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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

An Anniversary Gift - 1. Chapter 1 An Anniversary Gift

This is my "coming out" story. I thank Armistead Maupin for his role in helping me do so.

Everybody’s “coming out” story is special, at least to them. It is a quintessential part of being gay. Other minorities don’t have to tell their families they are different from society writ large. We do. Because of that, I want to share my “coming out” story from 19 years ago. It goes something like this.

I had known I loved other males since I was a teenager. Perhaps I knew even longer that I was different from others. But I didn’t want to accept it until I fell in love. I accepted falling in love, living with a partner, and being part of the community but I still didn’t tell my family. I didn’t think that mattered. I thought it would only cause heartache to them and pain for me.

I found out I was wrong.

I moved to Florida and the relationship eventually fizzled. I lived in Jacksonville Florida and drifted from job to job. I had no central purpose. I didn’t even like myself much. So when my brother came to visit and asked why I stayed there, I didn’t have an answer. I wanted to go home. So, I packed my things, rode a bus back to Minnesota, and started a fresh new life.

It was great. I got a job I liked. I met wonderful friends. I began trying to reconnect with my family. But, there was a problem. I found myself afraid to talk to my parents about my life. I didn’t want to talk about my female friends because my family thought they were girlfriends. I was afraid to talk about my male friends because I was paranoid I’d say the wrong thing. Instead of getting closer to them, I found myself telling elaborate stories or even simply telling them nothing about me. I was shutting them out and it felt like a cage was closing in on me.

The winter of 1994, I was reading the Armistead Maupin series, ‘Tales of the City.’ It was interesting to read about how things were in San Francisco in the 1970’s but it seemed so far away. At least it did until I read Michael Mouse’s “coming out” letter to his parents in More Tales of the City.

It changed the way I thought about things. Here is the portion that affected me most powerfully.

“Dear Mama,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write. Every time I try to write to you and Papa I realize I'm not saying the things that are in my heart. That would be O.K., if I loved you any less than I do, but you are still my parents and I am still your child.

I have friends who think I'm foolish to write this letter. I hope they're wrong. I hope their doubts are based on parents who loved and trusted them less than mine do. I hope especially that you'll see this as an act of love on my part, a sign of my continuing need to share my life with you.”

The words Maupin put on the page were the sentiments I was feeling. I had returned to Minnesota to become closer with the family I love. Instead we were growing apart. The constant censoring and editing I felt I had to do with my life was squeezing them out. I couldn’t let that control me any longer.

So, I wrote my parents a letter. I used my own words but I explained to them I believed in their love and trusted them with my heart. I told them I wanted us to have an open, honest relationship and that could only happen if they knew I was gay. I couldn’t hide that part any longer.

I wrote the letter up, put it in an envelope and sent it. I had a heavy heart over the next couple of days. I thought for sure my conservative, religious parents would reject me. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done it.

I looked at the calendar and saw a notation. I’d mailed that letter a day before my parents’ thirty year wedding anniversary. I couldn’t believe my thoughtlessness. I felt even worse than before.

I received a phone call the next day. My dad called and said that he and mom wanted to come up and talk to me. That made me feel a little better but I was still petrified. What would they say? Would they ask me to hide it? Could they really accept me as I am?

When the day came, it went better than I’d hoped for. Obviously my dad had done some research. He even knew that “gay” was an acronym for “green and yellow” from the days of Oscar Wilde. They asked me questions about it. They had been worried I was a drug addict or something far more tragic. In the end, they love me and want the best for me.

I have since realized that I did give them a gift that year. I gave them the gift of my “coming out” and my honesty with them. I’m not sure they would characterize it as that, but my relationship with my family has only gotten closer. I’m able to talk to them about things I was otherwise afraid to. I met my partner Randy and they accepted him and love him more and more as the years pass. Sometimes “coming out” can be the best gift you can give to a loved one. At least, that’s how it worked for me.

Copyright © 2013 Cole Matthews; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

Rndmrunner

lovely story. It reminded me of my own story. I also had drifted apart from family by censoring my life. I came out to them in the 80"s but them=n it was not spoken of and so there was still distance. In 1994 i met my partner and within weeks i realized that i want him to be a part o my family life. So we had a Guess who's coming to dinner moment and never looked back. It was easier for my parents to accept my being gay with a flesh and blood partner. They saw a kind decent man rather than a faceless stereotype.

thanks for sharing your story

  • Like 2
Lisa

What a great coming out story, Cole! You're so lucky your parents didn't shun you and they continue to love and support you. =)

 

I find it sad that teenagers and adults alike, have so much stress over coming out. Why do they need to 'come out'? Why can't they just show up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and leave it at that? Know what I mean? I mean, no one would raise any eyebrows if a boy came home with a girl, so why is it that people get so bent out of shape if the boy comes home with another boy? I just don't get it. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, and if they don't, they should have never been parents in the first place. No child should have to go through the heartache of feeling like their family and their home will be taken away from them if they come out. That's just horrible.

 

Eh, I could go on and on, but this isn't the place. Anyway, I'm glad everything worked out for you, Cole. =)

  • Like 2
Daithi

What a beautiful coming out story. I can to a certain degree see how you would think of the letter being bad timing. But as a a mother of two 20 something girls I think the timing would be perfect, If I had a son that was ostracizing himself from the family and as far as I could see for no real reason then getting a heartfelt letter of love with an explanation I think it would be a beautiful gift. On one hand I can see your hesitation because truthfully whenever you hear of coming out stories its not the good ones that bring families closer its the ones where the kids are killed, hospitalized , kicked out of the family those are the ones that come first to the mind of kids. Ive had three separate anniversaries in my life where our my gift was my husbands life and my daughters so I guess I'm not exactly the greatest person to compare after nearly losing my daughter twice adn my husband once having either of my girls write me a letter to say that they were gay would be nothing.

This story is full of the love your family has for you and you have for them that is the way it should be we need more stories like this to replace the painful ones that are always brought to mind first. Thank you for sharing your coming out story and I personally think it is the best \nniversary gift you could have given your parents. :hug:

  • Like 2
Cole Matthews
On 10/15/2013 02:37 AM, Rndmrunner said:
lovely story. It reminded me of my own story. I also had drifted apart from family by censoring my life. I came out to them in the 80"s but them=n it was not spoken of and so there was still distance. In 1994 i met my partner and within weeks i realized that i want him to be a part o my family life. So we had a Guess who's coming to dinner moment and never looked back. It was easier for my parents to accept my being gay with a flesh and blood partner. They saw a kind decent man rather than a faceless stereotype.

thanks for sharing your story

So true. After our talk, my parents said they didn't want to talk about it anymore, but four years later I met Randy and they DID want to know him. Very true that flesh and blood is hard to ignore.
  • Like 2
Cole Matthews
On 10/15/2013 04:24 AM, Stephen said:
I've never heard about the green and yellow acronym, -that's fascinating.

Thanks for sharing your experience with your family. Since every family is unique

we know that there are no real generalities, but it's encouraging to see that you

came away better from the experience.

I hadn't heard the green and yellow thing either but after our talk, I looked it up and in one story on the origin of the word "gay" it has Oscar Wilde wearing a green carnation with a yellow ribbon or something. What touched me most was my father researched it. This is before they had a computer and no Google!
  • Like 2
Cole Matthews
On 10/15/2013 06:00 AM, Lisa said:
What a great coming out story, Cole! You're so lucky your parents didn't shun you and they continue to love and support you. =)

 

I find it sad that teenagers and adults alike, have so much stress over coming out. Why do they need to 'come out'? Why can't they just show up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and leave it at that? Know what I mean? I mean, no one would raise any eyebrows if a boy came home with a girl, so why is it that people get so bent out of shape if the boy comes home with another boy? I just don't get it. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, and if they don't, they should have never been parents in the first place. No child should have to go through the heartache of feeling like their family and their home will be taken away from them if they come out. That's just horrible.

 

Eh, I could go on and on, but this isn't the place. Anyway, I'm glad everything worked out for you, Cole. =)

Thanks Lisa. Yeah, it does seem odd it needs to happen but I was truly terrified in the days leading up to it. I was happy it went well.
  • Like 2
Cole Matthews
On 10/15/2013 08:14 AM, Daithi said:
What a beautiful coming out story. I can to a certain degree see how you would think of the letter being bad timing. But as a a mother of two 20 something girls I think the timing would be perfect, If I had a son that was ostracizing himself from the family and as far as I could see for no real reason then getting a heartfelt letter of love with an explanation I think it would be a beautiful gift. On one hand I can see your hesitation because truthfully whenever you hear of coming out stories its not the good ones that bring families closer its the ones where the kids are killed, hospitalized , kicked out of the family those are the ones that come first to the mind of kids. Ive had three separate anniversaries in my life where our my gift was my husbands life and my daughters so I guess I'm not exactly the greatest person to compare after nearly losing my daughter twice adn my husband once having either of my girls write me a letter to say that they were gay would be nothing.

This story is full of the love your family has for you and you have for them that is the way it should be we need more stories like this to replace the painful ones that are always brought to mind first. Thank you for sharing your coming out story and I personally think it is the best \nniversary gift you could have given your parents. :hug:

Thank you. That is why I love coming out stories. There are plenty of happy ones, or at least ones that are positive. We don't always tell those. I hope the guys I shared this with on Twitter see it isn't all bad. Love ya Darling.
  • Like 2
lovesickpuppy

One Friday afternoon, I came out to my dad first, in Vietnamese. The following Sunday, I came out to my mom, in Vietnamese as well. They love me but they're still having some difficulties in understanding. They've stressed that being close to death, in age, they don't want anymore shock coming their way.

Your story, and mine, are the lucky ones. Some could be kicked out and homeless. I wonder if it is true today? In less acceptable countries, it is against the law and is punishable by death or prison. We're living in a very fortunate world, and sometimes, we need stories like yours to remind us how amazing life is when it is shared with our loved ones. Thank you for sharing.

  • Like 2
Cole Matthews
On 10/27/2014 01:24 PM, lovesickpuppy said:
One Friday afternoon, I came out to my dad first, in Vietnamese. The following Sunday, I came out to my mom, in Vietnamese as well. They love me but they're still having some difficulties in understanding. They've stressed that being close to death, in age, they don't want anymore shock coming their way.

Your story, and mine, are the lucky ones. Some could be kicked out and homeless. I wonder if it is true today? In less acceptable countries, it is against the law and is punishable by death or prison. We're living in a very fortunate world, and sometimes, we need stories like yours to remind us how amazing life is when it is shared with our loved ones. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you! We are fortunate both in place and time. We've been marginalized, tortured and killed in other eras and spaces. Celebrating our luck isn't a bad thing. Sharing our stories, like you have, helps us all find some understanding and peace. I appreciate your comments and kind words.
  • Like 2
Cole Matthews
On 02/18/2015 07:46 AM, keyisfake said:
What a wonderful coming out story. I'm glad it all worked out.

I raise my kids to understand that there is nothing they can't tell me. I even told them when they were young when they were showing interest in other people that I wouldn't care if they were straight or gay. So long as the other person makes them happy.

Nice letter.

Thank you. It was hard but it worked out well. Youre a good person.
  • Like 2
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