Missed Connections - 5. Chapter 5 - Why you don't kiss your best friend

I hated the summer months. If I wasn’t away at school I was with my parents who loved to torment me, make me feel stupid and useless. I apparently didn’t know how to do anything. I cooked for them, I cleaned for them, I ran their errands and still no thank you, no gratitude. They would always instead talk to me about how they’d done the same when they were kids and that I shouldn’t expect life to be so easy.

It wasn’t even that I expected to be served on a silver platter. I already knew exactly how spoiled and taken care of I was, all I really wanted was love, at least a hug or something. They weren’t the type. They believed too heavily in tough love which had been their greatest downfall and yet they still persisted even after the events that had changed everything for the entirety of my family. They’ll learn someday I hoped. However for the moment I was stuck playing Cinderella.

It was all okay though, for instead of having just one friend, to comfort me through the boredom, I had two: Taylor and Sean. I was relieved. I entered a time in my life in which I felt more loved than I had ever come to know in my previous years. The type of love the two provided me was unconditional. I felt so lucky, because quite honestly I was basically monopolizing the time of two of the hottest guys in school. The whole idea made me laugh as images came to mind of all the girls who’d asked them out just within the past month.

Speaking even more honestly I was beginning to feel suspicious. Ever since I’d come out to Sean he had been acting very oddly. Simply speaking, the guy just wouldn’t leave me alone. At every waking moment it was me and Sean or me, Sean and Taylor which was a little disappointing and somewhat unsettling for I felt very deeply that Sean and Taylor couldn’t stand each other and only tolerated each other’s presence because of me.

Of course they were civil, but they each had their own underhanded and discreet ways of displaying their distaste. I never knew what to expect from them and some days when we’d hang out I wondered if I’d be soon caught up in a war. It was for this reason that I’d begun to drop hints here and there that Sean find some new doll to play with.

“Hey Sean look over there, she’s hella fine!” I pointed out. He looked over briefly as we sat at the park table, people watching I guess, and quickly shook his head.

“No way, she looks like a bitch.”

“Dude, Sean, when are you gonna get over her?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about your last girlfriend what’s her name? Amy?”

“Dude, I don’t give a fuck about her, I just wanna be single for a while. By the way I’m not stupid, stop trying to set me up it’s getting annoying.”
I laughed nervously. ‘Damn, caught!’ I cursed inwardly.

“Well I was just thinkin’ you know it must suck, you’ve been hanging out with me and Taylor so often I figured you were getting’ lonely or somethin’. God forbid I try to help a friend out.”

He looked over at me with burning angry eyes and a bad taste in his mouth over the sound of Taylor’s name. He leaned forward out of his laid back position and began to shake his head.

“Well if you want to get rid of me that DAMN much then just go bro, I aint stoppin’ you.”

“Dude Sean why are you gettin' so angry. Geez I was just lookin' out for you."

"Well, don't!" he said as he suddenly stood up and began pacing off. He hopped on his bike and went onto the back trails that traversed the city. I quickly hopped up and grabbed my own bike to follow him.

"Sean! Dude wait up! What the hell is your problem!?" I began to catch up to him finally and just as I neared him he braked suddenly and flipped around, his anger still written all over his face. I braked and nearly ran smack into him but thankfully I was skilled enough on a bike to avoid him. I waited tentatively for I knew that he was ready to unload on me everything he'd been wanting to say all summer.

"My fucking problem is that every freaking moment it's; 'Taylor this, Taylor that'. Who the fuck gives a damn about Taylor, I swear to God if I hear about how god damn nice and smart he is, I'm seriously gonna jump off a cliff. " He drops his bike and began to approach me, making his body bigger and pointing his finger at me in accusation.

"You're so fucking self absorbed and obsessed and selfish Tristan! You only think about yourself and here I am always doing what you want to do and you never even once think about what I want to do or how I feel. I fucking hate Taylor. So fuck you, fuck your faggot boyfriend and I hope you both have a nice beautiful gay life together you fucking pig!" he spat. I'd had it, it was that word again and as he tried to grab his bike up again I lunged at him.

We crashed to the ground and I immediately began to grab, pull, punch and kick the shit out of him. He did the same with me and we rolled on the ground dirtying ourselves, wrestling to see who'd win this recent argument. Finally it ended with me underneath... AGAIN, and him on top of me ready to deliver the final blow. He held his fist raised high ready to put all his force into it.

"You mother fucker!" he shouted as his first punch came down. "I hate you!" he said with the second. "How could you!?" he said as his third fist descended on my face.
'What the fuck is he blabbering about?' I asked over the screaming pain I felt all over my face. He sat on top of me and we stared at each other, his eyes burning with anger and confusion. I myself was confused and shocked and surprised.

"Shit!" he yelled as his tone changed from angry to worried. "Tristan..." he said as he quickly got up off of me and began to pick up his bike again ready to ride off. I sat up my face still stinging as I adjusted my jaw making sure nothing was broken and wiping blood from the corner of my mouth. He didn't do anything, he didn't even try to help me, he just stood there with his bike as I picked myself up from the ground. Thankfully his punches weren’t hard enough to leave me debilitated.

"There, are you done now?" I asked apathetically as I moaned in pain touching and feeling around my bruising face.

"What?"

"I said are you done now, are you done taking out all your anger? Can we just get over it now?"

He dropped his bike again roughly and approached me again and I stood back in fear thinking that he was going to begin punching me again.

"You think this is all a joke!? Fuck you! I'm not joking! I hate you!"

"Sean... please, stop it already. You don't hate me, just tell me what the heck is going on already so we can get over it like we always do."

"Are you fucking dumb? I already told you. I'm sick of you and Taylor, it's all we ever talk about, your annoying the fuck out of me."

"I'm not stupid I know that's not the problem, now stop yankin' me and just tell me so we can stop playing these stupid games."

Sean finally released all of his frustration by means of a heavy exasperated breathe as he leaned his head back to the sky. His whole body went limp and he closed his eyes as the sky began to take on a deep grey color signifying rain and lightning. I stood there and stared at him, waiting for his response. I wanted to know what was on his mind but at the same time I didn't. Like I said I wasn't stupid. I knew it, I didn't like to think about it, but I knew it.

It never took me very long to solve any kind of puzzle in school or in every day life. So therefore it never really took me long to figure out who it was that was groping me that night of the party. It didn't take me long to narrow down the suspects and it certainly wasn't Taylor although I wish it was. It had been too long since I'd even thought about a relationship with Sean. He was hot, he was smart, he was good to me. However if it were possible, I had a sixth sense that told me that I didn't love him, not the way that I theorized about love.

The rain began to softly drop and soon we were being misted upon by the sky as Sean stood in deep thought. His face still facing the sky as he tried to organize everything he felt into words and as he strategically planned his next move in a war that I was personally making difficult to win.

"You wouldn't give a damn if I told you." he said finally.

"Try me..." He sighed again and slowly began to approach me again closer and closer until we could feel each others' breathes. I didn't feel uncomfortable, I never did, not with Sean. He was really the only person I could ever let be this close to me. He stared deep into my eyes, he was burning with determination.

'This is it Tristan, you knew it was coming, I hope you're prepared.' I told myself as I mentally prepared for what was to come.

"Tristan... I-I love you."

"No you don't." I immediately snapped.

"What?" he asked confused and taken aback.

"No you don't Sean, you think you do, but you don't."

"You're telling me that I don't love you." he laughed.

"Yup, you don't know what you're talking about. I know you too well Sean, you think you love anyone and everyone you're close to. I've seen it before. The only difference with me is that I'm a guy and now that you know that I'm gay you think that's the green light to go ahead and try to get with me. But I'm telling you right now Sean that it aint happening and it never will..."

He didn't respond to my rant instead he grabbed me roughly by the hips and brought our bodies together and kissed me roughly on the lips, which were still stinging from his punches, before kissing me up and down my neck. I moaned in pleasure which invigorated him.

"Sean.. stop."

"I love you, i love you, what do I have to do to prove it?" he asked as he continued to kiss and suck at my neck. I tried to push him away but he held onto me tighter.

"Sean... stop it, get off of me."

"No! Please Tristan... I love you."

"Sean!" I yelled finally as I shoved him off of me. He stumbled back and looked away in shame as if he were a bad puppy that I'd just punished. We had another moment of awkward silence and staring before he finally got the idea and picked up his bike again. He wheeled it with him as he came up to me again examining my bruised lips.

"Sorry." he whispered and rode off into the distance, into the rain which was now pouring heavily quickly drenching me.

'Fuck my life.'

**********************************************************

If I had a dollar for every time that me and Sean fought I'd be a very rich man indeed. However if I had a dollar for every time our fight ended with each other not talking to each other for an extended period of time I would only have three bucks, not even enough for a meal at Mc Donald's.

This one was the most drastic and the most heart breaking. We didn't speak for the last three weeks of summer which didn't bother me much since I had Taylor. However what was truly a slap in the face was when I'd suddenly found out that Sean had left the area all together.

"L.A.!?"

"Yes, son L.A., didn't he tell you? I'm sure he must have mentioned it." My mother said apathetically as she sat reading the paper at the breakfast table. She seemed unfazed by my obvious distress. My best friend moved away without telling me.

'That rat bastard!' I yelled.

"No he didn't." I answered finally. She shrugged still ill concerned about the situation at hand.

"Well his parents are still here... I think they sent him to private school or something of the sort. I'm sure he'll visit."

"No he won't." I growled as I ripped myself away from the table stomping to my room. I quickly whipped out my phone and pushed the speed dial number set for Sean's phone.

"What a fucking asshole!" I cursed as I sat through the rings of the phone. After five rings his voice mail picked up and I immediately flipped the phone closed ending the call before flipping it open again and redialing. I repeated this several times thinking that he'd eventually get annoyed and answer it.

"Fucking screening my calls, what a fucking jerk!" I cursed again. I was fuming, how could he do this to me? He just up and left without even telling me? What happened to best friends? Didn't he love me? Why would he leave me here by myself?

Finally after the twenty-fifth attempt I relented and decided to leave him a message. "Sean, call me back we need to talk." I said angrily and then hung up.

I knew what he was doing, he was hiding his stupid little head in the sand. L.A. is where his grandparents lived and it was his get away. He begged his parents to go there every time he was having a hard time, ever since he was a small innocent child being made fun of in fourth grade for his unusually large ears that eventually evened out as the years went by. He was such a coward and of all people to be running from he was now running from me.

I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I was way too angry at him to feel any sort of despair at his sudden disappearance from my life. He hated me? Well then I hate him. He could go jump off a cliff for all I cared. I had Taylor right? I don’t need him, no I don’t need him anymore to hold my hand, or hug me, or defend me. I had Taylor, that’s all I need right?

As the summer came to a close the reality of Sean began to sink in. Regretfully I was never able to hide my obvious distress. Taylor caught on quickly and began asking me questions. Questions that I didn’t appreciate for reasons I couldn’t fathom at the time. Was I in denial? I didn’t love him, I loved Taylor, so why the hell did I feel so heart broken?

“Trist… I understand. You don’t have to be so defensive about it.”

“What are you talking about?”

He scooted closer to me pulling himself out of his relaxed position on the gazebo bench. He took my hand and began to pet it gently, trying to sooth me however failing because I only made me feel more uncomfortable.

“I understand that Sean was important to you, I don’t think that you should be so quiet about it. Just talk to me.”

“Fuck Sean!”

“Trist… seriously, it’s okay…” he paused for a moment taking an audible nervous gulp. “Y-you loved him right?”

“No!” I snapped. “He’s a fucking loser, and a pussy. He runs away at even the slightest stress.”

“Trist what did you expect? It’s not easy… poor guy confessed and got shut down you’d be doing the same…. Well maybe not in such a drastic fashion.”

“Well since you feel so bad for him why don’t you go down there and get him back then.” I responded and quickly got up and started walking off back toward Taylor’s house.

“Hey! Where are you going?”

“I wanna go home now.” Taylor quickly caught up to me and escorted me back to the house.

“Sooooo, I’m gonna have to drive you home don’t I?”

“What do you think?”

“I think it’s a little awkward since you’re obviously angry at me.”

“Well my life just sucks.” he laughed a bit but quickly went silent again and remained that way the entire drive home. I wasn’t so much angry at him, although it annoyed me that he was taking Sean’s side, I was more angry at Sean. Unfortunately for Taylor he was going to be taking the blunt end of all my anger.

When we finally pulled up to my house I looked around, extremely carefully this time, and kissed Taylor before awkwardly bidding him goodbye. I was stressed out and exhausted. Not from strenuous activity but more like emotional trauma which I’d been experiencing a lot lately. I didn’t feel like dealing with my parents just yet so I decided to sit on my front porch and take a breather.

I quickly took out my phone, which I’d pretty much ignored that day, and flipped it open to find that I received a voicemail. I pressed the talk button and the entire time the fake female voice was talking introducing my menu options I got an eerie feeling that the message was from Sean. Who else would leave me a message?

“Hey Tristan… “ the message started out. It was definitely Sean. “Tristan I just wanted to say sorry and that you don’t have to worry about me. I’m in L.A. sorry I didn’t tell you. Anyways, tell everyone I said goodbye and I hope you guys have a happy life…. Bye.”

I snapped the phone shut again immediately refreshed with anger. Coward was the only word I could use to describe him. Coward. Coward. Coward. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. And worst of all I missed him badly enough to give me doubts. Doubts about everything. Was I wrong?

**********************************************************

At school there was the looming reminder of Sean at every corner. I couldn’t walk down the halls without people asking me about Sean.

‘What happened to Sean?’ “Where did Sean go?’ ‘Do you still talk to Sean?’ were questions I received on a daily basis and I felt like the natural order of things was out to get me. Sean was being dangled in my face every second of every day and it made me feel like it was all my fault. Was it my fault? I wasn’t entirely sure. Yes I could have handled it all a little better. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so harsh on him. However it was ironic how I said what I said for the sake of saving our relationship and yet it only set things in a negative motion. I was essentially working against myself.

Junior year was very much the same as sophomore year save for the fact that I’d decided to put soccer on permanent hold for two specific reasons; the first being that I was falling behind on my school work and the second being the fact that I’d become so accustomed to Sean being on the same team as me. Now that he was gone I didn’t feel right on the field, like I was wearing only one cleat.

I was beginning to feel confused as to where exactly I wanted to go in life. I no longer had anything to do and no one to see. Sean was my right hand man, my partner in crime. Of course I had Taylor however I was a firm believer in the idea that your love life and your social life should remain permanently separate from each other. Taylor didn’t much mind this philosophy however now that I didn’t have much of a social life to speak of the philosophy went all the way down the drain.

“Trin… what the hell do I do now?”

“… It’s hard to say, you fucked up pretty badly this time. I’ve never seen Sean so upset.”

“That doesn’t help me at all.”

“Well what do you expect from me?”

“I don’t know… help maybe? You’re normally opinionated about this kind of stuff.”

She sighed and set down the book she’d been reading. She lifted herself off her bed and sat next to me on the floor at the foot of her bed. “ Tristan… Do you love him or not?”

“I-I don’t know… no I guess, I love Taylor. You can’t love more than one person.”

“Bzzzz. Wrong! Of course you can, it’s not right but it’s certainly possible. We are animals, human beings. We cant help ourselves….” I stared at her confused, I didn’t understand exactly what she was picking at. However I waited for her to make a point before I tried to refute her ideas. “ Tristan, it’s very possible that you love them both however life is tough so you need to choose or at the very least keep your options open. You didn’t handle the Sean situation in a manner that would have kept the possibility open and now that that door is closed you have regrets. This is what I think is causing you so much distress right now. You miss Sean and the idea of possibly having a relationship with him. And even more important you are blaming yourself for having closed that opportunity to yourself.”

“… Whoa… you’re hella smart.”

“I know…” She was about to say something witty in response like she always did however we were interrupted suddenly as my father stormed into the room slamming the door on the way in. He glared at me behind his glasses, that evil glare that I despised however quivered in fear of.

“What the hell are you doing in here Tristan!?”

“I’m just relaxing…” I timidly responded.

“What is all that noise, who are you talking to?” I looked over at Trinity as she shook her head and put her finger to her lips. I shook my head in return.

“No Trin…” I mumbled under my breathe before responding to my father. “I was talking to Trinity.”

He was immediately taken aback and shocked and appalled and a number of other facial and bodily expressions that displayed both his anger, worry and shock. He thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy.

“Tristan…” he said exasperated. “Trinity is dead.”

“I know.”