Standing at Crossroads - 3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

“You have come at the right moment, my son,” Jay’s father said as he

hugged Ryan, “Jay’s marriage has just been finalized for next week.”

Ryan searched for an explanation in Jay’s eyes but when he didn’t find

any, his puzzled expression turned into one of hurt.

 

“Won’t you introduce us to your friend, Jay?” Arjun asked.

 

“Yeah, this is Ryan, my…best friend. We have been sharing the same

apartment for three years. And Ryan, this is my elder brother, Arjun, my

sister-in-law Divya, my sister Komal, my mom, my dad and this is

Maya, my…fiancée,” Jay said as he refused to meet Ryan’s questioning

gaze.

 

“Why don’t you freshen up, Ryan? Dinner will be starting soon,” Jay’s

mother said good-naturedly.

 

“Come, I’ll show you to my room,” Jay volunteered. He just hoped that

he would be able to explain himself though he didn’t know what to say.

Ryan’s disillusioned expression was still in his mind. How could he do

that to him?

 

“Congratulations Jay!” Ryan said in a voice quite unlike his usual voice

as soon as the bedroom door closed behind them. Jay didn’t know if it

was because of the sarcasm dripping from the words or because the tone

was filled with anger and pain.

 

“Ryan…” Jay started but was stopped.

 

“Four fucking days I have been away from you. I was in agony there,

thinking about you every second. I left everything there to come to you.

And what do I see? You are engaged to that bitch! You’re getting

married next week. You hadn’t even thought of informing me,” he

snapped vehemently. At least the door was closed. Jay didn’t want

anyone to hear Ryan.

 

“Ryan…”

 

“Why Jay? Why? Why would you do this to me? Wasn’t I good enough

for you? Didn’t I support you at every step? Didn’t I help you when you

had difficulties? Didn’t I love you enough? Or wasn’t I good enough for

you in your bed? Tell me Jay!” he almost shouted as he broke down in

tears, “How could you do this to me?”

 

Jay had never seen Ryan in this state before. He was usually composed

and calm. But Jay knew that when it came to their relationship, Ryan felt

very insecure, despite his numerous efforts. Now, he had a reason to feel

insecure. Jay wanted to tell him how helpless he was but no excuse

could be good enough. He had hurt Ryan deeply. As he saw him

completely shattered, he wanted to hold him. But did he have any right

now?

 

Someone knocked at the door. Did someone overhear them? Fear

flashed through him. Ryan hurriedly moved into the bathroom to wash

his face. Jay opened the door only to find Komal.

 

“Jay, mom is calling both of you. Dinner will shortly be served,” she

said.

 

“Yeah, we’ll be coming in a minute.”

 

Ryan came out of the bathroom as Komal left. Jay wanted to explain

everything to Ryan but he wondered if he would be ready to hear him.

Every time before, Ryan had been at his side, but now? It would be

really unfair to expect him to support Jay. He had broken his heart, his

trust… he had broken Ryan, for God’s sake!

 

“Ryan…” Jay started but he was once again cut short as Ryan spoke.

 

“They are waiting for us. I think we should be going.”

 

Dinner was quite uneventful but nightmarish for Jay. As was expected,

they mostly talked of Jay’s and Maya’s upcoming marriage. Jay kept his

eyes fixed on his plate and barely talked. He couldn’t look Ryan in the

eyes. He was ashamed. Ryan was trying to mix himself in with Jay’s

family as he joined the conversation as much as he could. He never

showed his grief to the others. Jay knew he had greatly fallen in Ryan’s

esteem. And this hurt.

 

“Dinner is over, so what is the plan now?” Divya asked.

 

“Why don’t we play Antakshari?” Komal suggested, “We’re all here and

the atmosphere is quite festive. It has been a long time since we’ve

played it.”

 

“What is Antakshari?” Ryan asked meekly.

 

“It’s game where you have to sing a song. Don’t worry. It’s very easy.

For the moment, everyone sit so as to form a circle,” Komal said as

everyone got up and rearranged themselves as she said, “Now, I’ll place

this bottle in the middle and spin it. Whichever person it points to must

sing a song that they’ll be asked.”

 

So the bottle, which was now empty of its wine, was set to spining and

its head stopped at Ryan.

 

“I don’t know what to sing,” Ryan said defensively.

 

“Let me think of an easy one,” Arjun said who was sitting next to Ryan

as he pondered for a few second, “okay, sing any Hindi song for us.

Anyone you know.”

 

Jay was really fond of Hindi songs and often listened to then. When

Ryan and Jay started living together, Ryan learnt a bit of Hindi too, for

Jay’s sake, and listened to quite a number of Hindi songs.

 

“Okay,” Ryan said quietly with a strange seriousness in his voice. Then

his voice filled the room. The accent was obvious but the pronunciation

and wordings were perfect.

 

Meri mohabbat yaad karoge (You’ll remember my love)

Ro-oge faryad karoge (You’ll cry, you’ll plead)

Meri mohabbat (My love)

Mujhko to barbad kiya hain (You have ruined me)

Aur kisse barbad karoge (who will you ruin now?)

Ro-oge faryad karoge (You’ll cry, you’ll plead)

Meri mohabbat (My love)

Kaise bhoolo ge tum mujhko (How will you forget me?)

Yaad mere bad mujhko karoge (You’ll remember me after I’ll go)

Ro-oge faryad karoge (You’ll cry, you’ll plead)

Meri mohabbat (My love)

Silence applauded this intense song. Ryan, who had watched Jay

throughout the song, dropped his head and stared at his empty lap. Jay

knew that he was fighting against tears. Seeing Ryan in such pain, he felt

as if thousands of needles were pricking his heart. He suddenly

understood what a thousand deaths a second meant. It wasn’t because

his life was being tied to someone else or that he was on the verge of

losing his identity, it was because Ryan was hurt and he was the reason.

Heck, he was so helpless: he couldn’t even comfort his boyfriend.

 

“That was very deep and unexpected,” Divya said when the silence had

become tense, “You’re an amazing singer, Ryan. You should try in

Bollywood. You can start a new craze with an occidental-oriental fusion.

But as for our Antakshari, let’s see who’s the next on the list.”

 

But before the bottle could be spun, Jay got up. Ryan’s eyes shot up

immediately and stared at him. There was a flicker of hope in them

which was instantly doused after Jay spoke.

 

“I’m feeling quite tired. I think I’ll go to bed,” he said before seeking

refuge in his room.

 

He had barely lain on the bed when Ryan entered. Without even

bothering to switch on the light, he changed his clothes and went to bed

too. Both young men laid next to each other lost in their thoughts. It

would have been a good opportunity for Jay to talk to Ryan but he

decided against it. He himself was lost and how could he help to support

Ryan? First of all, he had to clear his thoughts. The lives of many rested

on his decision.

 

-*-*-*-

 

Jay sat on a huge boulder and contemplated the scene in front of him. It

was the ruin of what had once been a beautiful house. The roof had long

ago caved in, making it vulnerable to attacks from rain and dry leaves. It

had changed since his last visit. The eastern walls, which a few years

ago stood proud and tall, were now reduced to a heap of bricks lying on

the floor. He wondered how he had forgotten about this place. He used

to come here a lot when he was younger, especially when facing

dilemmas. It was his secret place where he sought refuge to think. Very

few people came here and there was this calm and serene atmosphere

here, which always pleased him.

 

Many said that a very sad tale lay beneath these ruins. It is believed that,

decades ago, a young man built this house for the one he loved. He had

built it to prove his independence and to gain the consent of her parents.

The day they were married and were supposed to come to the house to

live, they met with an accident and both lovers passed away. The house

is still considered a symbol of true love by the locals and no one ever

tried to destroy it. As time went by, the house gave in to the weather but

everyone could still feel the love engraved in the bricks.

 

Jay stared at this wrecked house and wondered if this was the future of

his dreams, his family, his love… All this seemed so surreal. A few days

ago, he was living happily with Ryan and now, it all was disappearing.

Every time he thought it would get better, it just worsened. It seemed as

if he was holding a handful of sand; the tighter he held, the more it

slipped away.

 

He always asked himself what caused this disaster or who was

responsible for this. Only one answer came - himself! Yes, he was the

one to blame for these complications. Had he been more decisive and

brave in the beginning, he would have never seen this day. But the truth

was that he remained a coward. Yes, he was a coward.

 

Perhaps if he had come out before going abroad, he might not have

faced such a situation. He could have at least told his mother about his

sexuality. She would have had a bad initial reaction but she would have

certainly understood in the end. How could he have not thought of all

this before? In his fear of being rejected, he had hidden himself inside a

shell.

 

Now it was too late. What was the use of all these ruminations? On one

side, there was his mother living on a thin thread. Any shock might be

fatal for her. His coming out would most certainly kill her. When Jay

thought about all these years of love and affection and the way he was

repaying that, he felt ashamed, ashamed of his very own existence.

Would he be able to build a home with Ryan on the grave of his mother?

 

On the other side, there was Ryan, the one he loved and the one who

loved him unconditionally. If he didn’t come out and ended up married

to someone else, he wondered what would happen to Ryan. The latter

would be devastated and he certainly didn’t deserve all this. Betraying a

person like Ryan was… just unjust! Ryan had always put Jay before

everything. He never cared for himself. Jay knew that Ryan would

sacrifice himself of he asked it. But wouldn’t it be unfair to ask Ryan to

pay the price for Jay’s cowardice?

 

And between all this, there was Maya. Every time Jay thought of her, he

felt a pinch in his heart. He often wondered how she landed in all this

confusion. She had never hurt him but Jay knew that either way she

would be hurt. Marrying her and making false promises would be like

playing with her trust and emotions. And if he came out and walked out

of this alliance, he would be leaving her halfway. A girl, whose

engagement had broken, would have to face the harsh words of the

society in India. Either way, he would be hurting her.

 

The barrier he had been putting up for himself finally collapsed and tears

flowed out. He brought his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them

as he sobbed. For the first time in his life, he felt so helpless. He was so

powerless that he couldn’t even commit suicide. This would bring grief

to all the ones he loved- Ryan, his mother, his family and perhaps Maya

too. Perhaps that was his destiny- to bring misery to others.

 

After a few minutes, he felt movement behind him but he didn’t even

turn to see who it was. He was too busy trying to stop the tears. Then, he

felt the too familiar pair of arms embrace him. He tried to move away at

first, thinking that he didn’t deserve this consolation but Ryan insisted.

 

“I’m really sorry, Ryan,” Jay sobbed.

 

“It’s okay, dear,” he whispered in his ears, “I’m sorry too about

yesterday. I was harsh with you. I know you would never do such a

thing to hurt me intentionally. I should have talked with you. I should

have at least tried to understand you. But all I did was to increase your

worries.”

 

“I love you Ryan!” Jay said as he tightened his hold on Ryan’s hand.

 

Their exchange last night still haunted him.

 

“I know, Jay. I love you too.”

 

Then, Jay told Ryan everything that had happened from the start- from

his mother’s illness to his engagement with Maya.

 

“Everything happened so quick that I didn’t even have time to think

properly. I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you anything. You were right

yesterday. I should have at least informed you. Right now, I don’t know

what to do. I’m at a loss,” Jay said.

 

“You’re in a very difficult situation. But it’s you who has to make the

decision and quick!” Ryan said wisely, “I don’t want to cause you more

worries. But you have to decide fast what you’ll do. I know it’s difficult

but you have to do it. And one more thing- whatever you decide, I’ll

always accept it. Don’t forget that I love you!”

 

Saying that, Ryan kissed Jay’s head affectionately. Jay found tears on

his cheeks but he knew Ryan was right. He had to make a decision and

quick!