The lock clicked making Jeremy wince. The low sound of the click seemed to echo throughout the silent hallway. His heart was thudding against his chest. He wiped the little drops of sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand and gulped. He had to go in. And hopefully, it would be one of those nights when Jacob returned late from his business meetings. Praying fervently, he turned the door knob and entered. The hall was dark. Jeremy stepped in and as a year of living in the apartment had conditioned him, extended his arm to trace the switch on the wall. The room flooded with light.
Jeremy's eyes flinched with the sudden bright light. He took a minute and then focussed around himself. The chair at the opposite corner facing the entrance was still and vacant. He heaved a sigh of relief and headed to his room. There was a spring in his step as he changed into shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Humming softly he got into bed. Lying comfortably between the sheets, he checked his cell. There was a text from Chris.
"Thanks for everything. Hoping to see you soon. Good night babe! ;)"
Jeremy smiled and texted 'good night' in response. A bit curious he sent a text to Jacob. Five minutes passed with no reply from him. Accustomed to the ignoring treatment, Jeremy didn't think much and let sleep engulf him.
He was walking on the sandy beach; the gushing and raging sea on the side with the wind howling loudly. Wet sand stuck to his bare feet making motion difficult. But swift sea waves would travel to his feet, washing the sand away. The sand continued to cling to his feet, the sea continued to wash it away. The wind was howling in his ears. The sound of the raging sea filled his senses. He looked ahead. There stood Jacob looking at him. He was smiling. His bare chest had sand on it; he stood with his arms outstretched. Jeremy savoured the sight. His green eyes brightened with radiant joy at the sight of his lover. He moved faster, he was walking faster now; he was running now. But the distance between them never seemed to fill. Jacob seemed to be far away, the more Jeremy ran, the more the distance grew. He was panting now. But he had to reach him. He ran harder, his feet sinking into the sand. A sharp blinding pain emanated in his feet and travelled through his body.
Jeremy sat up straight screaming in pain. He looked up and saw a dishevelled Jacob glaring at him with a thin but sturdy metal rod in his hand. Jeremy clung to the soles of his feet which were now angry red and burning with the blow. Tears swelled up in his eyes as he quickly flung backwards against the bed post, staring in shock and fear. Jacob's face was red with anger, his eyes bulging in fury; he hit Jeremy with the rod. Jeremy flung himself backwards, his head hitting the wall; but could not avoid the rod as it hit his leg making him howl in dual pain.
"Please...please Jacob. Please leave me. What have I done?" Jeremy urged in desperation as tears spilled from his eyes. He was stuck against the wall with no escape. Jacob cast him a contemptuous look and stomped on to the bed to reach him. Jeremy pleaded in fear, hurling himself against the wall.
"You! Son of a bitch. What did you think? You're gonna run off with a motherfucker and I won't know. You fucking slut! Tonight I'm gonna show you, bitch!" Jacob thundered and grabbed Jeremy's hair. Jeremy winced in pain as Jacob pulled at his hair and hurled him of the bed, onto the cold floor. Jeremy fell dragging the silk white sheets with him. A mess of sheets entangled in his legs, Jeremy landed hard on the floor. Jacob grabbed the sheets and pulled them away. Jeremy tried to get his legs out of the entangled mess but couldn't. Jacob was seething in rage and yanked harder; jerking Jeremy's body in the process. His knees hit the corner of the bed and a blinding pain shot through him while his head banged against the tiled floor making him dizzy. He yelled in pain and begged.
But nothing could stop Jacob. Nothing had ever stopped Jacob before. Endless cries of pain, sorrow and pleadings had fallen on a deaf ear, against an ice cold hard heart. Jacob swung the rod again hitting Jeremy's fingers as the latter tried to defend himself. Jeremy jerked backwards and Jacob kicked him in the stomach. Jeremy couldn't even shout as the wind was knocked out of him. An intense choking pain struggled throughout his body. He recoiled and writhed on the floor while Jacob stood straight glaring at him, breathing hard and sweating. Jacob took the rod and struck again. Only this time the rod snapped into two as it made contact with Jeremy's back. Jeremy arched in pain. His stomach and back were aching; the room was spinning around him, blurring slowly. He tried to gain focus but couldn't.
He needed air. He felt as if he was being strangled. He had to breathe. But, the pain in his stomach wasn't allowing him to. He shuddered repulsively as he felt an acidic feeling in his oesophagus. He felt it and tried to stop but couldn't. He retched all over the floor. His throat felt burnt and his tongue repugnant. Suddenly, cold water splashed onto his face. He shook his head, and wiped the water from his eyes. As he gained focus he looked up and saw Jacob standing with an empty glass.
"I'm not done yet. Wake up!" He scowled at him.
Jeremy looked up at him with tears and sobbed. "W...what have I...I...d...done?"
"What have you done!?" Jacob scorned. "You think you will cheat on me with petty road tramps and I won't know!"
"But I did not cheat on you. I would never betray you." Jeremy pleaded between sobs. "I...I love you, Jacob. I would never do so."
"You love me." Jacob spoke softly and came near him. He bent and came face to face with Jeremy lying on the floor. Jacob smiled and Jeremy looked at him in expectation. Suddenly, Jacob's face distorted in rage and he slapped Jeremy across the face. The sound echoed throughout the apartment. Jeremy was shaken and fresh tears began to spill from his red swollen eyes. Red marks began to appear on his soft fair cheek. Jacob grabbed Jeremy's face in his hand and made him look up.
"You can never betray me, Jeremy. The day I saw you, I decided you would be mine. The day I proposed and you said yes; you became MINE. And now FOREVER, you will be with ME. No one can ever come into your life ever again! I am the owner of your life!"
Jeremy looked in to the handsome face contorted in scorn and anger. He looked into the cold and furious black eyes. He felt his hot breathe on his face. He felt the rage and possession in the hand that held his face; he felt the authority in the strong husky voice. Jeremy looked at his assaulter. He looked at his fiancé. He couldn't cry anymore. There were no tears left to shed. He felt trapped and choked. He felt sick in the gut. He wanted to jerk his hand away. He wanted to run out of the door right now and never come back. But he couldn't. he knew he had to stay. He knew he had nowhere to go. He had no home. His family had turned him out and the only person who had let him in was Jacob. There was no escaping him.
Jacob let go of his face and pushed him away. He fell back on the floor with a low thud. Jacob stomped out of the room towards the bar. He grabbed a bottle of whisky half empty and drained it. Jeremy tried to get up. He rested his hand on the floor trying to get up; but the instant his body weighed on the bruised fingers, they gave way and he fell. He tried to lift his leg but it hurt badly and the attempts were making his head dizzy. He felt a hot liquid trickling the side of his head. Blood, he had hit himself hard when he had fallen. Jacob re-entered the room. He staggered towards him and bent. His face inches from Jeremy Jacob spoke. A whiff of alcohol filled Jeremy's senses.
"Let me help you."
With that Jacob scooped Jeremy in his arms and helped him lie on bed. Jeremy winced in pain as he was carried and kept on bed. Lying on his back he looked at Jacob. Jacob was looking at him in a childlike manner. His head tilted to one side. A single tear made its way from his eyes. Jeremy looked at the familiar state. He knew what was next. He had been shocked the first time. But after months of the same situation, he was better informed.
Sure enough Jacob sat down next to him and softly grazed his hand on Jeremy's cheek. He looked at him sadly and bent to kiss him on the spot where his hand had hit him.
"Why do you do this to me? Why do you make me hurt you? Why don't you understand? I love you so much." Jacob spoke in a soft voice while caressing his cheeks and ruffling his hair softly. Jeremy felt repulsed at the touch. Perhaps, the feelings of tumult and pain within him were overwhelming to the extent that his disgust appeared on his face. Jacob didn't miss it and stopped dead. Jeremy realized his grievous mistake and looked at him in fear and despair. Jacob looked at him with his eye brow raised but resumed his caressing. Jeremy heaved a sigh of relief. He didn't know that the ordeal had not ended. The soft caressing soon became harsh. His pulled his cheeks. He laid his hand on his stomach and moved his fingers all over it. Next second, he jumped on top of him. Jeremy winced in pain as his body got crushed by Jacob's. He pressed his lips against Jeremy's forcing him to open them. When Jeremy didn't, Jacob pinned his arms to the side and forced his tongue into Jeremy's mouth. With the multiple aches in his entire frame, Jeremy had lost all will to struggle. He let all resistance give way. He let Jacob bury his face in his neck, biting him in passion. He closed his eyes to Jacob's touch. He closed his eyes to the world around him.
***
"What the hell?" Jeremy winced at Tiara's shrill reproaching voice making its way out of the cell phone. He was still dizzy and weak from the night's events and her reproach did nothing to soothe him.
"I'm not well. I can't come today. See you around." With that he disconnected the call, not waiting to enter into a series of arguments when his head was already pounding and every inch of his body was in unending pain. Sighing he pressed the switch-off key and the cell went dead. A cold breeze made its way through the atmosphere making him shiver violently. The soft fluffy snowflakes that had fallen as he and Chris stood looking at each other, oblivious to the world around, had taken the form of a stormy hail in the course of the night. The thundering storm could be heard echoing outside, raging against the windows of the several apartments of the sky-scrapers of the city. The morning news had said that it was one of the most terrible nights of the winter months of the city. Oblivious to the raging winds outside, Jeremy had been suffering the ravages of Jacob. It was around 8 am and the city was waking up to witness the aftermath of unleashed nature. The steadily increasing cold that was chilling his spine and the buzz of the waking world around him woke up Jeremy from his reverie. He turned away from the balcony and softly slid the door, to enter the bedroom.
He entered tip-toe, trying not to make much noise. To his relief he saw the limp and rhythmically breathing form of Jacob lying on his stomach on the bed. Perhaps, Jacob had drunk too much and the frenzy of the night's activities had exhausted his faculties. A dead and tranquil silence hung in the room. The ambience was that of a tomb except consistently disturbed by the low breathing coming from the bed. A sharp pain rose from a bruise on his face and made its way through the nerves. He needed some medication. With the thought in mind, he slowly limped towards the washroom.
The lights illuminated the spacious and grand washroom. But, the spotless whiteness of it hit Jeremy's eyes as he flinched. Slowly, his pupils dilated making him adjust to the sudden brightness. As vision restored itself he walked towards the mirror, the cold tiles sending piercing sensations through his bare feet. As he stepped in front of the mirror and his reflection appeared, Jeremy stood still in a stunned moment. His hair was dishevelled with a purple bruise on his left eye. His lower lip was cut and swollen, with a thin faded line of clotted blood having made its way from the corner of the lip to his chin. His right cheek had a faint imprint of fingers and there were deep red marks with congealed blood all over his neck. He moved his hand towards his face, tracing the imprint of fingers on his cheek, the slap of the night echoing in his ears, in his nerves, in his soul. A hot tear swelled up in his eye. A choking feeling started building up in his throat. His breathing became forced and deeper. The spacious room seemed claustrophobic now. The emotions in his heart were surging now. They rose in his heart, raging like the waves of the stormy sea, making their way towards the shore. And the tear made is way out of his eyes and down his cheek. The barrier had broken today. The inability to cry had somehow gone away. That one tear marked the beginning of many more as they swelled in his eyes and rushed out. He wept his heart out. He wept for all those endless nights. He wept for himself. He wept for the person looking at him from the mirror, as if saying- "this is because of you." He wept for the mess his life had become. His sobs filled the room. His short paced breathing and hiccups echoed in every corner of that grand spacious equipped room. The tears continued to pour. His heart continued to rage with long controlled emotions. The remaining strength in his legs gave way and he landed on the cold floor, weeping his soul out.
We will hear the masochistic men condemning crying and boasting how tears are effeminate. That crying is for women and men who cry are weak. What they don't realize in the façade of the stereotyped man is the power that tears have. Bottling up one's emotions, trying to be a 'Man', thrusting all emotions down your throat is perhaps a greater weakness. It's the inability to come to terms with your emotions, with yourself. Letting your tears flow gives an outlet to your emotions. Letting yourself cry for that weak moment gives you the strength to fight. It gives you clarity of thought that pent of emotions devoid you of. Crying your heart out infuses in you strength to persist, a new will to aspire, to work for change. The moments of crying may seem those of great weakness and despair. But, as the sobs subside, the tears cease to emerge; you re-gain your vision; only this time the vision is a new one. Jeremy has broken down with tears. He's at the most low in his life at this moment. But, when these tears will stop and his energies will have been spent; he will realize the phoenix that has emerged in him. He will realize the strength that has come in him. He will rise against Jacob. The rise will be gradual, subtle and difficult. There will be moments when he will be thwarted. But those shall not be the end. All barriers will give way. This new- found strength will lead to the final finale- the ultimate confrontation. And with the inherent qualities that Jeremy's character has- this confrontation is just around the corner.
