Missed Connections - 2. Chapter 2 - Why you shouldn't buy drinks for a teen party

It’s been two months, two months since my experience with Taylor and yet nothing. No call, no text, no discreet hint, no miniscule undertone to discriminate whether the moment in the locker room showers was more than just two horny teenagers getting each other off at the spur of the moment.

It drove me insane just as I knew it would and stupid me, I fell for it. Like the quintessential red riding hood I figuratively entered the wolf’s den and now I couldn’t figure a way out of this one sided mess.

“Perhaps you’re pressuring yourself too much Trist. After all he pretty much engaged you and not the other way around.”

“Huh?” I murmured as I was snatched away from my own private reverie. I pulled myself up from kneeling at the foot of the bed and sat down next to my sister who of all people in the world was my worst enemy but also my closest confidant. She’d guessed long ago about me and being her blunt old self she actually approached me about it. What was I supposed to do? Lie? Probably.

“Tristan, if you’re gonna come crying to me with your boy problems at least pay attention to my well thought out advice. Anyways, you should just go talk to him and see what the fuck is up.“ Trinity liked to use this fake ghetto cholo accent often to make serious situations become… less serious but none the less funny. She sat up straight and began wagging her finger while moving her neck from side to side while saying, in her racist cholo accent, “Be lai’, EY!, jew neee ta estop an’ lai examen wha’ chu es duing to me mmmmmkay? Cuus, I aint a undastanding dis lai’ mixed emessages that jew is etrowing at me. mmmmkay.”

I started to crack up at this, unfortunately, while at the back of my mind images from those Christian children’s fund came to mind. ‘For only five cents a day you can help little Rosario have a meal each night.’

“Nah, Trin I couldn’t do that, I- I- I don’t know he’s freaking impossible to approach. Plus he’s like constantly surrounded by girls and he basically pushed me off the popularity map.” I shrugged at her all of the sudden feeling awkward about revealing my new found insecurities. When did I ever even care about being popular?

“Fool, you is trippin’ big ass black balls to think that he doesn’t think anything of you. Last you spoke you said he’s been trying to hang with your group…. Uh duh!? People don’t just do that for no good reason. He wants you ,therefore he’s trying to invade your world. Think Star Wars! Think Star Wars! Use the god damn force!”

“Uhhhh, let me set you straight there home skillz. Sean invited him to hang with us first off. And second off since he started hanging he sits at the other end of the table from me, Third off he doesn’t say two god damn words to me any time we hang out all together.”

“Well does the word faggot mean anything to you? Do you honestly think you’re jocks and your flippin’ “bro ho’s” will feel happy if you guys started dry humping each other in broad daylight? You gotta get him alone, rent a car, go to an abandoned coal mine, bring him to an Ashley Simpson concert, like this is really not that difficult Tristan.”

“Shut the fuck up bitch.” I said as I chuckled at her underhanded “cut-low” toward Ashley Simpson. She pulled herself from the bed and began pacing around the room. I could practically see the gears turning in her head as she devised some devious way to get Taylor to notice me.

“Maybe you could get some guys to like kidnap him and then just take him to like some empty park where no one could hear you scream or moan for that matter and deal with it like that.” She gave me a wink as her evil smile slowly took place on her face. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a throw pillow to punish her for her ridiculous idea. Unfortunately for me I missed and knocked down her jewelry case with a large ruckus.

“Shit, Dad is not gonna be happy.” I said as I sprung up to pick up the fallen jewelry. Just in the knick of time the door swung open after I’d rearranged things back to their original order.
“Tristan! You know you’re not supposed to be in here! Go to bed!” he turned his back as soon as he said it in time for him not to hear me curse under my breather a few choice words. I sighed and bid Trinity good night.

“Thanks Trin.”

“Good night big broooo.” her devilish aura still pouring out of her voice. I laughed a bit and then went off to my own room.

I laid there awake replaying what had happened for the umpteenth time and couldn’t resist the tantalizing shivers that resurfaced as every detail of his body resurged from their tiny storage compartments in my brain.

I sighed and whimpered a bit. ‘I need a fucking girlfriend.’ I thought and then quickly corrected myself. ‘Oh yeah, boyfriend, my bad.’

“Looks like its me and my right hand tonight” I whispered.

I reached down and grabbed myself pulling into my night sight everything that he’d done. I memorized it, his hands, his skin, his breathe as it mingled and meshed with mine. His liquid saliva that transferred from his tongue, down my throat.

I remembered his thrusts and how hard and hot he was when he’d thrust himself on me shocking and twisting my body in ways that I failed to do on my own. I ran my hands over myself trying to warm me up the way he had with his body that was seemed so much bigger than mine.

A tear ran down from my eye as I quietly climaxed into my sheets. I felt so alone, there was no pair for me, no match, I was an incomplete person and it seemed like it would be this way forever.

‘ I don’t want to be alone.’ I whimpered as sleep began to take me, my body exhausted, my mind dizzily disoriented.

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Every teenager hated school and as East Bay High began to lazily buzz with its more than apathetic students I couldn’t be happier. I lived for school for two reasons; the first being that it took me away from home and the second being Taylor. I loved the chase, I loved the tingles and chills I got as we passed by each other. The electric vibe that I got as we caught gazes.

It was like playing tag only we never touched each other. I began to see him everywhere despite me taking myself away from my friends just to avoid him. English, Math, Science, he was always there, watching, waiting. Waiting for us to have our moment and that would be enough for him.

Although I reveled in his sight it truly drove me insane. I wanted him. He wanted me, he couldn’t have been more obvious if he’d held a sign on his neck. Then why didn’t I pursue? I constantly questioned. My world had become all about him.

I was constantly giddy, shaky and unbalanced. Call me hopeless but I nearly climaxed every chance encounter where we’d speak shortly or those occasions when he stood ever so close and yet never having touched me. It was hard to explain. The butterflies, they did not play in just the pit of my stomach, no they traveled. Down my shoulders, over my back through my arms, my hands. They played in my groin into my legs and tickled my feet. This was how I felt every time I was near him.

I wasn’t ready yet though, and it was clear that neither was he otherwise there would have been more of an effort on his part. I wasn’t stupid and I’ve been aware of myself long enough to know how it all worked. We would meet in secret, we would appear to be good friends if we knew how to hide it well. Late nights finding ways and places to be ourselves.

Too soon and too much at stake. I was only a sophomore and I couldn’t afford to be a social outcast. There were too many things I wanted to do, too many places I wanted to go to be living with the stigma of my sexuality. And I was sure that Taylor found himself under similar circumstances. However I did fall into trouble with it all.

I was careless and I was no longer attentive enough to how it all must have looked. Taylor knew what he was doing though which only made me seem worse. He was good, oh so good at hiding himself, it was a wonder to behold as I found myself putting my guards down everyday. In his discreet sightseeing of me, in his magical appearances everywhere I was, he was at the very least smart enough to go through the motions.

“What’s up” he would say in the presence of our peers, and like the swept romantic that I was I wouldn’t know how to respond. I would stare blankly into his endless hazel eyes, I was lost and it was clear, so of course it would raise suspicions. My awkward silence, my sudden aloofness and my nervous twitches put everyone in a bad position. It was for this reason that it became important to avoid contact, avoid sight. But how could I? He was everywhere. He’s in my mind as I ponder all these things.

Sean wasn’t an idiot, in fact he had better grades than me, I was just more involved. Sean wasn’t the most outgoing. We’d known each other as kids, his mother being one of my mom’s closest college friends. Since our very first meeting we’d always been close despite me living in Guam and him all the way in California. However since moving here we of course became even closer. Thus it was no surprise that he caught on quicker than I’d hoped.

“So, what’s your deal with Taylor?”

I eyed Sean suspiciously, and nervously as he stared blankly into my eyes from across the library table. I scanned my brain for a proper response but I was hesitant. He would be able to tell that I was lying. He knew me all too well.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why are you always weird around him?” I tried to laugh it off, a tactic I tended to use to change the subject, but he continued to stare seriously into me drilling holes with his gaze. His dark black eyes speaking demons to me.

“I don’t act weird around him, I’ve just been nervous lately cuz of SAT’s. I barely study and I probably won’t do well and…”

“B-to - the - fucking- S, Tristan don’ lie to me. I know what you look like nervous and I know that that ain’t you being nervous.”

“Dude, please just drop it.”

“No, I wanna know, it’s working on my last damn nerve, we barely hang anymore because you’re constantly running away from Taylor.”

‘Damn he’s intuitive.’ I silently awed.

“I just don’t like the guy okay? Damn Sean why do you gotta get all up on my case man? As if my life aint all fucked up already.”

“Fine, whatever.” he said shaking his head exhaustedly. He relented and went back to his work and I inwardly thanked the skies above that he didn’t pursue whatever answer he was trying to pilfer. Not too long after our little argument Sean lifted himself out of his chair collecting his things.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m ditching, I wanna get shit ready for my party this weekend. You’re coming right?”

“Yeah, sure. Who’s coming?”

“Taylor isn’t if that’s what you’re wondering.” he said sharply before leaving me alone to my thoughts. I saw him stride out of the room, obviously discontent with my pledge of silence. What did he expect though? What did I expect? I wasn’t entirely sure if I could trust him and I didn’t want to explore the option yet. No definitely not.

‘Why can’t I have idiots for friends?’

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Sean liked to hold parties despite his introversion at school. A Sean Haus party was something of a status symbol and he had one at least every two months and twice as often during the summer. He normally had a good mix of up to 150 people who would crowd in and storm his little mini mansion in the Moraga hills, one of the Bay’s more extravagant communities.

I of course was the first to arrive so that I could help him set up. We didn’t bother with decorations we just cleared up space and pulled out his dad’s DJ equipment, an ancient piece of work from the 90’s, but none the less effective at its job. After that we set out food and coolers upon coolers full of drinks both legal and illegal which he acquired by means of his cousin who went to school in UC Berkeley.

We didn’t talk much, he was still mad at me apparently which started to annoy me equally as much. He had no business and no right to be angry at me for my own personal problems. However I couldn’t exactly blame him, we were best friends and shouldn’t best friends be genuinely concerned? The whole thing had me flaming and uncomfortable and anxious, I was feeling everything all at once and it started to make my head pound and ache to the point that I began to feel sick.

The party started out smoothly, people came in waves and soon the house was packed from front to back with people drunk and stumbling. It was crazy fun and it was actually a welcomed distraction from the things that battered about in my brain. However my glee was rudely interrupted when Taylor rolled in putting a damper on my mood.

I saw him enter through the front door and immediately choked up and accidentally spit all over the girl that I was pretending to be interested in.

“I’m so sorry!” She gave me a disgusted look and angrily walked away to clean herself up and most likely gossip about it all with her friends.

I watched Taylor as he glided through the room waving hello to everyone. His hair, his body and his smile seemed all the more beautiful in the dim light. I started to get dizzy and my head began to throb harder, traces left over from the sickness I’d been experiencing all day, the tylenol must have worn off.

Suddenly Sean grabbed my shoulder causing me to jump up and yelp. “Dude you gotta relax! What’s with you?”

“I thought you said Taylor wasn’t gonna be here?”

“Well technically I didn’t invite him… want me to ask him to leave?” he began to give me a quick up and down, suspicious as to why I was so insistent on Taylor not being there. I knew it would look more suspicious, though, if I made a big deal out of it.

“Nah, nah it’s okay… Just don’t bring him near me.” he began to laugh at me, but I was freaking serious. I didn’t want him near me, not in front of all these people.

“Dude, I ain’t Jesus! How am I supposed to keep him away from you?”

“N-never mind, uhh… I’m gonna go get a drink..” He nodded taking a gulp of his own drink which he’d had in his hand and then let me be.

I immediately walked into the other room trying to find a distraction, an excuse, anything to keep my mind off the fact that Taylor was there. I tried my hand again at conversation striking one up with a girl I’d known since middle school named Caydence. After a long while I began to calm down, reaching my normal state, the booze finally began to kick in and the buzz actually cleared my head which had become preoccupied with Taylor.

“Hey Taylor!” Caydence said suddenly in mid-sentence. My eyes grew wide and I dared not breathe or move. I began to race and sweat again and I felt my hands as they shook.

“Hey Caydence, mind if I borrow him for a second?” He replied. Caydence, being the submissive girl that she was immediately relented.

“Sure thing.” she chirped as she began to prance away to another guy she’d had her eyes on all night.

Taylor came in rather close to me and I stepped back. Was he stupid? Did he really want to do this in front of everyone? I wasn’t sure what to expect, I felt like he owed me an apology, but even that wouldn’t have been enough for me. I wanted to unload on him and share with him every feeling of grief I’d had since our rendezvous in the showers. He was a bastard, he was a demon, he was my weakness.

He grabbed my forearm as he lured me away saying nothing but “Follow me.” in a tone that seemed ravenous. I don’t know why I have not been able to resist lately, I felt like a weakling, a loser, I felt like the curious cat. We dodged group of teenagers as he searched for a suitable place. He wasn’t satisfied with any room in the house so he led me outside where there were kids splashing about and throwing each other in the pool.

He started to get annoyed at this as he continued on into Sean’ backyard which was landscaped with a dozen and one trees and bushes. He finally stopped behind a reasonably sized tree that shaded everything so therefore we wouldn’t have been seen.

He pushed me up against the tree roughly and something stabbed into my back.

“Ow, Fuck! Man what the hell is you’re problem!?”

His face scrunched up in anger and obvious confusion. “Look!” he started out intensely.

“I came here so that we could talk!” he shouted again with a slur that could have only meant one thing. He was drunk.

“Fuck you asshole, I don’t wanna talk to your ass just stay the fuck away from me!” I tried to leave, I didn’t want him drunk when I unloaded on him, however he had other plans as he roughly pushed me back again and came up closer in my face towering over me.

“I hate you! I can’t stand you! You drive me crazy!”

“Well then stay the fuck away!” I replied still trying to duck out of his way. He grabbed me by the shoulders pushing against the tree and I tried to struggle. I was putting up a decent fight but for some reason he was so much stronger.

“Stay away from me! I don’t want to see your face you fag!” I hated that word and hearing him, him of all people , call me that sent me over the edge. I raised my fist and let fly shoving him to the ground and immediately trying to smash his face in.

‘This Fucker wants to mess then I’ll fuck him up!’ my mind rooted. But again the obvious difference in our strength worked against me as he flipped us over and now I was on the ground him on top. He started to choke me and I tried to release it, but I didn’t have to because he suddenly softened up and then brought his face closer to mine. He started to kiss me and I should have taken the opportunity to fight back but I was too wrapped up in the moment.

‘What are you doing!? He tried to hurt you!’ my mind argued but I ignored it.

He must have fallen out of his drunken stupor because he suddenly gasped and immediately ran off, leaving me there on the ground where no one could see me. I was so tired and my head throbbed and I felt the sickness from earlier begin to claim me.

“Holy Shit, Sean is gonna be pissed!” I heard incoherently as hands began to lift and drag me toward the bright lights of the house. They brought me inside and all I could hear were gasps of surprise. They put me on top of something hard and cold causing me to shiver. The countertops?

“What the fuck happened?” I heard Sean yelp. He came into sight his face concerned. He looked so pretty with the kitchen lights shining around his face.

“I don’t know we found him in back, it looks like someone fucked him up! Look at his neck.”

“Dude are you okay?” Sean asked as I lay there helpless My legs felt weak and I was barely aware of anything that was happening around me. I suddenly felt Sean’s hand on my forehead and all I remember was his gasp as he said “He’s fucking burning up!“ He sought a few others to drag me upstairs and I heard more gasps as I was paraded around the house in my messed up state.

“Lay ‘em on the bed man, dang he looks like shit.” Sean said, his tone concerned. They stripped me down to my boxers and then wrapped me up in sheets.

I incoherently heard a few other voices one female who asked several times “Is he okay?”

“Yeah, just let him rest.” Sean assured and then I heard the flick of the light switch and then the shut of the door as I fell into an exhausted sleep.

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I was awoken hours later by the sound of lips smacking and by a tickling feeling along my neck and a scent that was somewhat familiar. It was Taylor and he was in the bed with me groping me, touching me on my chest and cupping my face softly as to not wake me.

His lips touched mine once softly, and then again more rough this time but still very gentle. I opened my mouth for air and he began to suck on my bottom lip. I moaned in pleasure as I became involved in it I began to run my fingers down his side, going up his shirt feeling his skin.

He played with my tongue again and he tasted so good. He went back to kissing me all over, rubbing up against me in the process.

I was so horny and tired and my head still throbbed. A state that kept me from holding back things I wouldn’t normally say or do or agree to for that matter.

“I want you.” he grunted. That was all that I needed to forgive him. I wanted him too, I wanted him so much, I wanted him to be my first and I didn’t give a damn if I was sick. I was gonna have him tonight, inside me, we were going to be together and for a moment I had convinced myself that it may actually be okay, everything could work if we just loved each other.

“Fuck me Taylor.” I gasped and as quickly as I’d said it he pulled away frightened.

“Fuck, shit, shit, shit. I’m so stupid.” he said as he quickly dashed out of the room. I sat up in time to see his back walk out of the door.

‘Did he dye his hair?’ I thought before collapsing again on the bed, too exhausted to reexamine what had just happened to me.

The next morning I began to feel better and crawled out of bed, my legs still a little wobbly. I went into Sean’s closet and changed out of my clothes borrowing a few of his and then proceeded to find Sean.

I found him sleeping on the couch with a blanket and pillow which was odd because we normally slept together, not in a sexual way though, we were like brothers. I sat on top of his feet which he began to move around underneath me which… felt really good.

“Hey…” he whispered half asleep.

“How come you didn’t sleep upstairs.”

“You were sick, I didn’t want your SARS.” he chuckled.

“Shut up bitch.”

“Shut up Asian.” he yawned and then shook himself awake finally sitting up on the couch. He opened his eyes and then lazily put his hand on my forehead.

“Hmmmm, you don’t got a fever anymore, but dude who the fuck did that to you? You were so fucked up last night I thought you were gonna die.”

“Sorry man, I don’t know what happened.” I lied, I still remembered everything but I didn’t want Sean to know, for some ungodly reason I still hope for Taylor. I still wanted him, and I knew that he was bad for me.

“It’s all good bro…” he said as he broke off into silence. We sat there for an awkward moment and the silence gave me an eerie feeling. I began to lift myself off the couch but as I tried Sean started to speak again.

“Tristan are you gay?”

I choked.

‘Holy shit, it’s happening, fuck! Fuck me! What the fuck do I say?’ I panicked.

“N-No.”

“…. Okay.” and that was the end of it.