Missed Connections - 3. Chapter 3 - Why no one should be allowed upstairs

Christmas Break was my favorite time of year for more than just the presents. I loved the weather, the family, the friends, the time to think without stress of school. I had a lot to think about lately. Since my second encounter with Taylor I had taken to depression.

He hated me, and I should be hating him but I couldn’t bring myself to. Why did I hold on to him? He wasn’t even worth it, he was an asshole. However I knew myself, I was attracted to power and he held a power over me. I remembered his strength and how I couldn’t fight back, I finally found someone better than me. This was especially evident in school where Taylor became more popular than I.

Girls fawned over him constantly, teachers adored him, his grades were excellent and he seemed to have everything together. He’d outdone me, I was slowly being forgotten and he was ruining my life both physically and mentally.

I was losing my concentration, my homework lay piled up on the corner of my desk, I had been removed from forward in soccer, and I shirked on my responsibilities in nearly every activity I headed. I couldn’t do it anymore I was so tired and I wanted it to end. So badly did I want it to end.

Christmas Break was God’s respite for me through all of this mess and I couldn’t be happier for the opportunity. I spent time with family a lot, they were the only ones I could depend on to not bring up the things that I wanted buried. However the times throughout the break spent alone were the worst because all the things that I wished weren’t true resurfaced like water mixed with oil.

It was for this reason why I’d find myself with a knife in my hand more often than not. A slice here and a knick there and I felt better. The blood ran like my tears did and it stained my clothes, my carpets as it made me delirious.

The buzz it gave me felt so good, I didn’t understand why I hadn’t started earlier, it felt good, just like Taylor did. It was the only way for my body to reach cloud nine again. I also masturbated a lot which was shameful. Normal masturbation was nothing to be ashamed of, but I had been taking it farther than that and I felt disgusted with myself. Anything that I could find I used and I pretended, I tricked myself into thinking it was him in the act. Words could not describe how hurt I was, how desperate I was. And I felt deeply that darkness was claiming me.

In addition, I couldn’t trust Sean anymore and I felt a slow strain coming between us. We still spoke and hung out but it was as though as soon as he’d asked me the question it had gotten stuck on a hook that swung between us and I felt it in the air around us constantly. Just another emotional bag to lug around behind me.

“Hey Trin..” I said laying on her bed again basking in the sunlight that filtered through the window.

“Hmmmmmmm.”

“What do you think mom and dad would do if I came out?”

“Cry, of course, but I know mom and dad, they’ll still love you.”

“You think they’d kick me out?”

“Probably… for a while, but not too long. Remember when you ran away from home? You made daddy cry for two hours and mom practically withdrew herself.”

“Hah! Yeah right.”

“No joke, they love you Tristan, they wouldn’t abandon you.”

“Trin… I miss you, you know.”

“I know.” she said grinning widely, she was always so cocky as if the whole world wanted her. But I admired her confidence and her honesty. She was always stronger than me, more brave. She was my everything and I would have done anything to protect her. But how could I? I’m weak.

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“Hey Sean, what’s up man?”

Sean’s figure slowly approached from down the street, but there seemed to be something wrong with him. His eyes had dark bags underneath and his eyes were blood red. He looked like he’d just woken up, but it was already four in the afternoon.

“Dude what happened?” I asked immediately concerned.

“Tracy broke up with me…”

‘Damn, just what I needed.’ I cursed. Sean had girl trouble constantly but he was probably more sensitive than the girls he dated. He was good looking, actually according to my standard he was fucking hot, so it was no problem for him to get pretty girls, but most pretty girls in the area were bitches to say the least.

I went up to hug him and he cried into my shoulder which I kind of felt uncomfortable with because we were out and about and shit I had neighbors that could see us. I patted his back and I tried to release the hug but he pulled tighter.

“Stop it man, I fucking need my friend.” he said muffled. I rolled my eyes.

‘This is fucking ridiculous.’ I thought but I sighed and relented and instead moved to sit down on the cement side walk.

“Dude what happened?” I asked finally. He pulled back and wiped his eyes before starting.

“She fucking cheated on me! She’s been fucking Aaron the entire time. I’m so stupid.”

“Nah man you couldn’t have stopped her. Dang I knew she was bad.” I lied. I barely knew her but people liked to hear what they wanted to hear at these moments. He nodded his head in agreement before he ranted on about how he knew she was bad, and how he thought he could be the one she wanted always, and how he gave her everything. He even mentioned the tell signs that he’d noticed that showed that she was cheating. It was all the same for him and I was appalled as to why he didn’t put two and two together.

He was the emotional type and I hated it when his glass shattered, but I loved the guy he was my bro despite my secrets. I knew though that this would be the hardest person to lose.

“Hey, lets go to my house, my parents are gone and you look like you could use a drink.” He nodded reluctantly and I pulled him up from the ground. When we reached my house I quickly went to the liquor cabinet for a little afternoon pain killers and made a quick mix of vodka and strawberry soda which I brought upstairs to my room where Sean already was leaning against my headboard.

“Here, try this.” He took the cup and then took a sip.

“Ah, that’s strong man, are you trying to get me drunk?”

“Yeah, kind of.” I laughed. He didn’t argue and I could see a small smile growing on his face.

We were having a good time and we were slightly buzzed which didn’t surprise me because I must have put more vodka than I intended. Sean suddenly stood up and began to take off his clothes.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

“I’m gonna go shower, I didn’t shower this morning and now I feel a lot better.” I rolled my eyes at this.

“Sean you are so gay.” I chuckled.

“I know but you love me.” he winked.

He walked into the bathroom and I heard the striking of the shower on the shower floor and not too long after, the slapping of water over Sean’s skin. It kind of turned me on, because I knew what he looked like. He was chiseled like a greek god and his face was equally as beautiful with his grey eyes and jet black hair that he always kept short.

We were close since kids and we were boys so of course we messed around, that was normal right? It was different for me though because it meant something but for Sean it was just another way to get off. I closed my eyes and began to touch myself.

‘I got like 20 minutes’ I assured.

I was getting close and my strokes were getting stronger and faster as I imagined Sean in all sorts of situations of pleasure. I moaned and gasped and just as I was about to get off I snapped out of it.

“Want me to help you with that?” Sean chuckled and my eyes grew wide.

“Shi-”

“Shhhhh.” he said as he crawled on the bed in nothing but a towel . He started to laugh as he grabbed my dick and stroke it. This was normal right? Was the only thing I could think as he began to stroke but what he did next was edgy even for me because I’d never done it before. He put his tongue to my head and began to lick and stick the tip of his tongue into the slit which made me jump.

“Are you okay?” he asked. I was breathless and unsure but I nodded, it felt too good.

“Y-yeah, keep going.” he obliged, this time putting all of me into his mouth immediately sending jolts down my spine. I began to lay back and rubbed my socks off with my feet trying to get more comfortable. He pulled my pants off taking my underwear with it.

I finally climaxed inside his mouth and he grabbed one of our cups and spat it inside.

“Ewww!” We both broke out into laughter before he adjusted himself next to me.

“Okay my turn bitch. I gave you a bj soooo you’re gonna have to go down there.”

I hesitated a bit, I hadn’t really pictured my first time like this and keeping in mind I was a virgin on both gender fronts made me whine inside. I wished it was a little more romantic. I spoke up about it, I was upset with it, I wanted it to be special and this was far from it.

“I-I- I can’t…”

“Why not, I did you?”

“I’m a virgin.”

He rolled his eyes and smiled and then grabbed me by the shoulders. “Fine, I get it.” he said.

He pulled me in closer and then sat up straight. He leaned in and then our lips touched and I wanted to pull away but I didn’t and I regretted it because we eventually found ourselves french kissing and sucking on each others lips. I got really involved and then finally lost all decision making skills as I proceeded to blow him.

He was a talker and his ‘ooohs and aaahs’ turned me on causing me to vigorously work him over until my palm and mouth felt painfully abused. He came, but unlike him I swallowed it and I loved the feel as it slowly crept down my throat.

I thought we were done but as I laid down next to him he reached over and pulled my shirt off and then sat on top of me, my dick between him. He looked magnificent from this point of view but I was silently panicking.

‘What are you doing!? What is he doing!? Holy Crap this cant be happening!’

“Hey do you got a condom?”

“Drawer.” I gasped as his skin rubbed against me causing me to become dizzy. He reached over and pulled one out and ripped the package open. I was always prepared despite the fact that I’d never done it, plus it was fun to jack off into them which seemed kind of pathetic.

Sean slipped it on like a pro which made me think that he certainly did this before. “Are you okay with this?” he asked as he started to straddle me.

I wasn’t okay with it to be honest, I wanted Taylor, I wanted romance and I wanted it to be special. However none of those things seemed in sight for me. “Y-yeah.” I whispered as he put himself at my entrance and then slowly thrust inside.

“Aww fuck!” I screamed. He quickly put his hand over my mouth shocked at my reaction.

“Shhhhh, are you crazy?”

“Fuck Sean, it hurts.” I whimpered.

“Want me to stop?” I thought about it for a while, the pain was dizzying but I’d heard about it so I shouldn’t have been surprised. And in retrospect I probably should have told him to prep me.

“N-No.” I finally managed and he then proceeded further inside me causing me to wale even louder. He put his hand over my mouth again and this time kept it there. I felt a tear roll out as the pain became more intense and then finally he reached a spot that gave me a pleasurable jolt. He removed his hand from my mouth in order for me to speak.

“Am I hurting you?” he whispered.

I shook my head, my eyes glazed over. “Keep it in for a sec, I need to adjust.” I gasped. After a moment I felt I was ready and then gave him the okay. He began to pull out and then thrust back in and each time it was a mix of excruciating pain and pleasure. And every time he hit that one spot I would wash over with relief.

“Oh my god, fuck Sean.” I gasped and he stopped to see if I was okay. He was a caring person and it showed in his love making.

“I think I should stop.”

“No, no, faster.” I begged. He obliged thrusting slowly faster and faster until I could hear the slap of his pelvis against me. He dug his head into my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around his back, my nails digging into his skin as I held on for dear life.

“I’m gonna come!” he moaned. And finally he stopped on his last thrust digging in as hard as he could while he emptied himself inside me. After he was done he kept thrusting until I came all over us hitting him on the chin. And then we collapsed his dick still inside.

Finally after a while he pulled out and promptly removed the condom and then tossed it inside of the cup with my sperm in it. And then fell next to me exhausted.

‘I’m gonna have to burn that.’ I thought.

“Holy shit, I can’t believe we just did that.” he said in awe, still gasping for air. I didn’t say anything. I was so scared what this meant. This was definitely not normal. It’s one thing to get each other off but I just let Sean fuck me. And even worse Sean just took my virginity and I didn’t know whether I should be happy or disappointed as images of Taylor still stood in the back of my mind.

“Hey what’s wrong?” he asked suddenly and I had to look away from him because I could feel the tears knocking at the back of my eyes.

“Sean, what did we just do?”

“…. Well… we just had sex I guess. But it’s not like it meant anything. God to be honest I’ve been hella horny lately and now that Tracy’s gone…”

His words hurt, I just gave myself away to some guy who thought nothing of it. I was so stupid and I felt dirty. He didn’t care about me, he didn’t care about the fact that I was a virgin and he didn’t give a damn about how I felt. I wished it were Taylor and in my act of desperation I fucked my best friend and here he was trivializing it all. Suddenly engrossed with rage at his bantering I jumped out of bed and grabbed my clothes and then threw him his.

“Just get out of here you asshole!” I yelled before going into the bathroom and locking the door.

“Hey, c’mon man what did I do? Dude Tristan tell me what’s wrong” he begged from behind the door but I ignored him trying to wipe the tears from my eyes.

“Trist it’s not weird we mess around all the time, I don’t get it.”

“Just leave!” I yelled.

“Fine! Be a jerk! Fuck you Tristan!” he yelled back and then I heard the slam of my bedroom door and then silence.

“FUCK!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I tried to bash my head in with my fists. I stood up searching frantically for something. I had a sudden idea and then took my shirt and tied it tight around my neck and began pulling it hard trying to choke myself.

“GOD KILL ME PLEASE! I don’t want to live!” I whimpered. But I couldn’t pull hard enough and then I finally relented, my hands dropping beside me My head throbbed and I felt so tired and I slowly drifted to sleep praying that when I woke up I’d be dead.

**********************************************

I didn’t bother calling Sean for the rest of break and I didn’t see my best friend for a long four weeks. However Christmas came around I was able to distract myself. I loved my family, not necessarily my parents but I loved my extended family. My grandparents were kind and loving and so were my aunts and uncles whom all spoiled me like they did all kids. My mother was the eldest of six kids and each sibling going on to have two kids, my sister and I being the eldest of the grandchildren.

I always had fun at my grandmother’s house who lived all the way in San Jose which had a large Chamorro population. It was like living on Guam again. I was surrounded by people who looked like me, acted like me, spoke the same language as me. Of course I was a half-breed but most Chamorros who lived in the states were. It was more about what you identified as, not what kind of blood that ran through your veins. And the way that my family treated me and my American dad it would have appeared that we were full bloods.

However like everything in my life, my family didn’t come without baggage. I was the eldest and there was much expected from me, and a lot of money invested in my future. I was to be the successor of the clan which I had already failed to meet the criterion because Clan leaders could only be women according to tradition. However I still had a long time to bask in innocence before destroying my family with the secrets I withheld.

It was fun, and as I spent the night with my family for both Christmas eve and day I wished that I could stay like that forever, with my family laughing and having fun together as if the big bad world you read about never existed. However everything came to an end and I reluctantly returned to my home in Moraga to further rot away for another two weeks before I’d have to return to the mess I’d created in school.

My parents were never home because of work and the days were cold and dismal. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything, I was wasting away and so was my brain. I didn’t get anything done over break and I would have finals coming back to school.

‘I need to get out of here.’ I told myself finally and I decided to go somewhere, anywhere really, I needed to stretch my legs. I needed to breathe. I looked out the window and saw that it was raining pretty heavy outside. I grabbed a hoodie my ipod and opened the door.

“God Damnit!” I said shutting the door again.

‘Knock’ ‘Knock’ I heard as the person on the other side tried to get in.

“Tristan, we need to talk!”

I swung the door open and growled. “What do you want?”

“C-can we take a walk?”

“Fuck you Taylor, go away. How did you even find my address?”

“Phone book, but please I need to talk to you.”

“Get the fuck out of here before I kick your ass you bastard.” I went to slam the door on his face but he put his hand in the way.

“Ah, damn!” he yelped.

“Oh my god I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I sighed. “Here let me see your hand.” I demanded. He put his hand out and I quickly looked over it.

“You’ll be fine. Now what do you want?”

“Can I come in?” I thought about it for a while and then eyed him angrily. He was sopping wet, he must have been out there for a while and I silently cringed.

“Fine…” I let the door swing open as he passed by me through the doorway. He pulled down his hood and revealed his wet hair that made me even more vulnerable to whatever he was going to say to me.

“So what the fuck do you want?” I asked after a while.

He was nervous, I could tell it by the way he twitched and shook. “I-I’m sorry… for everything. I’m sorry I avoided you, I’m sorry for yelling at you and I’m sorry for hurting you. I was drunk and I didn’t know what to do, and you never talked to me after and I thought you hated me… please say something.”

“I do hate you.” I replied coldly. He looked away in shame.

“Tristan… please don’t hate me… I don’t know anymore. You’re driving me crazy. I think about you all the time, ever since…. I-I want to try, I want to be with you.”

I softened up at this, ‘He wants to be with me? He wants to… date me?’ I asked puzzled.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He slowly approached me and all I could do was stare at his beauty. He grabbed my hand and I tried to pull it away but he held it tight.

“Be my boyfriend.” He softly demanded.

“Wha-what the fuck?” I replied.

“You heard me.” he whispered as he slowly wrapped his arms around my waist. “Will you?”

I relaxed a bit letting his embrace cradle me into a state of security.

“I-I can’t”

“Then be my friend.” I didn’t respond I just nodded as I let myself go in his arms. He walked me slowly upstairs never letting go of my hand.

“Which one is yours?” I pointed my room out and he opened the door and hugged me again bringing us to the bed. I hugged him tight as we laid there. I hated him, but I loved him, I despised his touch, but I adored his skin, we didn’t agree, but we were compatible, he was my enemy, but he was my lover.

‘God please don’t make this moment end.’ I prayed. As I fell asleep in his arms and for the first time in weeks my worries went away, I didn’t have to think I just felt and I felt happy for the first time since all this mess started. I let out a long awaited sigh of relief.

‘Thank you God.’