The ones that didn't get burned - 1. Chapter 1

If there is one thing that all should aspire to accomplish in this world it should be to say the things unsaid. To find a way in which to tell those that have already left us how much you miss them and even more so to summon the courage to tell those you know now how much you love them and to speak of the things that no one wishes to hear. For those of us in this world, such as myself, with no such courage our lives are lived in regret for the past and apprehension for the future and contempt for our present situation.

I have not known any pain that I read about in captivating literature, I have and forever remain withdrawn and always confused. In a constant spiral of regret and shame for the things I do not want to accept about myself, I find the depression that follows these thoughts to be the only despair comparable to what is written and the only manner in which I can imitate the miserably torn emotions of the authors that rip at me with their powerful words.

Yet I am appalled with myself and further ashamed of how insensitive I have grown toward the testimonies so emotionally packed that even the most stoic of beasts would find themselves stricken with grief.

I had always been attracted to tragedy. It is written in my blood. However even as I write these words I struggle to shed those traditional tears and my body denies me the smallest grace of physical acknowledgement of the things that batter around within me and shake my core to such a state that I cannot even begin to describe.

Is it that I have lost my tears? Have I run out of them? Can such a thing be limited? Where can it be bought, traded or stolen? In what way will I find them again? Will it be too late for me?

My tears have served in the stead of the verbal emotions that have fought their battle to be released from imprisonment within my breathe and now that I have lost my weapons should I take it as a sign?

Am I ready? Should I follow the cues of my body? Follow the voice of my heart that pleads with me constantly to admit to the secrets that have long been balled up and dismissed? I miss and I long and I wish and yet to this day I find it difficult to utter such simple things; ‘I’m sorry,’ ‘I love you,’ ‘Please accept me.’

The pen is the only private room one could find, the only best friend, the only good listener, the only secret keeper. May my utterances be kept by my confidant ‘till the hour I find the courage to say the things unsaid.

**************

I have always loved you, it is for you that my hands bleed against the muddy rock.
It is for you that I pick and pick.
I stare at the slush to find the beautiful sparkle, that brilliant shine that life rarely witnesses.
I bring you my spoils, the diamonds I find. Small, but numerous. So many to gaze upon and collectively they increase the brilliance of your diamond encrusted throne.
I present them to you, the smile of pride plastered upon my face. I love you so much, I can only hope that you share my joy.
You say nothing for hours, days even, while I hold my treasures within my palms praying they do not fall about and scatter, because only together will they shine so brightly.
You lift your hand, your fine hand that I love. And you pick away my diamonds, my treasures.
“Common, Invaluable, Useless, Plain!” You shout as you toss about the treasures from my bleeding hands.
You glare at me and then dismiss me, I leave and I never come back and yet I still love you. You hurt me and yet I still love you. I do not see you and yet I still love you.
You’re gone now and yet I still remember the stabbing words. They break flesh again and I bleed for days yet my eyes tear and all I utter is;
“I still love you”

*************

Esta u’malefa’-gue I tano’.
I lamlam, I uchan, I tasi, I saddok
U’malagu sienti ta’lo.

Manenheng I ispiritu-ku
Ya matuhon I mamatai-hu
Ya ti sina fa’maolek I lina’la’lo gi halom guahu.

Yu’us na’para’ I minahalang fan! Konne-yu tatte.
Gi I hinassu-ku, gi I gima-hu, gi I nana-hu ya ga’chong-hu.

Konne-yu tatte ya na’matai-yu guatu,
Para u-sienti ta’lo I nana-hu.
I Pelu-na, I kannai-na, I susu-na, I mata-na.

Solu u’tanga para asodda’ I manganiti,
Ya abrasu siha, ya chiku siha,
Ya sangani siha,
na u’laisen siha.

(I have already forgotten the land,
The thunder, the rain, the ocean, the river,
I want to feel again.

My spirit is cold,
My death has begun,
I cannot reconcile the anger within me.

God stop the sickness please! Bring me back.
To my memory, to my home, to my mother and friend.

Bring me back and kill me there,
So that I may feel again my mother.
Her hair, her hands, her breast, her face.

I can only hope to meet the demons,
And hug them, and kiss them,
And tell them,
that I miss them.)

****************

Please! Slow down!
My heart dangles by your side as you take to the night.
You showed me your face one last time.

It shined brilliant in the moonlight,
Your smile filled the room as though it were day.
Your hair mimicked the very same night sky in which you flee in.

You showed me a new world that was centered on your countenance.
I have known no universe more beautiful.
Cruelly though you have begun your collapse and I am still trapped inside.

How rude, how heartless,
You dare not lift a hand to guide a lost boy.
Defenseless and weak in the presence of your stares.

You opened the doors to me and then shut it.
I have never felt so alone.
You have never left my thoughts.

I became many things for you,
I did things that no man could do.
You turned me into stone and then carved me away.

You left nothing but pebbles that shine polished in the moonlight.
They try to pull themselves together so as to stop your march.
But your chilling voice had already stunned them into submission.
You said nothing, only cooed and hummed,
You blew into the air your goodbyes hoping that I would hear.
But to this day I wait. Why is there no air?

***********

You kissed me on my eyes,
Then you played with my lips as we stared out at an ugly beast,
That only sought to destroy us.

We cowered in fear yes, but nothing could keep us apart.
My stomach churns, and my hands begin to scribble in tongues unknown to man.

You hummed your song as you walked by me,
You have my attention.

I gave you my heart,
I threw it to you!
You caught it and kissed it tenderly.

We said nothing of this of course!
You kept my heart next to yours, in your locker and sometimes mine.

I waited by the door to see how much you loved me.
You challenged me further. I love this game.

You took me to the garden and hid.
Hide and seek, my favorite!
I will find you I swear.

When I do though, promise me one thing.
Throw me your heart, I wish to catch it, I wish to kiss it,
Then keep it.

I want to win so badly, you’ve no clue.
Spare me no hints, I will find you among the roses.
Don’t worry the ugly beast did not follow.

Come here so I may kiss you on the eyes, and play with your lips.
I wish to hum to you my song. Do I have your attention yet? You still have mine.