A World Between - 9. Letter 9 (Revised)

Dude, today has been a really crummy day. I was sitting at my desk at school, and I had this sudden realization I forgot how you looked. How you smile and how you'd show frustration when I never learned something quick enough for your liking. I miss that about you. Is this weird? I could not stop thinking about you all day man, by the time my third class started, I legitimately cried in the bathroom, so nobody else would see me. I feel like I'm losing who you used to be. I don't want to lose the concept of what you looked like.

I skipped school earlier than usual. I went home for lunch because I felt a little heavy on the inside. The school called later in the day to tell my Mom I ditched school, which is not the problem nor the point. The point is when I got home, I could not stop looking at all the pictures of you. Every single photograph you are in has changed for me; it gave me the illusion for a little while I was looking directly at you again. I just wanted to reach out and touch your face or hug you in the photos; I don't know why. It's just… you looked so full of life, so brave, happy, and a there's a quality that almost felt like a dream when I looked at the photos. I know it's just a fantasy, but it felt like I could connect with you just for a little bit. But it didn't end there because after the magic of the pictures on my cell wore off; I went searching for any and every photo I had of you in the photo albums. You know the paper ones that are printed on fancy paper? Yeah well, those. We were such little kids in them. I came across one where you were at one of my birthday parties. You were there sitting on my left; both of our faces were covered in cake, and the smiles on our faces were haunting. It's hard to explain, but for a second, I felt the happiness and the embrace of the moment come flooding back to me. I remember the day fondly; cake fights are incredible.

I know I promised you that I wouldn't wear your sweatshirt anymore. But I slipped it on while I was opening and rejoicing with the photographs. Just the feeling of being close to who you were was enough to make me feel content today. I know it's lame, but it made me feel better today. It made me feel normal for once.

I think there was some reasoning in what my sister said the other day. I know it's not right to hold on forever, but I want you to know that there has not been a day I have not regretted since you died. I know it was my fault, but I need to find a way to move on. If I don't, I don't think I'll ever leave this state of mind, which I hear can drive someone insane if they stay too long in it. It makes me feel like you are here with me, and it doesn't make me feel so alone. So, if you can just let me have this in the meantime, I'd appreciate it, even though I know you'd rather me not wear your clothes. I don't have the words to explain how I feel, but all I know is you're not here because of me, and everything is going on as if you never existed. I can't come to terms that you're gone man. I know whatever little piece of you I'm holding onto doesn't want to let go. And I don't think I want to let go because I'll fucking miss you, and forget about you and all the shit in-between. I shouldn't have gone there that day; I don't know why I didn't say anything, but I knew something was slightly off. I should have just followed my gut. If I had done, there would have been a possibility you’d still be alive. Damn… Sigh… I should go, I’ll talk to you another time.