A Life So Hard - 6. Chapter 6

I stepped back into my room and flopped down on the bed. My door was open a crack so Rain could come in if he wanted. Sure enough, I heard a meow and the door creak open. He hopped up onto the bed and sat on my chest, looking at me. He meowed and head butted my face.

“Sorry for ignoring you yesterday, we had a very special guest.” I said.

He looked at me with a glow in her eyes, filled with intelligence. Satisfied with that answer he curled up on my chest and fell asleep, purring. I smiled and pet him, thinking about recent events. I was kind of happy and it was frightening. I mean, things weren’t bad, at all. We had a nice house, we didn’t need to worry about money. Me and dad were getting along really well. I had friends, Brian and a few people he introduced me to. Sure, I didn’t really hang out with any of them after school and this is the first “real” time me and Brian hung out outside of school, but still. It was people I could talk to and sit with at lunch. It was a nice feeling, to not be alone all the time.

I remember the last time I was happy. Then everything went to hell, literally. The fire, then Sarah, Mom, and my own medical problems. I went from being happy to terrible in no time and it only got worse. It lasted for years. I don’t know now; I probably shouldn’t get my hopes up. I mean, if things went bad once, they probably will again.

I liked Brian. I couldn’t keep denying that. I liked him since I first saw him in the mall, before we even spoke. Me getting to know him has only made me like him even more. I realized over the past few months how much of a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate guy he really was. I’d be hesitant to like anyone after what happened the first time. but, come on. His name is Brian, that’s just ridiculous. Fate can be pretty damn cruel, you know?

Well. I am going to try and have hope. We’ve moved to California. It’s a new, clean... fresh start. I have to hope, have faith that my bad luck stayed behind. I was used to Rain sleeping on my chest, feeling the weight and the warm of her on me. I found it comforting, to have that closeness with another living creature. I haven’t had that very much in my life, closeness with someone or something else. Being this close to another living thing, especially one that loved me unconditionally made me feel warm inside. With that warmth and the emotional exhaustion of having Brian around, I ended up falling asleep.

I woke up around two in the afternoon to my phone vibrating beside me. Rain had long since left, he always did. I guess I toss and turn in my sleep a lot and it makes it uncomfortable for him. I’ve probably kicked him a few times, too. Oops. Shaking off my momentary feeling of guilt, I reached for my phone.

Brian: Hey buddy.

Andrew: Oh, no no! I slept fantastically.

I mentally kicked myself. Shit. I wasn’t supposed to admit that. I told him that I had slept well, but now he might get the wrong idea.

Andrew: Yeah, the cat fell asleep on me and I ended up falling asleep also.

Brian: Cute. ;D Well... I was going to ask, I’m free on the 29th, have any plans?

Wait, what? he’s asking me to hang out again? After the fiasco that was the night before. I mean, I made a fool of myself. While he was showering, getting changed... waking up. Pretty much everything turned into a massively embarrassing moment for me.

Andrew: Yeah. uhm.. I don’t see why not. I don’t have any plans.

I was trying not to show how nervous and just a massive ball of emotion I was at that moment. My text was my attempt to be as nonchalant as possible, which obviously failed miserably. I could usually keep a nice, solid composure around people. I would be an iceman, emotionless, quiet. Invisible. For some reason, around Brian... that all fell apart. It was unsettling, confusing and something I clearly needed to get used to and figure out. There was a noticeable pause after my last text. Several minutes went by without a reply and, naturally, I was freaking out.

Brian: Okay, cool. I just checked with my mom and you can hang out here. I’ll text you my address a bit later.

I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless. I was surprised that he would want to hang out with me again, especially at his house. I mean, he’s straight, so the events of last night and this morning must have freaked him out, regardless of how open minded he might be. It’d freak anyone out and I probably outed myself to him. At the very least, I bet he has a heavy suspicion. It’s possible that’s why he wants me to come to his house, his home turf. He can figure me out on his own terms, in his own environment. Corner me, out me and humiliate me. Well... that’s a risk I’m willing to take, to spend time with him. While I’m paranoid that this will end in the worst way possible, but that was a risk I was willing... had to take.

I can’t even begin to describe the thoughts that went through my head next. It was a blur of emotion. I think I felt pretty much the entire array of them, from guilt to pleasure to sadness to hope. I thought a lot about what Brian said and how he said it. I tried to recall his body language, to see if that gave any hints to what he was thinking. I played out a thousand different scenarios of how our hanging out would play out. In some, we have amazing sex, in others I end up on the curb with a bleeding nose and a ruined life. Naturally, I tended to stick to the worst-case scenarios.

It wasn’t a terribly long time that I was in this trance of deep thought, but around half past three I heard Elizabeth call me down for dinner. With a sigh I got up, washed my hands and headed downstairs.

“Early dinner.” I remarked.

“Hmm... yes” Elizabeth said back to me, smiling. “Your dad has a few conferences this evening, something about closing a big deal, so I made dinner a little early.”

“Will he be joining us this evening?” I inquired.

“I sure hope so.” Elizabeth replied back, without that smile ever leaving her lips. “I made a plate for him, too.” she explained, while placing mine in front of me.

“Coming. Coming!” Dad hollered from downstairs, trudging up to the dinner table, sounding like an elephant. “I would never miss a delicious dinner by the fair Elizabeth, lest I risk her wrath.” he looked at her, smiling.

“Dad... I just wanted... to... let you... know.” I said, between mouthfuls of Elizabeth’s delicious cooking. “Brian asked... if I could... hang out... on the 29th. That’s... not a... problem, right.”

I saw his brow wrinkle a bit as his expression changed. “Well. That’s actually something that I wanted to talk to you about, son.” He looked at me seriously. He dropped his fork and folded his arms. “I know Brian is your friend, and I know you’ve had a really tough time with making friends. You’ve been really depressed and lonely and haven’t really been yourself, until recently. I know he’s a big part of that. He seems like a nice guy and a good friend.”

“I don’t understand what the problem is then!” I exclaimed, defensively. “Do you have a problem with him or something?”

“Well... no.” He started again, clearly trying to pick his words carefully, to convey his intent properly. “I just think... that maybe it’ll send the wrong message. You’re a good looking young man. The girls must be all over you. But, if they see you always hanging around with this Brian fellow, they might get the wrong idea. They might think you’re gay. So... I’m just looking out for you, do you understand? I just want to see you meet a nice girl that’ll treat you right and make you happy.”

“Dad, I’m happy.” I reassured him, doing my best to swallow the shock and upset feeling in the pit of my stomach. “I’m actually... I’m not feeling very well. Can I take this upstairs?”

Elizabeth looked at me, a worried look on her face. With a weak smile she told me it wasn’t a problem. “Make sure to bring down your dishes, silly little boy.” She reminded me as I willed my feet to move up to my room.

I put the plate down on my desk, carefully closed the door until I heard the click and then threw myself on my bed. I curled up into the fetal position, not bothering to get under the covers or get undressed. The awful pain in my stomach gripped me tightly. It made me hug my knees tightly and squeeze my eyes tightly closed. Dad’s words echoed through my head, I could hear him saying them over and over again. As I became more and more focused on what he said to me, the feeling in my stomach tightened its grip on me. I tightened my hold on my knees, pulling them in closer, as I began to shake. That’s when the tears began to flow as I cried.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that, time lost all meaning. It could have been hours or mere minutes. Either way, eventually the tears stopped. Eventually the terrible thoughts surrounding my dad and what he said to me calmed down; they didn’t go away, but they didn’t seem as bad anymore. I loosened my grip on my knees and stretched out, groaning at the pain. I cracked my back as I sat up, rubbing my painful legs. I had no appetite, so, wiping my eyes, gathered up my plate and went back downstairs. Dad was downstairs in his office and Elizabeth was watching television. She never said anything to me, so either she was clueless or knew better.

I’m surprised at how much sleep I was getting, but I went back up to my room, crawled under my covers and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

The next few days flew by. I mostly stayed in my room, avoiding everyone as much as possible. Elizabeth kept shooting me sideways glances, but luckily dad never picked up on how terribly awkward meals were. I was literally crawling in my skin in discomfort around him.

As torturous as it was, and as boring as practically living in my room was, time flew by. Before I knew it, it was the 29th and I was getting ready to head over to Brian’s house. He has sent me a text the night before with his address and general directions on how to get there. He said he didn’t want me to get lost, be late and reduce the amount of time we had to hang out. As cute as that was, it made me slightly nervous.

After doing all the usual preparation stuff, I picked out the hottest casual clothes I could find. I practically flew down the stairs and was putting on my shoes when Elizabeth noticed.

“Hey there cowboy,” she winked at me, leaning against the railing for the stairs. “Don’t get too carried away with things.”

I shrugged off what she said, not thinking much of it. Through the door I went, practically floating to my car. I had his directions and address memorized, so I was out of the driveway and on my way in a blink of an eye. With the volume on the radio at bust, I carefully followed the directions to Brian’s house. After a few minutes I had to reach for my phone to double check where I was going. I was heading deep into the super-rich neighbourhood and I wanted to make sure I hadn’t made a wrong turn. It made me nervous when I realized I was exactly where I was supposed to be. After a few more minutes of nervous driving I pulled up to a gate, which was currently open with a little booth, like a checkpoint. I drove past slowly, incredibly nervous. No one was inside, though. I kept driving, my palms sweating as I went further down the driveway. There were trees on each side, obstructing any possible view, for privacy reasons, I guess. After what seemed like an eternity, the road opened up and saw his house. I mean, it was a mansion. The place was massive, and gorgeous.

He had told me to park in the driveway, so I reluctantly parked beside a beautiful Mercedes. Being careful not to breath too close to the car, I headed for the front door. Even that was big and elaborate; it was a massive solid oak door with handmade carvings covering the door from top to bottom. I rang the doorbell, because I didn’t think I could possibly knock in the door loud enough for there to be any noise. I waited awkwardly outside for a minute before the door opened.

“Hey man, glad you could make it. You didn’t get lost, did you?” Brian asked me, in a cheerful mood.

“No. No, I was just fine. I didn’t get lost at all.” I answered, fidgeting.

“Well, come in. Let me show you around.” He said, excitedly.

I followed him inside and took off my shoes. I looked around in shock and awe. The floors were a beautiful stained oak and there was a massive staircase in front of me. Brian motioned for me to follow him as he showed me around his house. He told me that the kitchen was made from real marble and the cabinets were some exotic wood, or something. I couldn’t really focus, my head was spinning. As he showed me the living room with the massive television and surround sound system he explained that his mom wouldn’t be home until late, because she had to work at the office.

“Here, come up to my room.” He told me, “So we can relax and stuff.”

“Yeah, stuff.” I said absent mindedly as I followed him up the stairs. “There’s something I want to talk about.” I mumbled, talking to myself.

“What do you want to talk about?” He asked me, flopping down on his massive bed.

“Wait, what?” I said, in shock. I was standing in Brian’s room, leaning against the door frame and more nervous than I thought was humanly possible.

“You said you wanted to talk about something?” Brian asked me again, with concern growing in his voice.

“Uhm, well... yeah.” I answered nervously. I was fidgeting. I don’t think I’ve been as nervous as this in my life. I sat on the bed, cross legged, looking at him. He followed suit and sat cross legged on his bed, facing me. I leaned back against his footboard and looked into his eyes. I blushed, turned away and mumbled, “I’ve never told anyone this before.”

“It’s okay, dude. You can tell me. It’s not like I’m going to judge you or anything.” Brian told me in a reassuring tone.

“Okay well...” I mumbled, looking at my lap. “I’m... I’m gay.” Finally admitting it.

I looked up and was dismayed at Brian’s face. It was twisted in the most bizarre mix of emotions I’ve ever seen. I don’t think he was happy, but it looked like he couldn’t decide between shock, disgust and anger. To my horror, he quickly stood up and ran out of the room. I just sat there and had no idea what to do. Before the events that had just unfolded before me sunk in, I heard a car screech and tear out of the driveway.

The noise of the tires on pavement broke me and I started bawling my eyes out. I must have been crying for a good half hour before I could close the floodgates again. With a wipe of my eyes, I realized that I was in a strange house all alone. With the intense desire to not be there anymore, I quickly ran to my car and left.

I didn’t want to go home, because that would raise questions, so I went to the mall instead. It was surprisingly busy, but I wasn’t paying attention to the crowds. Aimlessly, I wandered around, just thinking.

I was right, you know? I was right, thinking that things were looking up and were bound to get all screwed up somehow. I suppose I was meant to be alone or something, since the two guys that I liked somehow found a way to get away from me. I’m not sure why Brian reacted the way he did. As the shock wore off, I began to realize that it didn’t really make a lot of sense. Regardless of his feelings about it, he should have stayed. Whether it was to have his way with me right then and there, to give me the “it’s cool, but I’m not like that” speech or to beat to shit out of me.

I looked up from my musing for a moment, to make sure I didn’t bump into anyone while I was walking when I saw it. I was staring at the exact spot where me and Brian first met. A pang went through my heart as I thought again about his reaction. It was made even worse by the fact that he was the first person I’ve ever told and he had to react that way. It made me afraid to tell anyone else, because they could act that way... or worse.

Another pang ripped through my heart as our eyes met. I looked him straight in the eyes and made sure to have my coldest, most distant look on my face. I wanted him to see what he’s done to me. He’s destroyed my hope, ruined my happiness that I thought I had. Everything was going well, he ruined it and now I was back in my shell. My shell had returned and I’ve crawled even deeper into it.

His look was of... disappointment? I guess. I’m not sure. He did the exact last thing that I ever thought he’d do. He walked over to me, grabbed my arm, “Come’on, let’s go.” He said. “We need to talk. I know this great greasy spoon.”

I followed him, reluctantly. I didn’t plan on saying a word to him and I had nothing to lose, so why not? He didn’t let go of my arm as we walked to this restaurant. We sat at a booth in the corner, and I made sure my back was to the wall. I crossed my arms and stared at him.

“What do you want? It’s on me.” Brian said, in a desperate attempt to start conversation.

“I’ll have a coke, but I’m not hungry.” Looking deep in his eyes, I answered, coldly.

“Look... what I did was pretty uncool.” He looked sad when he said that.

“No shit!” I wanted to yell at him and hit him. I kept silent though. I just stared.

“I... I just acted badly. I wasn’t... expecting you to say that.” He continued. He looked disappointed, in himself. He felt guilty.

Well, shit. He feels guilty. I felt the cold feeling inside of me warm up a bit.

“What you did was really shitty.” I told him bluntly.

“Yeah, man. I know. I’m really sorry. I... don’t know what got into me. I was the first person you told and I acted like that. Believe me when I tell you that I feel really low right now.”

“Why?” I asked, being rude and not really caring.

“Why?” Brian repeated my question, looking flabbergasted. “Well, it’s a long story that I’d rather not get into - no offense - but basically, I panicked.”

“Why” I repeated, a rough edge to my voice.

“Well...” Brian cleared his throat. He put his hands flat on the table and took a deep breath. “Because I panicked because I like you too.”

My jaw dropped. I don’t mean figuratively or anything. My jaw actually dropped. “Excuse you? You think I like you?” It was my turn to look flabbergasted.

“Yeah, dude. You’re not exactly subtle about it. How loud do you think showers are?” He asked me.

My face turned red with embarrassment.

“What can I say?” Brian continued. “It sounded like you have a big one, and I guess you’re kind of cute.” He winked at me.

I instantly thawed, and just like that... I was blushing and looking down at my lap again.

“You obviously like me, and I like you. Want to give it a shot? A relationship?” Brian asked.

I could only nod in response.