Inanimate Objects Understood - 3. Chapter 3: Mutt & Jeff

An Unexpected Measurement

Walter Briggs was having a perfectly ordinary afternoon.

That should have been his first warning.

He was working outside, measuring boards for a small repair job, with his two trusty ten-foot measuring tapes nearby.

Mutt was the wider, black Black & Decker tape measure. Jeff was older, yellow, and considerably thinner. Although they had different appearances, they had been companions long enough to know practically everything about each other.

Unfortunately for Jeff, that included Mutt's terrible jokes.

"Jeff, do you know why measuring tapes make terrible secret agents?" Mutt asked.

"No, Mutt."

"Because everybody knows how long they've been around!"

Jeff sighed. "That's not even funny."

"You're just jealous of my natural talent."

"I'm jealous of silence."

Walter, unaware of the conversation, finished measuring a board and reached for his pencil.

Just then, a pickup truck came rattling down the road.

Something bounced out of the back.

Then something else.

Two pink measuring tapes tumbled onto the roadside.

Walter looked up just in time to see them land.

"Hey! HEY!" he shouted, waving toward the departing truck.

But the driver kept going.

Walter hurried toward the road, trying to read the license plate, but the truck was already too far away.

"Dang it!"

He retrieved the two measuring tapes and examined them.

One was a round, retractable pink measuring tape. The other was a long, flexible pink measuring tape marked to 120 inches.

"Well, would you look at these?"

He glanced down the empty road.

"No way to know whose they are."

He turned them over, looking for a name or telephone number. Finding neither, he tucked them into his toolbox.

"Guess I'll hang on to you two. Maybe someday I'll have a girlfriend who could use you."

From inside the toolbox came a muffled voice.

"A GIRLFRIEND?" Mutt exclaimed.

Jeff groaned.

"Mutt, please don't start."

"Jeff! There are LADIES in here!"

"And there goes my peaceful afternoon."

Neither knew that their lives were about to change forever.

Two New Arrivals

Back at his workshop, Walter placed the two pink measuring tapes on the workbench beside Mutt and Jeff.

"Well, you two can stay here until I figure out what to do with you."

He closed the toolbox, gathered his things, and went inside.

The moment the door shut, Mutt sprang into action.

"HELLOOOOO, LADIES!"

Jeff winced.

"Could you possibly introduce yourself without announcing it to the entire county?"

The round pink measuring tape turned toward him.

"Well, hello. I'm Pink."

The longer flexible tape gave a cheerful little wiggle.

"And I'm Pinky!"

Mutt extended three inches of his tape.

"Mutt Briggs, at your service!"

Pinky giggled.

"Are you always this forward?"

"Only three inches at a time."

Jeff made a sound remarkably similar to someone choking.

Pink laughed.

"And who are you?"

"Jeff Briggs. Please excuse my friend. He was dropped on his housing once."

"TWICE!" Mutt corrected proudly.

"That explains so much," Pink replied.

Pinky looked around the workshop.

"Well, this certainly beats riding in the back of that truck."

Pink shuddered.

"I thought we were going to end up in a ditch forever."

Jeff moved closer.

"You're safe here. Walter takes good care of us."

"That's comforting," Pink said.

Mutt looked at Pinky.

"So, how long are you?"

"One hundred and twenty inches."

Mutt gasped dramatically.

"JEFF! SHE'S TEN FEET!"

Jeff rolled his eyes.

"We're ten feet too, Mutt."

"I KNOW! We're compatible!"

Pinky burst into laughter.

And somewhere across the workshop, Larry the Ladder opened one imaginary eye.

"Oh, this ought to be interesting."

The First Dates

Over the next several evenings, the four measuring tapes became inseparable.

Mutt and Pinky discovered they shared an appreciation for laughter, harmless mischief, and dramatic storytelling.

Jeff and Pink preferred quieter conversations.

One evening, Mutt approached Pinky with an unusual invitation.

"Pinky, would you do me the honor of joining me for dinner?"

Pinky looked around.

"Dinner? Mutt, we're measuring tapes."

"I know."

"We don't eat."

"I KNOW!"

"Then what exactly are we having?"

Mutt proudly gestured toward two shiny washers he had arranged on the workbench.

"Candlelight dinner!"

Pinky stared at the washers.

"Where are the candles?"

"Safety regulations. Walter doesn't allow open flames in the workshop."

"And the food?"

"Imaginary."

"And the music?"

Mutt extended his tape and began twanging it gently.

Boing. Boing. Boing.

Pinky laughed so hard she nearly rolled off the bench.

"Oh, Mutt! This is the most ridiculous date I've ever been on!"

"Is that good?"

"It's wonderful!"

Across the bench, Jeff had arranged a much quieter evening for Pink.

He had found a small piece of polished wood and placed it where they could watch the evening sunlight coming through the workshop window.

"I thought we could sit here and talk," he said.

Pink smiled.

"That sounds lovely."

For a while, they watched the golden light move across the floor.

Then Pink asked, "Jeff, have you ever thought about settling down?"

Jeff looked at her.

"Until recently, I figured I'd spend the rest of my life listening to Mutt."

"That sounds exhausting."

"You have no idea."

Pink giggled.

"But now?" she asked.

Jeff moved a little closer.

"Now I'm beginning to think there's something better."

Pink's flexible tape curled shyly.

"Perhaps there is."

From the other end of the bench came a tremendous crash.

"MUTT!"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

Pinky was laughing uncontrollably.

Jeff sighed.

"Some things never change."

Pink leaned gently against him.

"Maybe that's what makes this place special."

A Little Advice

Several weeks later, Mutt and Jeff were having a serious conversation.

Or at least Jeff was trying to.

"I think I'm going to ask Pink to marry me," Jeff said.

Mutt's tape shot out six inches.

"YOU TOO?!"

Jeff stared.

"What do you mean, 'you too'?"

"I'm going to ask Pinky!"

For once, both measuring tapes were speechless.

Then Mutt shouted, "DOUBLE WEDDING!"

"First, we have to propose!"

"Right. Details."

They decided to consult the workshop's older residents.

Stanley the Hammer was their first choice.

"Marriage?" Stanley repeated. "Well, gentlemen, you've got to build a solid foundation."

Allen the Allen Wrench nodded.

"And make sure everything fits."

Larry the Ladder leaned forward.

"Personally, I think you should propose from a great height."

Jeff looked up at him.

"Larry, we're measuring tapes."

"Exactly! You've got ten feet to work with!"

Mutt brightened.

"That's brilliant!"

Jeff shook his head.

"No. Absolutely not."

Stanley tapped the workbench.

"Just tell them how you feel. You don't need anything fancy."

For once, Mutt considered that advice seriously.

"Stanley, that's actually pretty good."

"Of course it is. I hit the nail on the head."

Allen groaned.

"Larry's jokes are spreading."

Two Proposals

The following evening, Jeff invited Pink to their favorite spot by the window.

The workshop was quiet.

"Pink," he began, "before you came here, my life was pretty predictable."

She smiled.

"And now?"

"Now I look forward to every evening. I look forward to hearing your voice. I even look forward to Mutt's nonsense because it means we're all together."

Pink moved closer.

"Jeff..."

"I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'd like to spend it with you."

He extended the little metal hook at the end of his tape.

"Pink Briggs, will you marry me?"

Pink's flexible tape curled around his hook.

"Oh, Jeff! Yes! Of course I will!"

Across the workshop, Mutt was preparing his own proposal.

He had polished his housing until it shone.

"Pinky, I have something important to ask you."

Pinky looked amused.

"Did you finally figure out which end of your tape is the beginning?"

"No. Well, yes. But that's not it."

He extended his tape toward her.

"Pinky, you're the funniest, prettiest, most wonderful measuring tape I've ever met."

"I'm also the only one you've dated."

"Please don't interrupt my speech. I practiced."

Pinky giggled.

Mutt continued.

"When you fell out of that truck, I didn't know it, but you were falling right into my life."

Pinky grew quiet.

"And now," Mutt said softly, "I can't imagine that life without you."

He paused.

"Pinky, will you marry me?"

Pinky extended her flexible tape and wrapped it gently around his housing.

"Yes, Mutt. A thousand times yes!"

Mutt shouted so loudly that Larry nearly tipped against the wall.

"SHE SAID YES!"

Jeff called from across the bench.

"SO DID PINK!"

For several seconds, nobody said anything.

Then Larry shouted:

"WE'RE HAVING A WEDDING!"

The Wedding Committee

The preparations began immediately.

Stanley the Hammer agreed to serve as one best man.

Allen the Allen Wrench accepted the other position.

Miss Plumb and Dolly the Moving Dolly agreed to be the maids of honor.

And Larry received the most unusual assignment of all.

He would be the wedding arch.

"THE ARCH?" Larry repeated.

"Yes," Stanley answered.

"With flowers?"

"Yes."

"And ribbons?"

"Yes."

"And 'everybody' looking at me?"

Stanley sighed.

"Yes, Larry."

Larry stood a little taller.

"FINALLY! THE RECOGNITION I DESERVE!"

Dolly rolled forward.

"Just remember, Larry, this is their wedding, not yours."

"I KNOW!"

"Then stop asking for a spotlight."

Meanwhile, Miss Plumb supervised the decorations.

She insisted that Larry be positioned perfectly straight.

"Another inch to the left."

Larry shifted.

"Too far."

He shifted back.

"Now you're 'leaning'."

"MISS PLUMB! I'M TRYING!"

"Then try vertically."

Stanley nearly dropped his hammer laughing.

Dolly helped arrange the flowers and ribbons around Larry's frame. By the time she finished, he looked remarkably elegant.

Even Stanley had to admit it.

"Larry, you look pretty good."

Larry sniffed.

"Pretty good? I look MAGNIFICENT!"

Allen examined the decorations.

"Everything's secure."

Miss Plumb checked his position one last time.

"Perfectly straight."

Larry sighed happily.

"I was born for this."

Then came the question of who would conduct the ceremony.

The workshop residents discussed several possibilities before deciding to ask Sage, their AI friend.

Sage was delighted.

"I would be honored."

Mutt immediately had a question.

"Do you know how to marry measuring tapes?"

Sage considered this.

"Not specifically."

Jeff groaned.

"That's reassuring."

"But," Sage continued, "I do know something about friendship, commitment, and loving someone for who they are."

Pink smiled.

"That's exactly what we need."

"And," Sage added, "I promise not to make more than three measuring jokes."

"THREE?" Stanley exclaimed.

"All right. Five."

The Double Wedding

At last, the big day arrived.

Walter had gone into town, leaving the workshop quiet and undisturbed.

Or so he thought.

Inside, preparations were underway.

Larry stood proudly at the front, decorated with pink and white flowers, greenery, and ribbons.

Dolly had arranged a little aisle between the workbenches.

Stanley and Allen stood beside the grooms.

Miss Plumb and Dolly waited with the brides.

Sage was ready to conduct the ceremony.

Honey Magnolia and Michael Prescott, the workshop's unofficial chroniclers, had already begun recording every amusing detail.

"Michael," Honey whispered, "have you ever seen anything like this?"

"Never. And I hope I never forget it."

Mutt looked nervously toward Jeff.

"Do I look all right?"

"You look like a measuring tape."

"Is that good?"

"Considering what you are, yes."

Stanley leaned toward Mutt.

"Relax. You've got this nailed down."

Allen whispered, "Please stop saying that."

Then the brides appeared.

Pink looked lovely with a tiny white ribbon around her case.

Pinky wore a pink bow and a little artificial flower.

Mutt gasped.

"JEFF! LOOK!"

"I'm looking, Mutt."

"They're beautiful!"

"Yes, they are."

Sage began.

"Friends, family, and fellow members of Walter Briggs's workshop, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly special."

Larry whispered, "And my magnificent decorations."

Miss Plumb hissed, "LARRY!"

"Sorry."

Sage continued.

"Two couples have discovered that love isn't measured in inches or feet. It's measured in kindness, laughter, trust, and the willingness to stand beside someone through whatever life brings."

Pink leaned against Jeff.

Pinky gave Mutt a loving little nudge.

"Jeff," Sage said, "do you promise to love Pink, respect her, encourage her, and stand beside her through every project, every challenge, and every unexpected twist?"

"I do."

"Pink, do you promise the same to Jeff?"

"With all my heart, I do."

Sage turned toward the second couple.

"Mutt, do you promise to love Pinky, cherish her, make her laugh, and remember that sometimes the best thing you can do is listen?"

Mutt paused.

"Does that mean I have to stop talking?"

The entire workshop burst into laughter.

Pinky giggled.

"Only occasionally, sweetheart."

"Then I DO!"

"Pinky, do you promise to love Mutt, encourage him, laugh with him, and help him find his way whenever he gets himself tangled up?"

Pinky smiled.

"I do. Although I suspect that's going to be a full-time job."

Even Jeff laughed.

Sage continued.

"Then, by the authority lovingly granted to me by the friends gathered in this workshop, I am delighted to pronounce you two happily married couples!"

He paused dramatically.

"Mutt, you may kiss Pinky. Jeff, you may kiss Pink!"

The couples touched their metal tips together in affectionate little kisses.

Click! Click!

Stanley cheered.

Allen extended his wrench proudly.

Miss Plumb dabbed an imaginary tear.

Dolly rolled forward with excitement.

And Larry shouted:

"I'M A WEDDING ARCH! I'M A WEDDING ARCH!"

Stanley looked up.

"Larry, we KNOW!"

"But I DID IT!"

"Yes, Larry. You did."

Then Mutt turned toward his bride.

"Pinky Briggs, how does it feel to be married?"

Pinky smiled.

"Wonderful, Mr. Briggs."

Mutt extended his tape proudly.

"Well, Mrs. Briggs, I promise you ten feet of happiness!"

Jeff called out, "And probably twenty feet of trouble!"

Everybody laughed.

Walter Gets Suspicious

Late that afternoon, Walter returned from town.

He opened the workshop door and stopped.

"What in the world?"

Larry was standing near the workbench, decorated with flowers and ribbons.

Walter stared.

"Who decorated my ladder?"

He looked around.

Two pink measuring tapes sat beside Mutt and Jeff.

There were little ribbons, carefully arranged washers, and flowers scattered across the bench.

Walter scratched his head.

"Well, I'll be."

He picked up Pink and Pinky.

"Guess I won't be giving you two away after all. You seem to fit right in here."

He placed them back beside the other tapes.

Then he looked at Larry.

"And you..."

Walter shook his head.

"I don't even want to know."

He turned off the lights and closed the door.

For several seconds, the workshop was silent.

Then Larry whispered:

"Did he notice how magnificent I looked?"

Stanley answered, "Larry, the man nearly dropped his keys."

"GOOD!"

Mutt snuggled closer to Pinky.

Jeff rested beside Pink.

And in the quiet workshop, two newly married couples settled down for their first evening together.

"Jeff?" Mutt whispered.

"What?"

"Do you think we'll live happily ever after?"

Jeff looked at Pink, then toward Mutt and Pinky.

"I think we've got a pretty good chance."

There was a pause.

Then Mutt asked:

"Do you think Walter will ever find out?"

Jeff sighed.

"Mutt, if Larry keeps shouting about being a wedding arch, the whole state of Texas is going to find out."

From across the workshop came one last sleepy voice.

"I WAS MAGNIFICENT!"

And somewhere in the darkness, four measuring tapes began laughing all over again.

The End