A World Between - 6. Letter 6 (Revised)

Ryan, you won't believe what I heard today, our song, I heard it. It was on the radio in the car when my Mom picked me up from school. Given the weather today was shit when I got in the car, the song was playing on the radio. I didn't exactly know what to do with the emotional baggage that came with the lyrics, the stupid guitar, and set of crashing drums in the background. The song just reminded me of you, and as I sat there looking out the window at the world fly by in the rain, I felt this sombre darkness in my heart. It felt extraordinarily sharp; I don't know how to explain it, but it really, really hurt. Even more than when we were playing hockey in the winter, and you hit my shinbone. Yeah, that bloody hurt, but this emotion cut more than all the time's something like that has hurt me. It felt like my heart sunk to the most profound trench, had been ripped out, stabbed and then bandaged up before surgically placed back inside my chest. I hate the song now; it hurt. Why did you have to introduce me to that song? I have spent the last hour on and off crying. I tell you this because I practically tell/told you everything and I can't shake the deep sadness now in my heart. I never want to hear that stupid song ever again. It brought back all the happy emotions You and I had; it made my heart and mind ease up for a few minutes. I was enjoying the song and then about mid-way through it, I felt this darkness taint the vision. I glanced out the window to make it look like I was totally not going to cry, but I have been since I got home. You won't tell anyone; will you, dude? It's a secret right… just like the secret you still keep about your wrestling figurines in a shoebox in the back of your closet.

I feel like I’m going a little crazy here. I can’t figure out what is wrong with me. Even more importantly, why can't I stop crying? I swear, I’m going soft and I'm not turning gay or anything, it's just that I genuinely miss you. I'm getting scared that I'll forget you; I know it's ridiculous because what we had can never be replaced. You won't forget about me, will you? I hope not because I don't want to forget about you. I needed to get some closure or something, earlier, after I started crying after that song. All I can picture is you singing obnoxiously to it. So, I dialled your number, and when I got through to the service, it said that your number was no longer in service. I mean, I can't understand what happened. I was just there the other day. I was able to call, and I'd hear your voicemail, but now I can't hear your voice anymore, and that upsets me more than the song did. I don't want to forget about you, and I don't want your existence to suddenly vanish because that’s what it feels like. Why did the phone company shut off your service? I should have recorded your voice. In all of the pictures I have taken of us I haven’t got a single video with your voice on tape.

I'm so sorry man if I got a little too mushy; it just It feels weird that you're nowhere in my life anymore. I think I'll stop here; I don't think I can write anymore, even if I wanted to… I’m sorry I have to cut it short, but I’ll write again soon, I think… I promise, or something.

Jake.