Broken - 3. What is Love?

His head hurt, physically, but it was more of a mental pain. Why had he kissed Kyle back? Why hadn’t he fought back harder? Allen lay in bed exhausted but unable to sleep, remembering the previous night. He was scared to close his eyes, images of what happened played through his head. Just the mere thought made his stomach turn and his body to shudder.

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud buzzing noise. It took himself a minute to actually realize that it was his alarm clock going off.

He turned the alarm off and got out of bed. He slipped into a quick shower to try and revive a little of what was left of himself. The shower hurt at first but the pain soon became a dull feeling.

He got out and dried himself off, walked from the bathroom back to his room to dress. He didn't care what he wore, he just threw on the first things he managed to grab.

By the look of the clock he had three quarters of an hour left before school started for the day, lots of time to eat but he wasn't hungry. If he have had an appetite; he wouldn't have been able to keep anything down.

He decided to just head to school early, hoping that his stomach would start to feel better. He grabbed his keys and left, heading towards school.

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As he lay in his bed he reflected and noted that it had been a night he wouldn't be forgetting for a while at least. He had gotten what he wanted. He wanted more and he'd make sure he got it or someone would pay. He couldn't believe that his plan had actually worked or the fact that Allen was gay. Only the easier it became to get to his goal. His thoughts drifted back to last night, he smiled. He definably wouldn't forget it, nor would Allen. He would do anything to see that he got what he wanted, he wouldn’t think twice.

 
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Allen approached his locker, got his books ready then left and went to the cafeteria to sit until the first bell rang. He put his head down to rest and the next thing he knew he was being woken up by someone shaking him. It was surely not who he expected. He had expected Matt, hell maybe even Kyle but not the VP. The man stood looming over him and he wasn't looking happy.
"Mr. Sebastian, the cafeteria is not your personal bedroom. I want you in the office now. I’ll be there shortly to deal with you"
He didn't even wait, the VP moved quickly on to harass some other students that just were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Isn't that always how it was?

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The whole day had gone by and Matt hadn't seen Allen once. He and Allen normally shared math, gym and history classes and Allen showed up for none of them. Matt hoped he was okay. Matt forgot to call him last night, after talking, no, more like fighting with Jen. He had been worn out. He had only been trying to rest his eyes but he succumbed to sleep quickly. He hoped that nothing bad happened last night and that Allen made it home in one piece. He'd go check on him before he went home. Maybe he'd bring him some soup or something to make him feel better. The last bell finally rang knocking him out of his thoughts and becoming fully awake. He started packing up his book bag and left the classroom. He dropped his books off in his locker and left the school. It was like a ten to fifteen minute walk home depending how fast he walked. He ran up to his room and threw his bag on his bed before he ran back out towards Allen’s house.

He knocked on the door and waited for an answer. There wasn't one. He opened the door and called out Allen’s name. Still, there wasn't an answer, so he made his way up to Allen's bedroom door.

It was ajar about a foot so he stepped inside. Lying on the bed, sound asleep, was Allen. That was the reason why he hadn’t answered Matt when he knocked. As Matt took another step into the room he noticed that Allen looked troubled and in pain. He didn’t want to wake him; it looked like he really needed sleep. Without thinking on his part, Matt bent down and kissed Allen’s forehead, and pulled more of the cover on top of Allen.
“Sweet dreams” he whispered as he left the room.

He went downstairs and seen the dishes from the mess they’d left the night before and decided to make Allen the soup he’d thought of earlier. That is what his mom normally did for him, and well, with Allen’s parents out of the picture, it was up to Matt to make sure he was taken care of. He still couldn’t believe that Allen’s parents were never around; they were missing out on everything that was happening in Allen’s life. When they first started going away it had been on short trips but over time they grew longer. Matt used to miss the short trips Allen’s parents took. During them, Allen would stay at his house with his family and Allen was happy, he knew his parents would be back soon. But now, it was like they were gone for good. It hurt Matt to see Allen so hurt. Allen may think no one saw it but his eyes give it away to Matt every time their eyes connected.

Making the soup wasn’t that hard, just open a can of good old chicken noodle soup and pour it into a pot. After that it was a simple turn on the stove knob to warm the soup, anyone could have done it. He poured the soup into a bowl and placed it along with some sodium crackers on a tray and took it up to Allen. He didn’t wake him, just left the tray beside the bed for when he did wake up on his own. He went downstairs and cleaned up and wrote a note to Allen telling him if he needed anything to call.

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It seemed like he had been running forever, he was afraid to slow down or stop. He’d be caught if he did, it’d surely mean the worse. He couldn’t fall prey to him again, he wouldn’t survive, he wouldn’t want to. It was pitch dark, there were no lights, as he ran he hoped that he didn’t run into anything, he couldn’t afford to fall, he was right behind him. It felt like he had been running for hours, he was exhausted but still refused to quit. He thought he saw something ahead but what could exist where light itself couldn’t. He ran closer, and as he got closer he realized what was there and he wondered why he hadn’t realized it sooner. It wasn’t something, rather it was someone. He didn’t know if his mind created the person to help him cope with being shut away in the darkness or if he was real but he would soon find out. He could almost hear his voice; he could make out some of what he yelled to him.
“.......run.........please.......for me......”the guy yelled.
Those few words only made him run faster, thinking that he was wanted. As he got closer he could see more clearly, standing there Matt wasn’t alone, behind him stood the one person he didn’t want to ever see again, Kyle. It was like someone had slowed down time; he stared and watched as Kyle moved ever so slowly behind Matt so he wouldn’t notice him. Allen wished with all his strength that he reach Matt in time but he knew that it wouldn’t be possible, it was too far away. He watched in horror as Kyle pulled a gun out of his waistband and pointed it at the back of Matt’s head. Allen squeezed his eyes shut unable to watch what he knew was coming. He heard a deafening sound.
“I told you not to tell anyone, it’s your fault he’s dead” Kyle laughed.

“No!”Allen screamed
His whole body was trembling; he sat up, covered in sweat. He clenched the bed sheets; he couldn’t believe a nightmare could feel so real. He was in his bed. The nightmare so vivid, it was like it was seared into his mind. He was crying he couldn’t help himself; it was like he had no control over himself. Remembering the dream made his stomach twist sending him running to the bathroom to relieve what little was in his stomach. Kyle was supposed to be a friend, why had he betrayed that.

Allen striped down, jumped in the shower, hoping to scrub the memory away. He scrubbed as hard as he could but it wouldn’t go away, he could feel the blood still on him but it wouldn’t wash off. He gave up and collapsed to the bottom of the shower, just laying there. He had no strength left, Kyle made sure of it, and he had robbed Allen of all of it.

He felt worthless, weak and pathetic; he didn’t want to live anymore. He had no reason to go on, he couldn’t be used again. The corner of his eye caught sight of a razor, it was within reach. He reached out and grabbed it. He brought his wrist up and held the razor against it. He could do it, he kept telling himself, he could do it, would take only a second and the pain would be over.

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The first thing that happened when he walked into his house was he was met by the interrogator. His mom stood ready and started bombarding him. She wanted to know why he was late getting home from school; his brother had made it home already. He simply told her where he was and why. He had been at Allen’s checking up on him. He went up to his room to work on his homework before he was called for dinner, taking the handheld phone with him. He was waiting for Allen to call; he had left a note asking him to call as soon as he woke. It wasn’t hard for Matt to get his homework done normally but he couldn’t stop looking at the phone almost trying to will it to ring.

In the middle of struggling with the homework and waiting for the phone to ring, he was called down for supper. In his house, there was hardly anything cooked in the microwave or you eat whenever, like at some of his friends’ houses. Everything was made from scratch, probably why everyone loved eating with his family. They sat around the table and eat together. It was like the one and only time all of them were together and able to update one another on their lives. His dad would share what happened at work and Matt or Eric would share about their school day. Sometimes his mom would share whatever happened to her at home but she didn’t every night.

Tonight was a nice juicy pork roast with potatoes and carrots slowly cooked together all day long while everyone was out. Matt just couldn’t make himself eat, he didn’t have an appetite, and it was weird. He kept telling himself that he was just worried about Allen like any other friend would be. It was not weird for a friend to worry about another friend, every second having them in your thoughts, was it?

Matt’s parents did notice that something was wrong, and maybe had an idea what it was about but weren’t sure. His brother looked like someone that hadn’t eaten in a month, just stuffing his food into his mouth as fast as he could.

The one thing he loved his parents for was, they made time, and they cared. He knew that was more than Allen had. His parents made the time to eat one meal with their kids, something trivial to some but it was important. It showed they cared and loved the family as a whole. They made sure that Matt and his brother Eric knew and knew well that they were there if either of them needed anything.

Matt was snapped back into reality, his mom was talking to him. What actually pulled him out of his thoughts was her calling his name trying to get his attention and maybe the kick that he received from his brother in the shin might have helped.
“Is everything okay?” Eliz asked.

“Yeah of course mom, I’m fine.” He lied. He hated lying to his mom or even his dad but he was confused. What was he feeling? Lately it was becoming scary; he didn’t know what to think anymore. What he was taught and what he felt were two different things and were at constant war lately with one another. He just didn’t know himself anymore.

It had started when he had realized that he was fooling himself by dating Jennifer. He had gotten tired of pretending to feel something he was supposed to have felt towards girls, especially Jen, every guy had a crush her, everyone except him that is. He had tried but no matter what he did his mind knew it was wrong.

He asked to be excused from the table, wanting to think in the privacy of his room, a place his parents seldom invaded unless it was necessary. He got up and took his plate and placed it on the counter in the kitchen and went to his room.

His room was a nice green, looking at it now reminded him of Allen’s eyes. It was furnished with a queen size bed that used to belong to his parents and a table to work at, complete with a chair. His bed was made; it was the first thing he did every morning. He, unlike his brother Eric, made sure his room was clean. He couldn’t stand a messy room, it made it hard to move around in and things get lost easily.

Eric and Matt got along great, more like friends than brothers. They normally did everything together, along with Allen. Everything had changed though Matt stopped making time for them and really tried dating girls, in other words Jen. He was trying to destroy what was growing inside of him. It was something that was scaring him, he couldn’t control it, and it was like it had a life of its own.

“Hey bro you sure your okay?”A voice said from the doorway.
Again he was snapped out of his thoughts, this time by his brother. He looked over to the door and there stood all 5’ 9” of Eric with a concern look on his face. He didn’t know what to say, his first thought was to deny everything but just as that thought popped into his head another replaced it. Would it hurt to talk to Eric? he could trust him and he needed help figuring it out. Above all else he hoped that Eric would come up with a different answer than his.

“I don’t know anymore, I just don’t.” Matt replied. He was breaking down; he had no strength left to fight with. He felt a pair of arms wrap around him; he could feel the love within the hug. His eyes watered making it very hard to see. If only Eric knew, things would change.

“Please don’t, I don’t need anyone. You, like everyone else will be gone soon enough,” Matt said, struggling to get out of the brotherly embrace.

Eric looked very hurt by Matt’s comment; Matt regretted saying it as quickly as he had said it.
“How can you say that? We’re brothers Matt. No matter what I’ll still be your brother and be here when you need me. Never forget that.” Eric replied, poking Matt in the chest with each word.

Each poke was annoying Matt to the point he was getting angry with Eric.

“How do you know everything will stay the same? That you’ll want to be my brother? You don’t know anything!” Matt said.

“Because Matt, I’m not going anywhere. You can’t do anything to change that fact. Why can’t you understand that?” Eric said.

“Fine and I’ll be okay. Just go watch TV, sleep or whatever you do in that room of yours with the door locked.” Matt said trying to throw on a smile to go with his half assed joke.

Matt just wanted to stop fighting and he wanted Eric to stop making promises he knew he couldn’t keep. There would be a place and time for everything, it just wasn’t now. He put on a happy face so Eric would leave him alone.

“Are you sure?” Eric asked. Eric stood up and walked to the doorway he was leaning against a few moments ago.

“You know where to find me when you do, just next door Matt. Please.” Eric said just before he left, leaving Matt sitting on the edge of his bed. Matt finally just let go and allowed himself to fall backwards onto his bed.

“Why me? .............” he whispered “Why?.................” his eyes once again becoming an ocean.

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He sat and reflected on how similar his life was to Allen’s life. There were quite a few similarities to be found and that was probably why they had gotten along so well before, they could relate to one another.

Kyle knew beyond a doubt that he loved Allen and that Allen should love Kyle. It was just meant to be, destiny. They were so alike he couldn’t understand why Allen had left the night before. Kyle knew Allen liked what he got; he’d be back for more. Allen loved him more than he loved Matt, he just knew it.

Kyle couldn't believe how tight Allen had been, he had tried to resist but Kyle knew he had only been playing. Why would he seriously resist the love Kyle was trying to give Allen? He held him down, penetrated him while Allen squirmed around making the process a bit rough. Kyle guessed Allen was so excited, yeah, he liked it rough. He had screamed throughout the act but Kyle thought it had been screams of pleasure so he ignored them. He hadn’t noticed until after he had finished that Allen lay there whimpering in pain.

Without a word, Allen had run into the bathroom with his clothes crying and locked the door. Kyle banged on the door a few times asking for Allen to open the door, the only thing he heard was whimpers and cries of pain, no answer.

The whimpers stopped suddenly, Kyle grew worried. Had their first time been emotional shock to Allen? Was it too much for him to handle? He sat on the bed; he took the time and looked around. His clothes were thrown around, the sheets barely on the mattress and as he looked my closely at the sheets he noticed something else. Blood, a lot of blood, he didn’t understand why he hadn’t noticed before.

He looked down at his unclad body. It was also covered in blood, semi dried his whole groin was covered but through inspection he failed to find where the blood had come from. His body had no open wounds at all. It was only blood.

He got up from the bed and walked over to the bathroom door to once again to knock on it. After several knocks he stopped. He thought he heard movement. He was glad Allen stopped crying, it had been getting annoying.

“Allen come on out. Please come out.” He asked.

What happened next was the opposite of what he wanted to happen. He stood in front of the door waiting. Slowly Allen finally began to open the door. Kyle had been getting restless, he was glad Allen was finally leaving the bathroom. He wanted to wash the blood off before they went further tonight.

He hadn’t seen it coming but he sure felt it, hard. Allen put everything into the punch that he delivered to Kyle’s face. Kyle howled in pain and staggered back. He clenched his face with his hands. When he recovered he realized that Allen had left but not before grabbing his clothes.

He went into the bathroom and noticed the blood stains left behind and proceeded to clean the blood off of his body. He didn’t bother with the stains on the floor. He took a pee and grabbed into the shower to make sure he got all the blood.

Kyle reflected on the events of the night, he didn’t blame Allen for bleeding everywhere. It was his first time and all and he’d get over the bleeding after a few times. The hit though was a bit much, Kyle thought and he would make sure Allen apologized for it.

No matter what it took.