Broken - 4. Chapter 4 - Nightmares

He stood over the lifeless grave, he had lost him. Allen was gone. Tears flowed down Matt's face. He had waited too long; he had lost his one and only chance to express how he felt to Allen.

"Allen I never got the chance to tell you ..." he started really sobbing.
"I love you" he finally managed to get out between sobs.

"What ?! What did you just say!" a voice yelled behind him.

"You're a no good faggot aren't you. A pathetic waste." the voice said.

Matt spun around to identify the voice of pure hate. He stood there completely shocked. Standing before him, was a lie. It couldn't be true, it was impossible.

"You're not real, you’re dead" Matt said.

A vile smile grew across Allen's face. He took a step closer to Matt.

"You killed me Matt, it's your fault I'm dead. Now I’ve come for you. You let me die, how could you?" Allen asked.

Allen took another step towards him. Matt couldn't move. His body refused. He looked around trying to see if there was someone who could help.

Slowly as he turned his head, people were appearing out of the shadows. They formed a complete ring around Allen and Matt.

He recognized each and every person, all of them were family and friends. They started chanting something. Listening closely, Matt realized what they were saying.

"It's your fault Matt. You killed him."

He was quickly snapped out of his daze. Standing right in front of him was Allen.

*** *** *** ***

It had been over a week now and Allen still hadn't shown up for school and every time Matt popped over to his place, he was asleep. He was becoming worried, something was wrong. He continued to have that nightmare. Waking up screaming each time, his parents were really worried.

He didn't know what to do, things were changing and he wasn't sure if it was for the good or the bad. He wished he could help Allen but he couldn't even help himself.

Allen wasn't the only one changing, so was he. He had gotten tired of fighting it. He had realized that there was nothing he could do to fix it. He was actually accepting it. It wasn’t his fault.

What worried him was if he was the cause of the pain Allen was experiencing. Had he found out about Matt? Did he hate him now? Only Allen had the answers to those questions but he didn’t know how to ask them. What if he was wrong and Allen didn’t know he’d be revealing something that potentially kills their friendship. But by not telling Allen he wasn’t helping the situation either.

He felt like hitting his head off a wall, he didn’t know what to do. On one hand he could tell Allen and potentially lose him as a friend or he could not tell him and lose him. Either way he would potentially lose Allen as a friend but the difference was one way he was being honest or on the other he was allowing Allen to harm himself.

He would have to do what was right not just for himself but for Allen. He got up from where he had been sitting. He had locked himself away in his room away from everyone, every prying eye. He couldn’t take the look his brother had been giving him lately. He knew, Matt could see it in his eyes.

He still needed to talk to his brother about it but he was afraid, Eric hadn’t said anything yet but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t. He didn’t know what to say, that he was sorry? He had as much control over it as his brother, hell even Allen.

He walked toward his bedroom door and unlocked it; he walked out into the hall. Down the stairs to the front door, he hadn’t run into one person at all which surprised him.

Opened the door and walked out, heading for Allen’s house. It was past time.

***    ***    ***   ***    ***

Eric watched his brother walk down the street in the direction of Allen's house. Eric sat looking out his bedroom window. he was worried for Matt, he was going through something really hard and was afraid to ask for help, Eric was kind of hurt that Matt couldn't trust him enough to let him help, but understood it was a hard path to follow even in today's society.

But he could understand somewhat. as close as they were to one another, this situation, this problem was being blown out of proportion. Most people wouldn't understand, they like being ignorant to the world around them. he didn't understand why he understood so well, he just did and he was thankful for it.

His mother and father always reminded them growing up that friends may come and go, but family was always there to stay. Blood was thicker than water. Eric took that to heart, nothing would ever make him hate his brother and he hoped it was the same for Matt. Matt was and always would be his pillar of strength, Matt may not see it but he looked up to him and for many years wanted to be exactly like him.

When Matt and Allen first met, at the beginning he had been jealous, that Matt liked to spend more time with Allen even more than spending time with him. but he soon learned that he had to share, Allen deserved a friend too and who better than his older brother. they got along great, Matt would still set aside time for him and then time for Allen but it was the best when all three were together.

Growing up they did all kinds of funny and crazy things, pranks on the neighbours like pretending that Eric had fell off his bike too hard or putting a pound of butter on a chair and watching someone sit in and be chased by Star, the family dog.

Those times were over now, people grew up and family pets passed away. Only memories remained, things like that don't change because of one little detail. Just people's opinions changed, a big difference. who someone is and what someone wants them to be were like the sun and the moon.

***   ***   ***    ***   ***    ***

He had thought about it often but he could never find the courage to just do it, he could get the cold steel to kiss his skin but willpower would fail after the touch, he wanted it to end. All it took was just one quick slice, Allen knew that but he just couldn't do it.

He hadn't been to school since .... since ... that night. He couldn't face him or anyone for that Matter. Their eyes could dig deeper than any blade. All wanting answers, answers he couldn't give. some of them, Matt for sure, would be able to see right through him. He didn't want anyone seeing him in a different light, too painful.

He was back in the shower again, just staring at the blade and how close it was to his skin. wouldn't even take a second and it could be over, all of it but every time he'd see Matt's face and tears would surely follow. This time though it was different, he was staring so hard at the blade he didn't notice the shadow in the doorway of the bathroom. He could do it this time he knew it.

Just one slice that's all he needed to make. He prepared himself for the pain, he was ready. Pain shot through his arm but it was the wrong one, for about a second or two he was confused. He hadn't cut himself rather a strong arm held his arm, or for that Matter the razor away from his body.

God had finally granted him enough courage to finally go through with it why would God guide someone to intervene? Was this some cruel and funny joke to God? Was God standing above watching this? Was there a God in this insane bubble he lived in. If there was he was having a hard time believing.

He finally looked at the intruder, saying he was shocked was an understatement. He didn't want anyone to witness this let alone HIM. Seeing him with that look on his face really tugged at his heart. Now was when the regret set in, he had tried numerous times but this was the first time that he really regretted even thinking of harming himself. He never thought how it'd affect the people around him.

He didn't fully realize that he had caring people around him. It was sad but he had forgotten love and that he was loved by others. Looking into Matt's eyes reminded him all too well. He had succeeded cutting himself far deeper than he could have imagined with a knife.

He couldn't find the words to change the look that was frozen on Matt's face. it was burned into his eyes forever. He had mixed feelings, partly angry that Matt would intrude on him, another part of himself was ashamed to be caught but the strongest feeling was of deep sadness. He had hurt the one person that meant the most to him. There might not be a way to fix what he had done now.

He hadn't noticed what was going on, being wrapped in the thoughts that were swirling around in his head. Matt had taken the blade out of his hand, wrapped a towel around his naked body and placed his arms around Allen to try to comfort him. For once he felt safe, for the first time in ages he felt himself relax, letting all his worries melt away. There was time later for worries, as for right now he had to face Matt.

****

He had waited up all night waiting for his brother to come home, only in the middle of the early morning did he finally give up. Matt had worried not just him but their parents also. They probably thought it was drugs or something worse.

Matt didn't know that he knew but a fool could notice if they looked hard enough. The fire burning in their eyes for one another. he was tempted to bang their heads together. he wanted them to be happy, nothing wrong with that.

He woke from a knock on his bedroom door. it felt like he'd just fell asleep. he shot a quick glance at his alarm clock. there in red, six am. 'as in the morning, GOD!'

"Yes" he called.

The door opened, and his mother came in.

"Hun do you know where your brother is?" she asked

'Shit he really didn't come home last night' he thought "he went over to Allen's last night to talk probably ended up sleeping over" he told her.

"Oh ok thanks, go back to sleep Hun I'm off to work. Don't forget to do your chores. Love you"

He gave a quick love you back and was quickly in a comfortable spot. Sleep came soon enough again.

******            ******                        ******

He sat across the room watching the sleeping form. Allen was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Matt was worried for him, he didn't think, more like couldn't think of what would have happened if he'd been even a few seconds later than he was or what if he'd changed his mind instead of coming in.

He didn't want to, wished he could forget all about it but the image was burned forever into his mind. he didn't know what to do, he was scared of doing the wrong thing. He didn't want to lose him, he was nothing without him.

The sunlight was streaming through the bedroom window.

'Morning already, time flies when you worry' he thought.

Allen needed his help and knew that but first he had to convince Allen that he needed it. he got out of the chair and walked over and sat on the edge of the bed closest to Allen. He placed his hand softly on Allen's shoulder and shook lightly, trying to wake him.

The peaceful look that Allen had been wearing while he slept, disappeared as soon as his eyes started opening. It was replaced with a sad and painful look.

"I think it's time to talk buddy, I can't help if you don't let me" Matt said.

"I don't know if it's something you can fix, I'm broken and I'm scared I don't know if I can be fixed." Allen replied.

Seeing the pain in Allen's eyes, hearing the doubt in his voice, feeling how rigid his body was, was like having an dagger plunged into his heart. it seemed with each word or look that an invisible hand was twisting the imaginary blade.

"Please Allen let me try, let me help you. Please." Matt asked.

Allen sat up and slid his legs over the edge of the bed so that he and Matt were shoulder to shoulder.

"You wouldn't understand even if I did tell you, which I'm not. I don't want to lose you." Allen stood up "So forget all about last night" Allen said

Allen started to walk away but Matt grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

"Try me" Matt demanded. "If you consider me your friend you will. Please Allen, I'm not going to for-"

The next thing he knew Allen's lips were pressed against his, shocked but without giving it another thought he started to kiss him back. A few breathless seconds passed, finally Allen ended the kiss.

"I'm so-"Allen tried to say but Matt never gave him a chance. Matt attacked Allen's lips for a second helping of those delicious heavenly pieces of flesh. they finally came up for air.

"Don't, everything will be fine. I promise" Matt said.

Even if Allen wanted to say something, he couldn't, his brain stopped working after that last kiss. he couldn't believe what was happening. He really wanted to believe Matt, but he was scared and he was really afraid that this was just a dream. Even if this wasn't a dream he still was the broken person from last night. It wouldn`t be long before this came crashing down.

"Stop" Matt said.

He pulled Allen into his arms and just held him, afraid to let go. he could see the pain and worry that was painted on Allen's face.

"We're in this together" Matt said. "I love you Allen"

"Matt, that means a lot to me. I love you too, I am truly so-"

”-- shhh it's in the past, forget it Allen."

*** **** *** ****

He didn't really know what to feel, he was actually happy beyond belief but there was just a nagging feeling in the back of his mind something was going to destroy this newfound happiness. He had him where he wanted him, scared and pitiful.

There was only one person that could ruin everything he'd had accomplished so far. He'd have to deal with him sooner than he had thought. He wanted Allen all to himself, there was no room to share. Especially with someone like Matthew Breton. He`d kill Allen before he`d share his toy.

Soon everything would be his, soon.

*** *** ***

Her son was going through something she wished she could help him with but knew she was the last person he'd look for help from.

She suspected back in elementary school that Matt was gay, but she never discussed it with anyone. it had overwhelmed her then but by researching it, she had come to understand it more. One did not wake up one morning and say to themselves I'm going to be gay, I need the harassment and hate because I get too much love already. It was genetic, like being left handed.

It scared her, not knowing what she would have done if she hadn't been directed to pflag. She was still worried about Roger, her husband and his reaction. She was afraid to even bring up the subject to him. It wasn't like he was homophobic, they both had a few gay friends but a friend was a little different than having a gay son.

The last week had been painful, listening to her little Matthew wake up screaming throughout the night. There was nothing she could do but lay there and listen. It was hard to watch her son lock himself away, afraid to be himself. But he had to come to her, he'd be like a rabbit caught in a trap if she approached him.

She knew he'd come out in his own time but that thought didn't make what happening any easier to digest. She just wanted to take him into her arms and whisper that everything would okay, but that was a promise she couldn't make. Especially Matt, he was on a rough path, one she could only support the best she could. As long as her Matt was happy she would be happy. She would try her best to accept whomever that came into her son's life.

She hoped that when Allen found out, he too would grow to accept Matt. Matt needed Allen, he had become a support for Matt. Maybe the current problem with Matt was to do with Allen, maybe her hopes hadn't come true.

She couldn't interfere even if she had wanted to, it was Matt's life to live not hers. She could only be the support he needed. A mother's job was to worry for her children but it was also their job to realize when to cut the apron strings and give them the space they deserved, painful but worth it in the end.

It was a long day at work, worrying about Matt and even Allen. Allen was like another son to her. His parents were never around, she tried to ask them why once when they were back on one of their rare visits. They informed her that it was none of her concern, she should be more worried about what their son may do to hers.

She made it home and was greeted by Roger. She seemed to be the only one worried about Matt, Roger sure didn't seem to be. He kissed her on the cheek and welcomed her home.

"Thanks hunny, I needed that" she told him.

She left him in the living room and went into the kitchen to prepare supper. She needed something to do to get her mind off Matt. Before she knew it everything was cooked and ready to serve, only one thing was missing, Matt.