Him in the Dust - Part 2 - 1. Home Truths

August 24th 2006

A ventilator gently whirred and pumped at the side of Lukas’s bed. I held his hand, looking at all the pipes, tubes, and equipment working away to keep him alive. The room was sparsely decorated; a single picture of nothing in particular hung on the wall. Some flowers sat on a small table in the corner, probably from his parents, and then there was me. But importantly, I felt like we had found our way back together. Now, the war he was fighting was a different one. Even so, just as before, I was going to be right there alongside him.

Lukas looked peaceful as I watched his bare chest rise and fall, eyes closed. His cheeky face could still be imaged if you removed the large tube in his mouth and another two smaller ones invading his nose. You just had to take them away in your mind, as I did.

I gently squeezed his fingers, hoping somehow that would wake him up, but there was nothing.

I’d been here two hours.

Calls on my phone had gone unanswered, along with texts. Nurses came and went, along with the differing emotions I felt. I loved this guy. I needed him.

I moved my chair closer to his bed and rested my head on his arm, allowing myself to be soothed by the gentle noises coming from the various equipment.

“Hey Lukas, I dunno if you can hear me, but I can see you, and I’m here. I wonder where you are right now; maybe you’re dreaming some nice dreams. Perhaps you’re with the three of us fighting the Taliban.”

I wiped a tear from my eye.

“I erm, I just want you to know how brave you are and how much I miss you. I was thinking about us maybe going away somewhere. Perhaps Paris, or maybe you could show me some of Germany. I was also thinking about speaking to your mum and dad. But, so far, I’ve been too chicken shit to do so.”

I chuckled lightly.

“I wonder if they blame me, that’s why I’m scared. I should have been there for you. I wanted to get over to you, but it was too late. But I got hurt too, and I’m lucky because I can sit here and hold your hand and talk to you. I wish you could talk to me… tease me, or shout at me.”

I lifted my head, hoping to see his eyes open smiling. I wished he was playing a trick on me and he was gonna laugh at me talking to him. But no. He was still in the same position. I put my head back down, running my hand up to his arm. It was warm to the touch, soft and firm still.

“I haven’t told my parents anything about us or what we went through; I haven’t told them anything. My brother is home on leave right now, and I haven’t even been back home to see him. I’m staying in quarters at Catterick on medical leave. You’re not far from there. I’m telling you because you probably don’t know that. Your Mum and Dad usually come in the mornings if you were wondering. I get here and watch them with you. Your mum looks sweet, and she always kisses you on the head before she goes. They seem nice.”

I was suddenly interrupted by a nurse opening the door to the room, and I quickly raised my head and pushed my chair back.

“Everything okay?” She asked, taking Lukas’s chart from the bottom of the bed.

“Yeah, just talking to him. Do you think he can hear me?”

The nurse pursed her lips. “Some say they can but might not remember.”

“How long does this last?” I asked, another tear rolling down my face. I let it.

She pointed her chin at Lukas. “You two served together?”

“Yeah, he was my shadow,” I said, feeling proud and perhaps showing it in my body language.

“It may last forever, or he may wake up in an hour. A deep coma is a peculiar thing. He’ll wake up when his brain says it’s time. Anyway, I’ve done my checks, and I’ll leave you to it.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh, and keep talking to him, wherever he is, he might be locked in a body that cant move yet but might be very much listening to what you are saying.”

I just smiled at the nurse as she opened the door and left. I got up out of my chair, feeling the need to stroke Lukas’s short blond hair. Then sat back down and opened his hand out, running circles around his palm with my index finger, feeling the callouses as I went. Hands of a strong, brave soldier, I thought, mesmerising myself with my own action.

“I wonder how it got to this, you know,” I said, continuing to run circles in his hand. “I think you tricked me. You led me into your life, had me pinned down and then just as I was beginning to accept what was happening, you leave me. So now I feel like I’m stranded in the desert again, without you, alone. Can you just answer me?”

No, he can’t.

“You know, when I saw them drag you back into that compound, I think it was only then… right then that I accepted you. I think I knew that I had feelings for someone I’d never experienced before. But the difference was, in that moment… that moment of hell, clarity hit me. I dunno where I got the mental energy from to feel anything that intense, but I did, and I knew that I was holding back. I just hope you understand why!”

Did he ever understand why? I thought, leaning back in my chair and gently placing his hand down.

Please wake up Spinner!

I miss you

I need you

I need us!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 7th 2006 - Two Weeks Later

After my mum pleading with me on the phone several times while I was in Catterick, I finally relented and said I would come back to Portsmouth where we lived and see them. They knew nothing of what was going on in my head, nor of my tour in Afghanistan, and especially nothing of Lukas.

This was what was keeping me away—having to explain—having to discuss and reveal. I had no appetite to sit around the kitchen table and tell them of my adventures. I didn’t wish to talk. And really, if I’m honest? If my brother were not home on leave, I probably would have worked overtime to make extra excuses to my parents. But I did want to see Robbie.

After seeing Lukas in the morning, I took the six-hour train ride from Northallerton down to Portsmouth and was told I’d be met by my dad at the station.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a long, tedious journey, but I had managed to get a little sleep on the way down. With a grey duffel bag in hand, I waited for the train to come to a stop at Portsmouth and Southsea station. I was nervous after feeling numb for so long.

I walked out of the station and picked dad's car out straight away. The sun reflected off his windscreen so that I couldn’t see his expression, but I did see a hand go up, which I took as a friendly wave, it was a good start.

I clutched my bag tight as I walked towards him. Somehow hoping that the harder I gripped, it would release some of the tension in my chest, I was feeling. As I got within spitting distance, my dad got out of the car and took a few steps to greet me.

“Hi Son, It’s good to see you finally,” he said, his tone firm but friendly. He pulled me into a hug. “You’ve bulked up a bit more, I see, and maybe a little taller?”

“Dad, I’m the same weight and height when you last saw me. I haven’t been gone that long. How are you?” I asked as our embrace ended. He just had my biceps in his hands as he looked at me.

“Your mother is frantic. But look, I understand your reasons for wanting to stay away.”

“Dad, I didn’t want to stay away.”

“Listen, Sebastian. I know the effects of war and what it can do to you. All I’m saying is I know what you are going through, and your mother does her best to be….”

“Dad, honest, it’s fine. Can we just go?”

“Of course. Get in; Robbie is looking forward to seeing you, and your mother. Let’s go.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dad pulled into the driveway; immediately I saw the front door to our house open and mum bursting through it like a woman possessed.

“Oh my God, my Son is home,” she almost shrieked.

I opened the door to the car and got out before getting my bag from the back seat. I was enveloped in a hug and what felt like a hundred kisses all over my face.

“Arrrrgh, Mum, please be careful.”

“Oh, your injury, I’m so sorry, I’m just so pleased to see you, and Robbie is here and I… I just can’t believe I have my whole family together. Look, whatever it is you have been through, you can talk to us, okay?”

“Will you let the boy get in the house,” Dad barked, looking around to make sure my mum wasn’t embarrassing herself to the neighbours I imagined.

I walked into the house, throwing my bag down in the hallway, just as I did so many times with my school bag as a young kid. It felt natural I thought, walking into the kitchen, seeing my brother sitting at the table.

Robbie got up and pulled me into a tight bear hug. It was somewhat unexpected and painful but pleasant nonetheless.

“Bro, let me look at you! Wow, you look so different from that skinny kid I left a couple of years ago. Nice tan!

“I’ve never been skinny, but thank you, Rob. It’s good to see you.”

“So Mr, Serious, how’s it going?”

Before I could answer, mum got right to work interrogating me, much to the annoyance of dad.

“So, how was it? Was it rough, Son? Did you have to kill anyone? Are you all healed up now?”

“Helen, will you give the boy some space? There will be plenty of time to talk. Sebastian, why don’t you go and freshen up. I will take your mother into the garden and shoot her while you’re gone.”

The comment made me chuckle, along with Robbie. It was unusual for my dad to be humorous. Perhaps he saw how pensive I seemed. Nevertheless, it did break my cycle of sadness, even for a brief moment.

I winked at my dad and tapped my brother on the shoulder before heading upstairs. Walking into my old room was a weird experience. Nothing had changed since I was last home, and being away from home so often, much of the contents were from when I was a young teenager. Of course, I’d been in here plenty of times while in the cadets and even a few times since starting in the army, but it always felt a little like going back in time whenever I visited my room.

Posters of Brtiney Spears covered the walls, along with my models of horses I used to collect. On my desk were stacks of horse magazines I used to buy, and my old HP laptop sat gathering dust.

I sat down on my single bed and put my head in my hands. A flood of thoughts came rushing back into my brain. The Afghan compound I almost died in. Lukas’s situation. I wondered how Tank and Seb were doing still going out on patrols. The feeling of hopelessness was practically overwhelming. I tried to snap out of this spiral I was in and headed to the bathroom.

Pulling my tracksuit bottoms and boxers down, I sat on the toilet, contemplating the hours of mum, dad and Robbie ahead. I really didn’t want to talk. But with my mother being a talker and Robbie no doubt wishing to compare tour stories, I dreaded it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Pub?” Robbie asked, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Dad has distracted mum and said we should go bond.”

“He never said that!”

“Well, no, but he did suggest we go out, and I talk to you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Let’s go, anything to not have to sit there and be fussed over.”

Robbie grabbed some keys from the side, and I put my sneakers on before we both escaped out of the front door. We walked to the King Street Tavern, my dad’s local, and the nearest pub to our house. We didn’t talk much on the way, but it was good to be around him again, and he did have a way of taking my mind off things. He knew what army life was like; he’d lived similar tours in Iraq and seen the horrors of what it was like to be in a warzone. His Basra was my Helmand Province.

We walked into the pub, and Rob got his wallet out, asking for two lagers. He paid, and we took our pint’s outside and grabbed a couple of seats at a table.

“Nice weather still,” Robbie said as we sat down.

“Yeah, I hear it’s been one of the hottest summers on record. What we need now is a massive thunderstorm to watch.” I replied, taking a healthy sip of my pint.

“So!”

“So?” I asked, wondering what was coming next.

“You gonna cut the bullshit about the weather and tell me why I am looking at what I would describe as someone who has lost the winning lottery ticket?”

I put my head down briefly before looking back up at him. Robbie looked concerned, almost suspicious, as I looked into his deep-set blue eyes. He ran his hand through his Faux Hawk haircut and waited for my answer, not taking his gaze off me, which added to the pressure to speak.

“What can I say?” That was all I could think of when I eventually replied.

“How’s the chest wound?”

“Much better; we had a patrol that went wrong.”

“Not what I heard. I heard you cleared it fine.”

“Three of us got injured. Me, a guy called Lukas, who is in a coma and one guy was killed. It was a fucking shit show.”

“What else?” he asked, confusing me slightly, leaning back in his chair.

“Else?”

“Anything else on your mind, I mean. I can see it in you. I know that look, that body language. You know you can tell me anything, right?”

I took a large gulp from my glass and placed it down on the table before looking all around me. “I erm….”

“Spit it out, Bro,”

“Something went on in Afghanistan that was not planned or like anything I was expecting.”

“Which was?” Robbie asked, almost wanting to grin I could feel. “Oh my God, you popped your cherry out there, didn't you?”

“No! Nothing like that. Look, this is really hard for me, and I feel like you’ll take the piss. So I’d just appreciate it if you didn’t for once!”

Robbie took a sip from his pint, staring, before placing it down and leaning into me. His elbows were resting on the table. His expression was severe. and inquisitive. “Okay, hit me with it; I’m ready for anything.”

I heaved in a sob. “That guy, Lukas.”

“The one in a coma?”

I nodded. Robbie sat back in his chair again, running his hands down his face. “Look, friendly fire happens sometimes, and in the heat of the moment, sometimes things go wrong. You can’t blame yourself, okay?”

I creased up my forehead. “What are you talking about? I didn’t fucking shoot him, Rob!”

“Oh, sorry, I just assumed that you….”

“No, Robbie, no!” I shook my head rapidly.

“So what then?”

“You want me to spell it out for you?”

I could see cogs spinning away in Robbie’s head as he sat there looking at nowhere in particular.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t….”

“I think I’m gay, Robbie, okay? I might be fucking gay, and that guy in a coma is… well, I don’t know what he is, but I love him, and I think about him all the time, and I can’t stop thinking about him, and it’s driving me insane because I just want him to wake up so I can talk to him! There I said it.” Shoving myself back into my chair, I let out a huge huff and briefly closed my eyes. Perhaps in some sort of relief, I didn’t know. I opened them again, staring at my brother. The silence was deafening! “Well, say something!”

Robbie looked in shock, slowly lifting his glass and downing the entire contents in one go.

Placing the glass down, he wiped his mouth. “You want another beer?” I was asked robotically.

“What? Erm, yeah, sure.”

He pushed his chair out, making a horrible scraping noise, and walked off back into the pub with his glass, leaving me outside to wonder what the fuck he was thinking,

I sat there alone in my thoughts while he was gone. Being in Portsmouth meant you never got away from the seagulls that chanted their calls, especially in the late afternoon. Usually this would remind me of being at home, near the Navy and the ocean. But now I wondered if their calls were to mock me for the mess my mind was in over a boy, my career and two parents I was indifferent to.

I wondered where all my time had gone. Thoughts of my tough childhood came back to me as I gazed out onto the long street ahead. I did like girls; I remember seeing them at school and wondered what it would be like to kiss them. But I had sexually excluded myself from the world, and of dating too, never knowing why.

I didn’t know what level my sex drive was. In fact, up until this second, I never thought about it. SO many guys go on and on about sex, and it just does not interest me like that. Perhaps I’m broken, fucked up, weird, boring, ugly, frigid!

Arrrrghhh!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robbie returned some ten minutes later with two more pints in his hand and slid back onto his chair, placing my drink down with a thud.

“Sorry.”

“You were gone ages, was there a queue?” I asked, knowing the pub was pretty empty inside.

“No, I went to the toilet… I had to think, okay?” he snapped.

“Okay, sorry, I didn’t mean to piss you off.”

Robbie huffed. “So you’re gay, I mean really?”

“No… I mean, maybe. I don’t know!”

“What? You just told me you might be, and now your not. And this guy you’ve been fucking, what about him, huh?”

“For fuck sake Robbie, I haven’t fucked anyone, and I don’t know what I am, and that’s the truth. All I know is that something happened on tour, and I can’t change that.”

“Well, explain it to me. I don’t understand. Did he come on to you?”

“Kind of?”

“And what did you do?”

“I kept telling him nothing was ever going to happen, not in a million years. He kept the pressure up all the time; he was relentless. Sometimes it bothered me, sometimes I found it funny and sometimes, but not often I found it… nice. We really started to get close when out on patrols. He understood me I guess, when no one else did.”

“Sounds to me that he almost mentally raped you. Tell me more.”

“Sounds like you have already made your assumptions; what’s the point?”

“Don’t be a brat. It’s not fitting for a soldier. Look, I don’t get all this gay shit or whatever you are telling me, okay?”

“It’s not gay shit, Robbie. It’s about feelings. Haven’t you ever been close you someone in your regiment?”

“Of course, but I didn’t bone them… sorry, I mean, I didn’t have what you have told me.”

“Look, this is not about sex, or… whatever you think I’ve done.”

“What are you going to tell Mum and Dad?”

“What? Nothing, they can’t know. Dad would have a fit. You know what he’s like.”

“Well, I’m not going to tell them. But you can’t hide this forever. And you’re never going to hide it in the army, they have people you know, people who can spot it and word will get around.”

I buried my head in my hands. “I know, I know! Jesus, this is a mess.” I almost cried out.

“So this guy?”

“Lukas?”

“Yeah, him. So he’s in a coma?”

I nodded. “He got hit in the back by a Taliban and bled out. They just managed to save him. I rushed over to see where he was, but he’d already been hit. It was a living nightmare that day.”

“So have you both, well… sort of confirmed you’re together, or something?”

“I felt nothing for him for ages. He liked me and kept telling me and stuff. It was kind of annoying at first, but he was… is infectious.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Because I have no answer for that. I guess if we had been together longer it might have come up, but him almost getting killed and me getting shot sort of got in the way, Robbie.”

“Okay, no need for sarcasm. So you haven’t slept with him?”

“No, Robbie. I haven’t slept with anyone.”

Robbie paused, throwing his head back and exhaling. “So you’re almost nineteen, and you don’t know whether you like girls or boys. Don’t you think that’s a bit odd? I mean, I’m not judging you; I’m just struggling to understand your situation.”

I folded my arms and looked off into the distance. “I don’t know, Robbie. It’s baffled me too. I guess it’s the person I started to have feelings for, not the gender. Does that make sense?”

“So you’re Bi?”

“I wouldn't even say that. In my mind, I still ‘feel’ straight. I still like girls, as I always have. But, there is just something about him. He gets me, and I get him, and we were together all the time through everything.”

“A crush?” Robbie asked, raising his left eyebrow.

“Perhaps.”

“Do you love him?”

“Jesus, yes! That is the clear bit.”

“But are you IN love with him?”

“Maybe, whatever ‘in love is.”

“Hmm, okay.”

“Are you angry with me?”

“What for coming out to me on the first day we see each other, having not for a couple of years? It is a shock, Seb, I gotta tell ya. When I was away in Germany, I thought about you a lot because I know how tough the Middle East is, especially your first. Funny, I had visions of you bonding with your mates, but having feelings for one of them? No, that wasn’t in my mind.”

“So you are disappointed?”

“No, of course not. I’m glad you were able to tell me. I just don’t know if….”

“What?”

Robbie sighed. “Well, you know, Mum, Dad, the army, the life. I mean, is it compatible with this guy and you being something?”

I shrugged. “Haven’t got that far in my head yet. But, I mean Lukas, he erm... well, he might have a brain injury and might not ever walk again at the very least.”

“Exactly, and you wanna be tied to a discharged disabled guy while you’re out on tour somewhere.”

“I think I’d actually leave the army for him, Robbie.”

Robbie banged his glass down on the table after taking a gulp. “Are you fucking serious?” He almost choked. “What you’d throw away your whole military career for a guy you met mere months ago? All that work in the Cadets, Basic Training and Infantry. You would dump all that for a guy that might not ever walk again?”

“That’s harsh… and that guy is called Lukas, Robbie. He’s a person that fought for our country alongside you and me and all the others. He’s one of the bravest people I know.”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re all brave, yadda yadda yadda. But you didn't answer my question.”

“See, you’re angry, I can tell.”

“Because you are letting your heart rule your head and for someone with your training, I would have thought you would know what happens when you do that.”

“I’m just talking things through with you, Robbie. Apart from a couple of people back in Camp Bastion. You’re the first person I have been able to talk about my feelings to, and it’s been sending me nuts!”

Robbie sighed and took my hand, just as a guy walked past with his dog.

“Fucking queers,” I heard him mutter. Robbie dove out of his chair.

“Oi, Cunt! He’s my fucking brother who has just returned from Afghanistan fighting similar cunts to protect cunts like you. So fuck off, unless you want me to break your face.”
The man stopped and turned around, scaving. He had a shaved head and tattoos—someone you might not want to meet down a dark alley.

“Robbie, just leave it; he ain’t worth it,” I said, getting up to pull Robbie back into his seat.

“No, Seb, the guy needs to show some fucking respect!” The man just laughed and walked away. “Yeah, you carry on walking fuckhead, you carry on walking!”

I rolled my eyes, feeling embarrassed by the scene, eyeing a few people scattered around who had stopped to gorp. “Did you have to?”

“No, bro, I ain’t having that. It was unnecessary.

I decided a drastic change of subject was in order to calm Robbie down. You see, when it comes to patience and temperament, my brother and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

“So I see you have lost a bit of weight. Your face looks a bit more chiselled.”

“What? Oh, yeah, I put on a bit and thought I needed to lose some while I am in Germany. There’s not as much running around to do, as you can imagine, and I got an addiction to German food.”

“It looks good on you. And you’ve gone clean-shaven, haven’t seen you like that in a while. So what happened to the facial hair addiction?”

Robbie laughed. “I met this girl, and she didn’t like it.”

“Met? Is it still a thing?”

Robbie shrugged, taking another sip from his pint. “Meh, we fuck every few weeks, but nothing more.”

“You know Lukas?”

“What about him?”

“He’s German! quite ironic, you know, us both ending up… well you know, sort of knowing or being with German people.”

“Somehow, I think there is a difference.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” I said, feeling kind of rejected by that comment.

“So, what’s next for you?”

I sighed. “Well, I’m stationed at Catterick for another two months while in Rehabilitation. But then I don’t know. I might bum around at home for a week or so and then go back. I got to attend a fucking hospital appointment at Queens while I’m here. Lukas’s status is unchanged, and I thought it would be healthy to step out of that zone for a while. It was depressing me seeing him every day like that. But yeah, next week, I’ll head back and start resuming some personal fitness and wait for my next deployment, I guess.”

“Back to Afghanistan?”

“Like I know anything,” I laughed. “It’s likely because of the issues there, but I hear Iraq is nice this time of year?”

“Pffft, be careful what you wish for. The place is a shithole. From what dad said, Camp Bastion is a palace compared to some of the digs I’ve stayed in Basra.”

“It’s all the same. Hot, desert, endless dust and sand.”

“Yeah, thank God for Germany is all I can say.”

“Another Drink?”

“Why not? Let’s get shit faced. Better than listening to Mum blabber in our ears!”

“You got it; I’ll be right back!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

We were both pretty drunk by now and I felt Robbie's questions about my sexuality were becoming more invasive after each pint we sunk.

"So, you never think about him with his dick in your mouth?"

"Really, Robbie?"

"What, I'm interested in my brother's sex life, which so far you've convinced me is non existent."

"If you must know, no, I havent thought about his dick in my mouth."

"And girls? How often do you think about them?"

"Why?"

"Bro, i'm trying to understand you, you gotta answer my questions."

"Okay, yeah, I think about them sometimes."

"Sometimes, you're eighteen and you think about girls sometimes? Jesus, at your age my carpet was so sticky with all the baby batter i'd split looking at porn my fucking chair didn't roll back easily anymore.

"Thank you for that image Robbie. It's nice to know you were wanking mere meters away from me most of the weekend."

"Weekend? Man it was every day. So what about you? you don't seem that fired up for sex maybe you're just a frequent hand shuffler."

"A what?"

"A wanker," Robbie said, making the sign at me. "How often are you beating the pudding?"

"I swayed my glass around. "Now that is my business."

Robbie got right in my face. "Tell me!" he said, before falling back laughing.

"I dunno, once a fortnight?"

Robbie almost blew a mouthful of lager all over the table, managing to reduce it to a dribble coming out of his mouth. "WHAT? Shit I gotta tell my guys back at base, they are gonna demand photos of your balls!"

I laughed out loud... a full belly laugh and hugged my brother. "You fucking asshole, I love you!"

"Yeah, I love you too Bro... hey, fancy a club and a little boogie?"

"Are you satisfied with my sex life and my jerking frequency?"

"No I am NOT satisfied. You need to start pumping some testosterone back into your system young solider! Once a fortnight is unheard of where I come from. If you pardon the pun."

I got up and chuckled. "Lets go clubbing, Robbie, before we get too shitfaced to get in!"

"I think we're almost there." Robbie replied, swaying as he stood up.