Nineteen - 1. Chapter 1

"Sorry I'm so quiet again, Jason. I've never been good at starting up the dialogue between us, even when you were still here. Heh. Like when we fought... which was a lot... I'd be having a good old sulk about it, but you'd be the one who always made sure I was okay before you went and had yours. You were hard to keep up with! I remember one time a few years ago when you smacked me in the face and when I cried... because I always cried... you made sure you didn't hurt me, and that I was alright, but then when I said I was okay, you said to me good, but you still deserved it. You really blew hot and cold, didn't you? Hahaha.

I suppose it wasn't your fault, though. I mean, I can't have been easy to live with. I know that. Like, I didn't even like living with me! I could be such a jerk, and... yeah, you had your moments too, but you were the nice one. When Mum and Dad were on my back, you were always there to make sure I knew I wasn't some freak of nature or something. It was like the nature of our relationship! I did something stupid and you made me feel better. How did... you do that? How do you still manage to do that, even though you're gone?

... I had a big fight with Mum before I came here today. She admitted that she doesn't come to see you anymore, and... I dunno. I couldn't handle that. It... broke my heart. It made it feel like she doesn't care anymore. I know she does, but... you'd be so lonely here by yourself. I can't... I don't... why can't she spare a few minutes every week to make sure you're okay? Selfish bitch she is. She makes me so... ugh. She cried and I cried and Dad kind of just drank his coffee and stayed out of it. ... Yeah. Not a lot's changed, Jase. Haha. I know you remember. Mum and I screaming the house down, and you and Dad just... going to ground. It's my fault too, when Mum and I fight. I know that.

... Sorry! Ahh, shit. I was hoping I wouldn't cry this time, but... talking to you always makes me miss you even more. It's our birthday again. Nineteen this year. And... yeah. It just isn't the same if we're not sharing it. I hate birthdays, Jase. I hate them. I just want them to stop. I won't even tell my new friends in the city when our birthday is, because... well, I know they care, but... when people say happy birthday, all I do is get sad. It's not a celebration anymore. You and I splitting a cupcake at midnight... and then you always let me eat the whole thing like a fatass... that was the only celebration I ever wanted. Without you, birthdays... just... ugh, no. I don't like them. I only have one because... well, I suppose it's for Mum.

... ... ... I do love her, Jase. You know I do. I don't... I don't want to fight with her... especially now. You're not there to make it better. I hate it. I keep thinking... well, I was always having some fucking crisis. I wanted what I wanted... and she wanted what she wanted... and we were always at each other's throats so much that... you were forever stuck making sure I was okay... and... and... a-and... I... I never... thought to make sure you were okay. ...And now you're gone... and I will never, ever forgive myself for that. Never.

... I know I should. And... you know I've tried. So, so hard. To not blame myself... or Mum... and move on, but it's not that easy. Yeah, I am a mess every time I visit... I'm sorry. And I know you'd tell me to stop being sorry! And you'd say "shut up Dec, stop crying" haha, but... I am happy, Jase. It took a long time, but going to the city and getting a job... it's good for me, I think. I've made some friends of my own, and I've even been dating... but I wish you were here to tell me they don't deserve me and I could do better! Hahaha.

We're off to Scotland soon... to see George and the others. It's so weird going without you. Like, that's our home... our first home. You should be there with me. I know, shut up Dec. Stop moping. Stop dwelling. Yeah, well fuck you, Jase. Kidding. Please don't bash me. Haha.

... Oh yeah. Scotland. Stop rambling. I am a rambler, aren't I? I can't bloody help myself! Everyone remembers you being so quiet, but I think it's because you could never get a damn word in edgewise! ... You always listened. Like... you listened more than anyone else did. ... Dammit, Jase. Ahhh... fuck I miss you.

... ... ... Sooo... Scotland. Yep... actually, give me a minute. Sorry.

... ... ... Sorry! Coming here is... it's so hard. But... enough sooking and rambling! So... I get to see George and his kids. And little baby Jason... I can't wait. He's so tiny! And all he does is cry... hehe. George says he's a little shit. I guess he got your name and my nature, hey? I'm so ready to meet him in person! ... When I start to worry that everyone's forgotten you, Jase... I remember George named his kid after you... that reminds me that you're still in their hearts. When Mum tells me she's not coming here anymore... I guess I need to remember that she does things her way, and I do them my way.

So... yeah. I know I said in my letter that I needed to stay away for a while... but I just can't do that. I need to come and see you. I need to keep your place clean and tidy and... ugh, if I find the bird that's been shitting on you, I'll feed it to the cats!! But... it's our birthday... again... s-so, um... I brought another muffin. It'll never be a real birthday without sharing this with you... hehe.

It should have been me, Jase... I'm not strong like you. I'm mean-spirited and petty and angry and weak and just... well... you were a better person than me. You should be here where I am. You'd never agree... I know. Shut up Declan. You're amazing. You're a great person. You'll work it all out. Stop crying. Stop wearing Mum's shoes. Hahaha! But... yeah. I'd do anything to trade places with you... but I can't, and I have so many things I wanna do... for both of us. I just hope I don't disappoint you! ...And I know you'd tell me again that I could never, ever disappoint you. Aww. You're amazing.

So... happy birthday, Jason. I'll shower George and the kids with kisses from both of us! ... Keep coming to me in my dreams, okay? It does make me sad, but... it's a good type of sad. It makes me remember you when you were happy, and not when you... when I found you that way. I love you so, so, so much, and I'll be back soon... I promise."