15 And Life To Go - 5. Chapter 5

Dreams are strange. It seems like before I was locked up this time, I never really remembered anything from the time I dozed off until I woke up. Sure, occasionally a hallucinogenic-fueled semi conscience state would lead me on a helluva ride, but never before had my dreams been this real…. This believable. One moment I was listening to Jeff breathing, and the next we were walking through the streets of Paris hand and hand taking in the sights and sounds, only in my dream we were years older and dressed way differently. Gone were the tattered jeans and tees. We were more refined, even classy maybe. We ended up walking along side of this river with all these awesome buildings which led to the inevitable perfect kiss. I remember reading about this river once, the Seine River, I believe. With Jeff’s head on my shoulder, we sat on the banks just watching the current flow by. The serenity of the moment calmed me to the very core. Glancing down into the waters I seen my reflection, and was confused. The person looking back appeared to be me, but something was off. Looking a little harder, I found the change. I was happy. A gentle smile crossed my face, and my eyes twinkled with an emotion known only to me in stories.

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes on Sunday morning was yet another dream. Forgetting my sleeping arrangement from the night before, the first image to fill my vision was a smiling Jeffery patiently waiting for me to rise from my slumber. Without even worrying about the perils of morning breath, our lips met causing the feelings from my dreams to wash over me like a tidal wave. With Jeff in my arms, I finally got what people meant by never wanting this to end. It wasn’t that I seriously wanted to cuddle up with Jeff for the rest of my life on a cot in the middle of the woods. No, it’s more the feeling that if we end this moment in its perfectness that we may never be able to feel the same way ever again.

“You were so cute in your sleep, Nate.” Jeff said suppressing a giggle. “You were talking and smiling, but you kept repeating ewww da toilet!” I couldn’t help myself from cracking up. Being one that has never left the great state of Illinois unless it was to visit St. Louis, the extent of my French language comes from the writing on the bottles of cheap cologne, ‘eau de toilette’. Explaining this to Jeff was extremely embarrassing but I managed to convince him that I was actually making him swoon in my dream. By the time I finished explaining to Jeff that I had no issues with the commode, but was actually expressing my love for him our laughter had roused up the rest of the cabin from their sleep wondering what the hell all the fuss was about. Demanding an explanation, the other three boys waited for the story while I simply hid underneath the covers.

While Jeff re-told the past half hour to the awaiting audience, I was embarrassed to all get out. Not only was Jeff a natural storyteller, he was so animated with the faces and mock French accent. All he was doing was giving the boys ammunition to embarrass me further in front of God knows who. At least he completely lifted the heavy mood of the previous night. With the story over, and me wishing just to disappear, Brandon was first to act. He swatted Casey on the shoulder asking him why He never gets to watch Casey go to ‘dream Paris’ with him and talk about their dirty outhouses. Casey, without missing a beat spoke in fluent French: “Que mes baisers soient les mots d'amour que je ne te dis pas.” And passionately drew Brandon in for a kiss. We later learned that what he said meant ‘Let my kisses be the words of love that I don’t say.’ With that information, I felt majorly upstaged. I mean, how could I beat a guy that could pull that out of thin air?

“Okay, lovebirds, Valentine’s Day was months ago! Give the single one a break, eh?” Ricky said as he rolled out of bed without even worrying about his morning wood. I guess even gay romance can turn a straight guy on. With a grunt and a scratch, Ricky headed for the door without even bothering to throw anything on over his tented boxers.

Wondering why no one was hassling us to rise and shine, I remembered that it is Sunday, our day of “mandatory worship.” I still have no idea how to go about this. To be honest, I didn’t even give it much thought. Most people seem to have a grasp on spirituality and act if it was simple common sense, but the only time I’ve ever been to church was my grandmother’s funeral. It was so long ago, I hardly even remember it. The bits and pieces I do remember are tarnished by a five year old’s perception on reality. We were in a building that looked like a castle, and everyone seemed to be chanting things in a different language. The priest wore a costume, and there were other people that had costumes on as well. Then there was a lot of standing and kneeling. After a while everyone stood in line to get something to eat, except for me because I was told I was too young. I know now that is the Catholic way of doing things, but I still don’t see how that can help me now.

On the other hand, I am out here in nature, so I’m sure there is something like the monks do, right? They seem like they just meditate to pray, right? Who am I kidding, I’m asking myself questions that I don’t have the answer to. The past couple days have opened my eyes to all kinds of things, and I think I might actually want to take this seriously. There is something about being out here in the middle of nowhere that gets my mind to ponder things a little deeper without much of an interruption. Now, philosophy has never been my strong suit, but how hard can it be? I would ask Jeff’s advice, but I already know he’s a church goer and all. I doubt I’d do well with all the rules and routines. I guess I’ll just have to go out into the trees and fake it ‘til I make it.

Even though I would love to cuddle with Jeff for another hour or two, my stomach is telling me to head to the campfire for some grub. I looked down at Jeff who slipped into slumber once again and knew I had to be the mean one. Gently nudging him awake, I gave him the bad news. Time to get our asses out of bed! All I got out of him was a couple grunts and a cute… I mean evil… scowl. If that was intended to scare me, he did it wrong. I was hoping to have a minute under the covers alone to will away my own morning wood, but Jeff had other ideas. As he pulled his feet to the floor, he wrapped himself in the thin blanket and took it with him leaving me laying there with an obvious predicament. Had I been Ricky, I’d have no qualms with strutting around in all my teenage greatness. Doing my best to act like it was nothing, I hopped up and threw on some jeans. I hope I can find some alone time today. If my balls get any bluer, I swear!

The conversation around the campfire was rather subdued. It seems like the mood from last night has returned. Glancing out at the boys in a circle, it was easy to see where their sideways glances were aimed. Directly at cabin one where all five of its inhabitants peered out the window. I felt bad really. All of this is my fault. If I could have just kept my pecker away from Tony’s brother, none of us would have a target on our backs. Now we are sitting ducks just waiting for the day they all decide to torment us.

With breakfast out of the way, Mark asked if anyone was riding into town for mass at the cathedral. Knowing that now was my chance to either head out or stay behind and figure out my church issue, I made my decision final. I was going to hang back and work out what to do. Jeff was the only taker on heading into town, which was a surprise. I figured at least someone from cabin one would have jumped at the opportunity to get out of lockdown for a couple hours. I am very glad that they didn’t. I’d never be able to look Jeff in the eyes for sending him off alone with a bunch of heathens.

With Mark and Jeff headed into town, Mary sat in the shade while enjoying a book. She must have been really into it too, ‘cause she didn’t even move a muscle as I walked up. After saying her name about ten times and on the verge of giving up she finally noticed me and looked oddly embarrassed. I debated on giving her a hard time for reading a book entitled ‘Steamy Nights’ but she looked uncomfortable enough.

“Mary, I have a question. What am I supposed to do here? I’ve never been to church, and it’s really hard to thank the man upstairs when ninety-nine percent of my life has been shit, excuse the French…” I was met with a chuckle as soon as the words left my mouth. I felt a little mocked. It’s bad enough I don’t really believe in God, now I’m forced to give thanks to someone or something, and I have absolutely no clue how. And for Mary to laugh?!? I have half a mind to walk up to a tree and yell “Thank You!” just to say that I ‘gave thanks’.

“Nathaniel,” she started, “I’m not laughing at you, it’s just… how do I put it? I’ve never actually had one of you guys take the rule serious and actually ask how to do it. It’s a good thing I swear! Now, I can’t really answer your question, that’s all up to you. I do suggest, however, that you take a little walk by yourself. Take one of the paths into the woods, and see where it leads, okay?”

I felt a little better even if all she did was dodge the question. I told her thanks, but not before I asked her if Mark was in for a ‘steamy night’ tonight. She didn’t wait long before she started throwing branches and everything within arm’s reach at me as I ran off laughing. I decided to take her advice and head off into the trees alone with my thoughts

Outside of maybe a sense of peacefulness, my little journey into the woods provided absolutely no answers about spirituality. I’m not even sure why I’m getting so upset about it. It’s probably because I am a sore loser and hate to be told I can’t do something, but whatever the reason, I was failing miserably. Going along with my ‘fake it’ mentality, I decided to go sit up where we had our classes the day before and look out over the water. At least there my mind can wonder a bit.

After two hours of staring aimlessly at the water and thinking about life in general I was no closer to achieving my goal, but at least I was as calm as I ever was. Reluctantly I gave up in my search for the Holy Grail feeling defeated, but I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. If you would have told me a week ago that I would be on a quest to find God just a mere days later, I would have tried to get you committed to the loony bin, but alas! Here I was.

As I walked back to camp, I was trying desperately to rid myself of all this nonsense. I’ve gone this far without God, and what would he want with me anyway. I was born to the streets, raised as a hoodlum, and to top it all off I’m an abomination to boot; practically born of the devil himself. I just wonder what Mark meant when our day of thanks is “strictly enforced.” About halfway back I seen Ricky coming off of a side trail with his blanket and pillow in tow. When asked what was up, he was quick to tell. “I, my friend, just got back from a nice day of worship!” he said with a yawn. His hair was a mess, and he had leaves sticking to his t-shirt. Given the evidence, I surmised the obvious. “Let me guess Ricky, you were off ‘meditating’, eh?” I shot at him with a knowing grin. He just shrugged and skipped along. I guess if it’s good enough for Ricky, its good enough for me. I’ve seriously gotta stop worrying about it.

When I finally strolled back into our cabin Jeff still wasn’t back. That surprised me as I figured they’d only be gone for an hour at most. Brandon and Casey weren’t back either and Ricky was sitting on his bunk writing a letter. Thinking that it was a good idea, I borrowed some paper and a pen:

Dear Katelyn,

Hey Kate! I know you probably don’t want to hear from your little brother right now, but I wanted to let you know how I’m doing. First, I need to apologize. I’m sorry about hitting your hubby, but I hate it when I see bruises on your pretty face. You already know how I feel about that shit. But it’s in the past now, and I’m being punished for it.

I was actually sentenced to prison time from the judge, but the Sheriff in St. Clair County pulled some strings and got me sent to a camp in the middle of nowhere. I know what you’re thinking, why would he help? I guess I’ll have to explain that… Your old tutor Jeff is the sheriff’s grandson, and we were sentenced on the same day in court. We had to spend a few days in the jail, and I got to know him. You’re probably surprised he got into trouble, I know, so was I. Anyways, one thing led to another and he let it be known that YOU never informed me that this adorable boy has had a crush on me ever since he’s seen me. I’ll pay you back for that one later sis!

Long story short, Jeff and I are an item, and I couldn’t be happier. He brings out a whole new side of me, making me act like a little kid when he’s around and shit. Maybe smacking your man upside the head turned out to be a blessing in disguise :p Well, I just wanted to hit you up sis, maybe you can come up and visit sometime? I miss talking to ya.

Love,

Nathaniel

As I was finishing up, I could hear Marks truck driving up the path. Jeff leaped from the truck before it even came to a complete stop. He was exploding with energy as he pretty much bounced to the rear of the truck to unload groceries that they must have picked up after their mass. When I went to lend a helping hand, Jeff barely took breaths in between his sentences. “…and it was a really small church, but the people were nice, and Mark said maybe we could go to the church picnic, and Mark said maybe we could join the youth group, and Mark said….”

I guess I was glad Jeff was really getting into this, which I had no doubt that he wouldn’t, but there was no way I could keep up with him. From the little bit I gathered, Mark convinced Jeff that he may be more comfortable at an Episcopalian church and that they would have a better chance of coercing me to go if even the priest was gay. I have to admit, that is an interesting side note. It wasn’t until Jeff reached the end of his sales pitch that I knew beyond a doubt that there was no avoiding it. Next Sunday I was definitely going to a house of worship, and there would be no stopping me.

“Oh, I almost forgot!” Jeff said, with rather shifty eyes I might add, “One of the guys in the youth group, Brent, said I… um, I mean we should join the choir.” As I looked at Jeff, he wasn’t looking back. Instead, he found something interesting to look at on his shoes. I could feel the heat rising to my face as all forms of reason disappeared and the jealousy and possessiveness took root in my mind. As the wild thoughts ran through my head, I realized I should have known better. I’m a street rat, and Jeff’s a holy-joe. Of course he was going to find an equally pious guy eventually and figure out I was bad news. At least I felt good for about a week. Without even allowing Jeff to explain, I turned on my heels and headed for the hills. I needed to get away for a bit before I did something I would seriously regret.

When I checked over my shoulder, I noticed Jeff wasn’t in pursuit. He still stood by the truck with his shoulders slumped over with a look of pure heartbreak on his face. I wonder if I’m reading too far into this. Honestly, Jeff doesn’t seem like he is capable of hiding anything. But, still… Sure he lusts after me, but love? All of this happened so fast, I didn’t even give myself a chance to weigh the pros and cons of all this. How stupid can I be? There is a reason I’m locked up and constantly on societies black list, and people like him aren’t supposed to associate with the likes of me.

…………..

I must have dozed off. Coming to, I realized that the sky is darkening quickly as night approached. Feeling a small drizzle, I figured I better get back to camp. Somehow while I was locked away in my head I made my way back to the ‘school’ area. I hope I’m not in any trouble, ‘cause I really didn’t tell anyone that I was taking off. What do I tell Jeff? I’m sure he didn’t do anything wrong, really. Am I going to do this every time Jeff talks to someone else? I’ve never been the jealous type but now all the sudden I want to lock him in a room and keep him for myself. Hell, in the past if my partner at the time made eyes at another guy I’d invite him up for a little three-way fun.

With my heart in complete disarray, I made my way back to my temporary home praying that there was hope for me and Jeff yet. The first thing I noticed was a police cruiser in the driveway which made my pulse race for a moment until I heard a familiar voice boom: “Nathaniel my boy, how the hell are ya?” The sheriff lumbered over to me and opted for a bear hug rather than a handshake and looked genuinely happy to see me. “Mark told me that you’ve been nothing but great around here, I guess there is hope for ya yet! Come on over to the fire and keep an old man entertained!” The sheriff commanded rather than invited.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Jeff looking at me with sad eyes. I don’t even know how to approach this subject with him. God, I am so stupid. He’s sitting there worried about what I am thinking because I ran off in the woods. The only reason I ran off was because I was scared of losing him, yet me running would do nothing but push him away. Now I over stepped the line, and can barely get him to look me in the eye. Meanwhile his grandfather was monopolizing all of his time when all I wanted to do is take him somewhere and apologize and admit how much of a dumbass I am. Instead I am sitting twenty feet away just watching, stuck in my head yet again.

After two hours of watching Jeff pretty much ignore me because of my behavior I gave up. Obviously it’s useless trying right now. In a huff worthy of a kindergartener I tromped into the cabin and cuddled up with myself in my bunk. By the time the other boys came in for bed, Jeff still wasn’t with them and they were avoiding me, so they must feel the tension in the air. When Jeff finally did make his way in I tried to say his name, but was quickly stopped when the man I love looked me at me and said “Not now Nate!” and gave me a cold stare before disrobing for the night. That was all it took to open the flood gates. I really stirred the shit-pot this time. First Tony, and now this. Maybe I can make it easy on everyone and send Tony to the hospital and myself to the big house. I know without me here, no-one would have to worry and no-one would be hurt.