Standing at Crossroads - 4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

People flowed into the huge wedding hall through the oak doors where a few boys and girls stood, welcoming the guests. Inside, the colorful garlands of flowers brought forth the beauty of the place, with stunning bouquets placed here and there. Oriental songs complimented the festive atmosphere with their musical input. A few volunteers were serving the thirsty and hungry guests with drinks and sweets. The women, laden with all manner of jewelry and finely draped in their bright sarees, sat in a small group gossiping with their kind. As for the men, who were dressed in their immaculate suits despite the stifling heat, they sat quietly looking round at the beauties.

Jay’s parents were sitting along with Maya’s parents as the ceremony carried on. A few seats away, Arjun, Divya and Komal sat. And Jay was with Maya at the altar. The priest chanted the incomprehensible mantras, “Mangalam Bhagwan Vishnu…” When Jay raised his head, he saw Ryan’s sad face amongst the crowd.

“Why have you done this to me, Jay,” Ryan said as his lips quivered, “I won’t be able to live without you, Jay. Come back Jay! Come back! Leave everything.”

But before Jay could react, someone exclaimed, “Jay is gay! He loves another man. He’s a sinner”

Pandemonium reigned in the hall. Everyone stood up and whispered to each other while pointing fingers at the bridegroom. He could hear them laughing at him

“You have ruined my life,” Maya wailed as she accused Jay, “Now no one will marry me. You have stigmatized me, Jay. I hate you. I curse you, Jay. You’ll never be happy in your life.”

“Maya, try to understand me,” Jay tried to console her but she ran away. As he tried to find some kind of help, he saw his mother lying on the floor.

“Mom!” he exclaimed. There was no pulse and her body was cold.

“Dad, Arjun, Komal! Someone call an ambulance,” he yelled as he held his mother’s body in his lap.

“We would never help a eunuch!” his father said contemptuously.

“She deserves dying after giving birth to such filth,” his brother and sister said disdainfully.

“Jay! Jay!” a familiar voice said.

When he regained his wits, Jay found himself in bed with Ryan. It was just a nightmare. Well, at least he wasn’t yet married. He felt the familiar sad feeling return when he realized that his engagement with Maya and everything else were real.

“Are you ok? You were thrashing and twisting.” Ryan said soothingly.

“I dreamt that I was at my wedding. You were there too and you were crying. Suddenly someone told everybody present that I was gay. Maya was crying and mom died,” Jay said as he felt tears on his cheeks. His real-life nightmares were now following him all the way to his dreams. Ryan hugged him reassuringly and they slept like this until morning, cuddled close to each other.

-*-*-*-

Standing on the balcony, Jay watched the sun setting. The ceremony of haldi was about to start in about an hour. The guests had started arriving the day before. The preparations were in full swing. Two days ago, all of them had gone into the city and bought all the clothes and arranged for all the various jewelry to be made. Sweets vendor, florist, cooks, singers, and so on were coming and going with Uncle Veer checking everything. He had returned the day before. When Jay told him everything, he confessed that he couldn’t do much without outing Jay but he did advise him to tell his parents everything.

Jay tried to talk to his father, Arjun or Maya but he couldn’t. He became so weak each time that he was disgusted with himself. Eventually, he wondered if he could fight against his destiny and accepted defeat. Perhaps, that’s what was his fate - to marry Maya.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Jay heard Ryan say from behind him, “Each evening, it dissolves in this immense ocean yet each morning it rises shining and unscarred.”

Jay said nothing and a silence reigned. Yesterday, he confessed to Ryan about his ‘decision’ to marry. Neither did he give any explanation nor did Ryan demand one. They stayed like that in each other’s arms for the last time. It was their last night together, one which none would forget.

“I’m going to miss you,” Ryan said as he stared at the orange sky, “the moments we spent together, our silly talks, your irritating manner of waking up early, and the life we had. You often tell me that I’m a fabulous person and that you’re really lucky to have me. The truth is that you’re just too strict with yourself and I’m the lucky one to have met you. Maybe you didn’t realize it but you always love me despite my shortcomings like my jealousy or my last episode with drugs. You’re a great person, Jay,” his voice trailed off and then he wiped any threatening tears and put a large smile on his face, “Sorry, I became quite sentimental. Tomorrow you’re going to marry. It’s going to be a great turning point in your life. You should forget everything and enjoy yourself. Do you have bachelor’s parties here? You need to…”

Jay hugged Ryan and whispered, “Don’t smile so much that the tears in your eyes become visible to everyone.”

“I know it would be very difficult for us to keep in contact,” Ryan said in a wavering voice as he broke the embrace, “Just forget everything, Jay and be happy! I know I no longer have the right and the place isn’t the most suitable one, but can I kiss you one last time?”

Jay, for the first time since he came to India, didn’t care about other people and kissed Ryan. It was the most painful kiss he ever had. While he tried to make the kiss last forever, he felt like a child desperately trying to cling on the hem of his mother’s dress. Before Jay could do anything, Ryan broke the kiss and turned away. Watching Ryan’s back dissolve out of the room, Jay felt like it was a final goodbye.

-*-*-*-

“Jay, you haven’t dressed yet?” Jay mother asked as she saw him, “We have to leave in two hours. Your clothes are ready and are in your room. Get dressed quickly. We have to do the Panchawan soon! Oh my God, I have to do everything. Where’s Divya and Komal. These two… There they are!”

Jay watched as his mother went off to fire orders to the other two. Shaking his head, he entered his room and noticed that it was empty. He had thought that Ryan would be there. As he passed near the round table, he saw a letter lying on it.

Dear Jay,

I know I have promised that I would be there during your wedding. I tried to prepare myself but I couldn’t. I can’t watch you becoming the half of another person. I fear I would break down during the ceremony and cause you many problems. So I’ve gone away.

Don’t be sad, Jay! I don’t blame you at all, and neither should you blame yourself. Everything that has happened wasn’t in your hands. Perhaps the stars were jealous of our love, or perhaps our love wasn’t meant to exist. Go Jay and live your life. Be happy, if not for yourself, at least for me.

Bye my friend and thanks for all that you gave me

Always yours
Ry

P.S- Don’t forget to dry your hair after having a bath or I’ll come there and kick your ass.

Jay looked at the letter. Nothing more was written, but the traces of dried tears left on the white paper told him everything. He fell to his knees and cried his heart out. For the first time, he cried and no one’s arms were there to hold him. He suddenly felt so alone in this crowded world.

-*-*-*-

Jay watched his reflection in the mirror. When he was younger, he often wondered if he would ever have the opportunity to wear a bridegroom’s attire. His was really beautiful- finely cut and shining beads were threaded in the robe and the color seemed quite ethereal, a pink-orange mixture with a golden glow. He didn’t look anything less than a medieval prince. A pauper prince, he corrected himself. Beautiful as it was, it felt very suffocating and seemed to weigh thousands of kilos without Ryan by his side. The beggar sharing his two meals with the one he loved was certainly more beautiful and lucky than he was.

“Everyone will be left stunned when they see you,” Jay turned and saw his father enter his room, “When I see you like this, I realize how much you have grow up. You have become a man, a man who’s going to have his own family. I’m really proud of you, my son.” His father said as he grabbed Jay’s shoulder affectively. He looked really happy.

“Jay!” Arjun came hurriedly in the room, “Jay! Your friend Ryan had an accident. It’s not…”

But Jay didn’t hear more. Voices erupted in his mind ‘It’s all because of me. He must have been really tense. I shouldn’t have left him. I shouldn’t have let him go alone.’ Pictures came in his mind, one worst than the other. Suddenly, Jay revived all the moments he had spent together with Ryan- the mornings, the nights, the small bickering, and the support he always gave…

“I need to go see him,” Jay announced.

“Jay, you can’t. The procession is going to leave in twenty minutes. Anyway, Arjun said that it’s not so serious. It’s just…” his father started.

“Why don’t you understand? I love him!” Jay said.

The three of them took several minutes to register what he had said. Strangely, Jay didn’t feel scared nor did he try to cover what he just said. It felt right! In that moment, he knew that he should have done it days, if not years, ago. However, he just regretted that he needed such inauspicious news to give him this courage.

“What?” his father barked.

“Yes, dad. I’m in love with Ryan. He has been my boyfriend for three years…?”

“You’re a eunuch!” he said with disgust, “I can’t believe that I gave birth to a freak, a half-man?”

“Dad, please…” Jay started.

“I don’t know what you are, but you’re going to marry right now. I don’t want you to play with my honor. Unlike you, I’m a man and I have my words to uphold!”

“I’m going!”

“You’re not going anywhere!” he said as he grabbed Jay’s arms.

“Let him go!” Jay heard his mother say.

“Mom!” Jay uttered, shocked to see his mother enter the room followed by Uncle Veer.

“I won’t let him go. This concerns my reputation!”

“I won’t let you sacrifice my son to please your so-called society. Today, when he needs our support, you’re talking about honor. Didn’t your honor prick you when you didn’t have the time to talk to your son for days? Where was your honor when he needed your affection? You’re going to let go of his arm,” she said firmly and Jay eventually managed to free himself.

“How…” Jay asked bemused by this sudden occurrence.

“I saw a letter in your drawer and though it’s not fair, I read it and learnt about you and Ryan. Then, Veer found me and he told me the rest of the story. This boy really loves you. It’s very difficult to find a person who loves you that much these days, boys or girls. You shouldn’t let him go. What saddens me is that you didn’t tell me anything. How could you have thought that I wouldn’t understand? I’m your mother, silly boy! Is there anything more important to me than your happiness? And you thought that your joy would kill me,” she said as her eyes shone with motherly love.

Jay hugged his mother and for the first time he smiled. It felt so nice to be accepted by the others. He no longer had to hide his identity and live as a thief.

“Go and look for Ryan!” she whispered in his ear.

“I will, Mom and but I have to go somewhere else first.”

-*-*-*-

Jay gulped as he got out of the car. He knew that it was the right thing to do but he also knew that it was going to be very difficult. He entered the heavily decorated tent and met a scene similar to the one he'd just left. Everyone was dressed up and ready for the wedding. Those who had waited until the last minute could be seen running here and there.

“Jay!” Vishal said as soon as he saw Jay, “What happened? Is everything all right?”

“Is everybody fine at home?” Maya’s parents, who had just joined their son, asked.

“Yes,” Jay managed to say, “I have to meet Maya. It’s just for a few minutes.”

“But the bridegroom isn’t supposed to see the bride before the wedding; it’s supposed to bring ill-luck,” May’s mother said worriedly, “Is everything all right?”

“It’s really urgent. I need to talk to Maya,” Jay pleaded.

“We can arrange for a veil. This way, you can talk but won’t be able to see each other. Will it be ok for you?” Vishal suggested.

“Yes,” Jay said.

The joyous atmosphere, which had reigned when Jay entered, disappeared. Most of the people were quiet, looking at these four and whispering amongst themselves. Jay felt very uncomfortable as he found himself the center of attention. But the worst was not over. Feeling everyone’s eyes on him, Jay followed Vishal to their house and then, to Maya’s room, where Maya sat with several other girls.

“I want to talk to her in private,” Jay said quietly.

Vishal and the other girls left the room without much fuss and closed the door, leaving the two of them alone. Maya was sitting immobile on the bed, completely decked up as a bride and a red veil hiding her face. Dust from the stars seemed to have fallen on her red bridal attire and shone in the light. Delicately carved golden jewels and ornaments adorned every part of her body- anklets on her ankles, rings on her fingers, bangles on her wrists and several necklaces circled her neck. Jay could see the patterns of mehendi on her palms; the color had turned out to be really deep. She was very beautiful.

“I really don’t know what to say,” Jay finally started after a few painful moments of silence, “Maya, I…I… Maya, I can’t marry you. I won’t hide anything from you today, Maya. I’m gay and I love Ryan. We have been boyfriends for three years. When I came home last week to see my mother, she was really weak. I thought that to save her life, I had to accept the proposal of marriage. But today, I realized that I won’t be able to live without Ryan. I’m the guilty party, Maya. I have cheated you. I don’t even deserve to be forgiven. I know I have, perhaps knowingly, ruined your life.”

Jay’s gaze fell to the floor as tears threatened to spill out. Jay could no longer look at the Maya’s immobile body. Perhaps, if she shouted and created a scene, the pain would have been less. He wondered if he would be able to forgive himself for having hurt this innocent girl. He lifted his eyes, expecting to see some kind of reaction but there was none. Then, two drops of water fell on her hennaed hands.

“Outside, I’m going to tell everyone that we’re not going to marry. I’m going to tell them that I love someone else. And…” Jay said slowly but then stopped. He was about to say, “Forgive me, if possible” but he wondered if he deserved to ask that of her.

Jay opened the door and went outside where everybody was waiting for him. Not meeting their gaze, he approached the altar where there was a microphone. He took a deep breath and started:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to inform you that Maya and I aren’t going to marry,” he said and instantly there was chaos in the tent. People got up and started talking loudly amongst themselves. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Vishal making a beeline for the altar.

“Should I ask what joke is this?” Vishal asked angrily as he stepped next to Jay.

“It’s not a joke, Vishal…”

“How dare you?” he said as he grabbed Jay’s collar. Several people, who had now come up to the altar, grabbed him and stopped him from taking any abrupt action.

“Let me explain myself,” Jay said as he freed himself from Vishal’s grasp, “I love somebody else. I…”

“I don’t care about you or your lover. You’re going to stay here and marry Maya,” he said threateningly.

“Is there something wrong with our daughter? Forgive her if she made a mistake,” Maya’s father said as he approached Jay. Her mother was weeping with some other women, cursing the stars.

“No, it’s not…”

“Is it about the dowry?”

“No, no! You do not understand. It’s me who’s wrong. I love someone else. There’s nothing wrong with Maya. She deserves someone much better. Forgive me. Please, I think I should go now,” Jay said as he started towards the door.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Vishal said as he grabbed him from behind. He then punched Jay squarely in the face. He was sure that in a few minutes, an ugly bruise would appear.

“Leave him!” a familiar voice said from behind them.

Everyone stopped and turned to see Maya standing not far away. She had removed all her make-up and accessories. Her body looked bare without all those ornaments and jewels. For the first time, Jay saw her without a smile. Her face showed signs of both exhaustion and fatigue. Jay couldn’t decipher if she had cried any more but there were no traces of tears or extreme grief.

“Can you tell me why you punched him?” Maya asked her brother calmly.

“He’s going to ditch you!”

“I agree that he was wrong to lead me on, to give me false hopes but he eventually realized his mistake, didn’t he? Just imagine if he had married me. I would have been his wife but there would have been someone else in his heart. How long we would have been happy? One year? Two? Five? The marriage would not have lasted forever and three lives would have been destroyed- his, that of the one he loves and mine. And why has my life been ruined? Is my fate only tied to that of my husband’s? Why can’t I live for my own fate? Is a woman weak without her spouse and is it necessary to tie her with the chains of marriage?”

Everyone remained quiet as Maya let her emotions out. Jay would have never thought that so much courage was in that small frame.

“You can go, Jay. I don’t blame you. We were never meant for each other but I’m glad to have met you,” she said as she came closer to him, “the circumstances could have been much better but never mind that. Now go! Someone is waiting for you. Only lucky ones find their love and the luckiest ones never lose it!”

“Thanks!” Jay whispered as he hugged her. Then he took off to meet Ryan!

-*-*-*-

“Sister, can you tell me where Ryan is? He’s a foreigner. Tall, blond hair,” Jay rapidly asked a nearby nurse as he tried to regain his breath.

“Over there. Turn left and it’s the third door.”

Jay ran trying to avoid other people walking sown the hall. He finally found the room. As he peered through the pane, he found Ryan sitting on the bed. It seemed he wasn’t hurt very much except for a cut on the cheek and a bruise on the hand. His eyes were puffy and red, telling Jay that he had cried. Jay entered the room and both stared at each other.

“Jay, what are you doing? And you’re hurt! Aren’t you supposed to be at the wedding?” Ryan asked incredulously as he stared at him.

“Oh, that’s how you welcome me?” Jay laughed. He sat next to Ryan on the bed and without answering any questions, he hugged him. He really missed the feeling of having Ryan in his arms. It soothed out all tensions and made him feel as if everything would be fine. They stayed like that for a moment.

“Okay, I think its okay, now,” Ryan said as he started chuckling, “You wouldn’t like someone to find us right? And I want to know what happened! And then you have to take care of that ugly bruise.”

Jay regained his composure and sat on the chair next to the bed. He then told Ryan everything that had happened since he left.

“Damn it, the letter!” Ryan said.

“It really helped me, you know” Jay said happily.

Ryan then got up from the bed and knelt down in front of Jay who looked quizzically at him.

“Ryan…”

“Jay, I have thought of doing this since forever. When I came here, I thought of doing this here, in your country. But with all the complications… Jay, will you marry me?” Ryan said as he stared into Jay’s eyes. He then removed a little box from his pocket and opened it. A small golden ring was enclosed inside which twinkled in the sunlight shining into the room.

Jay knew that he would never forget the moment. Here, Ryan was kneeling in front of him. And looking at him were those blue eyes that held so much love and sincerity. Warm butterflies swarmed in his stomach and started fluttering. Eager and enthusiastic, a few tears came out of hiding to witness this unique moment in a lifetime.

“Yes. Yes, Ryan,” Jay eventually said as he lifted Ryan to his feet and kissed him.

THE END