A Life So Hard - 7. Chapter 7

“You’re really quiet and reserved, so that doesn’t surprise me.” Was the matter-of-fact response from my boyfriend. “Believe it or not, I haven’t been in one, either.”

My face shot up in surprise and I looked at him with curiosity in my eyes. He didn’t offer an explanation and I didn’t ask for one. We sat there, looking at each other for a while.

I was still in shock, at the whole thing. I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. I had been preparing myself for the worst possible scenarios and literally the best thing that could have possibly happened, actually did happen.

“So, like... what now?” I asked him. I wasn’t sure what was supposed to happen next.

“I’m not really sure, to be honest,” Brian replied. “I mean, I haven’t not been with people, but it wasn’t exactly with the intent of being in a relationship. They were mostly ‘brief encounters’, if you know what I mean. II don’t necessarily remember them very well. What about you? Any ideas?” When Brian finished talking, his face turned into this bizarre expression. There was a lot more to what he was saying, but I didn’t want to push it.

“Uhm...” I wasn’t really sure what to say. “Well... I guess this could be our first date. So... I guess, we eat and walk around the mall a bit.”

“Sure. Sounds great.” Brian replied, with a huge smile.

So, that’s what we did. We ate and talked about different things. We talked about how we wanted our relationship to progress and we both agreed that slow and steady wins the race. After lunch we walked around the mall, laughing and talking about nonsense. It was definitely one of the best memories I have. It was perfect.

The weeks went by and I - we - adjusted to the new dynamics of our relationship. We were friends before, but this was different. Friends don’t really walk each other to their classes, or wait at their lockers for lunch, then during said lunch, go off and hide so they can eat together, alone.

During one of those lunches, with us alone, Brian spoke up about his status in the school.

“You know,” he told me, between bites of his sandwich. Apparently if he didn’t eat it as quickly as possible, it’d vanish into thin air. “Everyone kinda sorta already knows I’m gay, it’s just kept quiet for a few personal reasons. No one really talks about it out of respect for me. Everyone’s cool with it, too. Which is great. So, like... if you want to be more open about us, I’d like that, and we won’t have a problem.”

It took a little more convincing, but that’s what we did. The first time we held hands in the hallway, I was shaking. My hand was covered in sweat from my nervousness. But, like he said, nothing happened. A few people noticed, but all they did was look at us and smile. One guy high fived Brian and patted me on the shoulder. “Way to go, man!” He yelled over his shoulder as he walked away. It was funny because neither of us were sure who he was talking to.

I felt like us being together, openly, helped me with getting closer to Brian’s friends. I wasn’t some random that Brian hung out with anymore. I was a substantial part in Brian’s life and they were making the effort to make me a part in their lives, too. It was so weird. I definitely wasn’t used to it.

At first, it was all they wanted to talk about. Novelty, I suppose. But, as well, it was the first real bit of information that his friends knew about me. I had never really talked about where I came from, so no one knew me, so it was really difficult for anyone to find common interests to talk about. Brian’s friends were so nice to me, but more importantly, they were accepting of me. So, I let them in a bit. I told them about my dad and why we moved here and about the school I used to go to. They asked about my family, but I made it clear that questions like that were off limits. They respected that and stopped asking.

I started hanging out with Brian’s friends after school, sometimes without Brian, even. It felt good to have real friends. All of Brian’s friends were guys, which was really starting to freak my dad out.

“Andrew, I’m telling you.” He’d lecture me. “You spend an awful lot of time alone with Brian and you’re starting to spend a lot of time with his group of guy friends. You need to find friends that are girls. Then, you’ll get yourself a girlfriend. You’re in your final year of school, so you’re running out of time. You’re giving the girls in your class the wrong idea and they won’t be interested in you much longer unless you do something to show that you’re interested in them!”

I’d just nod, glance at Elizabeth and keep eating. I didn’t, couldn’t, argue with him about it. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I knew the day where I’ve have to tell him was getting closer and it made me afraid. I didn’t know how he’d react.

“Okay, listen.” Brian told me, one day at lunch. “The football game is after school. We have to go because Jeff is playing and he needs our moral support. He sucks at playing if he doesn’t have us eye candy to look at in the audience.” Brian winked at Jeff.

“Screw you!” Jeff snapped lightly.

“Give me a place and time, baby.” Brian jokingly replied. He turned back to me and continued,

“Anyways. So, I was thinking, me and you go to the game together. We’ll be all pumped up from the excitement of us kicking ass and go back to your place and tell your dad. You know you have to, and soon.”

I squirmed in my seat and scrunched up my nose. “Oh, well. Ugh.. I don’t know.”

Jeremy, who was sitting beside me, put his arm around me and pulled me in close. “Come on, buddy. You can do it! I have faith in you.”

I found that surprisingly comforting. Jeremy was an interesting person. He was very quiet, but loved to touch and hold people. He seemed to have a special interest in me, since he had a hard time keeping his hands off of me and jumped at any excuse to touch me. I’m pretty sure he was straight though, since I caught him several times looking at the cheerleaders. Jeremy was super sweet, really kind and always gave amazing advice. Me and him got along really well, and just had this connection.

“Well.” I said, with a defeated sigh. “I suppose it’s best to get it over with sooner than later.”

Andrew: Hey Dad. There’s a football game later. I’m going to stay after school and stay for the game, okay?

Dad: Ok.

Andrew: Brian’s going to come back with me after the game to hang out for a bit.

I didn’t get a reply, but I wasn’t too worried. Moving here, Dad got a big promotion so I knew he was pretty busy all the time. I didn’t like disturbing him, and didn’t if I could help it, but I wouldn’t be home until a lot later than usual so I didn’t want him to worry.

“Everything will work out, I promise.” Brian reassured me.

“Yeah.” I told him. We both nodded and he smiled reassuringly.

The afternoon’s classes flew by and before I knew it we were walking to the back of the school to kill some time before the game began. It was kind of hot out and the sun was blazing down on us so we went to a shaded corner of the school. We all threw off our heavy book bags and sat down on the ground.

Jeff had a huge smile on his face. “Gotta do my pre-game prep.” He explained to us as he pulled a ziplock bag out of his bag. He took out a paper and started to roll a joint.

“Dude! What the hell do you think you’re doing!” Brian yelled at him, jumping to his feet. His outburst shocked me, I’ve never seen his act like this before.

“Dude,” Jeff tried to reassure him, “I’m just having a relaxing time before our game. It’s no big deal. Besides, I figured Andrew would want in, since he’s coming out to his dad and stuff tonight. Take the edge off, sounds like he needs it.”

“Oh, no thank-you. I.. I can’t smoke.” I politely declined Jeff’s offer.

“You know better then to get that shit out around me! What the hell dude!” Brian kept yelling at Jeff.

“Jeez dude, sorry. I didn’t think it was a big deal. Sorry man,” Jeff timidly replied.

“Come on Andrew, let’s go for a short walk while Jeff takes care of himself.” He asked me, in a calmer tone, clearly trying to stop being angry. “Do you mind staying here?” He asked Jeremy. Jeremy only nodded in response.

I got up, leaving my book bag behind and followed Brian out into the field. We sat down on one of the benches and were quiet for a few minutes.

I wanted to ask him what that was all about, but knew better then to ask him a direct question. “Everything okay?” I cautiously asked him, making sure not to look at him.

“Yeah.. it’s just. I don’t like that kind of thing, okay?” He told me. It seemed like he was struggling to find the right words to describe his feelings.

I didn’t reply. We just sat there, enjoying each other’s company in blissful silence, lost in our own thoughts.

“Jesus friggin’ Christ. You two are walking libraries.” Jeremy appeared out of nowhere, jolting us back into reality. He was lugging our two book bags, along with his own. “Come on.” He said, motioning for us to follow him as he headed for the third row of the stands, mumbling something about wondering what we had in the bags.. “Jeff went to get ready, the game will be starting pretty soon.” He explained.

We talked and laughed until the game began. Like I said, me and Jeremy just kind of clicked, and he and Brian had been friends since they were in diapers. It was great, I felt comfortable around both of them, more so than around Jeff and the others. I felt like I could be myself around these two, the walls were just a little shorter and a little thinner.

I sat in the middle, Brian on my left and Jeremy on my right. Jeremy had his arm around me because... Honestly, I actually don’t even know why. Probably just because he could. I stopped asking or worrying about that awhile ago, since he just liked to do it. I was holding Brian’s hand in my lap.

We won the game; Jeff did fantastic. Me and Jeremy waited around for him to come out of the locker room, Brian was in there too. Me and Jeremy were talking, small talk, so I didn’t notice my dad walking up to us.

“Hi Andrew,” He greeted me, “It was a good game.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked him, surprised.

“I just wanted to see the game and was going to give you a ride home. You take your car and me and Brian can ride in mine.” He explained, smiling. “Go on ahead, I’ll wait for Brian.”

I told him okay, and headed to my car. I was a little confused at this turn of events, but went ahead with it anyways. I got home first, which wasn’t surprising, since dad would have had to wait for Brian. I sat in the living room watching tv for about half an hour before they arrived. Dad went downstairs and Brian joined me in the living room.

“What the hell was that about?” I asked.

“I’m... not sure.” Brian replied, confused. “Don’t worry, it’s not like he asked me any weird questions. We barely talked at all, actually.” He reassured me.

A few minutes later dad came upstairs and leaned against the kitchen table. “Do you mind coming in here?” he asked, “we need to talk about something.”

I looked at Brian and stood up, going into the kitchen with him following me. “Actually, dad. There’s something I need to talk to you about, too.” I tried to sound confident, but my voice was shaking.

“Brian, Elizabeth wanted to talk to you.” Dad told him.

With an okay, Brian went upstairs.

Once Brian was gone, he turned his attention back to me. “Why were you holding his hand at the football game? Don’t deny it, I saw you!” he started getting angry with me.

“That’s what I wanted to tal-” I started saying, but was interrupted by him grabbing my hair. Before I could react he threw my head into the wall. With a sickening thud, my head made contact. Pain overwhelmed me and I felt myself losing it, I couldn’t think clearly.

I slumped to the ground in a daze, my head feeling like it was going to implode. I felt someone grab my shirt and pull me away. I fell onto my side and felt kick after kick connect with my chest. All the air in my lungs was forced out of me and I lay there, struggling to remain conscious and out of breath.

I felt like I was going to die, when suddenly it stopped. I looked up and saw Brian throwing my father across the room. Once he was sure that my father was out of the way and no longer a threat, he came rushing over to me.

“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry, baby. Are you okay?” His tone was soothing, but there was thinly veiled concern in his voice.

I saw Elizabeth come into the kitchen as well. She looked at me, cradled in Brian’s arms and gasped. She walked over to my father and I think her words were something to the effect of, “How could you do this to your son, Dustin? Your own flesh and blood. This is absolutely disgusting and I can never work for such a terrible human being!”

She ran over to me and both of them picked me up. I was still in a daze, but with their help I was able to walk to the front door. As they helped me put my shoes on, I suddenly remember. “Rain! We can’t forget Rain, please!” I started yelling. Both of them held me back as I tried to break free.

“Get out! Get out! Don’t come back! I have no son!” I heard my father yelling. “Get out right now!”

“Rain!” I was yelling as they dragged me outside.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie. We have to go.” Elizabeth explained to me softly. “Get into my car. Your mom will know what to do.” She instructed Brian.

The car ride to Brian’s house was a blur. My chest was throbbing. I don’t think anything was broken, I was just very, very sore. My head was beginning to clear up, I was thinking more clearly now. I felt like I had the biggest headache possible. The pain was radiating from the point where my head made contact with the wall. I don’t know if it was the from the pain, or my father, but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I burst out crying, not even attempting to hold back.

“Stop the car.” Brian said, and hopped out of the front seat and joined me in the back. He put my head on his lap and began to softly stroke my hair. “Shh... Shh... It’ll be okay.” He softly reassured me. With his warmth and comfort, coupled with my sheer exhaustion, I fell asleep.

I woke up from the sudden bright lights as we entered the house; Brian was carrying me.

Karen was hugging Elizabeth. “You’re a good niece. Thank-you for trying to look out for him and Brian. You did the right thing coming right to me.”

Brian carried me upstairs and brought me into his room. “Go to sleep, Andrew. We’ll figure it all out in the morning, okay?”

Still half dazed I mumbled, “Okay...” and drifted back off to sleep, fully clothed and on top of the covers. I woke up a few hours later. It still hurt to breath, but the pain in my chest and head had dulled greatly. I was under the covers now, and only wearing my underwear. I was alone, which made me very confused.

I looked at the clock, trying to get my bearings and it said 12:47. I could hear muffled conversation coming from downstairs. Figuring Brian and his mom were talking about me, I decided to investigate. Quietly I slipped out of the room and down the stairs.

“What do you mean no? That’s not acceptable.” I heard Karen talking, into the phone, I assume. She wasn’t yelling, but you could hear the anger in her voice. She was livid and I did not envy whoever she was talking to. “No. That’s not acceptable. We’ll be there the day after tomorrow.”

I was really curious as to who she was talking to, especially since it seemed like Brian and Elizabeth were standing right beside her. What could be going on?

“He’s your son, Dustin. Please.” Her tone changed, she was pleading with him.

It hit me like a tonne of bricks. Karen was talking to my father. Why? I wasn’t sure, but she was asking him to do something. She might be trying to get him to take me back, it was possible. It didn’t really matter why she was talking to him, just the reminder of him brought all the memories of the evening back into vivid memory. I started sobbing again, as I remember him throwing me into the wall. I was sitting on the stairs and put my head into my knees as I remembered him brutally kicking me. Brian must have heard, because he was holding me by the time I started shaking.

“Shh... come on. Up to bed. You need your rest. Mom’s just making sure that you can go and get your stuff. We’ll talk about it in the morning. You need your rest.” Brian told me, softly, like he was talking to a child.