Camping Can Be Fun - 11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I had to take some alone time to calm down, so I went off again on one of my wanders while Steven went off to collect his car. I had Karl onside which was a start. I understood why Adam felt the way he did, but that didn’t help me any. What did he expect me to do? Cut Steven out of my life? Shit! Maybe that is what he wanted me to do. Could I do that? I don’t think I could; especially now when I felt we needed each other more than ever. I had to admit, though, if that is indeed what he wanted me to do it wasn’t such an unreasonable request. I’d already proven that I couldn’t be trusted around Steven. I had fucked this right up. I felt ashamed for my actions. I had a lot of begging to do and a lot of promises to make.

I eventually went looking for Adam again, but he wasn’t in the field, he was back at camp. When I got there his tent was packed away, and my clothes were in a plastic bag. He was helping Joey dismantle his tent now. Karl was being stubborn and sat outside his own tent, making no attempt to pack at all.

“What are you doing?” I asked Adam.

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Please don’t do this. I don’t want you to leave.”

“Well I don’t want you to keep getting off with others guys,” he replied throwing one of the tent poles on the ground, much more dramatically than was necessary.

“Adam please, what can I do to make this right?” I pleaded.

“You can’t make this right.”

“Adam please, it was just a kiss, it’s not going to happen again.”

He started laughing. And stopped what he was doing. His whole demeanour was very manic.

“You don’t get it do you? This isn’t about you kissing someone. I could forgive you for that, hell at least you were honest with me. It’s the fact that it’s him! From the moment you told me you had feelings for him I knew this would be a problem. At first I told myself it would be ok, that he wasn’t really a threat, but now he’s gay and he loves you back. You two have known each other for years; you have loved each other for years. I’m so far out of the picture you can’t even see me.”

“You’re wrong. I love you; I want to be with you.”

“Then why did you kiss him…AGAIN! Why did I catch you all over each other in the field?”

“I don’t know why I kissed him, maybe because I’m an idiot. And I don’t care what it looked like, what you saw in the field was innocent. We’re just friends.”

“Well there’s your problem. I don’t want you to be friends with him anymore. If you truly want to be with me over Steven, then I want you to cut him out of the picture altogether.”

“How can you ask me to do that?”

“It’s the only way I could trust you.”

“Well I’m sorry, I can’t, and I won’t.”

“Then there’s nothing more to talk about. We’re over. I hope that you and Steven will be very happy together.”

I started filling up again. He made me hurt so badly, but I wasn’t going to cry again, I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. He was taking this too far and he was insulting me as well as dumping me.

“How fucking dare you! You honestly think that because you’re splitting up with me that I’m going to jump into bed with Steven? You really must have a low opinion of me. Steven is my friend, and that’s all I want him to be. Don’t try to make me out to be some dirty little slut that jumps into the next bed he can. God Adam, you really are a horrible bastard when you want to be. If you want to drive off out of my life forever then go. That’s your choice not mine. But I have no intention of replacing you anytime soon. Our short time together obviously meant more to me than you’ve bothered to give me credit for.”

Adam stood before me visibly shaking. I couldn’t tell if it was anger or just raw emotion. But he didn’t say anything. He stood his ground. As I waited for a response, I silently prayed for him to tell me that he loved me, that he wasn’t going to leave me, that we could work this out, but there was nothing. He just stared me down. I was about to crack… I couldn’t hold myself together anymore.

“For fuck’s sake Adam, listen to him!” shouted Karl from nowhere.

“Stay out of it Karl,” shot back Joey. “It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“Who are you kidding? I’m not going to sit back and watch my best friend make a huge mistake. A mistake he may just regret for the rest of his life.”

“Don’t be so fucking melodramatic. They barely know each other,”said Joey.

Something about what Karl said stirred something in Adam. His features softened a little. I could suddenly see some hope there.

“Joey’s right, I barely know you,” said Adam.

“If you walk away now, you never will,” I replied, moving closer to him.

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” he countered.

What he was saying hurt me, but it lacked the punch behind his last insults. He was calmer. This was my opportunity.

“Can I talk to you alone?” I asked awkwardly, as I moved in even closer.

“What have you got to say that you can’t say in front of everyone?”

“Nothing,” I said, now right in front of him.

“Then what’s the point?” he asked becoming irritated.

“I don’t want everyone to see what I’m about to do.”

“And what are you…”

I kissed him before he could finish his question. It was an angry kiss. I thought for a moment that he was going to force me away again, but he didn’t. The kiss kept going. It was rough, almost violent. He grabbed hold of my t-shirt, tight with both hands and pulled me in close. I clutched his face tight as our kiss went on and on, increasing in intensity. We held that kiss for an unnatural amount of time. When we broke apart, we stared at each other out of breath. Neither of us smiled. We were both still angry, but we both knew that it wasn’t the end. The magnetism between us was too strong for it to end like this. I began to feel awkward sharing this private moment with Karl and Joey, but when I looked around for them they had gone. Adam noticed they were missing too.

“How long were we kissing?” I asked him sheepishly.

“Long enough for them to take a hint I guess. I really wish I hadn’t taken down my tent.”

“Why?”

“Because I really want to fuck you right now.”

I was a bit surprised by his bluntness.

“Does that mean…?”

“I’m horny as fuck? Yes it does.”

“And what about us?” I pressed. I needed to hear him say it.

“I’m still pissed off. But then I think about last night in the shower and, like I said, I want to fuck your brains out.”

I started to blush. I wasn’t used to him speaking like this. I found it both embarrassing and arousing, not to mention downright confusing. Our relationship was becoming somewhat bipolar.

“My tent is just over there.” I gestured with my head.

“Then what are we waiting for,” he replied leading the way.

I followed him. He looked like he was marching into a fight rather than preparing for sex. He unzipped my tent and waited for me, gesturing that I should go first. I ducked down to enter and he literally threw me in. He followed right behind me and dived on me, kissing me forcefully. When we broke the kiss he started pulling his clothes off at speed.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard,” he told me.

I quickly followed his lead and shed my clothes as quickly as possible. I sat up to kiss him again, but he threw me down.

“On your knees!” he growled huskily.

I did as I was told, becoming increasingly turned on by his domineering attitude. I turned round and got on all fours. I heard him spit into his hand and he started to lube up my eager hole. He repeated this a couple of times until he was satisfied and then he just entered me. No warning, no sweet nothings whispered in my ear, he just full on forced his dick inside me.

“Ahhhhhh,” I moaned amidst the pain. “Jesus Adam!”

He took the hint and waited for me to get my breath back.

“Ok,” I told him and he started to fuck me slow, but hard. He made sure his full dick was inside me with each thrust.

This wasn’t like our previous encounter; this was a more primal desire manifesting itself. We were still both angry, but we wanted each other’s bodies. It was an intense feeling. He didn’t give me any time to adjust or to let those “nice” feelings build up inside me. It was very raw, hard and fast, but it still felt hot. He was the only person that I would let do this to me and I was so grateful to be in the middle of this with him, especially when ten minutes ago I thought he was about to walk out of my life forever.

He came suddenly, unexpectedly and quite ferociously inside me, digging his nails into my back and making guttural sounds. After he was done he pulled out of me and lay on his back with his eyes closed. His brow was glazed with sweat and his hair stuck out at odd angles, some strands were even stuck to his forehead. He was still panting heavily. I lay beside him.

“Adam?”

“Mmmm?”

“I really am sorry.”

“Me too,” he replied, getting his breath back. “I said some pretty shitty things. I didn’t mean what I said about the river. I might not like you two together, but I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him.”

He leant over and kissed me passionately. Then I felt his hand grasp my still rock hard cock. I hadn’t been “satisfied” yet.

“What are we going to do about this then?” he asked me with a smirk and a growl in his voice.

I didn’t get time to answer. His lips were around my cock before I could reply. He made me shiver upon first contact. He made me cum in about two minutes.

He made a joke about how it was a good thing that he’d fucked me this time if that’s as long as I could last.

“So we’re back together?” I asked him whilst getting dressed.

“I’m not sure,” he replied rather solemnly.

“But we just…”

“Made love,” he cut me off. “And that’s because I am in love with you Dan, but that goes against all my better judgment. I need you to prove that you’re not going to be tempted by Steven, and to do that I think we need to take a break.”

“A break? We only just met!”

“And Steven has only just become an option to you. You need to sort your head out. We both need time to think.”

I looked at him in disbelief.

“So much for make-up sex,” I said with a pout.

“Hey…” He took me by the hands. “You need to trust me with this. A little time apart for us both to settle down will be good. We have sort of jumped into this head first. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes in the past. If this works, then it will only make us stronger. If it doesn’t then we know it wasn’t meant to be. One month.”

“A month?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“It sounds like you’re still getting rid of me.”

“Well as I said you need to trust me. This is something I want to do. If in a month’s time, after all our hormones and feelings have had time to settle down, we still feel the same about each other then we know it’s legit. Do you trust me?”

I didn’t answer.

“Do you trust me Dan?”

“Yes I trust you.”

“Then it’s decided. You have my permission to do what you need to do.”

“What does that mean?” I questioned.

“Don’t make me spell it out,” he said screwing his face up.

I finished pulling my trainers on in anger. “Argghhh, you’re at it again, assuming that I’m going to jump into bed with him as soon as you go.”

“I’m not. I’m just saying that for the next month I want you to get things out of your system. If that means trying things with Steven then so be it.”

“Oh shut up Adam, you’re going to get me wound up again.”

“Fine... Where do you live?”

“What?” He'd caught me off guard with the question.

“Where do you live so that I can meet you in a month?” he repeated.

“God, we don’t even know where the other lives,” I said disheartened

I was starting to get the big picture. Maybe he was right about the time apart. In the space of a couple of days we’d managed to create the illusion of being perfect for each other. It made me feel a bit immature thinking about it.

“I’m from Concord.”

“Really? Wow, we’re closer than I thought. I live in Manchester. What’s up now?” he asked, noticing how downhearted I was.

“It’s just hit me how little we know about each other.”

“Just think about how much fun we’ll have getting to know each other.” He smiled at me. “I’ve got an idea, why don’t we write to each other for the month?”

“Write to each other?” I asked dubiously.

“Yeah, I always thought it was more personal.”

“Sure, I could write to you. I’ll need your address.”

“I’ll give it to you before I leave.”

“You’re still leaving today?”

“I think it’s for the best. I don’t want to stick around for something else to go wrong. I think Steven would probably like to go home too. He’s had a rough day.”

“Please don’t hate him.”

“I don’t hate him. I mean who could blame him for wanting to be with you.”

He made me smile.

“Maybe one day we’ll all laugh about this over a drink somewhere. Hopefully you and I will be together and there won’t be any of this shit to deal with. I really do love you, you know?”

“I love you too. I guess I best go and pack too then.”

Steven arrived in his car as I was halfway through dismantling my tent.

“I take it everyone is leaving?” he asked.

“Yep.”

“What about you and Adam?”

“It’s complicated. He gave me his permission to…it doesn’t matter; we’re on a break apparently. We’ve made up, but we’re going to leave things for a while and meet up again in a month after everything has calmed down a bit. We’ll take it from there I guess.”

“Is that what you want?”

“No, but I don’t have a choice. That’s the way he wants to do things. I’m just going to have to wait. Anyway, I assumed you would want to get back home too. You’ve had a tough couple of days.”

“Yeah, it would be nice to lie on a proper bed… Look Dan, I just want you to know how sorry I am for all this. Everything I’ve done to you… I’m ashamed of myself for it. I don’t know why you’re still my friend, but I’m so grateful for it. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He put out his hand for me to shake. I looked at him like he was some sort of alien.

“Come here you idiot.” I pulled him in for a tight hug. “You’re my best friend. I would never desert you. You need to forget about the bad stuff that’s happened here. It’s in the past. Let’s focus on the future. Now get packing, it would be nice to get home before dark.”

We packed away our stuff in relative silence and soon we were looking at the flattened grass where our tents once stood. Adams pitch was completely clear too, and it all just hit me. It was over. My crazy camping adventure with Adam was coming to an end. Crazy wasn’t the word. I’d experienced both the happiest and worst moments of my life on this trip. I had come here expecting the whole thing to be shit and parts of it were, but some parts were really fucking amazing. I learned that, depending on whose tent you’re sleeping in, camping can be really fun. Just how much fun depends on how much you enjoy stargazing and long showers. On the downside if your best friend is a closet case nut job, who also happens to be in love with you, some altercations can arise.

This trip had changed my life. I was leaving here feeling much more like an adult than I did when I arrived. Growing up is stressful, especially if you’re gay! My advice is to follow your heart and be true to yourself, if you can’t do that then what do you have? Loneliness? Disappointment? Sure you may take my advice and still end up lonely and disappointed, but at least there’s no what ifs.

I made my way over to Adam’s car. Adam, Karl and Joey stood outside waiting for me. Everything looked very final. I already felt tearful.

“So… I guess this is goodbye then…” I said, feeling awkward and quite sad.

“I hope not,” said Adam. “More like see you later.”

“I fucking hate goodbyes, so I’m just getting this over with,” blurted out Karl before wrapping his arms around me. “It’s been nice meeting you man. I hope you two can work this out and I can get to know you better. You’re a cool guy.” He gave me a kiss on the cheek. And a quick nod. “Shotgun!” he shouted, before grabbing the front passenger seat of Adams car.

“Karl…I’m supposed to be in the front going back… dick!” shouted Joey. He looked back at me sternly. “Look this is hard for me because you two have been fighting, but before that I liked you. You’re a nice guy and I appreciated our talk the other day. Please just don’t fuck my brother around.”

“Joey!” Adam scolded.

“Alright, alright, I hope everything works out for you both. Come here man.” Joey also pulled me in for a hug. “I mean it,” he whispered in my ear. “Don't fuck him around.”

He made me smile.

Joey reluctantly climbed in the back seat and left me and Adam to say our goodbyes as he began arguing with Karl.

Adam handed me the stuff I’d left in his tent and a folded piece of paper. “My address is on there. I’ve decided I don’t want yours. I want the ball to be completely in your court. When I drive away from here I won’t be able to contact you, it will be completely up to you. If you change your mind, you never have to speak to me again.”

“Bit dramatic,”I teased.

“Do you expect anything less when it comes to us?” he said with a smile. “Don’t read it till I’ve gone. There’s a message there too.”

“Ok…”

“Ok…” he agreed.

“So this is it then?”

“I guess so…”

We both sort of stumbled our way into an awkward hug, but when we held each other all the awkwardness just melted away.

“I’m going to miss you,” I told him.

“Me too,” he said.

We let go and he gave me a quick peck on the lips. It was fleeting…careful.

“See you later Dan?” he asked.

“Definitely.”

He smiled and turned to get in his car. I instantly unfolded the paper and read.

Dear Dan,

This is hard for me because I don’t know if this is going to be the end for us. I say that with a heavy heart. A heart that, until you came into my life, was empty and broken. You have ignited something in me that I thought was gone forever. I’d convinced myself that I was never destined to find love; that it didn’t really exist and if it did I would never know what it felt like.

These past few days have given me a taste of what I can only describe as true love. It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before. You make me breathe deeper, you make me smile wider and you make me feel happier than anyone has ever made me feel. I’ve only known you three days and you have changed me as a person. If you feel in anyway like me I would be honoured to spend all the time you want to give me getting to know you. If you let me, I promise you I will try every day to make you as happy as you have made me feel.

Meeting you has changed my life for the better regardless of your decision, because now I know you exist and even if I can’t be with you forever I can always cherish the wonderful moments we’ve shared. I love you Daniel Smyth and I will never forget you. X

P.S. I’m so glad I brought that mallet with me.

I laughed just as my tear hit the paper. I heard the car door close with a thud and the engine start.

“Adam!” I shouted, another tear rolling down my cheek.

He looked up at me through the open window. I motioned for him to come back over. He turned off the ignition, got out and came running back over to me. I put my arms out to embrace him whilst still holding his letter. We shared a kiss filled with love, passion and a healthy amount of both our tears. Then we heard the sound of Adam’s car horn and looked over to see Karl blowing kisses out of the open window and Joey French kissing against his back window. We both laughed through our tears.

“I’m going to write to you as soon as I get home,” I told him.

“I look forward to your correspondence.”

We both laughed again.

“Right, fuck off, before I tie you up or something to stop you leaving,” I said. I half meant it too. The longer we prolonged it the harder it was to truly say goodbye.

“Right!” he said and he kissed me again. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now go.”

He got back in his car, started her up and paused to look at me one last time. He was unashamedly crying now, as was I. He lifted his hand to wave one last time and then he pulled out. I watched his car slowly disappear into the distance, over a slight hill and out of sight. I collapsed to my knees and sobbed my heart out as quietly as I could. Steven’s hand soon found my shoulder and I grabbed onto him for support.

The car journey home was just plain sad. I wasn’t crying anymore, but you could tell there was only one thing on my mind. Steven put the radio on to try and break the tension, but the second song in was “Don’t Look Back in Anger” and that only set me off again. By the time Steven pulled up outside my house my sorrow had completely drained me of energy. We shared a half-hearted goodbye and I could see he was disappointed, but, as selfish as it sounds, I just didn’t care right now.

I got into my house, shouted to my mum that I was home and ran upstairs. I shut myself in my room and threw myself onto the bed. I took out his letter and read it over and over again. I was already exhausted and the repetitiveness of this action soon took me off to sleep.

I woke up the next day tucked up in bed and the letter on my bedside table. Had I put it there? I looked around my room and noticed my bedroom door slightly ajar. I had definitely closed that when I had come in last night. Tucked in? Bedroom door not closed? These were tell-tale signs of my mum checking up on me. She had almost definitely read my letter!