A World Between - 3. Letter 3 (Revised)

Dear Ryan, did I mention in my last letter I am playing in the school band? I'm not sure how I did it because I didn't even apply for the thing, but Ms Watson searched me out at Lunch period and congratulated me on making the team. I'm not sure if she was more begging me to consider coming back this year. I don’t know why, but I sorta caved and agreed for some reason. I have no idea why I did that before having all the facts. I guess having a distraction could help. I’m feeling genuinely better this week, compared to the other weeks. I don't know why I'm only now starting to get over things, but I don't mean it that way when I say‘ get over things.'

It's just; I don't know… It's hard to say it in words, and it's hard to write what I'm feeling. It's like this piece of my chest has been drilled through, far to the other side, and there is a significant tunnel burrowed and visible as you'd see in all those horror movies. I remember violence in film grossed you out, even though you were on an entirely gross stage of your own. Is it strange that I miss the weirdness? For the life of me, I'll never know why your farts were so volatile, or why you'd start discussing different code names for your shit at the dinner table. Yeah, I'll admit they were horribly funny at the time, but, of course, it's customary to say such things are disgusting. Especially when you are eating something that resembles sick or shit when you look at it.

The movie you wanted to see is out in theatres. You know the one you waited an entire year to see. I know you loved the first one and you practically dragged me along to watch it with you. Even when I wasn't remotely interested, but I have to say I secretly enjoyed it. I don't know why I was pretending not to like it; it's like if you do something you're not accustomed to, then you're not sure if you should be doing it. At the same time, if you do something you're not accustomed to, you feel better for having done it. I'm glad I went to see that movie with you. I thought I could go and see it, but then I remembered it's something you and I should do together. I'm not exactly sure how I can just pick up someone else and go with them, considering it was you who introduced me to the franchise. But regarding your… em… you know…, I'll figure something out; I know you'll want all the intel on the movie. Where the first film ended was really on a cliff-hanger, and you drove me crazy with all your theories for over a month on how you thought it would conclude. So, if I do anything for us at all, then I'll do that.

Oh, and em… I found one of your hoodies in my closet. I don't know how it got there, but I know it's yours. It's not just ONE of your hoodies; it's the red one. You know, your favourite one. I didn't know what to do with it. I couldn't bring myself to give it to your Mom or… no…, I don’t think I could get rid of it. That’s insulting. Instead, I sorta pulled it on and wore it today. I'm still wearing it now, while I’m sitting at the iron sailor by the sea. It feels natural to wear it; I’m sorry if you disapprove. If you don’t want me to wear it, I won’t. It's just I could get your YOU smell of it… That sounded weird… sorry. I’m just thinking out loud. But is it weird, if I miss your YOU smell? I don't know, but I like it and miss it at the same time because it reminds me of you. It's not gay or anything, I swear… It's just… I know it's something you wore and that you liked. I wore it proudly though… I know it's wrong, and I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't think about it like this, but it's just, I don't know, I mis… I miss you, man. There…, I said it. I'm not sure why it feels so hard to say it, but I do, I miss you.

Anyway, maybe I should get going… I have homework to do, which is a lot by far.

Anyway, later.

Jake