A Life So Hard - 8. Chapter 8

I woke up softly, forgetting where I was for a moment. I didn't remember the events of last night long enough to try to get out of bed. The moment I moved, my chest spasmed in earth-shattering pain and my head split open like it was being jack hammered. “Ahh!” I yelled out, in pain.

“What happened?” I heard Brian yell as he rushed back into the room. He just had a towel around his waist, half his face covered in shaving cream.

“I tried to get up and forgot where I was.” I explained. Still cringing from the spasms my chest muscles were having. I, painfully, sat up in bed and pulled down the covers so I could take a look. I’m not overly muscular (a bit of a 6-pack, but nothing to brag about) but I’m not super skinny either. The middle of my chest, where my father had kicked or kneed me, was a deep, sickening purple. I couldn't help it, tears started rolling down my face, at the sight of what my father had done to me.

“Oh, sweetie. I’m so, so sorry, hunny.” Brian soothed me. He crawled onto the bed, sitting on my legs. I could feel my softness pressing against his. His firm, tight butt cheeks were resting on my legs. If it wasn't for the significant amount of pain I was in, I definitely would be sporting wood right now.

This is exactly the kind of reaction that got me here in the first place, my mind dared to think. Exploring the thought further, maybe I shouldn't be with Brian at all? I mean, if I wasn't dating a guy, I could say I wasn't gay and maybe my father would want me back. Before my mind fully processed what I was thinking, I blurted out, “Maybe we shouldn't be together.”

“Oh...” is all Brian said in response, trailing off, getting out of bed. “Well, I’m sure you have a lot of stuff on your mind. I went to school this morning and got all our homework assignments. They’re downstairs on the kitchen table. I guess I should finish what I was doing...” He trailed off again, awkwardly, before turning around and walking out of the room.

I started crying again. I don’t know how loud I was, but Brian didn't come back. It seemed like forever, but by about 1 o’clock I was calmed down and composed enough to get something to eat. I was absolutely starving.

It took me a good 5 minutes and plenty of winces of pain, but I managed to get out of bed. Once I was out of bed, I realized my attire and how inappropriate it would be for me to wander around. Slightly panicking, I looked around the room. Sitting on Brian’s desk chair was a pair of clothes, obviously for me. It took another 5 or 10 minutes, but I managed to get the jeans and shirt on. I didn't bother with socks, since they weren't necessary and the stretching was really painful.

I slowly, step by step, made it downstairs. As my foot touched the floor, Elizabeth walked through the front door. She reeked of smoke, which surprised me. She picked up on my look of surprise. “New habit I picked up...” She explained. I nodded solemnly, in understanding. “Let’s get you something to eat, mister.” That made me smile, even though she didn't have to be (wasn't getting paid to) she was still sweet as pie to me. That’s the mark of a real, genuinely good person.

I slowly slid into the kitchen, she didn't wait for me. By the time I was sitting on one of the bar stools, she had a peanut butter sandwich waiting for me with a tall glass of milk. “Drink and eat up,” she mothered me. You’ll need your strength for tomorrow.”

In resignation, I sighed and nodded. I didn't say anything. After my outburst at Brian, I didn't trust myself to speak or really felt like it.

After I finished eating, we retired to the living room. We lazed the afternoon away, watching daytime soap operas. Before I knew it, it was 6 pm and in through the door was Karen and Brian.

I had been mulling through the afternoon what exactly I should do, since I did owe Brian an apology for what I had said. After finally deciding what to do, it was time to put my plan into action. I popped out of my seat and as quickly as I could manage, walked over to them. I smiled at Karen, “I greatly appreciate your hospitality, especially in such a situation. I know I was pretty well thrown into your lap in a very unexpected way and I can’t express how grateful I am for you and what you have done for me. I hope you don’t think it’s rude, but I was wondering if maybe me and Brian could talk for a bit? There’s some things that need to be cleared up.”

“Yup, that’s fine. Let’s go.” Brian chirped up, heading upstairs. “We can talk in the bedroom, more privacy.”

I quietly, and slowly, followed him upstairs. My chest was still sore, but I was slow mostly because I was afraid and wanted to delay the inevitable as much as possible. By the time I got to the door, he was sitting on his chair, legs resting on the bed, waiting. With a small sigh, I entered the room and sat on the edge of the bed.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, he spoke. “I know you’re going through a lot of shit right now. I kinda feel bad for being kind of mad at what you said, but that was a kind of shitty thing you said to me. I guess I can understand why you said it, but still. Especially after what we've, I've, done for you. I guess what I’m trying to say is... I need to know what you want, where you stand.”

I took a deep breath and tried to hold back the guilt I was feeling. “I’m … I’m sorry. You’re right, it was a pretty shitty thing to say. I guess I was just … confused and scared and I blurted that out. I don’t mean it, I swear.”

“Okay.” He said, hesitantly. “So we’re still together and everything, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” I said with confidence, looking him in the eyes. A small smile across my face. After a moment, he returned that smile.

“Great. Now that the seriousness is over...” He trailed off, not finishing his sentence. He got up and laid down on the bed. He motioned for me to do the same, which I did gladly. He got on top of me and started to kiss me. I moaned as he kissed me with more and more passion.

I kissed back, the best I could. I didn't know what to do with my hands, though. At first, I had them on the back of his head, but that seemed really weird. I moved them to his back, which seemed more natural. As his tongue slipped into my mouth, my hands moved down, finally resting on his hips.

As our tongues wrapped around each other, my hands slipped under his shirt, feeling his smooth skin. One hand moved up, but the other hand moved down, to more interesting areas. I felt his jeans on my hand as it ventured further downwards. I was soon met by the elastic of his underwear. I didn't dare slip my hand under that, I was content where I was. My other hand kept moving up, until I had moved it across his entire, muscular chest, to his nipple.

As our kissing continued to reach new heights in passion, beyond anything I could imagine, my hands did their own thing. I found myself rubbing his nipple as my other hand flicked and played with the strap of his underwear.

“Uhmm.. Hmmm.” Brian mumbled, between kisses. “Uh.. oh... Okay. You got to stop that.” He said, pulling back. My hands slipped away from their places on his body as he moved away, to sit beside me. He wiped his mouth and asked me, “Am I your first kiss?”

I nodded no, sheepishly, blushed and turned away.

“Never been in a relationship, but has kissed. The mystery of my boyfriend deepens” He teased me, absentmindedly pushing me in the chest, playfully. I visible jumped and cringed, in response. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry.” He exclaimed.

I took this opportunity to change the topic of discussion. “So, I spent a lot of today thinking.” I told him, seriously. He sat there, on the bed, cross legged, looking at me very seriously. He wasn't saying anything, just waiting for me to continue. “Okay, so realistically, you don’t know much about me. Which is totally my fault...” I trailed off.

Still, he sat there, letting me talk. I was mostly grateful for him not interrupting me, but kind of was wishing that he did, so maybe I wouldn't have to say what I was planning on saying. “Anyways, so given today and what happened... I thought that maybe I’d let you ‘in’ a bit more. It only seems fair.”

When I said that, he smiled and nodded. He still didn't say anything, though. He understood that this was my time to talk, and it was hard enough as it is for me to.

“Remember when we first met? Not at school, at the mall? Ever wonder why I acted so bizarrely towards you? I asked him, afraid of what he was going to answer with.

“All the freakin’ time.” He replied back, candidly. He also winked at me, signalling me that it was okay. I was really glad for that.

I sighed, the memories were coming back to me.

“It all started when I was 12...”

I’m really excited to be going to Brian’s house again today. I popped in my headphones and headed out the door. I just turned 12, even though Brian was still 11, so mom was letting me have more freedom, including going over to his house when his parents weren't home. That made things so much easier, and funner. We've been experimenting for the last few months, ever since sex ed class in school, but we were always so afraid our parents would overhear us and walk in. We were just getting past the looking phase and had started touching. I was so excited that maybe we would get to do some more stuff today.

Brian’s house was around the block and I knew the path by heart. I've walked it a million times already, it was no big deal. I walked down my street, staring at the sidewalk, lost in thought. School was over in a few months and it was going to be the best summer ever. I looked up long enough to see that there were no cars as I crossed the street. As I stepped back into the sidewalk, my head went back down and my hands were twiddling away in my pockets.

Truth be told, as excited as I was, I was also so nervous. I mean, what if Brian didn't want do more stuff? What if he thought I was gay, or something. Am I gay? As exciting as it was, it was so confusing and nerve wracking.

Brian’s parents were out of town. Our town wasn't too big, but it wasn't super small, either. His dad was a big time lawyer and was in the city for the day, fighting for some super important client, or something. I’m not really sure, he intentionally shielded both of us from his work. His wife was in court with him, watching from the seats in the back, for moral support, or whatever. I didn't really know, understand, or care. All I cared about was that they were out of the house for the entire day.

Speaking of his house, I recognize our initials in the sidewalk, so I knew his house was right across the street. I looked up and... couldn't believe what I saw. In front of his house was a fire truck. It’s lights were going crazy and, as I took off my headphones, the sirens were going nuts, too. There were hoses attached to the fire hydrant nearby and several firefighters desperately holding onto the hoses. His house, flames were everywhere. They were shooting out the windows. They covered the entire house, from the ground floor all the way up to the roof.

“Brian!” I yelled. “Brian, I’m coming for you!” I screamed. I didn't look to see who was around me, if there were any cars on the road or not. I didn't care. I just started running, as fast as I could towards the house. My best friend was in there. Helpless, trapped, alone. I needed to help him, to save him, or die trying. I didn't make it halfway across the lawn before a firefighter had me wrapped in his arms. I was kicking, screaming, flailing in every direction. I was desperate, I needed to get out of this awful man’s grip and save my best friend. I just... had to.

But I was so tired, from trying to break this tight grip on me. My throat because hoarse and I couldn't scream any more. My limbs grew weak and tired, I could no longer kick and punch. Finally... I resigned myself to fate. My friend was no more and I was alone.

I remember being picked up and carried away. I was still crying, and couldn't stop. I was being carried away from the last place Brian would ever be. I was brought over to a neighbor's porch. The firefighter stayed with me and wrapped me in a blanket. It was odd, it was really nice, sunny out, but I was shaking uncontrollably. The blanket helped though, I was so cold. My neighbor, Mr. Lawrence got me a cup of hot chocolate. I sat there, wrapped in the blanket, with the firefighter sitting in front of me, blocking the view of my dead best friend’s house.

I don’t know how long it had been, but he finally asked me where I lived. I absentmindedly pointed in the direction of my house. I realized that there was no way he could know where I meant, so I mumbled my address. He nodded and picked me up. He carried me all the way back home.

He knocked on the door and my mom answered, immediately in hysterics. She calmed down only when she was sure that I wasn't physically harmed. I went up to bed and slept...

I stopped talking, trailing off. I stared at the wall, lost in my thoughts.

“I... I... What do you say to that?” Brian asked, rhetorically. “I... don’t know what to say. I want to apologize, but that somehow seems condescending. I’m just... at a loss of words.”

“He didn't die.” I replied, absentmindedly, answering a question that no one asked.

“What happened to him?” Brian asked, out of pure curiosity. “I mean, did you two... keep... y’know?”

I couldn't help but burst out laughing, at Brian’s second question. Maybe it was because of the tension or awkwardness, but I just laughed. “No. Don’t worry.” I reassured him.

“I don’t pretend to understand what happened. I honestly didn't get the details, because I didn't want to know. Something about the smoke and burn injuries putting him into a coma, or something? I don’t really know what happened, all I know is that he was … and as far as I know, still is, in a coma.” I explained.

“Oh... so, like, you never went to visit him? To, like... see how he was doing?”

“No.” I stated, simply.

“Oh.”

“I was so hurt... lost... confused. I felt like I had just lost everything in the world that mattered to me. You know how I’m really quiet and keep to myself? That’s what started it. I just closed myself up and stopped talking to basically everyone. I've never really stopped since.”

“I guess that makes sense. You already lost ‘your’ Brian once, and you were afraid of losing your ‘Brian’ again, because of last night. I’m really sorry these terrible things have happened to you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. But rest assured, you aren't going to be able to get rid of me that easily. It’ll take more than a simple fire to stop me!”

“Yes, Dr. Phil. Speaking of rest, do you think your mom would mind if I skipped dinner altogether?” I asked Brian, between yawns.

“Naw, it’s fine. I’m just going to run downstairs, tell her that we were talking and that we are both tired and going to head to sleep.”

“Thanks babe.”

The next thing I remember after that was waking up the next morning, wrapped tightly in Brian’s arms, my head on his bare chest. I think this is the first time in memory that I woke up with a smile.