyone to make my rent."

Blowing…rent?...

What Max had told me about joint properties in Ben and someone else’s name… a well-off man who was very gay, no on record work history for years…

My eyes narrowed a little in thought as dots started connecting in a way that seemed unbelievable. Sure, Ben kissed like he planned to ruin me for other men—he was already halfway there— and he had a sexy, sharp sense of humor, but nothing else about him screamed former pro of the oldest profession in the world.

Ben killed the engine and looked over at me, steady, unflinching. I must've been broadcasting my emotions like CNN, because the smile he gave me was a dim shadow of his usual open one.

"I was going down a dark road at the time. I felt lost after my family's predictable, but still less than enthusiastic response to my coming out. Didn't know where to turn, so the downhill roll seemed easiest."

"What happened?"

Long fingers began a slow tap against his knee instead of against the steering wheel now that we were parked. Ben had been a lot of things since we’d met. Insecure hadn’t ever been on the list till now. I reached for him before I really registered the movement until his eyes briefly registered surprise, then gratitude before his fingers curled around mine. He held on tight like he need to ground himself. I squeezed lightly, then rubbed my thumb gently along the sensitive webbing between his thumb and forefinger.

"We don’t have to talk about this, but I want you to know, I’m not Whelan or anyone else that you think would judge you. I think I have an idea where this might be going…”

“Do you now?” Ben offered me a quizzical look, searching my eyes.

I shrugged. “Maybe… it would explain a few things…”

Like why you move like sex on legs and light me up in ways I’ve never experienced with anyone else, not even Max. How you kiss me with such single-minded focus, I stupidly forget about keeping you at hands length, so I don’t drag you into my mess.

I didn’t break eye contact. Ben didn’t say anything, but he didn’t let go of my hand either. Taking a play from his own book, I leaned over to close the gap between us, my forehead resting lightly against his. The knuckles of my free hand brushed gently down his cheek.

“We all have our stuff. You probably know about 890 percent of my heaviest shit. But you don’t know one of the most important things about me that really sucks.”

“What’s that?”

“I snore when I drink light beer. I always tell Max I don’t touch the stuff because I hate the flavor, but it’s actually because it makes me sleepy, and I snore. Loudly. It’s horrible.”

Ben chuckled. I felt the warmth of his breath waft over my mouth. “Snoring after having a few hipster drinks, and having been a high-priced escort, are two entirely different categories of secrets to keep.”

Between what Max’s source had found out about Ben, the pieces Ben himself had started filling in, along with everything I’d learned firsthand, I was only half surprised by what he said. But the revelation still blew my remaining battleships out of the water, and I was left scrambling for the right thing to say, because I refused to fall into the category, he thought Andrew Whelan would. I just needed a minute.

Ben's low chuckle didn't sound happy. When he tried to pull away, I didn’t release his hand, though I allowed him to pull back enough to see my face.

“It worked for me at the time,” he said. “I was newly out and cut off from my family. Having all the sex I wanted to with men who paid me very well for the opportunity was a dream for a while, especially once I started working for an exclusive agency where I made more money in a night than most people see in their bi-weekly paychecks"

“Wow,” I said. Not the most eloquent choice but that didn’t sound like Julia Roberts, pre-Richard Gere, Pretty Woman trick turning. "So… we’re not talking single digits.”

“No. By the time I made a name for myself with my company, which specialized in wealthy older men, I was pulling in double digits with three zeroes behind them per client.” His lips quirked faintly. “My ‘dates,’ became men I saw for years; the type who were married with children and had enough money not to merit the bat of an eyelash when they showed up to high society events with a pretty boy on their arm. My last client lived out here. He asked me to move in with him when I got out of the life."

It was difficult for me to ask since my green-eyed monster didn't want to know the details, but now I was curious because I felt like Ben knew so much about me, and I just knew the surface points of him. "Did you love him?"

Ben nodded. "I did. Not romantically. But Charlie was a client of mine for 3 years. Eventually he became a friend as well. When I’d finally had enough and wanted a normal life, I sold my list. Shortly after that, I moved in with Charlie. I had more than enough financial stability to live on my own, but I’d done that for so long. After keeping everyone at hands length for years, except for Roman, who is still my closest friend, I wanted to try letting other people in to get a peek of who I was when I didn’t have to constantly perform. Faking it didn’t stop in the bedroom when I was an escort. The fantasy had to be one hundred percent of the time so you yourself believed it as well. Charlie knew romantic love was off the table for us, but he still loved me and treated me well as both a lover and friend. He wanted my mind as much as my body. That in itself was appealing, so I gave it a shot.”

Charlie. Charlie Jameson. I remembered that name from Max’s overview. Very rich, very gay.

And apparently, Charlie had known every inch of Ben very well once upon a time.

I ignored the little green monster growling on my shoulder. "Sort of Pretty Woman with a dick.”

Ben smiled slightly. “Not that far off in terms of our age gap, but he looked a good 15 years younger. Charlie was very old money, but wasn’t one for the spotlight, and he was extremely selective about who allowed into his small inner sanctum of friends. They all knew who I’d been and didn’t care. They respected me because Charlie wouldn’t have allowed anything less. Over time, they became my friends as well. They still are.” He paused to lean his head back against the seat’s headrest. “Charlie and I did a lot of traveling in the two years after we moved in together, because he wanted me to see the world. He liked seeing how I reacted to things he already had, multiple times in his life and took for granted, like the cathedrals of Spain, and Paris in the spring. He said it was like seeing things for the first time through my eyes.”

I nodded, but that monster was growing, flirting with a minor Hulk-out. “He sounds like a good person.”

“He was,” Ben agreed. “Charlie wanted me to enjoy life and my new freedom through as many experiences as I could. He gave me full access to his extensive library collection that included books on theology. That was when I started questioning my life choices, and what I wanted to do with my life next."

"Charlie didn't mind?"

Ben shook his head. "No. He encouraged it. He wanted me to go back to school and finish my bachelor’s degree, then pursue a masters or whatever else I wanted to do. He was a history professor for almost twenty years, was all about furthering one’s education. He encouraged me to explore new avenues of thought, especially when it came to believing I could fall in love with someone one day and be happy. I was admittedly, very resistant to that idea.”

He smiled at what had to be an incredulous look on my face. Ben, resistant to love? I wanted to call bullshit, but I’d been trying to watch my language around him.

“I was a different man then, Sam. I used my sexuality as a brazen distraction to keep people from wanting to see if there was more to me than a handsome man who was willingly to do almost anything that would tilt their world on its axis.”

My green-eyed monster finally said fuck it.

I unbuckled my seat belt and slid across the bench seat to get closer to Ben. I had a moment to register his surprise, before I leaned in to catch his mouth in a kiss that wasn’t hard, but definitely more thorough than I’d usually go for in public. Granted, we were in a quiet parking lot, but there were plenty of people on the running paths a few hundred feet in front of us. Any of them, could at any given time, decide to come back to their car.

I didn’t care. I might not know exactly how things would work out between Ben and me, and I didn’t disagree with Max that snail slow was probably the pace we needed, but I was suddenly a hundred percent certain I didn’t like sharing Ben, not even with ghosts of the past.

I felt Ben’s surprise that I initiated the contact, but then he melted into me as much as he could. I broke the kiss first, surprising myself when I brushed a kiss across his temple. It was a tenderness I usually reserved for Emma, Sofia, and Adelyn, when she was a little girl; the people who mattered most to me. Ben had made that list apparently.

“Sorry… needed to do that. Now you can continue.”

“Well…feel free to do so anytime.”

Ben looked both amused and pleased. He kept me where I was by placing his free hand on my arm after he turned to face me. He traced lazy patterns into my skin. “As I said, I was resistant to love for many reasons, the main one being my family’s rejection. But Charlie was a stubborn man and a pain in my behind.” His lips quirked. “His persistence eventually paid off because he finally got me to believe that I could reset my life, no matter what shameful things I'd done in my past. It was because of him that I joined the Episcopal Church."

"Where is he now?" I’d noticed his repeated use of the past tense when talking about Charlie.

Ben’s sad smile confirmed my suspicions. "He’d started experiencing some medical issues after we’d been together a little over two years. When he was finally given a diagnosis of stage three liver cancer, he told me to leave. I proved I was just as stubborn as him and refused to.” He chuckled softly. “Charlie wasn’t happy about it, but I channeled the admirable selective hearing of children and ignored him until he stopped complaining. He needed a caretaker/companion, and I needed to stay with the man who’d become more than a friend.”

“Charlie was your family.”

Ben nodded. “The cancer was too aggressive to treat, so he passed about six months later."

I could feel my expression soften as I squeezed his hand again. "I'm sorry, Ben."

"It's alright. That's how I met Father O'Brian, the head of our parish here. I saw what comfort he brought to Charlie, to the people in his church, and I wanted that. Charlie had no living family, so he left me everything. Like I said before, he was very old money. Combined with my own extensive finances, I had a lot of options. I made a lot of investments, including giving very generous donations to various charities specializing in offering help to young people, especially those in the LGBT community. I sunk the majority of it into the purchase of the building for Maplewood, then turning it into what it is now. What I invested into solid stocks helps maintain it. I also loaned Roman enough to launch a new business venture, which has proven very lucrative. He repeatedly tried to pay it back, and I refused to take it. Eventually we compromised and split the amount into a small apartment building to house his employees who like the kids at Maplewood, need a new start. He has a soft spot for people who need second chances.”

“Sounds like someone I know,” I said with a soft snort.

Ben grinned. “True, but I’m not the one who gets called the King of the Misfit Toys.”

I laughed and he nodded. “I’m not kidding. It drives Roman crazy, but they started it, and they’re not wrong.”

“What kind of business is he in?”

“Roman owns a very popular gay nightclub called Allegria, in Miami Beach. It’s done so well that he’s just a few months short of opening a second one in South Beach.”

Benjamin Santiago, you are just a man full of surprises.

"Wow, well you're definitely open-minded.”

“I am. I’m hoping you are as well, so you can be be my date to the grand opening. I want Roman to meet you.”

“Clubbing with a man of the cloth seems like one of those, ‘cannot be missed’ life milestones,’” I said, smiling when Ben chuckled.

“Everything you mentioned was very altruistic.” Which explained a lot considering his place was nice but not stupidly rich high-end. “You didn't keep any of it for yourself?"

Ben smiled. "I'm not that idealistic. I bought my house outright with most of what I had left from Charlie’s estate, and I have a comfortable savings account from other investments I made with the money I made both working, and by selling my list to another escort."

"Charlie must’ve rolled over in his grave when you bought your place," I muttered.

Ben laughed, some of the tension leaving his face. "He probably did. But I'm happy, and I know that's what he wanted for me. Becoming a priest was the best decision I've ever made—the only one I've never questioned."

It was difficult for me to reconcile the handsome, approachable man in front of me with a highly paid escort, but it did explain a lot; like the innate compassion he'd offered me since we'd met, and his need to serve and drag others onto better paths even if they did a little kicking and screaming along the way.

We remained in silence for a few moments. Ben must've taken that as a judgment instead of my own difficulty with communication. His head dipped so he wasn't looking at me as he pulled his hand out of mine.

"I'm not my collar, Sam. What I do now, it's what makes sense for me. But beneath it, I'm still just a man."

Shame overcame me for having made him feel bad due to my being a social moron. I recaptured his hand again, lacing our fingers together this time so he was trapped.

"A man who I think is intelligent, strong, compassionate, and extremely patient, which God knows you need to be with me,” I said with a grin. “You’re also a man I find stupidly hot.”

Ben chuckled when I winked at him. “I'm glad you told me. I know what it feels like to be judged to an unfair, higher standard."

"Military life and the Church traditionally have a lot in common."

"Big closets?"

Ben's smile was worth the weak joke. "Past that, they share a theme of service. We give everything to others, but often forget to look after ourselves. It doesn't usually work out well."

"Neither does being a selfish douche-bag, which I was for too long."

"Are we going to talk about that now?"

I hadn't been planning on it, but when Ben asked, there wasn’t really any reason to say no, especially in light of what he had shared with me.

“Yeah, but can we walk and talk?”

“Of course.”

Ben untangled our fingers so he could take the keys out of the ignition and open his car door. I opened mine as well, then met him on the driver’s side. I’d never been a PDA’s kind of guy, but when we started walking and he too my hand, I let him even though it made me squirm a little inside. Max had always been openly affectionate with me, but he wasn’t much for romantic PDA’s either, so Ben was popping my cherry here.

I waited until we were on one of the quieter walking paths before I started talking. "I told you that Connor cheated on me with Devlin, the guy I was sleeping with at the time.”

Ben nodded in acknowledgement.

“Well, Devlin was part of my original Ranger team. So was A.J. He was the friend with me when I walked in on Connor and Dev. Connor was EOD support.” I paused to swallow hard, the slowly rising temperatures suddenly feeling more intense, like the sun was shining down accusation. “We were the only four that made it out when our caravan was attacked. It was supposed to be a safe zone, but the intel was bad, and we were ambushed. Except for those three, I failed to save my team… They were good men who'd never have betrayed me the way Connor and Devlin did, and they all died that night. I was also seriously injured. It all took a toll on me mentally as well as physically, because two of the people I managed to save, people I cared for, stabbed me in the back. Tommy, Micky and Tate, guys who actually had my back with the same loyalty I felt towards them, died, but Connor and Dev lived. I couldn’t understand how God thought any of that was fair. Micky had a wife and two little girls,” I said, feeling my jaw tick. “Tommy had a fiancé. Tate had a girlfriend who came with a kid from a previous marriage, and he adored them both. Devlin had no one but his parents. Connor had Sofia and the girls, but he didn’t even want them. Why did he and Dev get to survive that shitty, fucking night when good people didn’t?”

The f-bomb slipped out, but the softening of Ben’s expression told me I’d get a pass on this one.

I exhaled as we moved toward a grassy knoll that was unoccupied by anyone else, and far enough off the cycling and jogging trails that our conversation wouldn’t be easily overheard. Ben after on the grass and gently tugged on my hand to make his point. As soon as my butt touched the ground, Ben scooted a little closer to me.

“I know you said we can’t understand how God works,” I said after exhaling slowly. “And I get that. But… it still seems unfair.”

“It does,” Ben said softly. That was all he said, and I felt some of the tension in my shoulders release when he didn’t judge me.

“Anyway, I kept it together on the surface after I recovered. Compartmentalized like a son-of-a-bitch, and apparently, I did a good enough job that I was recommended to Delta. Connor wasn’t part of our EOD support, so it gave me a way to cut ties. That was also when I cut ties with Sofia and the girls….”

Ben’s expression suddenly brightened with understanding as he connected his own dots. ”You thought you were protecting them.”

I nodded slightly. “I wanted to do right by them…Obviously I didn’t, because I was too far away to know the monster Connor had become.”

“Oh, Sam.” Ben’s expression softened. “I can’t begin to imagine how difficult a choice that was. It was a mistake, but at least you had the stones to try and fix what was broken by getting on that plane and coming home.”

"I only came back because I had to bring Connor home for his family's sake. It was all about optics."

"Maybe it started that way, but you're staying and putting in the work to try and improve your family relationships. You all had separate lives for a while once Connor was out of the picture. You were in a new stage of your military career, making the world safer for others despite personal risk. Sofia held down her nursing job and paid the mortgage so she could raise her girls as best as she could. Adelyn is trying to find herself but is too young to do it alone. You’re all damaged from trying to compartmentalize and keep your pain to yourselves. But” he said, “None of you are completely broken because you pushed back at life just enough to survive. Now you just need to knit all those separate pieces back together like a comfy patchwork quilt.”

My lips quirked short of a smile. "Any suggestions?

“Stop looking at them like they’re wounded. Seeing them and yourself as survivors, is a hugely helpful mental shift. I told Sofia the same thing."

“That’s fair… easier said than done, but fair.”

Ben nodded, picking at blades of grass. "How long were you and Devlin together?"

I didn’t expect the question, so it took me a minute to switch gears. "Almost a year." Something in my gut sank. We'd invested just short of 12 months of our lives into each other. All wasted when Devlin fucked my brother. "We'd been friends since he enlisted, but one night we got drunk while playing cards. One thing led to another, and it just lasted."

"Were you in love with him?"

"No. But things are different out there. The fear, the adrenaline, they get you mixed up, and all relationships feel more intense. I was devoted to protecting him. He was my responsibility."

Ben pursed his lips, as if he was rolling my words around in his mind. "That's an extreme sense of obligation."

I forced a smile and rolled my head around on my shoulders, feeling it crackle from the tension.

"Tell me," Ben said.

I glanced up in confusion. "Tell you what?"

"Whatever it is that's making you strangle yourself."

Ben reached out to unravel the mangle of silver ball chain that my dog tags had become as I wound them around my hand. I hadn’t even realized I’d taken them out from beneath my t-shirt. I always kept them, and the St. Michaels pendant safely tucked away.

"I'm a people watcher by nature," Ben said. "Whenever you're upset or nervous, you play with your dog tags.”

“Perceptive.” I paused and Ben nodded slightly to encourage me. “They were killed together," I finally said, quietly.

"What?"

"There was an insurgent bomb in a public square. Connor's team was called in to defuse it. I don’t know all of the details, but the jist I got was that something went wrong, and Connor insisted on trying to defuse it. Devlin broke rank to go in after him. When the bomb detonated, they were together."

"And you weren't, so you blame yourself, adding that guilt to everything else you’re trying to deal with.” Ben whistled low. “Sam, I’m a priest, and even I think that's a big cross to be carrying around your neck unless you're planning to seek canonization one day." His thumb rubbed gently back and forth over the top my hand. "Look, I get it. You’ve had so much dumped on you throughout your life. You can regret some of your choices, but rather than doing penance for them, move forward with the strength you gained from all of those difficult experiences, even if it’s at a snail’s pace.”

The gentle understanding in his tone released the tension in my shoulders and I nodded slightly. “I just want my family back.”

“That will happen with time, and all of you having outside supports as well as each other. Everyone needs a tribe. I’d like to be part of yours if you’ll let me.”

My pulse kicked up immediately. “You really want to be part of my crazy family?”

“I’ve been a part of it for a few years,” he said with a grin. “You were just on an extended sabbatical, so our paths hadn’t crossed. But I’ve seen your face in photos in Sofia’s house dozens of times for years, so I already felt like I knew you. But now, I want to know even more. Sam, you're the first guy I've wanted to know intimately in years." His lips quirked with mischief as he leaned close to me, lips almost brushing my ear as he murmured, “Whelan the Weenie never had a chance.”

My laughter came out in a surprised burst of sound. “Father Santiago… I’m shocked, and appalled.”

Ben chuckled and wagged a finger at me. “Not a good idea to lie to a priest, Sam. Andrew is a good man, but I’ve never wanted to share my past with him like I did with you. He’s also never seen certain aspects of my character.”

“Aspects of your character? Is that code for you flirting in ways priests probably only do in bad fanfiction style romance novels?”

He laughed again, that low rumble of sound that always rolled over me like an almost tangible caress. But this time it felt more like a warm hug welcoming me home after a long time away, not a seduction.

“Not that I want Whelan to think he has a shot, but maybe talk to him one day. I don’t think he’d judge you, Ben. I know that I only met him that one time, but he could’ve arrested me. Probably should’ve, but he saw shades of gray in that situation, instead of black and white. Not all cops would.”

Ben looked thoughtful and I shrugged. “It might make you feel better to not have secrets from someone you obviously respect, and it was so long ago. It doesn’t matter. All he might be othered by is that he didn’t know you back then. Though I doubt cops make that kind of money.”

My tease earned me a soft snort and Ben smiled as he nodded. “They don’t, but even if they did, they might be disappointed because I’m out of practice. I haven’t been with anyone in 4 years.”

I blinked, sure that my eyes were rounding a bit like the ones on a pink, toy dragon Emma had. It’s eyes bulged out of its head whenever you squeezed the middle hard. “Really?”

“Really. The last man I dated was a guy named Daniel. He was a kind man. Considerate.” His eyes began to crinkle at the corners, and I knew even before he spoke that he was going to say something to tease me. “Both in and out of my bed.”

He brought our joined hands to his lips to kiss the back of mine, his smile fed into my skin when I made a grumbling sound. “We only lasted a few months. Not enough in common. Neither of us was upset by the breakup, and we’re still on friendly terms. He’s married how, and he and Greg have a two-year-old daughter, Amy.”

“And nothing since then?”

“Nope, not even a kiss shared with anyone else.”

“Until me.”

“Until you,” he agreed. “And it’s been worth the wait.”

Ben ran the tip of his thumb up and down the inside my wrist. My skin tingled from just that chaste touch, and a corner of his mouth rose as if he saw right through me and knew exactly the effect he had over my body.

“I’ve hooked up a few times with a couple of guys since Dev, but mostly Max because he’s s—”

“Safe,” Ben said, plucking the word directly from my mind. I raised an eyebrow but nodded. “We know where we stand.”

"And that’s nice, but I want to get to you know you, Sam. Don’t keep me waiting. Devlin cheated on you because he was a moron. Max is apparently willing to let you slip through his fingers while he's focused on his flavor of the week, so he's another idiot. I like to think I'm more evolved because I can see just how precious time spent with you is."

My ears heated. I’d met priestly, compassionate Ben. I’d also met flirty, sensual Ben. This was a new side; a Ben who played for keeps. "I don't know how to be in a real relationship, Ben.”

“Then let me teach you.”

Despite every dysfunctional tidbit he knew about me, Ben's confidence in me seemed unwavering. That level of trust created a temptation like I'd never known before. If I'd believed in happy endings, it’d be easy to take what he was offering me with both hands, a white picket fence with Sofia and the girls. I just didn't trust myself with that level of responsibility.

I exhaled, but before the words, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t,’ could leave me mouth, my cell’s ringtone chimed in. I answered without looking at the caller ID because I didn’t care whose bell had just saved me. I’d take it.

“Trammell.”

“Sam, are you on your way home?”

I glanced at Ben as Sofia’s voice wafted over toward me. “Yeah, I’ll be there soon. Ben’s going to drive me home,” I said as I looked at Ben whose amusement was obvious. He silently mouthed the word, ‘chicken’ at me. I ignored him. “We’ll grab donuts on the way home. Extra sprinkles for Emma and something filled with sweetness to counteract Addie’s oh-so-loveable sour.”

“Well, she’s in a very sweet mood right now, FYI. She’s even wearing a t-shirt with a rainbow on it instead of profanity.”

She sounded amused which terrified me because I doubted Addie was rocking rainbows in solidarity for me, but I nodded at Ben who gave me a thumbs up.

“OK. Tara’s still there, right?”

“Yes.”

“Does she want a donut?”

Sofia went silent for a moment. I heard the soft, muffled murmur of voices as she obviously spoke to Tara. “She said if you go to Ben’s favorite place, she wants a bananas foster donut,” Sofia said when she came back to the call. “And I want a peanut butter one.”

I lifted an eyebrow because I’d been expecting her to say old fashioned. “New favorite?”

“It's still a cake donut, just dipped in chocolate and covered in peanuts… I’m trying something new.”

“Aren’t we all,” I murmured, looking at Ben who grinned.

“We’ll be there soon.”

Sofia and I disconnected, and I glanced at Ben. “I’m guessing you heard all that?”

I stood up and offered him my hand to help him to his feet. “I did. You owe me a run.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry. I know where you live when I want to collect, and I probably learned a lot more about you than I would’ve had I been trying to catch up with you.”

I grinned as we started walking back toward the car. Ben didn’t let go of my hand. “You afraid you can’t keep up?”

“Baby, life is a marathon, not a sprint. Believe me, I have a very good long game.”

My eyes crossed for a moment and while I was trying to come up with a zinger of a response, Ben leaned in to brush a light kiss across my mouth. “Don’t worry, Sam. I’ll teach you all about endurance.”

Well, shit.

***

Ben’s favorite donut place wasn’t far from the park. At this time of day, the morning rush of people looking for something sweet had died down, so I was able to order a dozen assorted donuts which included, Adelyn’s Boston cream, Tara’s bananas foster, Sofia’s surprising chocolate peanut donut and of course, two sprinkled donuts for Emma; one was strawberry iced, and the other was vanilla, but both were covered with bright, colorful jimmies.

Loaded with sweet offerings, Ben and I drove back to Sofia’s with easy, comfortable conversation about mundane things like the youth group, and Ben’s love of photography and art in general. When we pulled into her driveway, I looked over at him.

“Do you want to come inside for a little bit?”

“Do you want me to?”

I hesitated, then nodded with a slightly sheepish smile. “But not as a shield. I just don’t want to say goodbye yet, and Tara’s here anyway.”

“Fair enough,” Ben said. And it was that simple. Just a smile and agreement.

He held the glass storm door open for me with one hand, the other holding the donut box as I reached into my pocket for my copy of Sofia’s keys. Before I could open the door though, I heard Ema shout, “Uncle Sams here!” It was somewhat distant, like she wasn’t in the main foyer yet. She must’ve seen us through one of the windows.

I looked at Ben. “Get on guard man. Getting between Emma and sprinkles can get dangerous.”

He laughed, but just as I stuck the key into the door, it opened, jerking my hand away from the key. I blinked when I saw Emma standing there, grinning at me. She hadn’t been the one to open the door though. That privilege had been handled by the familiar, tall ginger who’d put on at least twenty pounds of lean muscle since I’d last seen him; a lot of it evident in the shoulder and chest of his tight, short-sleeved, olive drab green t-shirt. He was wearing lightweight, gray cargos and when he swept me with a look and noticed my borrowed shorts, I was afforded the appropriate wolf whistle.

“Lookin’ good, Sarge. Kind of you to share yer assets with all of Florida.”

“Shut up, asshole,” I said, laughing once I was over the shock of seeing one of my two best friends standing in my sister-in-law’s doorway. I pulled A.J. into a hug, then goosed his ribs hard when he shifted one hand low like he planned to see just how high on my thigh the hem of my shorts was. He protested as he danced out of my way with a grin. A.J. was the straight version of Max. A little less of a tomcat, but always ready to play if it was my balls he got to cheerfully bat around.

He looked past me for a moment, then offered a hand to Ben who took it. “A.J. Morgenson, long-time friend and keeper of the secret that we all thought Sam had zero game till now. Thanks for provin' us wrong.”

Ben laughed, pulling A.J. towards him since he was still holding his hand, to help him avoid the palm of my hand which had been aiming for the back of his head. “It was my pleasure. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Ben Santago, long-time friend of Sofia and company, and hopefully life-long friend of Sam’s.”

“I’ll drink to that later. Right now, we have a lot of XX chromosomes in there awaitin' their fancy donuts. I hope there’s a jelly one in there for me.”

“Only because it rounded out the dozen. I didn’t even know you were here, man.”

A.J. grinned. “That’s the entire point of a surprise. Feel loved, Sam. I pretty much dropped everythin' after some extensive schedule adjustments once Max booked me a plane ticket. Little shit didn’t spring for first class, but business worked just fine.”

I arched an eyebrow as his words finally registered in my brain. “You’re the fucking surprise my seventeen-year-old niece was very interested in?!”

Beside me, I heard Ben’s muffled snort evolve into straight out laughter.