Inanimate Objects Understood - 1. Chapter 1 - Larry The Ladder

Nobody in town knew exactly when Walter Briggs had decided that his ladder was capable of solving problems.

They only knew that one day Walter had purchased an ordinary six-foot aluminum stepladder from the hardware store, brought it home, and named it Larry.

From that day forward, wherever Walter went, Larry went too.

Walter took Larry to the grocery store.

He took Larry to the bank.

He once took Larry to a dentist appointment and leaned him against the wall in the waiting room.

The receptionist stared at the ladder for several seconds before finally asking, “Sir...why did you bring a ladder to the dentist?”

Walter looked surprised by the question.

“You never know when somebody might need Larry.”

Nobody needed Larry.

But that did not discourage Walter.

Walter believed every problem had a solution.

And quite often, that solution was a ladder.

One Tuesday morning, Walter was walking down Main Street with Larry balanced across his shoulder when he spotted his neighbor, Margaret, sitting outside the coffee shop.

Margaret looked frustrated.

Walter immediately stopped.

“You look like you have a problem.”

“I do,” Margaret said. “I got into an argument with my sister, and somehow I argued myself right into a corner.”

Walter's eyes widened.

He slowly lowered Larry from his shoulder.

“I can help.”

Margaret looked at the ladder.

Then she looked at Walter.

Then she looked at the ladder again.

“Walter...why are you putting that ladder down?”

“You said you were in a corner.”

“Yes.”

Walter opened Larry and carefully positioned him beside her.

“There you go.”

Margaret stared at him.

“What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Climb out.”

Margaret blinked.

“Climb out of what?”

“The corner.”

There was a long silence.

Finally Margaret stood up.

“Walter, if I argue myself into a corner, I don't need a ladder.”

Walter frowned.

“You don't?”

“No! I just turn around and walk out of the corner!”

Walter looked at Larry.

Larry, being a ladder, offered no opinion.

Walter slowly folded him back up.

“Well,” he said, “Larry tried.”

“No, Walter. Larry stood there.”

“That is how Larry tries.”

Margaret shook her head and walked away.

Walter picked Larry up and continued down Main Street.

Five minutes later he found another problem.

Mr. Henderson was standing outside his hardware store, staring at a piece of paper.

Walter stopped.

“Problem?”

“Yes,” Mr. Henderson sighed. “I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get my sales numbers up.”

Walter's face brightened.

He lowered Larry.

Mr. Henderson immediately pointed at him.

“No.”

Walter froze.

“I haven't said anything yet.”

“You were going to tell me to climb Larry.”

“I was going to suggest that Larry could help you get your numbers up.”

“No.”

Walter picked Larry back up.

“You people are making this harder than it needs to be.”

At lunchtime Walter carried Larry into the diner.

The waitress, Beth, saw him coming and pointed toward the door.

“Walter, Larry stays outside.”

“He doesn't like being left alone.”

“He's a ladder.”

“He has feelings.”

“He's aluminum.”

Walter looked offended.

“So now aluminum can't have feelings?”

Beth stared at him.

Walter stared back.

Larry remained neutral.

Finally Beth sighed.

“Fine. Put him against the wall, but if I trip over Larry again, he's eating outside from now on.”

Walter carefully leaned Larry against the wall.

“Did you hear that?” he whispered. “Behave.”

A man sitting at the counter slowly moved two stools farther away.

Walter ordered a hamburger and fries.

Everything went peacefully until Beth walked into the dining room carrying a tray and muttered, “I am so behind today.”

Walter's head snapped up.

He looked at Larry.

Beth saw him looking at Larry.

“Don't.”

“But you're behind.”

“Walter.”

“Larry could help you get ahead.”

“Walter!”

Everyone in the diner turned around.

Walter quietly returned to his hamburger.

A few minutes later, however, a customer called from the other side of the room.

“Beth! Your clock stopped!”

Beth looked up at the large clock hanging high on the wall.

Sure enough, the second hand wasn't moving.

Walter slowly smiled.

Beth looked at him.

Walter looked at Larry.

The entire diner looked at Larry.

Beth closed her eyes.

“Oh, fine.”

Walter jumped up.

“Larry! This is our moment!”

For the first time all day, Larry actually had a legitimate purpose.

Walter proudly carried him across the diner, opened him beneath the clock, climbed three steps, removed the clock from the wall, and handed it to Beth.

The diner erupted in applause.

Walter climbed down looking like a man who had just saved the entire town.

He patted Larry affectionately.

“I told you.”

Beth rolled her eyes.

“You used a ladder to reach something high. That's what ladders are for.”

Walter smiled.

“Exactly. Problem solved.”

Unfortunately, that one success made everything worse.

By Wednesday morning, Walter had become convinced that Larry's reputation was spreading.

When he saw two men arguing over a parking space, he rushed over with Larry.

“Gentlemen! Perhaps Larry can help.”

Both men stopped arguing.

One of them stared at Walter.

“With what?”

Walter thought for a moment.

He hadn't gotten that far.

“Perspective?”

They got into their cars and left.

Walter considered that another success.

The argument had stopped.

That afternoon, Walter found Margaret again.

She was sitting on her front porch with a stack of bills.

“What's wrong?”

“I've got bills piling up.”

Walter immediately set Larry down.

Margaret pointed at him.

“Don't you dare.”

“But you said they're piling up.”

“I am not climbing over my electric bill.”

Walter folded Larry again.

“You never give him a chance.”

The next morning Walter visited the bank.

He carried Larry through the front doors.

The security guard stared at him.

“Why do you have a ladder?”

Walter smiled.

“I heard interest rates were going up.”

“Get out.”

Walter left.

Larry had apparently reached the limits of the financial sector.

By Friday, nearly everyone in town knew about Walter and Larry.

Some people avoided them.

Some deliberately mentioned problems just to see what Walter would do.

One teenager told Walter his grades were falling.

Walter opened Larry.

“Start climbing.”

Another man said he couldn't get over his ex-wife.

Walter offered Larry.

The man stared at him for several seconds.

“You know what? I actually feel better now.”

Walter smiled proudly.

“Larry.”

Then came Saturday.

Walter was carrying Larry through the park when he heard someone shouting.

“My cat! Somebody help!”

Walter looked up.

A woman stood beneath a large oak tree.

High above her, sitting on a thick branch, was a terrified orange cat.

Walter stopped.

The woman saw Larry.

Her eyes widened.

“Oh, thank goodness! You have a ladder!”

Walter slowly looked at Larry.

Then at the tree.

Then back at Larry.

For once, there was no metaphor.

No misunderstanding.

No sales numbers.

No emotional corner.

No bills piling up.

There was simply a cat in a tree.

And Walter had a ladder.

He opened Larry beneath the lowest branch.

“Don't worry,” Walter said. “We've trained for this.”

Larry had not trained for anything.

Nevertheless, Walter climbed carefully upward, reached the branch, scooped the frightened cat into one arm, and slowly climbed back down.

The woman grabbed her cat and hugged it.

“Thank you! Thank you so much!”

Several people nearby applauded.

Walter stood proudly beside Larry.

Margaret happened to be walking through the park and had seen the whole thing.

She came over smiling.

“Well, Walter, I have to admit it. Larry really did solve that problem.”

Walter nodded.

“I've been telling you that all week.”

“Yes, but this time the problem actually required a ladder.”

Walter looked confused.

“What difference does that make?”

Margaret laughed.

Then she noticed Walter staring thoughtfully at Larry.

“What?”

“I've been thinking.”

Margaret immediately became concerned.

“That usually doesn't end well.”

“Larry needs a partner.”

“No.”

“I think I'm going back to the hardware store.”

“Walter.”

“I could get a toolbox.”

“Walter.”

“I'll name him Tommy.”

“Please don't.”

Walter picked up Larry and started walking toward the hardware store.

Margaret called after him.

“Walter! A toolbox isn't going to solve every problem either!”

Walter turned around.

“Of course not!”

Margaret relaxed.

For one beautiful second, she thought Walter had finally understood.

Then he smiled.

“That's why I'll still have Larry.”

And with that, Walter continued down Main Street carrying his ladder, already planning the beginning of what he proudly called his Problem-Solving Team.

Margaret watched him disappear around the corner.

She shook her head.

“At least he knows how to get out of one.”

From somewhere around the corner, Walter shouted:

“I HEARD THAT!”

Margaret laughed.

And Larry, as usual, said absolutely nothing.

Which was probably why everyone in town agreed that Larry was the sensible one.