Him in the Dust - Part 2 - 2. Robbie

September 8th 2006

I plodded downstairs into the kitchen and reached for a glass from the cupboard. Mum was sitting at the table, and I could feel her following me with her eyes as I turned on the cold tap. I was hanging out of my arse from the previous day with Robbie, who was still in bed.

“Blimey, you remind me of what you used to look like getting up for school as a teenager,” she said as I sat down opposite her.

“Can you speak quieter, please?” I asked, letting my head fall into my arms.

Last night had been messy. Robbie and I ended up going onto a club after the pub, and in my drunken state, I’d vomited all over the dancefloor, having my night ended by security. I then threw up again in the taxi and then fell asleep in the toilet, waking up at three am with sick all down my top.

“Breakfast?”

“No, Mum, I don’t think I can handle more than water right now.”

She tutted. “You boys, I don’t know why you drink so much; what a state to be in on such a lovely day. I suppose you’ll be demanding I keep the blinds closed, will you?”

“It might be an idea,” I replied, feeling sorry for myself. “Where is Dad?”

“Oh, he’s teaching today, so he won’t be back for hours. So what are your plans today?”

“Not a lot. I need a shower.”

“Well, there is hot water, and you know where the towels are.”

“Cool, thanks.”

“Oh, and here comes the other one,” mum announced as Robbie came into the kitchen.

I looked up. “Did we drink that much?” I asked as he sat down.

“You were wasted; I had to pay the taxi driver fifty pounds to get his car cleaned.”

“I’ll pay you back,” I said, letting my head fall back down. “I’m never drinking again!”

“Yeah, we all say that until the next time,” mum chirped, laughing at my apparent naivety.

It was around eight in the morning, and I really needed to get away and phone the hospital for an update on Lukas. Of course, I wasn’t expecting any change, but even in this hungover state, the thought of him still took first place in my limited capacity to think.

“Would you boys like a cup of tea? I’m making one for myself before I have to go out and pick up some dry cleaning.”

“Yes, please,” I said, getting up from my chair and heading upstairs. “I’ll drink it when I’m out of the shower.

“Hey, don’t use all the hot water; I wanna get in there after you,” Robbie shouted after me. I didn’t reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The house was stifling as I sat in the lounge, flicking through the TV channels. Sitting in a pair of shorts, I wiped my forehead of sweat. I could feel my skin sticking to the leather sofa I was sitting on, finding the feeling irritating.

“Jesus, it’s as humid as hell. I can’t fucking think straight,” I blurted as Robbie walked in and sat next to me.

“Anything interesting on?”

“Rob, it’s daytime TV; it’s absolute shit.”

“Cheer up. At least it’s not raining.”

“I wish it would; this heat is unbearable.”

“Says the guy just back from Afghanistan.” Robbie shot back, giving me an ‘over the glasses’ look.

“It’s a different heat there. It’s dry.”

“I know, I’m just saying. But, listen, I wanted to talk to you while the parents are out.”

“Yeah, what?” I asked, still looking at the TV.

“I wanted to ask if you were serious about quitting the army for this Lukas?”

I turned to face him. “Is this the pre-lecture question?”

“I just want to give you some advice,” Robbie said, putting his finger on my wound making me wince. “That’s healing nicely now.”

“Yeah, the dressing has been off for a while. I’m hoping the scar will be tiny. Anyway, this advice you have, go on.”

“I’m not judging you, okay? You might have fallen in love or whatever you think this is between you, and hell, I don’t care it’s a guy okay, this is not why I’m about to say this but….”

“Just get on with it,” I cut in.

“Look, I met a few girls while I was in various places. Some from the army, some not. Some of them I’ve had feelings for; some were just cheap fucks when the balls were full. But what I’m saying is, the army has always come first. This is the life you are committed to, and you can go far. Look at you; you’re incredibly fit, as far as I can tell, pretty intelligent. Don’t throw all that away over some boy you met in barracks.”

“Are you done?” I asked, folding my arms.

“Yeah, bro, I’m done, don’t get shitty with me; it’s just advice. You can take it or leave it.

I got up, making a ripping sound as my back came away from the sofa, soaked. Pacing the room, I tried to gather my thoughts. “Can I have both?” I finally asked, stopping to look at Rob.

He shook his head. “Not in a way that will ever make you happy. Look, let’s say he comes out of this coma and….”

“He will,” I barked.

“Let me finish. Let’s say he comes out of this coma. He may have brain damage, you said, right? You also said he might not walk again. And then, after taking those two things into account, you get posted on another tour to the Middle East. What then?”

I paused. “Well, I haven’t really thought about it.”

“Exactly, and I don’t blame you for that. The past few weeks have been about you healing physically and mentally and the immediate state he’s in. Of course, what lies ahead will not have been top of your thoughts, but that’s the reality of your situation. Are you saying you are going to want to be with a possibly brain-damaged guy in a wheelchair, which you would give up your career to be with?”

I tipped my head back, running my hands down my face. “Fuuuuck!” I strained out. “So, what will happen to Lukas in terms of the army?”

“He’ll be medically discharged, given a few medals and get a pension for life and probably a payout for injuries. So he’ll be financially secure no matter what. And he has his parents, right?”

“Yeah,”

“Well then. Try and move on Seb, you need to let go.”

“You really are a cold-hearted bastard; you know that?”

“No, Seb, I’m a realist who cares about you. You can do what you want, but as your older brother, I need to give you the pep talk because since no one knows about this, who else is going to.”

“I don’t need a pep talk!”

“Everyone needs a pep talk, Seb. Has the army taught you nothing about decision making? Assess the situation, get advice, weigh the odds and make a decision.”

“No, Rob, the army has not taught me that. The military has taught me when to eat, when to shit when to shoot, when to sleep… the army has never let me make any decisions. In fact, the situation with Lukas is probably the only thing I have ever been allowed to decide on because no one knows about it.

“Go for your promotion to Corporal then if you want to make more decisions.”

“That’s not the point I was making. Anyway, turn this shit off; I can’t hear myself think. I have a headache as well.”

“Paracetamol is in the drawer by the washing machine.”

“Thanks, you want a juice?”

“No thanks, I’m gonna eat first. Did Mum say there was bacon in the fridge?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I said, heading out to the kitchen and heaving a sigh on the way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting in my parents garden, I made use of a sun lounger probably left out by one of them and sweated out last night’s alcohol. Getting the sun to my chest, I thought, was a good thing to help the healing process. It was also an excuse to top up my tan while the weather lasted.

“Mind if I join you,” Robbie asked, sitting down on the lounger placed next to me. I gestured with my hands, continuing to lay there with my eyes closed.

“You know I’ve been thinking about what you said.”

“Oh right. And what conclusion did you come to?”

“Putting the army aside and just being a decent human being, I can’t just move on from Lukas.”

“So, what does that mean?” Robbie asked. I watched him take his T-shirt off and place on a pair of sunglasses. I was always jealous of my brother’s body in the past. He hit the weights around fifteen and toned up nicely. While I, on the other hand, was like a skinny rake. Because of that jealousy, I worked longer and harder to look like him. I was there now and actually thought I looked better.
The rivalry between us continued until I went into the army, and we didn’t see each other for a while, but him being six years older than me meant I was playing catch up most of the time in terms of fitness.

It didn’t end there. We used to compete for everything, including for mum and dad’s attention. What dad said and how he vied things were always important to us, and getting a pat on the back from him was an achievement. Nowadays, I don’t care. I know I’m good at what I do, and If I wanted to, I could probably get more medals than my dad and brother put together. That arrogant side of me needs to shut up; I’m not like that!

I’m not like that!

I’m not like that!

“Your body looks pretty good, Bro,” I said, looking him over. His pecks and biceps were cut nicely and not overly bulked. I was pretty bulky up top, but that was my ego that did that rather than actually wanting to be this heavy.

“Uh, thanks. You’re not coming on to me, are you, Bro?”

“What? No, of course not!” I barked. “I was just paying you a compliment. I haven’t seen you for a while. What’s you’re training schedule like now?”

“Three times a week. Cardio mainly. I quit the weights for a while, too lazy. The treadmill is about my limit these days.”

“Yeah, you have slimmed down a bit since I last saw you, but you look good.”

“Thanks, you’re looking pretty ripped yourself.”

I shrugged. “Probably all that running around in the desert,” I lied.

The afternoon sun was beating down on us both, and I could feel a tingly sensation in my chest where my wound was. I was probably burning my scar, so I decided to sit up and get some sun on my back. I turned around to face my brother.

“What do you think dad would say?”

“About you being… well whatever you are?” I said nonchiently.

“I’m a straight guy who happens to like a guy,” I said, believing that statement. “It’s as close as I can get to explaining it to you.”

“No offence Seb, but straight guys do not fuck men!”

“Why does it always have to be about sex with you. For your information, I have not had sex with Lukas or anyone for that matter.”

“Jesus, I was dipping into girls when I was fifteen.”

“And you’re proud of that, are you?”

“Oh, here we go. So what, you’re having a brat attack because I did something before you?”

“No, I just don’t want to rush things. And I don’t need you beating me up about it.”

“I just said I was… Oh, it doesn’t matter. We’re too old for these silly arguments. Look, it’s okay; you’re still a virgin. But if things are serious with this Lukas guy, then one day, if he comes around from his deep sleep, you’re gonna end up putting your dick inside him. It’s just the natural path in any relationship.

“Fuck me. You are so shallow.”

“Well, tell me I’m wrong, Seb, huh?” Robbie sat up. “So you’re with this good looking guy, and he thinks you’re good looking too. What are you gonna do when you’re alone, just read the bible together?”

“No, I’m not saying that, but… yeah, okay, you have a point, but in my head, I haven’t even got that far. I’ve not thought about the sexual side of things. But, I mean, he probably has.”

Robbie laid down again on his front and cleared his throat. “Well, you better start thinking about it because one day he is going to want to drill that perky little ass of yours, and then what are you going to do?” Robbie started to laugh.

“He’s going to do what, Robbie?” Mum asked, suddenly appearing in the garden.

“Fuck, now you’ve done it,” I hissed.

“Uh, how much of that did you actually hear, Mum,” Robbie asked, slowly sitting up and facing her.”

“Enough… and I didn’t bring you up to come out with things like that. So anyway, who wants to drill Robbie’s ‘perky little ass’?”

“MUM!!!” I roared, wanting to vomit. Robbie burst out laughing. I looked at mum, who had a grin on her face.

“So, what was meant by that, Robbie?” Mum asked. I saw a horrible inquisitive look come over her face, which commonly meant that she would not let a topic drop until she understood it inside out. Robbie looked at me, and I tried to shake my head without her noticing.

“Well, Mum, I know this should usually be up to the person, but you being you will just keep on, so….”

“So?” Mum asked, raising a brow.

“Robbie!” I yelled in desperation.

“Mum, your youngest son is probably gay!”

“For fuck sake!” I said, slapping my hands down on my legs.

“Since when?” Mum asked, chuckling. “I don’t remember that ever being on the cards; I would have known, you’re my boys.”

“Mum, please just leave it,” I said pleadingly.

“Is it true?” She asked.

“Mum, it’s complicated alright, and no, it’s not exactly true, I just need time to….”

“Not exactly?” She retorted, a little louder. I looked at Robbie for guidance here, but nothing came out of his mouth. I was on my own. “So there is some truth to this?” She continued, badgering.

“Jesus, look, it’s my fucking life, and I don’t want to discuss it with you, Mum!” I growled, getting up and pacing the garden.

“But darling, you used to tell me everything.”

“No, Mum, I didn’t; that’s just what you thought. I had loads of secrets that I never told you, and do you know why? Because you’ll always go running to Dad like the little brainwashed bunny you are.”

“Seb, that’s out of order,” Robbie said softly.

“Well, it’s true.” I probably would have told you a lot more if I knew it wasn’t going to go under Dad’s fucking microscope of how to be a man. I was a child, Mum, but I always had to be a man, didn’t I? It didn’t matter what I wanted to do in life, like ride horses and build den’s with my friends; it was always the army, the fucking army all the time, day after day from you two. Whatever he said, you LAPPED it up and sold it to me just like him. And you wonder why I never tell you anything.” I smashed myself down on the sun lounger, putting my head in my hands.

“Are you finished?” she said, clearly disgusted with my outburst. “Firstly, that really hurts, Sebastian. All we have ever wanted for you… both of you is to live proud, dignified lives. And I happen to think we’ve done a bloody good job. Your comments are so ungrateful.”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You are like Dad, aren’t you? You make me sound like some kind of computer that you have successfully programmed, rather than a son. I’ll tell you the truth, right….”

“Careful, Seb, where are you going with this?” Robbie cut in, getting a little concerned.

“No, Robbie, I need to say this,” I said, raising my hand to signal him to keep quiet. “I truly believe the only reason Dad ever wanted us is so he could have something to boast about in his little circle of ex-army friends down the Conservative Club. Since he left the army, he has had nothing but us kids to stroke his ego because the army no longer does it. ‘Oh, look at my boy’s aren’t they doing so well. Look how much better they are than your kids George’… or Megan… or Des… or Reg, and whoever else he still hangs around with.”

“Well,” mum huffed. “I’m sorry your Dad and I are such a disappointment to you. But I was the one who changed your nappies and heated your milk and picked you up from school. Bathed you, clothed you and made sure you had food in your belly every day.”

“Oh, the classic, poor mother speech every woman makes. Yes, mum, you did all those things, and you were wonderful, but you lost the ability to think for yourself. Yes, I have met a guy I might be in love with. He’s in a coma right now; he might die. If he lives, which is not certain, he might never walk again. Why? Because he was trying to protect his comrades, me and his country and got shot in the back. He’s one of the bravest people I have ever known. He’s a hero, and I love him.”

Mum waved her hands down, shaking her head, before turning around. “I won’t be telling your father, and I suggest you don’t either.” with that comment, she walked back to the house.

“Nice coming out speech,” Robbie said, getting up. “I better go see if she’s okay, Dickshit!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was a stony affair as the four of us sat around the table eating a salad in pretty much silence. Dad, of course was not aware of the events that took place in the afternoon so decided to speak.

“Looks like we’re sending another six hundred troops to Afghanistan,” he said, amongst the clatter of cutlery.

“I think it’s five hundred and sixty,” Robbie announced.

“Can we not talk about the war, please?” I added softly, not looking up from my plate.

“You okay, Son?” my dad asked sternly.

“Fine, Dad, thank you.”

“How was the kids today, Ted?” Mum asked, feeling the tension building.

“Oh, they’re great, a really enthusiastic lot. Most of them would make fine soldiers.”

“And what if they want to do something else and what they are being taught can just be a life skill?”

“Why would they want to do anything else, Sebastian?”

I slammed my knife and fork down. “Because they are kids, dad, where what you want to do changes from month to month. When I was eight, I wanted to be a fireman, a truck driver when I was ten, a vet when I was fifteen, And I also wanted to be a jockey because I love horses. So why didn’t I ever become any of those things, Dad?”

“Because you wanted to go into the military, Son.”

“YOU… you wanted me to go into the military. There was no me involved. And because of that, I have had to watch the boy I love lie in a coma.” I started to tear up, spilling out toxic emotional feelings, now untapped. “And every day for weeks, I sat next to his bed and talked to him because I wanted him to wake up so much. Because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and now that vision of him laying flat on the floor in an afgan compound will stay with me forever. And now… and now dad, I have been shot myself, almost bleeding out, invested my life into a career of death and destruction and all I have to show for it is the person I love lying in a coma in a hospital bed and a family who does not understand how complicated my fucking life has become.

Dad just sat there stunned. Speechless. That rarely happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ted, no!” mum pleased.

“I said, I think you better leave!”

“That’s fine, Dad. I didn’t bring much. Please give my regards to the Conservative Club and your military friends when you next see them. Tell them your gay Son said hello.

“Get out of my house,” dad yelled. “Get out and take your filthy disgusting lifestyle away from here.”

“Dad, I think you need to think about this,” Robbie said, getting between us.

“Nah, it’s fine, Robbie. A father’s love should be universal, but I can see what I knew all along. Oh, and dad. I’m putting in my notice for discharge. Once I’ve done my four years, I’m out. You can tell them that as well. Mother, it’s been a pleasure, but I must leave Portsmouth now as people like me should not be in a military town. Robbie, good luck back in Germany. I hope you both have a nice life with this man.”

I went upstairs and grabbed my duffle bag from my ex bedroom. Then, I trotted downstairs and out of the door, pulling my phone from my shorts and dialling a taxi as I walked away from my childhood home for what was probably the last time.

“Seb, wait,” I hear Robbie’s voice shout. I looked back, seeing him running towards me. “Don’t leave like this. Go and make it right with him.”
“You’re kidding me, right, Rob? He just threw me out and disowned me; you heard him.”

“Look, he’ll come around. He just doesn't understand, and… well, you were a bit rude to him in your outburst.”

“I’ve felt like this since I walked back in that house. Everything is broken and toxic in there. Those two know nothing about love or parenting. It’s clear to me, and it has been for a while, that all they care about is family status and how well we sell as their Sons to their military friends. I’m surprised he didn’t ask me while I’m not a four-star General yet. He’d be straight down that club with photo evidence and a speech.”

“I’m not going to convince you to come back, I know, but look.” Robbie put his hands on my shoulders. “I don’t care that you love another guy. I don’t care if you decide one day that you are gay. I care about you as my brother. I regret you had an awful time on your first tour. But I love you, and that will never change, Bro. Call me yeah. I gather you’re going back to Catterick?”

I nodded, feeling emotional again. “Getting the 6.50 pm train back. I love you too, and yeah, of course, I’ll call you. But, listen, I have to go, or I’ll have to wait another hour. I just want to get away from this place.”

“Go, look, I get it. It’s complicated. But Bro, I loved seeing you and spending time together was a blast. Think about what I said as well, yeah. Don’t rush into any decisions.”

“I won’t. I love you, yeah,” I blubbered as he hugged tightly.

Time to get going. It was going to be a long night.