The Confused Traffic Light - 1. The Confused Traffic Light

I feel like a traffic light at an intersection near the super bowl. Pedestrians keep hitting the walk button so many times I don't know which side needs to be green anymore.

What the hell am I saying? I am a traffic light at an intersection near the super bowl. Okay, last year’s Super Bowl, but whatever.

My name is Ryg, pronounced Rig. I guess my name is really an acronym, Red/Yellow/Green. So maybe my name is Red. I don’t know. It’s better than Gyr I guess. That sounds like a growl. Maybe that’s more accurate right now. I’m growling every time a dumb human pushes the stupid button. They think it actually does something. Well, aside from sending a shock up my ass.

They think it’s supposed to speed up my color decisions. It doesn’t. Not any more than pushing the elevator button seventy-three times makes the elevator get there any faster. Believe me, I know. There’s a dozen elevators in the buildings on three of my corners, they bitch about it all the time. I can occasionally even hear their screams of frustration.

I think I’m one of those smart traffic lights, you know, IOT, Internet Of Things. I’m connected. Of course I’m fucking connected; gotta get power from somewhere. I got programmed once. Eighteen years ago. Forty-five seconds green, five seconds yellow, forty-five seconds red. Same on all four sides. Repeat ad infinitum.

It’s raining today. For some strange reason, I’m feeling shocks without the dumb humans pushing buttons. There are hardly any of them around. The wind is blowing like mad and I’m constantly leaning and turning. I catch a glimpse of a spark at my control box. Damn, that hurts like a sunnovabitch.

Wait. Did I just do what I think I did? Let me try again.

Holy fuck! I can change my colors at will. Nobody’s coming, can I….

Yes! Green on all four sides. Let me…

Yep, red all around and yellow all around work too. Yellow means caution, but the dumb humans in cars think it means speed up. Yeah, get through the light before it goes red ya dumb shit.

Okay, cars coming from two directions. Both green. Patience, wait, wait. They’re close. Both yellow!

CRASH!

Oh man, that was fucking awesome. Except maybe the flying metal that nearly hit me. Can’t be breaking my bulbs. Oh shit, cops. Back to the normal green, yellow, red cycle.

Yeah, you’re gonna need a flatbed for that one, genius. Who knew axles could fall right off like that?

Oh, this is good. The two drivers are yelling at each other. I just fucking love road rage. He throws a right. Oooh, was that a tooth? Oh, yeah, spit your bloody mouth at him. OK, the cops are separating them. No gunfight at the corner of Oak Street and Corral today.

Hey! You’re not supposed to…

The one cop had someone drive right on through the red? Not cool, dude. Not cool at all. And stopping the green side? What kind of idiot are you? Let me help you out. Yellow. Make it flash. Yeah, that’s good.

Don’t look at me like that! You want cars going through willy nilly, then they’ll do it on yellow. Yeah, walk around looking up at me. Yellow four ways. Good. Shrug your shoulders and get back to work. Put the doughnut down and do your damn job.

Okay, he didn’t really have a doughnut.

Yep, move along. Nothing to see here. Really. The mess is cleaned up, there really is nothing to see. I can’t wait for rush hour. I know just what I want to do.

I meditated the past few hours. Chanted, actually. Red, green, yellow… Red, green, yellow… Red, green, yellow… story of my life, you know?

Anyway, lots more cars on my roads now. Hey, I control the traffic. If I want to call them my roads, it’s well within my rights to do so. Tough shit if you don’t like it.

OK, time to royally fuck up traffic now. Hehe.

All red. Good, everybody stopped.

Green to the north and south. North-north-east and south-south-west to be perfectly accurate. Well, even that isn’t PERFECTLY accurate, but is north-north-north-east-north-east ever really used?

Not too long, two cars at a time. Now, east and west. Even shorter, one car.

Red all around again. Yeah, no point in honking, asshole. He can’t move.

North/south again. A little longer, three cars. I SAID THREE, you dumb shit. That’s it, east/west for a bunch of cars. Eleven, twelve, yeah, keep going people. I’m making north/south wait a while.

Okay, east/west yellow for a bit… that’s enough. Ha! North/south car number two got out to push the button. Green for you. Yeah, run back to your car, fatso. Oops. Didn’t make it? Too bad, so sad. Yep, bang that steering wheel. Okay, green for you fatso.

Yeah, real mature. Give a traffic light the finger. Okay, back to my mantra. The next guy will probably shoot me.

Pedestrian vs. car. Should I? No. Better not. Keep the car’s direction red.

Oooh, ooh, two trucks. Let’s get them both green. Wait for it. East/west yellow. Yes, speed up. North/south not slowing down. Good, good. And here it comes.

BOOM!

Flames? What the hell was in that one pulling the long cylindrical thing.

No. Get away. Come on. Burn somewhere else. Not… Ow. Ow. Hot. Hot.

POP! Pop, pop, pop. Pop.

Stop! I can’t see to the east.

Pop. Pop. Pop. There goes north.

Pop. Pop. Pop. Aaaahhh! Only one bulb to the west left. Please. I don’t want to be blind!

POP!

Nooooooooo!

Oh, woe is me. I can’t see. I’m useless. What good is a traffic light with no lights? I know I’ll be in that Twilight Zone episode soon.

“You are obsolete!”

I won’t even know when they come to repair me. Will they even try to repair me? I bet they’ll just take me down and throw me into a trash heap somewhere.

I feel hands. Is that a drill I hear? I’m being taken down. No! Just put new bulbs in me.

What do you mean obsolete? I was kidding!

Elly Dees? Didn’t she sing backup on Disco Duck? What does Elly Dees have to do with traffic lights.

Feels like I’m flying.

THUNK

Oof, that wasn’t a very soft landing. Where am I going? Wait. Put me back up. Take me back.

PLEEEEEEASEEEEEE!!

The End