15 And Life To Go - 9. Chapter 9

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Both Jeff and I scrambled to put our cloths back on. Jeff looked scared to death and I can’t say I didn’t feel the same way. I know something has been on Tony’s mind since the night I first seen him here, but this was just too much for the confused boy. I just hope what he saw didn’t throw him over the edge like the last time he seen me with another boy. That changed people’s lives forever. I have to talk to him before he goes off and does something incredibly stupid. Voicing my concern to Jeff, I told him I needed to find him so I could talk to him.
“Are you that fucking stupid, Nate? There is something not right with that boy, and I could see it in his eyes just then. If he hurt you, then what? Let him calm down or something, but leave it alone for right now, please?” Jeff pleaded in vein.

“I can’t just run away, babe.” I responded. “Last time I ran from the problem someone close to me almost died. I have to find him and talk him down. I’ll be fine. Besides, he ran towards camp and everyone is there so unless he’s just that stupid, he won’t do anything to me.” Without waiting for a response, I set off towards camp hoping I would catch him before he made it to the campsite. I think I finally get what is going on. Tony must have been harboring feelings for me since we were kids and I just never noticed. Either that or he really feels guilty about what he did to his brother and the sight of me and Jeff together brought all that back up to the surface.

Nearing the clearing I could hear an argument. All I could see was Jack leering at Tony saying something that I couldn’t make out, and Tony in turn screaming expletives at Jack. Jack again said something else to get Tony’s gait and without holding back Tony wailed on Jack with punch after punch. I looked around the grounds for Mark or Mary, but they must have taken a break from us boys because no one was coming to Jack’s rescue. I started making my way over but the other boys beat me to the fight dragging the obvious victor Tony off of the badly beaten Jack. I had a feeling someone was going to hurt, and seeing Jack still lying on the ground made me glad it wasn’t someone that I gave a damn about. As if to strengthen the point I just made to myself, Henry walked over and kicked Jack hard right in the rib. Eric and Blake held Henry back while the rest of my cabin-mates tried to console a frazzled Tony with no luck. Tony simply shrugged everyone away and took off once again for the trees, this time heading for the bluffs. Against my better judgment, I followed.

Being alone in the woods while the sun is setting is spooky enough, but my luck streak continued as I heard thunder off in the distance. Here in the Midwest a simple thunderstorm could get ugly really fast this time of year. The wind is beginning to pick up as I reach the top of the bluffs barely being able to make out Tony’s figure standing over the lake below. I wish I knew what was going on through his head right now. For all I know he is preparing to leap off. Trying my best not to spook the already fragile boy I slowly approached him from the side and sat with my legs over the edge. I didn’t say anything to Tony, figuring it would be best if I just let him talk when he was ready.

“I’m not gonna jump, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Tony said, although I’m not sure who he was trying to convince. When I looked back up at him you could tell he’d been crying, and the inner conflict was driving him absolutely mad. “You know, Nate? I never meant to cause everything that I did back then.” He continued. “Karl was my little brother, you know? I always thought that we were close friends and Karl followed us around. Then that after that day we were at the warehouse you just quit talking to me, and so did Karl. I didn’t know what I did to piss off my best friend, you know? I always looked up to you Nate. I had to smoke to be cool, act tough to be cool, and you? Well, you just were cool. Made friends with everyone with no effort at all.

“Then I came home one day and heard you guys talking in his room. You guys were planning on how to avoid me. I was so confused and jealous. Especially when I found out, you know? Karl stabbed me in the back. He knew I had a crush on your ass way before you guys dated. That’s why he wouldn’t let me around you. He wanted you all to himself. I should have never played that tape, but I wanted to embarrass him. Dad was never supposed to see it. I thought he’d be passed out all night but all the noise woke him up and he saw. Then you ran away for good, Karl was seriously fucked up for life, and my dad goes off to prison just to get killed for what he did. I caused all that. I wanted nothing more than to walk up to you and tell you everything, but I was so scared. Then I saw you in my house one night calling out for my father, but he had already been arrested. I waited in my bed hoping that if you saw me defenseless you wouldn’t kick the shit out of me before I could explain but we both know how that ended. I deserved it, though. Karl is still fucked up. He doesn’t remember any of it, thank God, but then again he doesn’t even know who we are or his own damn name.”

“I was finally ready to tell you all of this, not necessarily to try to get with you, because I definitely don’t deserve that, and I wouldn’t do that to Jeff, but when I saw you two together in the woods it brought everything right back to me. So, no. I’m not gonna jump. That would be the coward’s way out. I need to take my punishment like a man. God sent me here to witness all this, and that I’m sure of. Now I’ll probably be sent back to the joint for fucking up Jack’s face. He had it coming.”

Finished with his confession, Tony sat next to me and let the tears flow. I finally had all the answers for what happened that fateful night and nothing was what it seemed. There were so many things that Tony said that threw my head deep into confusion and completely destroyed everything I thought I knew about the boy. It all made perfect sense now. Without knowing what else to do I drew Tony into a hug. I couldn’t give him anything more, but all he needed was a little brotherly affection and that I could offer. I thought my mental wounds were still wide open and here Tony is carrying the weight of the entire world on his conscience.

“Tony? Why don’t we just start over? What’s done is done, and can’t be changed, and you walking around like a guilty zombie isn’t going to help anybody. We’ve been given a chance to change here, and so far it’s been working for me. It might as well work for you too. Just wake up each day and, I don’t know, aim to help as many people as you can. It sounds corny, but you have a lot of shit to atone for. Corny might just work. Everyone might not trust you right now, but they will in time. As far as the whole Jack ordeal, let me see if I can work that one out. Come on, bro. Let’s head back before we get drenched from the rain.” As soon as I stopped talking, the sky above us exploded and raindrops that seemed as big as baseballs started falling on us. It didn’t take much more motivation to get Tony off his ass and running back with me to camp.

When we arrived at the cabins the rest of the guys were in their respective cabins. I told Tony to join me in cabin two for fear of leaving him alone with Jack in his own cabin. As soon as I walked in I was first smacked right across the face then brought into an embrace by Jeff, who didn’t even need to tell me that he was pissed at me for racing off in the dark to find Tony. When everyone else saw Tony follow me into the cabin all conversation ceased and all eyes were on him. I pleaded with everyone to just leave him be, but Tony shushed me as he proceeded to tell everyone everything he told me up on top of the bluffs. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place by the time he was through. I don’t think anybody really knew how to respond to such a story. It’s almost like we are all to selfish wrapped up in ourselves that we forget that everyone here has an equally horrible story.

“Aye, mate, we’re all here for ya. Can’t say much ‘bout what happened, but at least we understand now. Pull up a spot and let’s all forget about all this shit!” Ricky exclaimed, breaking the much awkward silence surrounding us. Everyone else, including myself, nodded in agreement bringing a stroppy smile across Tony’s face amid the tears still flowing from his eyes.

Before I could join in the group discussion, my mind had other plans. My thoughts drifted off making me see that entire year in a whole new light. I remember seeing Tony, and I had always thought he was parading himself around carefree while his pops was in jail and Karl was in the hospital, but he wasn’t strutting around in front of me. He was coming around me but too scared to approach me. When I marched into his room with my baseball bat he was awake and aware. He seen every blow coming at him, which means he heard every word I said, and more than likely they are on constant repeat in his brain to this very day. I was the boy he fell for and in the end I was the one that was aiming to maim him. The things he said made me think, too. I mean, hell, he thought I was the ‘cool’ one in the group. Little did I know Tony had an inferiority complex and had me held up on a pedestal. Ironic as it is, I wanted to be like him, and him like me, with us both being fucked up in the end.

“…What do you think about that, babe?” I heard Jeff inquire. The look on my face must have told tales because everyone in the group busted a gut at my expense. Looking around I realized that I must have been in la-la-land for a lot longer than I expected. I had no clue what we were talking about or even how I ended up on the other side of the cabin sitting in a circle with the rest of the guys. Of course I got a few “Earth to Nate!” jokes before Brandon told me his master plan, assuming that we could keep Tony out of trouble for busting up Jack’s face. So far Tony doesn’t have an assignment for our band, but apparently he has a knack for writing, and more-so songs apparently. While I was in my waking-coma state, he taught the guys how one of his songs about his past is sung and everyone agreed that it had to be on our set list. Casey soloed it for me to bring me up to speed, and I couldn’t believe the feeling that poured out of the lyrics causing me to feel the emotions that Tony had bottled up the entire time. Like everything else having to do with this band so far, it was a perfect fit. Tony, who all the sudden became bashful, was overwhelmed when I in particular began singing its praises.

“You know what Tony? I think you found your mark. Remember what we talked about on the bluffs about waking up each day? You share this with the world, you’ll feel a lot better about things. Just think about it, you write it, we sing it, and everyone feels it, ya’ know?” I told the now blushing Tony. For the first time since we were little kids a genuine smile crossed his lips as he thanked all of us for simply listening to him, and for the first time since we were little kids I felt like I could trust him.

Not long before we were to receive the lights out order there was a knock at the door. We were all so wrapped up in trying to make Tony feel better that we had forgotten all about figuring out a way to get Mark to keep him here after he tore into Jack. As Mark stepped into the room we knew by the look on his face that any amount of begging wouldn’t help Tony’s cause. It made me think about that gas clerk when I first got here telling me that once Mark gives up on you that it’s over, and Mark definitely looked like he was at the end of his rope with Tony.

“Boys, I know something went on tonight between Tony and Jack and this is the second time in a week. We had a deal, and we couldn’t even last two days?!?” Mark was already yelling by now. “Jack is lying in his bunk completely disfigured. Give me one good reason Tony. One DAMN good reason why you shouldn’t be leaving here in handcuffs tonight!”

Tony just hung his head in defeat. “I’m sorry sir. I deserve to go back. I should have never been sent here in the first place. Everything I do I screw up.” He couldn’t even muster up the courage to give any reason for his actions. All the confidence and unprofessional therapy we just gave him went out the window in an instant.

“Wait just one damn minute you fucking twat!” Ricky was up and ready to pounce. “We sat here and listened to you for the past two hours of every damn thing that lead you here and I thought we finally got it through to you that it’s a new fucking day tomorrow and you won’t even try to fight to see another day? Hell no. Mark, he’s staying with us or you can send me too. I’ll walk over there and punch Jack around myself to give you reason. God knows I want to!”

Mark was visibly shaken by Ricky’s declaration. In a show of power, Casey grabbed Brandon’s hand and they both stood next to Ricky without saying a word. The action itself was enough. By this time Mark knew what was up, but he looked at me and Jeff getting the same result. All five of us stood in solidarity for Tony. Mark simply placed his head in his hands and mumbled something. If I heard him correct, he said “Holy shit, nine against one…” Throwing his hands in the air Mark admitted defeat and walked out of the cabin stunned.

Declaring victory, we all hooted and hollered while showering Tony with brotherly hugs. He even got sandwiched in cheek kisses from Casey and Brandon causing his face to go all rosy red. I bet he’ll have sweet dreams after that. It was decided that cabin two was officially adopting Tony while Jack is still here in cabin one making him the sixth member. The only obvious solution to the sleeping issue was putting him in my bunk while I shared with Jeff. Fair is fair, right? Can’t have him sleeping on the floor. I braced myself for the rain as I was the one elected to retrieve Tony’s personal effects from the other cabin. We wanted to send Ricky, but we knew that he’d be on his way to the state pen if things went south.

Dashing across the campgrounds I lurched into the cabin already soaked from head to toe. Eric, Blake, and Henry came at me all at once wanting to know Tony’s fate. I quietly told them what went down because I didn’t want Jack to hear what was going on. As much as I wanted to put it in his face that the entire camp stuck up for Tony, I didn’t want to fan the flames of the entire ordeal. Instead, I led Jack to believe that I was collecting Tony’s belongings because he was being permanently moved, but to where I couldn’t say. For all he knew, Tony was indeed getting sent up state to the lockdown facility.

As I gathered up what I could of Tony’s, Jack sneered at me with his now even uglier as face and told me that we better watch our faggot asses unless we want to get sent to hell even quicker. His remark sent shivers down my spine. The look in his eyes told me that he is dead serious and wasn’t afraid to prove a point. I hastened my efforts and headed for the door. Before I could walk out, though, Henry walked over to me to send the man of the hour a message. He told me to tell Tony that they all missed him already, and that they are really glad he was staying. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was mainly Henry that was glad Tony was staying. I wonder if Tony even realized that he had a secret admirer over here the entire time!

Dashing back into the rain with my arms full I made my way back to cabin two. Everyone except Jeff was already deep into sleep, including Tony, who I found out was a loud ass snorer. Oh well, we can’t all be perfect. After I set Tony’s stuff aside, I climbed into bed with my one and only. I told him that I loved him, and that we all have to watch our asses because Jack was out for blood now. Almost like he could read my mind, Jeff wrapped me up in a protective cuddle and held me close as we both slipped into slumber. A sleep that was to be haunted with visions of Jack’s evil ways and premonitions scary enough for me to remember the rest of my life.